Nov 252011

As some of you .. who really read deep into my blog.. have found out, I have dabbled in BDSM. I however avoid the “lifestyle” almost like the plague as those in the main organizations (BDSM teaching schools) freak me the hell out.. mostly because many of them think there’s a “Step by step” instruction on how to do it. (Thats the equivalent of having a step-by-step sex manual and expecting it to work for every man/woman, or for that to yield the type of relationship needed/wanted by each person.)


Imagine that a book somewhere told you that in order to have a proper relationship, you had to let your partner walk ahead of you at all times or you weren’t a proper person. (Seriously??)


Sadly, there are people who like it this way, and innocent people who fall for this. Unfortunately, I am a rebel in all fields and thus only like a very small sect of people in BDSM. This has limited my experiences as I’m more than likely to kill a person (such as the man in the conversation below) than I am to yield into my “role” with the wrong person.


Oh and I usually know right away that they’re the wrong person.. I can just smell the assholes coming. (Dearies, you might as well just throw your damn book out now. It ain’t going to work.)


What follows is a conversation from OkStupid.. from the very start to the finish.. of a Dominant trying to “pick me up”… It didn’t help any that he lives in Colorado (I’m in Austin and distance isn’t my thing especially not with this stuff).


CR: do you appreciate a tactful firm man?

Me: possibly


(seriously, wtf? But I know enough to know that he’s most likely a dominant or a BDSM perv so I waited to find out. I was actually hoping that he was talking about his penis.)


CR: lol, you have seen the detriments of the opposite….

ME: huh?

CR: the opposite of a firm confident man

ME: why do you say that?

CR: I sense you know what you like…

CR: is that true, or what you need. you seem mature, of course

ME: yes, but what does that have to do with you being a tactful firm man and my possible like or dislike there of?

CR: could be a reciprocal match

ME: I see. And what about my profile says this might be a match to you? (you seem to be beating around some bush which is annoying the crap out of me)


(I knew what bush he was beating around, but wasn’t about to admit it and start the questions. You see there’s this thing they like to do online which is to get the upperhand. I wasn’t playing. You talk to me as a person first, and a sub/sexual partner second if I happen to be interested in you. It seems to be very difficult for many so-called dominants to grasp this concept.)


CR: I am a REAL dominant, is that hard to see…..tactful and sane…but it works very well for intimacy with the right mathc

CR: I like your mature eagerness obviously you have had enough to wet your pallet, and you want more

ME: See I’m having trouble here seeing a connection or that you’re a real dominant. You’re assuming too much unless there’s something I’m missing?

CR: I know a dominant woman with a submissive personality when I see one…..

CR: you don’t think I was born yesterday do you..?

ME: I am a Switch with a big submissive streak. But it takes a LOT and the right person for me to be submissive.

ME: Nope I don’t think you were born yesterday. But assuming you know me is hardly confidence inspiring. A good dominant doesn’t assume.

CR: I teach a D/s class up here in Colorado, and run a group ‘


(Immediate thought: SURE you do. or Yes you do, and I feel very sorry for them.)


ME: ok

CR: I won’t bite on your teases…or tests lol

ME: ??

CR: you are testing me to see, if I’ll anger, and be intimidated by your challenges


ME: Actually I’m trying to see if you’ll knock your shit off and act like a regular person.

CR: lifestylers are not regular people? I could refer you to two subs of mine right now

ME: You’ve got my hackles up. They ain’t going down until you stop trying to assert your dominance and treat me as an equal.

CR: ohhh, I completely like companionship…and respect women….that is why I’m effective and responsible Dom




ME: You hang out socially with many women who aren’t in the lifestyle?

CR: yes, all the time….I don’t see women liek that as the sole filter

ME: Then why come on here and treat me as if I am your subject?

CR: oh no, getting your hackles up is fun….if you read back…..I’m casually talking….not subjegating you

ME: You’re asking leading questions with a goal in mind. I know lifestyle speak pretty well. I knew where you were headed.

ME: Instead, be direct and honest about what you’re wanting and why.

