Apr 212012

Today I met a very hot man. Had I met him in any other venue, I’d have not realized that he was hot. You see, I’d have written him off for several reasons.


1. He’s my height or slightly shorter.

2. He drives a muscle car.

3. He’s quite tattooed. (Luckily not the sleeve-tattoos but still quite a few that I could see poking out from his t-shirt.)

4. He looks like he’s in an industrial metal band (or a thug).

5. He might weigh 130lbs wet.


So when I first met him at work (he’s a customer), I immediately wrote him off as simply a customer. I was nice and polite and helping him out.


Then he starts flirting with me, and showing me a side of him that… well.. you’d not assume was there.


With me, he always seemed rather timid and nervous. He kept trying to get me to laugh with a dry sense of humor which I normally like, but wasn’t quite sure if he was joking or serious at first. He seemed to revel in my embarrassment and confusion, but was very sweet and gently teasing about it.


In some ways, he reminded me of my “first crushes” in Junior High and High School. Sweet, gentle, and loving with a touch of fierceness that you were sure they’d fight to keep you safe. That edgy safety.


He was also super chivalrous opening doors for me.


After getting him set up, I asked him: “Do you want to call someone to test this out to make sure it works?”


He paused and looked nervous. “No, All my friends would want to chat or embarrass me in front of you. Then I’d embarrass myself and possibly offend you in my replies. I’d rather you not hear that.”


That open honesty (which to tell you the truth I only half believed) mixed with recognition that I was female, mixed with pride and a desire to protect.. SWOON.


We walked out to his car. A Ford Mustang (for which he was getting racing parts).


“You know this is my 6th Mustang”


I smiled. He’d said it with pride and confidence that it was awesome, but with that same nervousness that had pervaded all our conversation. I think he was trying to impress me, but since I’m not really into cars it made no difference. I pretended though that I was impressed, and he smiled.


As we finished setting up his equipment, he said “You were right earlier when you stated that there was a lot to learn with this.”


“If you have questions later, just let us know. We’ll help you figure it out.”


“Cool. Are you here like 8-5 or ?”


“Someone’s here usually from 9am till close, just give us a call and let us know when you’d be coming by.”


He laughed nervously, “But you’re not here all that time right?”


I believe I turned beet red. “No, I’m here on Monday though.”


He seemed to want to say something else, but he let it go and we parted.


I have no idea if he was really interested.. but it was good to be flirted with anyway.. and even better to be treated like a “lady”. It’s been a long time.

Dec 272011

When a man tells you who he is, you should really listen the first time. However, since first impressions aren’t always accurate, I decided to give Mr. Cheap from last friday a second chance.


Mostly I did so because he seemed very very interested in seeing me again, and didn’t seem to be just out for sex.


He wanted to get together Christmas Eve after he had dinner with his father, and I told him we’d see. I didn’t promise him anything. He called me around 9:30pm to see if I wanted to go out. Since we didn’t know what was open, he offered that we should go to his place for drinks.


Sounds like he wanted me over for sex right? Yep, thats what I thought too. By the time 9:30 rolled around, I wasn’t really wanting to go anywhere so I told him that I wasn’t comfortable enough with him to go to his apartment. Normally when I meet a man who just wants sex, I would have heard grumbling or trying to talk me into it. He didn’t balk at it all, but simply respected my decision. He did tease later that it would be a better night for him if I’d come over for a drink, and honestly, I probably would have thought him a little bit of a pussy if he hadn’t thrown in a little bit of a try.


We decided to try again on Christmas day if my Christmas party ended early. It didn’t. I ended up drinking a lot and not getting home till 2am.  So I asked about Monday. He called on Monday and we talked a little bit, but he was tired so we decided on Tuesday.. today.. to go for coffee. He wanted to meet during the day since he had the day off.


Now if he really only wanted sex, he’d have met me at night right? Anyway, we’d talked several times during the weekend and he was always respectful and never brought up sex nor once did he even attempt anything raunchy. He started to grow on me, and I could begin to see what kind of life we might have together. He also was very considerate of my issues. He seemed to accept them as just part of me, and not a detriment.