CR: I’m not crass…….but a good communicator.

ME: You’d have done better to say “I’m a lifestyle dominant and wondered if you’d be interested in that?”

ME: <– Communications Major

CR: well, I’m not in the business of shocking soccer moms (if I make a wrong assumption…(at least not online) lol

ME: So what? it’s OkStupid. I have questions on my profile that clearly state I’ve experience/interest. It’s not like it’d be out of the blue. Even if it was.. you could simply say “Sorry, I must have misread your profile.”

CR: wold you be bothered if a sub of mine messaged you right now?

CR: well that is it,,,,some people talk a good game, even women

ME: I have no reason to speak with your sub.

ME: I can talk a good game.

CR: she is not with me now….it wasn’t liek that, but no problem…

ME: See now you’re being real.

CR: I practive not pain submission. but mental discipline…exhibitionism…emotional submissive intimacy. pain is a very small component for me, actually

ME: ok

ME: But you have more than one sub?

CR: yes two, none are live in, and yes, they know and have met

ME: And I would be? 3rd string? or 1st sub?

CR: as a switch…I know you at least ponder dominating women…so you have strong alpha potential…….I know you would like that


(This is a HUGE red flag. He assumes my desires or that I’ve thought about it. There is nothing more dangerous than a dominant who thinks he knows it all and assumes things about you.)


ME: OHHHHH HELL NO.. sorry.. Alpha.. yes.. dominating women no.. unless you mean simply telling them to clean the bathroom.

CR: more along the lines, of directing them to clean yes….alpha in that way

ME: ok.. cuz I don’t play well with women and have absolutely no desire to go there.


(Sorry men, I am not into women at all. You go makeout with your father and then we’ll talk.)


CR: htat is beautyf of an alpha. its about authority, not necessarily contact physically, but mental contact, shaping them to your will, does that make sense to you ?

ME: yes.. thats how I .. er.. lead.

CR: so you have lead just men that way before?

ME: These subs.. do you have sexual contact with them?

CR: oh yes

ME: Yes, I have lead many men to their slaughter.. .. oh sorry.. I mean to being better men.


(Ha ha ha .. I crack myself.. I am so not even taking this seriously anymore.)


ME: And you’d expect to continue to have sexual relations with them?

CR: but there are sooo many “lay down” sub men, they are easy for women….women hold the cards over those men totally, women put up more of an intellectual challenge


(Are you f’n kidding me? He’s obviously never had a male sub. Those bastards are manipulative little devils. Oh, as for the next comment.. spineless men irritate me, only thing worse is spineless men pretending to have a spine just to prove they’ve got a spine – with usually illogical stances that change  with the wind.)


ME: Yes.. those men make me want to beat them

CR: yes, I can see you as a humiliatrix completely….I was not far off

CR: for being spineless right

ME: humiliatrix??

CR: dominatrix focusing on humiliation

ME: yes.. I can’t handle spineless men

ME: meh that doesn’t sound good

CR: when you lead them to grovel and beg…do your thoughts of them improve? lol

ME: I’m more of a “teach them to fight back and be men”

ME: Nope. I will only respect them if they start to grow a spine and listen to my guidance.


(You know the term “Mother Hen”.. yep.. combine that with your actual Mom being pissed when you decided to just go ahead and go the party from which she forbid you.)


CR: you like to have them confront their own weakness yes, to see it…like being mentally embarrassed in front of a mirror the emotional equivalent

ME: Meh I suppose you could put it that way

CR: both storng and weak men choose to sub….same with women

ME: true.

CR: being a taller women…and robust….has a lot of authority over men, its amazing…..

CR: you obviously have a sharp commanding tongue

ME: I think I could be 5’2 with the same effect. Submissive men love me. It’s like I have a freaking sign on my forehead.

CR: lol

CR: you are probably right.

CR: a dominatrix locally is very short…she has friends laugh at some of her guys


(different strokes for different folks. I seriously don’t get how that is sexy, but ok.)


ME: ok

CR: are you a task master, or more dismissive of them?

ME: not sure.