A couple things though had started to bug me. He didn’t seem at all open to new ideas from me. I’m not sure if he thought of them as criticism, but it wasn’t. Just a new approach to what he was doing, or feeling out the limits of his interests in his hobby. He also seemed less inclined to do something if it wasn’t his idea or within his “time frame” but these were pretty subtle so I wasn’t sure if it was just differences in communication or external conflicts that I wasn’t aware of at the time.


Anyway, we met today for coffee. I haven’t been feeling well due to allergies, and so he told me to take my time. He had some work to do and I could just show up whenever, he also mentioned that after coffee we should go to dinner. (Really awesome way to handle me btw. Loved it.) So I took my time getting ready and showed up around an hour later, a time estimate I had told him to expect.


I arrive and he greets me happily with a hug, and he walks with me up to the counter as I order my coffee. I take this as a good sign.  We have to wait in line to order, and we talk a bit. When I get to the front of the line, the server asks me what I want, and I order. He hangs back and waits “in line” till the other server is free and orders his refill from the other server. He doesn’t even attempt to pay for my coffee, which he could have done so easily as the servers both thought we were together. (This is strike two, and I’m a little ticked off. My coffee was a whole $1.75)


We sit down and have a working date. He’s working on his stuff, and I’m working on my stuff, applying for jobs and whatnot. Yes, he is well aware that I am looking for work. He is just not well aware of how broke I really am. (I still am about $400 short for January’s rent, and I still don’t know how I’m going to come up with it.)


An hour or so later, he asks if I’m ready to get some food. I say I am, and we start discussing places to go. He wants to go to an overpriced cafe, and I want to do a pizza place nearby. We decide on the pizza but it’s closed when we arrive. So we end up going to a burger place nearby. (Worst burgers in town by far btw)


We enter and walk up to order. He orders first, and the cashier asks, “Are these together or separate?”


He quickly answers, “Separate.”


(Strike three.)


So I order my burger combo. A whole $7 meal. I sit down and I’m severely disappointed in him.


My memory floats back to our first “date” where he mentions how careful he is with his money and how he’s managed to pay down his mortgage significantly. I call him a “Cheapskate” in my head several times, and start to really see him as selfish.


We get along well though, and I can see us being friends. As we leave and say goodbye, he gives me a huge hug and refuses to let go. He’s hugging me tight and massaging my back slightly. When he does finally release me a little, he moves in for a kiss. He kisses pretty well, so it’s not a total loss I guess.


He however has been removed from any kind of long-term dating viability. I won’t be going “out” with him again. We may possibly become friends with benefits, but we won’t be “dating”… he may not be aware of this decision. I have no idea what is going through his mind, but that is what is going through mine.


I may use him for sex… maybe… we’ll see. Otherwise, he’s in the “just friends” category and he won’t be getting out.



Nov 102011

I love a good discussion. I love showing other people my point of view and seeing theirs. Even if I don’t agree with it.


However arguing with a brick wall is not fun, but occasionally it happens.


What really ticks me off is the people who fight unfair or use tactics to derail the conversation.


I had one such discussion today.. We were discussing unethical journalism and how it uses unnecessary sensationalism. Or at least a couple of us were, one of us was arguing against the rest of us.


This is how it ended…


the entire article is pointless, but you’re letting it trick you into giving it more readers


Seriously?? Here we are having a debate about journalistic ethics, and he’s accusing us of promoting the article by arguing about it?  Isn’t this the equivalent of being in an argument and one of you saying “You know this argument is stupid, this argument would end if you’re just shut up.” Funny thing was that it wasn’t stupid to me, and that he couldn’t fathom that at this point in our debate.. pissed me off.


I replied with “I only read the damn thing once. You’re the one continuing the discussion.


He was. We’d make a point or answer one of his questions and go off about our day.. and he’d ask another probing question about it.


He replied with “Then why do you keep replying to me?


Seriously, are we 5? I’m about to blow my stack in frustration. (For those of you who know me, this means I get scary quiet and concentrate on my breathing.) The only thing I can think to do is walk away. But I want to give him one more chance, just in case he didn’t know he was being an ass. (This was my mistake.)

I reply “WTF? you’re saying I’m continuing the debate now? You’re in this too. #gettingpissy


He then replies privately “And yet you still feel a need to reply? Emotion is the enemy of debate” in DM which I can’t reply cuz he’s not following me. Which is probably a good thing because I was out for blood at this point.


So.. for future reference.. if you end your arguments with.. “If you didn’t reply I’d stop arguing” or “No you stop” type methods.. I guarantee I won’t be happy with you when we’re done.  It also means you won’t be getting any makeup sex, and you’ll be lucky if I let you even sleep on the couch. The car maybe.. or out on the front lawn so everyone can see you’ve been an ass.

Oh and when you’ve decided you want to make up, you best be coming with gifts.

Dec 142010

So after my date with “Barks At Dogs”, I wanted a drink. I’d already planned on going out with Chrissy to a bar, and meeting a bunch of friends, so I headed to the bar.

I arrive and it’s drink specials night. $1 wells. Normally when they say $1 wells they mean mixed drinks. If you order a vodka on the rocks, most places will charge you double. Not this place. Vodka on the rocks for a buck.

I then decided to see how many I could down before the drink specials ran out at 10pm. Yes, I decided to get smashed, and announced it to everyone there.

The party included Chrissy, a couple girls I don’t really know, an Asian/Pacific Islander guy, and Ken.

I’ve known Ken for a while now. I met him at the same time that I met the guy I talked about in my “Confuzzled” post.

Ken is a sweetheart. Nice. Passive. Do anything for you. He’s one of those guys you write off as friends, because you’re pretty sure if you actually did try to date him you’d just end up hurting him.

As such, I wrote Ken off very quickly when I first met him. He’s also a little odd which doesn’t help matters any.

Ken, being the nice guy that he is, decided to help me in my drinking endeavor by buying me a few drinks himself, and encouraging me to drink up.

By 10pm, I had a good buzz going. I didn’t count how many drinks I had, but based on my bill. I know it was at least 14 vodkas on the rocks.

I didn’t stop at 10pm though. Ken bought me more drinks after that, and I didn’t turn them down.

He was being sweet, nice, and attentive. After my date earlier, he wasn’t looking so bad.. but I had no intentions of being more than friends with Ken.

This is where things get fuzzy. I’m missing pieces of what happened exactly, but since I was too drunk to drive myself home.. somehow I went home with Ken. I honestly don’t even think at that point that I had any intention of being more than just platonic with Ken.

But.. me + alcohol…

I honestly don’t remember leaving the bar, but I do remember walking to Ken’s car. I vaguely remember riding in the car on the way to his place. I woke up this morning with absolutely no clue where in Austin I was, a very rare thing as I always have a backup plan. But I obviously trusted Ken because I did not pay any attention to where he was driving me the night before. (of all the times in my life that I’ve ever been drunk, this is the only night that I have had this much trouble recalling things.. soo not a good sign)

I remember him parking, and myself opening up my car door and puking my guts out. (Sexy right?) And puking. And puking. I remember Ken clearly taking care of me, being sweet about everything, and telling me I’d be ok.

I don’t remember walking up to his apartment, but obviously I did since I woke there this morning.

I do remember knocking over his DVD shelving. His alphabetized collection falling haphazardly all over the floor. I remember trying to put them back on the shelves in the right order, and him begging me to stop. He wasn’t mad. He just wanted me in the bedroom.

I just don’t remember the point where it went from platonic to romantic at all.  I do clearly remember feeling platonic at the bar. I do clearly remember what we did next was not platonic, and it was just as much my idea as it was his. I just don’t remember how it got to that point.

I did find some texts on my phone this morning. Evidently, we were texting each other at the bar calling each other “Sweetie” and “Sweetheart”… (yes you can puke now)

But I’m very glad things went romantic, because Ken has a side to him in the bedroom that is HOT.

Outside the bedroom, Ken walks around as if he’s not really at ease or very self-assured. He seems sweet, innocent, passive. In the bedroom, he wasn’t really any of those things. He knew exactly what he was doing, how to do it, when to do it, and more. He’s also packing a pretty good pistol. (He’s a little bit like the married guy on “Cougartown”)

It’s the best sex I’ve had since my “Night of Sexual Healing” a little over a year ago, and boy did I need to get laid.