CR: actually not opposing things….so my bad

CR: exhibitionism is key to protocol…is that totaly mandatory for you? or are you the gentle approach kind


(Protocol – key word for “the BDSM book of doing things” also can mean the rules set forth by the Dom.. most though mean it as the rules of the “lifestyle” which are set by the society.. and are generally arbitrary BS and someone else’s idea of what BDSM is and should be like.)


ME: I’m really not into exhibitionism

ME: and no idea how that is opposed to the “gentle approach”

each person is different and needs a different approach

CR: within reason, yes

CR: gerally, the sub can tolerate and approach or not, always their choice to continue

ME:  you got me totally confused.

CR: dominants who are too gentle or negotiation happy, can be just as awkward a road

ME: true.

CR: i know you are not the negotiation happy kind….lol

ME: ok.. what do you mean by negotiation happy?

CR: not firm enough

CR: subs often push back, particularly at teh beginning

CR: I’m particularly good at dominating tall women….who are used to intimidating men at times

ME: Isn’t it rather counter productive to tell me that you’re good at dominating tall intimidating women?

CR: lol, why?

CR: they crave it more, a form of compensation


(we have already classified me as a tall intimidating woman. He’s thus stating he’d be good at dominating me, and that I crave it more than other women. Dude, you sound stupid.. shut up.)


ME: I don’t do dominants who are intent on dominating. I submit because I want to, because I trust them, because of our connection. I could care less if they’re good at dominating all women.

CR: words in my mouth////????where did I say all women???

CR: I didn’t even say ALL tall women…

CR: calm down…….you sound like a prude skittish teenager

ME: You didn’t.. you just seem to have this “air” that you’re good at dominating women and that I should be impressed by that.

CR: you are assuming I am trying to impress you…I’m certainly trying to connect…..but impress…nah

ME: <– Skittish much wiser adult with a heavy stubborn and self-preservation streak.

CR: nothing wrong with preservation

CR: 🙂

ME: Connection happens when we bond as people. You stating that you’re good at dominance does nothing but make me watch my back.

ME: It’s like being in a conversation with a police officer about drinking and drugs and he keeps mentioning he’s a great police officer. You end up watching what you say.

CR: I can see that, but contemplate the opposite for a moment, what if I said…I’m not good at it, but want to learn?


(This is a lot like a guy telling you he’s a nice guy. A dominant that says he’s a good dominant most likely isn’t.)


ME: at least that is inviting me to join you in a journey.

CR: I like your “journey” language…I have a friend, who see’s the world throughthat filter a lot…its nice to see

CR: its a natural thing, some men can learn it, but most can’t who dn’t have it

ME: It is a natural thing. But I’m not sensing in you the type of dominant that I bond with.


(I really wanted to tell him that he wasn’t a “natural dominant” but I figured I’d play nice.)


CR: that could be very possible…..I only know what you tell me…..beyond the simple things in your profile

ME: and what you’ve assumed from my profile. 😛

CR: ….and as you have assumed ….touche!

CR: tell me what type of dominant you bond with? good choice of words by the way

ME: Now that would be giving you a guidebook for which to turn me submissive.

CR: you are right, women need different cues, what are some of yours?

ME: I don’t want a dominant who plays a role. I want a dominant who is naturally the way I desire.

CR: so..Maruska…what is the way you desire???

ME: Now we’re back to the guidebook.

ME: 🙂

CR: 🙂

ME: Btw, in addition.. your need to have other sexual subs is a turn off for me.


(seriously how many ways do I need to tell him I’m not interested?)


CR: for some yes…I don’t dispute that

CR: haev you ever even allowed yourself to let go and be dominated completely, or generally so?

ME: Close enough for me.. but not completely as you’re probably meaning.

CR: I don’t mean 24/7

ME: I don’t do well with micromanaging.

CR: you like a man to take charge tat the right time,Orrrr, at the right wrong time…… like to be stripped….you like just naturally feeling that is feels nice to get him a drink…turn on the TVE for him, run a bath…or patiently wait naked for his entry

ME: Gunna say no on all that.