I woke up this morning feeling sick, icky, yucky, and happy… if just a little confused on where I was.. but I wasn’t confused at all on who I was with. The surprise of being happy with Ken was strange.. and I wonder if maybe I should have gotten drunk with him earlier.

Then he came back from taking his dog for a potty-walk, and we started again. The tone was different from the night before… better different. It was fun. It was sensual. It was amazing.

As he drove me back to my car this morning (after taking me out to get some breakfast), I learned more about him. I thought he was much younger than me. He’s actually just a little older. He someday wants to get married and have kids.

He might just be a keeper… maybe. I’ll have to get to know him better to tell for sure.  And I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day, had I not gotten drunk. Strange huh?

Now just to find out if he feels the same. It’s possible I might just be that drunk chick he brought home once, and decided never again.

Nov 162010

The other night I actually went out. Yes yes you can stop gasping in semi-faux shock now. Also, I’m starting to want to date again.  So yes that also means I’m feeling better.

Now back to the story!

After two days of ditching outings that I hadn’t really committed to, but planned to go to anyway, I really needed to get out of the house if only just to prove to myself that I could in fact get out of the house.

Plus it was an outing with Huew for the icing on the cake.

It ended up being the best night I’ve had in a long while and yet left me feeling very sad at the end. It is probably a good example of why I am still single.

The event was at a club that I really want to love as it’s based on a part of my cultural heritage that isn’t very well represented in Austin, but every time I’ve gone there its been either boring because no one is there or boring because you can’t move or talk to people because its too crowded. The layout leaves a lot to be desired.

The place was empty with the exception of our group. Huew greeted me as is his job as host, and we talked for a while. We talked with others, each other, and more to each other. We engaged in sexy banter.. which I clearly got the impression that I am not his type, and yet he swung it back to maybe I am.

Let me explain:
He saw this girl getting out of a booth not far away. She was dressed in a red/black bustier with itty bitty lace skirt and leggings. She was a larger woman with big breasts, so there was a whole ton of skin showing in the chest area. The bustier was also not well fitted for such a large bosom, and gave the impression that the boobs could roll out at any moment, but they did not.

He said, “Woah
I replied, “What’s wrong?
He did his best not to look back at her, but said, “That’s just too much”
I teased, “What you don’t like that?” (I knew full well what he was getting at, but I wanted him to say it.)
He said, “Not…*verbal fumbling*..
I again teased, “Oh sure, well.. I’ll just have to remember not to wear that when you’re around, its ok.
He smiled, “Well, at home you do right?
I laughed “Oh of course, all the time. But it’s be too much for you.
He tried to back track, “Well in public.. and well.. on.. ”
I shot him a quizzical look.
Maybe on someone smaller it’d be ok.
(Ah see there’s the gist of it.) I attempted to not look offended. The woman, other than nearly spilling out of her top, looked fan-freaking-tastic, and I admired her courage to wear it.
Uh huh… I’ll just remember not to wear such things when you’re around.” I threw in a smile and a slight wink for good humor.
well maybe for a costume party or something it’d be ok.. and of course at home

The conversation was interrupted at that point by drunk skinny chick which Huew informed me had barely had one cocktail. Which lead to Huew and I sharing drunk stories. Huew blacks out if drunk enough. I just often wish I would have; there are things I do drunk that I’d rather not remember I did.

The party then moves to another location suggested to us by the party girl. I really don’t like this girl. She’s nice. So I don’t really have any reason to dislike her personally, but she’s one of those girls that preys on men. She has to have a man. If she doesn’t bring one, she’ll find one there. She’ll get them all to buy her drinks, and do things for her. She never drives anywhere. A mutual friend of ours has told me that she’ll call everyone she knows and make up stories so she doesn’t have to drive. (I suppose in a way I’m probably jealous of her tenacity at selfishness.)

We get there, and we all place ourselves at a small table. We’d lost a few people in the transition, but there were a good seven or eight of us left. I sit down, and Huew sits next to me. We talk a bit and flirt. He complains because the band isn’t on yet, and that we’d arrived during a break. I told him that it was a good time to get to know everyone in the group. He saw my point, but replied.

But I already know you.
No you don’t.
Well, we’re friends on Facebook. So I know you.

I fake sighed and pretended to be offended that he thought getting to know me was boring. He tried to dig himself out of that hole. He of course was flailing and failing at that.

Well we can switch seats if you want, so you can get to know her” I offered as I pointed to the girl next to me.
He smiled, “No no, you’re ok where you are.
I looked at him feigning  frustration. “Ok, so really, you’re just not going to stop complaining until the band comes on?
He smiled and replied, “well yeah
I laughed. “Alright, then to even things out, I’m going to start complaining once the band comes on. You know, for balance.”
He laughed.

The band came on, and it wasn’t his kind of music. It was 40’s & 50’s R&B. Stuff I like. Well mostly stuff I like to sing to, but still stuff I like. So he still bitched, but I ignored his complaints and enticed him out on the dance floor.

It was then I got hit on. A nice bald man was dancing with one of the other girls from our group and she introduced us. He seemed all over me like I was the most beautiful women in the room. He then offered to buy us drinks. She ordered a vodka cranberry, and I wanted a vodka on the rocks. He then leaned in and asked what vodka I wanted. I nearly said “Any is fine” but thought better. My luck he’d bring me back some Absolut which I just cannot abide. So I said, “The well here isn’t bad, either that or Ketel One.” He told me that he wouldn’t subject me to well vodka but that he’d be back with Ketel One.

So I figured he really liked me, or he was crazy. A few minutes later after I thought he’d headed to the bar, he was again dancing with the other girl a few feet from me.

I thought, “Yeah, I’m betting he’s crazy”

I didn’t take long to ponder it, as they ran into me again, and he went off to get us drinks. As soon as he left, we were surrounded by two other men wanting to dance with us. They were hot, sexy, and educated. So, hot hot and hot. They were a ton of fun, then Baldy came back with our drinks. And yes, mine was filled with Ketel One.

As soon as Baldy returned though, he escorted the other girl to be alone dancing with him. My crazy alarm went off. I sidled up next to her and whispered for her to be careful with him, and then was spun away into a slow dance with Mr Hot Hot and Hot.  I haven’t slow danced in ages. It was a blast.

After the dance was over, I went to go check on Huew and the others since I’d not seen them in a while. (yeah probably why I’m single)  They’re in another part of the club that is playing rock tunes, and they decide it’s time to leave.

It’s about then that the “other girl” shows up. The one Baldy had swept away. She sees me and runs over.

OMG, you’ve got a sixth sense. He was fucking crazy. I left him to dance with someone else and he wigged out and tried to make me stay with him and started stalking me.” She went on telling me that she’d used Mr Hot Hot and Hot (and his friends) as cover/safety, until Baldy finally went away.

Seriously, any dude that insists on paying premium liquor prices when given the option for cheaper for a stranger that’s just friends with the girl he wants.. crazy assed bastard.

So we run back to the club we were at before. There’s a few more people there, but barely. We hit the dance floor, and I get hit on. (It’s like there’s a sign on my head, “Just back into dating” its possible it could be a “Needs to get laid” sign, but I don’t think I was giving that vibe no matter how true it is.)

His name is Brad, and my lack of interest made him disappear. *POOF* (again, probably why I’m single)

However, not long after that is when Louis showed up. He was cute. Mexican cute. He had that geeky aura, and honestly was right my type.

He was there with his best girlfriend. He explained that she’d just gotten through a bad breakup and he was trying to cheer her up.

Had she not been there, had he not made excuses for why he was with her, had Huew not been there, I’d have been all over Louis. (yes probably another reason I’m single)

Instead, I got into their business. He introduced me to Claudia (pronounced Cloud-ia), and I bent to whisper in her ear, “You know he’s into you right?

She replied back scoffing at the idea, “No, I’m pretty sure he’s into you.

You’re wrong. He really likes you. That’s why he’s here right now.

She didn’t believe me, and she asked him. His initial response was shock, back peddling, and then almost denial.

Oh don’t try to deny it. One or both of you has a thing for other. Ooo Or maybe.. have you two already dated once?

They both quickly said they hadn’t dated. He had met her while she was dating someone else.

Ok, well then.. sorry Louis to out you like this, but Claudia he likes you. I think you like him too. You’re going to have to deal with this sometime.

I go back to dancing. Louis goes back to hitting on me, and I give him just enough encouragement to keep him there.