CR: you just revel in saying no

ME: Not service oriented or at least not by command.

ME: I don’t revel in doing things he could damn well do himself with the remote.

CR: then are you a masochist…real subs, take risks,…you are not telling me anything, just sitting back and judging

ME: Who am I judging?

CR: are we playing a romper room guessing game….or can you speak plainly about your needs and experiences?

ME: Plainly.. I don’t submit at all in any way until I fully trust a person. I don’t even remotely get servant-like unless I’m head over heels. I require equality of personage and my Dominant to respect me enough to not waste my value on turning on the TV just because he can command me.

CR: being demure can be feminine,not necesarily submissive….

ME: Thus I am not looking for the “lifestyle”

ME: Because I keep meeting people like you who pretend they get people like me.. when they don’t.

CR: no, you are looking to emasculinate apparently

ME: wtf? how so?

CR: you don’twant to be understood, ? you don’t want to help people understand you? whta I know now, is that you get very angry thinking of doing something nice…and courteous like grabbing the remote

CR: try not to hate men so much, and you’ll be better offf

ME: lol Its not about doing it.. it’s about you seeming to suggest that I should do it when I sub.

ME: It’s about your expectations and mine.

CR: you pick something innocuos… tell me what domination act.. you have responded to in the past…..are you able to do that?

ME: 1. I’ve already told you as nicely as I could that I dont think there’s a point to us. 2. I’ve also mentioned that I’m not up for your lifestyle of having other sexual subs.

CR: why are you uncomfortable with your ass being bigger than the other’s subs?

ME: 3. I’ve worn clothes I was supposed to, been places I was supposed to, not worn things I was supposed to, fixed dinners, laundry, etc.

CR: and ”

ME: and what?

CR: and “he” walked you ahead of him, yes/ often?

ME: no

CR: he wasn’t dom enough to have you on display?

ME: You do know that there are no “rules” as far as BDSM it’s what works for that couple/family

ME: What you find appealing isn’t what everyone else finds appealing.

CR: well fixing dinner is very intimate

ME: Had I had to march in front of him I would have broken things off.


(If he expected me to march ahead of him so he could display his “catch” to everyone, I would seriously do a guy damage. I am not a trophy he’s won. He’s lucky if I choose him. Maybe he should walk behind me with a sign that says “She lets me follow her.”)


CR: I’d eat your cooking

CR: large hips are gorgeous, you need to know that

ME: I’d slip you arsenic.

CR: lol

CR: some jiggle is highly preferable lol

ME: Thanks.. hope you find what you’re looking for. I am not it.

CR: night

I was actually quite surprised he let it go there. Evidently I spelled it out right that time or he just got tired of trying to convince me that he was an awesome dominant.


On another note.. slightly related note.. I was this last week trying to figure out why in the freaking world I am soooooo addicted to Mr. Non-Tech. It’s because he’s a natural dominant. It’s just his personality to take charge and he does it in a way that seems to take me into consideration. It’s so hot. Unfortunately, I think things are slowing down with us and I’ve been moved into complete “friend” territory. We’ll see.. we’ll see.

Sep 052010

So… I went out on this date last night. Well I think it was a date? A “meet & greet” so to speak. I probably should have canceled.. but I couldn’t in good conscience.

See.. we’d been trying to get together for a month now, and every time he’d ask me to join him somewhere.. I was busy. No no.. not dodging him busy, but actually had real plans already set up that I couldn’t get out of for one reason or another.

So when he asked me about this weekend and my schedule was completely empty for once, I told him he had first choice of when we’d meet. I planned on being there with bells on after the pain in the ass I’d been so far.

Then yesterday morning happened.

I woke feeling like crap. My stomach hurt like I’d eaten something rotten. I checked my calendar, and according to schedule, I wasn’t due for the monthly visit for a couple more days. Phew.

So I get up and run to the toilet thinking that I must just have gotten into something bad the night before and tried to jog my brain on what it might be.

No no.. no such luck. I’d started my monthly. Gotta love timing. Somebody somewhere really loves me.