Then Claudia whispers to me, “You know I think he really likes you.”

I stop dancing turn around, and whisper to her. “Girl, I’ve seen this before. I’ve been there done that from where I am and from where you are. If you like him, you need to take him now before someone like me snatches him up.

They disappeared shortly after that.

About a half hour later, our group decides to leave. Huew is hungry and we decide to go to this 24 hour diner that isn’t far away. That’s when the other guy backs out and says he’s just going home. The other girl left also decides to go home. Huew and I try to talk them into going.

They firmly decline and since they were parked near each other, they walked to their cars together.

Huew and I were parked near each other, and so we walked to our cars together as well.

As we’re walking, we talk about the night and how it went. It comes to the point where he wants to veer off course to his car.

Where are you parked?
Just over there..” I point.
Are you ok making it there by yourself?
Sure. You still wanting to get something to eat?” I say hopefully.
Naw, I’ll just grab some Jack in the Box or something.
Oh ok” I try to say as if it didn’t matter to me.

This is how I know we’re just friends. No guy who likes a girl would refuse to spend one on one time with her while it was still in the non-pressure non-date setting.

Guess I can hope that Louis and Claudia don’t work out, and he *poofs* into my path again.

Sep 052010

So… I went out on this date last night. Well I think it was a date? A “meet & greet” so to speak. I probably should have canceled.. but I couldn’t in good conscience.

See.. we’d been trying to get together for a month now, and every time he’d ask me to join him somewhere.. I was busy. No no.. not dodging him busy, but actually had real plans already set up that I couldn’t get out of for one reason or another.

So when he asked me about this weekend and my schedule was completely empty for once, I told him he had first choice of when we’d meet. I planned on being there with bells on after the pain in the ass I’d been so far.

Then yesterday morning happened.

I woke feeling like crap. My stomach hurt like I’d eaten something rotten. I checked my calendar, and according to schedule, I wasn’t due for the monthly visit for a couple more days. Phew.

So I get up and run to the toilet thinking that I must just have gotten into something bad the night before and tried to jog my brain on what it might be.

No no.. no such luck. I’d started my monthly. Gotta love timing. Somebody somewhere really loves me.

The first day of my monthly .. at least 6 hours of it usually.. is spent in horrid pain. Normally I just cancel any plans I’ve made for that day which would require me to be happy, charming, and fun. Because:

A. I’m either going to still be in excruciating pain, and I’m not that great of an actress to be happy and charming while I feel like a gerbil is ripping up my insides.

B. I’m going to be unbelievably exhausted from the 6 hours of a gerbil ripping up my insides, and find it impossible to be charming while quelling the urge to curl up in the nearest chair and sleep.

So I really debated canceling my date. But since I’d been such a pain in the ass to make plans with in the first place, I couldn’t imagine him believing me that I needed to cancel without him taking it personally.

So I didn’t cancel.  My pain wore off about 2 hours before we were to meet, and I was exhausted. I was walking around my apartment trying to get ready with all the ability of a zombie. It took me 45 minutes to do my hair and makeup which normally takes me about 20 max. In my sleepy haze, I lost track of time and ended up being a good 15 minutes late.

I now have it on my “life rules” list that I will cancel any future dates that happen to land on the starting day of my monthly.

I arrive and it quickly becomes clear to me that I’ve got about 5 braincells still working, and that’s all I can muster. Just enough that I don’t sound like a complete moron and I’m not yawning, but not enough to truly be my normal entertaining self.

The first sign of this was my complete inability to read the wine menu, comprehend it, and place an order in a timely manner. My date was chatting with me and talking and asking questions, and honestly that was about the limit to my cognitive abilities to be able to listen to him and respond with semi-charming responses.

I swear it took me about a half hour to order a glass of wine.

The guy was great though. Charming. Fun. and not as bad on the eyes as I feared he might be… ok, he’s kinda cute.

At the end of the date, he mentioned that he was dead tired and needed to head home. I agreed and said I was dead tired as well.

He might have been making excuses to end the evening.. I didn’t really care at that point. Ok I did care a little, but I was dead, and welcomed the excuse to go home.

I barely made it driving the 15 minutes home without falling asleep. I got home, tore my clothes off, and fell into bed.