The first day of my monthly .. at least 6 hours of it usually.. is spent in horrid pain. Normally I just cancel any plans I’ve made for that day which would require me to be happy, charming, and fun. Because:

A. I’m either going to still be in excruciating pain, and I’m not that great of an actress to be happy and charming while I feel like a gerbil is ripping up my insides.

B. I’m going to be unbelievably exhausted from the 6 hours of a gerbil ripping up my insides, and find it impossible to be charming while quelling the urge to curl up in the nearest chair and sleep.

So I really debated canceling my date. But since I’d been such a pain in the ass to make plans with in the first place, I couldn’t imagine him believing me that I needed to cancel without him taking it personally.

So I didn’t cancel.  My pain wore off about 2 hours before we were to meet, and I was exhausted. I was walking around my apartment trying to get ready with all the ability of a zombie. It took me 45 minutes to do my hair and makeup which normally takes me about 20 max. In my sleepy haze, I lost track of time and ended up being a good 15 minutes late.

I now have it on my “life rules” list that I will cancel any future dates that happen to land on the starting day of my monthly.

I arrive and it quickly becomes clear to me that I’ve got about 5 braincells still working, and that’s all I can muster. Just enough that I don’t sound like a complete moron and I’m not yawning, but not enough to truly be my normal entertaining self.

The first sign of this was my complete inability to read the wine menu, comprehend it, and place an order in a timely manner. My date was chatting with me and talking and asking questions, and honestly that was about the limit to my cognitive abilities to be able to listen to him and respond with semi-charming responses.

I swear it took me about a half hour to order a glass of wine.

The guy was great though. Charming. Fun. and not as bad on the eyes as I feared he might be… ok, he’s kinda cute.

At the end of the date, he mentioned that he was dead tired and needed to head home. I agreed and said I was dead tired as well.

He might have been making excuses to end the evening.. I didn’t really care at that point. Ok I did care a little, but I was dead, and welcomed the excuse to go home.

I barely made it driving the 15 minutes home without falling asleep. I got home, tore my clothes off, and fell into bed.


Sep 032010

Today I was doing “cleaning” to prepare for company next week. I’m actually working on those New Years resolutions, as well as moving things around to make the apt as spacious as possible.

I’ve still got a crapload of boxes from the house. I counted the other day about 5 boxes, maybe more, of Christmas decorations. A few boxes that contain some old glassware I’m not ready to part with. A few boxes have some very nice vintage collectors dishes and serving bowls which I don’t have room in this apartment to display or use. There’s the “Tower” of old board games. The boxes of old writings, old yearbooks, old pictures.. a box of a variety of tablecloths (which I just managed to uncover and store them in a useful spot, finally). I’m not even going to go into the many many books I have, or the closets (yes plural) of clothes.

It’s too much stuff, and the more I go through it.. the more stuff I get rid of..

But also the more memories it jogs.

See.. Today while sorting through some junk, I found a folded up napkin which I almost just tossed in the trash until I thought..

“Wait! This is me that packed this box. I don’t just throw crap in my boxes. Why in the hell would have I kept a worn out napkin?”

So I unfolded the napkin. I probably haven’t unfolded that napkin in a good 10 years. I honestly had forgotten that it even existed.

On the inside of the napkin were some scribbles. Real handwriting. A boys name. His phone number. Some doodles. And his email address.

The memories of Rudy came back to me. I remembered how it felt when he gave me his contact information and how excited I was. He was finally interested. In me!

I remembered so vividly that feeling of joy, and the wonderful but brief times we’d spent together that I immediately looked him up on Facebook to see if he was there. He was, and his status was single.

I took it as a sign that fate was smiling on me, and I added him. The joy of the memories flooded through my mind as I waited to see if he’d accept the connection. Most of the memories were remembering the emotions of our previous connection, how well we’d gotten along..

Then he accepted the connection, and the fantasy of him suddenly became more real. The joyous memories suddenly leaked into the bad ones. The romanticized memories faded into more honest accounts of exactly how we were.. how I was back then..

I remembered what it was I liked about him. He was opinionated. Harsh, yet sweet. He had standards. Strict high standards. Aspects of personality that I rarely find attractive anymore, and aspects of personality that rarely change in a person.

Was this even going to have a hope of working?

Our History:

One of my first relationships in college was with this guy I’d met in a theatre production. He was geeky, smart, and suave. He knew all the right words, and myself being quite innocent didn’t help much. I thought he hung the moon, and ignored nearly everything else about him. He seemed to know much more than I did, so when he said something I believed him.

About a month into our relationship, he took me to his dorm. It was an all male dorm, and Rudy was his Resident Adviser, RA. He introduced me to Rudy, and for the first time since getting together I wanted to be single.. instantly.

Upon meeting me, Rudy gave me this look of pity and disgust and he tried to hide it, but it was obvious he was judging me solely by my taste in men. He did not like the guy I was seeing, and since I was with him, I was obviously dirt. He wouldn’t even speak to me. It shocked me out of my “love-blinders”.

The guy was seeing was bad news. Not obviously bad news at the start, but bi-polar with a pathological liar streak. It wasn’t until I met his friends, that I really understood just how much untruth he sold me. Needless untruth, simply to make himself look smarter or more interesting or just for shits and giggles. He’d even told his entire dorm quite a few untruths about me.. none of which were flattering.

Rudy doesn’t remember this btw.. not even years later when I did finally get his number.

I lost track of Rudy after that for a few years, until we both were working at Wal-Mart. He’d walk by my section and I’d flirt with him. Day after day I sought him out and we began to develop a friendship. I’d worked on charming him for months before he finally invited me to a small party at his place.

I can’t remember where in this story he wrote down his info on the napkin. I just remember it as a badge of success. A badge of approval. Of being worthy. It was a happiness built on hope, joy, and forgiveness.

The party was small. Just a few of his friends and I hanging out and chatting. It was a great night. I was the last to leave, and we had a short but amazing make-out session.

We saw each other a few more times before he left for a new school in Colorado, but nothing more than that ever happened.

We wrote (email) back and forth for months while he was away. He told me all about his school, work, and efforts. I told him all about mine. I waited for his emails like air. I wanted him. I worked on making myself into the girl he’d want.

I did that a lot back then. Making myself into playdough and shaping myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, whatever was needed to get someone to like me.

And Rudy … He never insisted that I change. He’d just walk if there was something that he didn’t like, and I didn’t have enough self-esteem or belief in my own attractiveness to just let him go.

Looking back, I never thought myself as I was.. was ever enough for anyone. (I know its sad.)

Rudy finally did return to town for Christmas. He made time to go out with me. I was so excited. I wanted to pick up where we’d left off. We didn’t have a whole lot of time as he had a bunch of friends to visit and family holidays. I ended up driving (I can’t remember why), as I dropped him off for his next obligation.. we sat in the car and talked for a little bit.. joking around, laughing.. and I leaned over to kiss him, and he stopped me.

“I’m seeing someone in Colorado. I’m sorry.”

You could have heard my heart hit the floor. Months of emails. Months of conversations, and not one mention of this girlfriend.

I was hurt, wounded, and furious.. just the combo needed for me to be a little detrimental to myself. I called up a “friend” for a bootycall. We’d never slept together before because he’d been married, but that was over.. and I figured this was as good of a time as any.

The next day I got a call from Rudy. Somehow he’d found out about my sex-excursion, and he knew full well that his rejection of me instigated it. He didn’t have any nice words to say to me. As it turned out, Rudy was friends with this guy’s ex-wife.. and they weren’t officially divorced yet. (Shocker that I got lied to) Rudy called me some not so nice names. He didn’t care about my side of the story, and said he couldn’t be friends with anyone who would think so little of themselves, and that he never wanted to speak to me again.. and he never did.

For some reason in the back of my head I wanted his forgiveness.. but as I look at things.. I’m not sure I’ve done anything for him to forgive.

If anything.. maybe I should be the one doing the forgiving… and maybe a little more leaving the past alone, and moving forward..