Sep 032010

Today I was doing “cleaning” to prepare for company next week. I’m actually working on those New Years resolutions, as well as moving things around to make the apt as spacious as possible.

I’ve still got a crapload of boxes from the house. I counted the other day about 5 boxes, maybe more, of Christmas decorations. A few boxes that contain some old glassware I’m not ready to part with. A few boxes have some very nice vintage collectors dishes and serving bowls which I don’t have room in this apartment to display or use. There’s the “Tower” of old board games. The boxes of old writings, old yearbooks, old pictures.. a box of a variety of tablecloths (which I just managed to uncover and store them in a useful spot, finally). I’m not even going to go into the many many books I have, or the closets (yes plural) of clothes.

It’s too much stuff, and the more I go through it.. the more stuff I get rid of..

But also the more memories it jogs.

See.. Today while sorting through some junk, I found a folded up napkin which I almost just tossed in the trash until I thought..

“Wait! This is me that packed this box. I don’t just throw crap in my boxes. Why in the hell would have I kept a worn out napkin?”

So I unfolded the napkin. I probably haven’t unfolded that napkin in a good 10 years. I honestly had forgotten that it even existed.

On the inside of the napkin were some scribbles. Real handwriting. A boys name. His phone number. Some doodles. And his email address.

The memories of Rudy came back to me. I remembered how it felt when he gave me his contact information and how excited I was. He was finally interested. In me!

I remembered so vividly that feeling of joy, and the wonderful but brief times we’d spent together that I immediately looked him up on Facebook to see if he was there. He was, and his status was single.

I took it as a sign that fate was smiling on me, and I added him. The joy of the memories flooded through my mind as I waited to see if he’d accept the connection. Most of the memories were remembering the emotions of our previous connection, how well we’d gotten along..

Then he accepted the connection, and the fantasy of him suddenly became more real. The joyous memories suddenly leaked into the bad ones. The romanticized memories faded into more honest accounts of exactly how we were.. how I was back then..

I remembered what it was I liked about him. He was opinionated. Harsh, yet sweet. He had standards. Strict high standards. Aspects of personality that I rarely find attractive anymore, and aspects of personality that rarely change in a person.

Was this even going to have a hope of working?

Our History:

One of my first relationships in college was with this guy I’d met in a theatre production. He was geeky, smart, and suave. He knew all the right words, and myself being quite innocent didn’t help much. I thought he hung the moon, and ignored nearly everything else about him. He seemed to know much more than I did, so when he said something I believed him.

About a month into our relationship, he took me to his dorm. It was an all male dorm, and Rudy was his Resident Adviser, RA. He introduced me to Rudy, and for the first time since getting together I wanted to be single.. instantly.

Upon meeting me, Rudy gave me this look of pity and disgust and he tried to hide it, but it was obvious he was judging me solely by my taste in men. He did not like the guy I was seeing, and since I was with him, I was obviously dirt. He wouldn’t even speak to me. It shocked me out of my “love-blinders”.

The guy was seeing was bad news. Not obviously bad news at the start, but bi-polar with a pathological liar streak. It wasn’t until I met his friends, that I really understood just how much untruth he sold me. Needless untruth, simply to make himself look smarter or more interesting or just for shits and giggles. He’d even told his entire dorm quite a few untruths about me.. none of which were flattering.

Rudy doesn’t remember this btw.. not even years later when I did finally get his number.

I lost track of Rudy after that for a few years, until we both were working at Wal-Mart. He’d walk by my section and I’d flirt with him. Day after day I sought him out and we began to develop a friendship. I’d worked on charming him for months before he finally invited me to a small party at his place.

I can’t remember where in this story he wrote down his info on the napkin. I just remember it as a badge of success. A badge of approval. Of being worthy. It was a happiness built on hope, joy, and forgiveness.

The party was small. Just a few of his friends and I hanging out and chatting. It was a great night. I was the last to leave, and we had a short but amazing make-out session.

We saw each other a few more times before he left for a new school in Colorado, but nothing more than that ever happened.

We wrote (email) back and forth for months while he was away. He told me all about his school, work, and efforts. I told him all about mine. I waited for his emails like air. I wanted him. I worked on making myself into the girl he’d want.

I did that a lot back then. Making myself into playdough and shaping myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, whatever was needed to get someone to like me.

And Rudy … He never insisted that I change. He’d just walk if there was something that he didn’t like, and I didn’t have enough self-esteem or belief in my own attractiveness to just let him go.

Looking back, I never thought myself as I was.. was ever enough for anyone. (I know its sad.)

Rudy finally did return to town for Christmas. He made time to go out with me. I was so excited. I wanted to pick up where we’d left off. We didn’t have a whole lot of time as he had a bunch of friends to visit and family holidays. I ended up driving (I can’t remember why), as I dropped him off for his next obligation.. we sat in the car and talked for a little bit.. joking around, laughing.. and I leaned over to kiss him, and he stopped me.

“I’m seeing someone in Colorado. I’m sorry.”

You could have heard my heart hit the floor. Months of emails. Months of conversations, and not one mention of this girlfriend.

I was hurt, wounded, and furious.. just the combo needed for me to be a little detrimental to myself. I called up a “friend” for a bootycall. We’d never slept together before because he’d been married, but that was over.. and I figured this was as good of a time as any.

The next day I got a call from Rudy. Somehow he’d found out about my sex-excursion, and he knew full well that his rejection of me instigated it. He didn’t have any nice words to say to me. As it turned out, Rudy was friends with this guy’s ex-wife.. and they weren’t officially divorced yet. (Shocker that I got lied to) Rudy called me some not so nice names. He didn’t care about my side of the story, and said he couldn’t be friends with anyone who would think so little of themselves, and that he never wanted to speak to me again.. and he never did.

For some reason in the back of my head I wanted his forgiveness.. but as I look at things.. I’m not sure I’ve done anything for him to forgive.

If anything.. maybe I should be the one doing the forgiving… and maybe a little more leaving the past alone, and moving forward..

Aug 242010

As you all know, I go out networking. I go out networking OFTEN. So much so that most of my networking pals are quickly becoming good friends (whether they know.. er like it or not).

The funniest was the other night when I was accosted by one of my favorite married hot men friends. I had barely walked in before he’d pulled me aside and away from everyone.

“What was Jack doing with you the other night?”

Umm Mike and I are good friends… or so I think.. but we’re not THAT good of friends, and I had no idea why he thought I was with Jack. Or why he’d be so frantic about it. Jack barely knows who I am.

“Uh whaaaaaa?”

“Jack, you two were together the other night. He was bragging about it.”

Still completely clueless about what in the hell he was talking about..

“He was what? when? why? huh? I’m totally confused.”

“He told everyone he was with you at your place the other night. Everyone. Didn’t you know? What’s going on?”

I must have looked at him like he was completely off his rocker.

“Uh Jack wasn’t with me. Jack & I have talked like once..”

He interrupts. “No he’s telling everyone..”

I interrupt. “Wait.. wait.. what night was this?”

Turns out it was a huge misunderstanding and an extended joke from the group that Jack and I’d been talking in that last night I’d seen him.

Mike however interpreted the joke as Jack taking advantage of me or tarnishing my honor or my good name.

Once I put two and two together, I couldn’t stop laughing. I probably offended Mike by my incessant laughter, but it was just too funny.

After years of having everyone and their dog assume and accuse me of being some kind of whore, I find it hysterically funny that anyone would want to defend my honor. (Maybe thats just the bitter old woman in me?)

I was however extremely flattered that Mike felt inclined to check on me. He pretends to be a big ass, grumpy and antisocial, but he’s really just a huge sweetheart.  His wife is too, but don’t tell them I said that… I’d hate to ruin their reputation. 🙂

Later that night, I found myself trapped in conversation with a group of geek-boys. Hot young geek-boys. They said they were 23.. or around there. They were new to town and I’d briefly met them earlier in the week. Being the big mama-bear that I am, I felt all protective and wanted to introduce them to people.

I tried, but the more I tried the more they seemed to single me and Roma into conversation. I couldn’t tell if they were doing the divide and conquer… One of them taking me aside so another of them could talk one on one with Roma.. or if the guy talking to me really was that interested. It was hard to tell.

But they would not leave us alone or let the conversation fade. Which was fine with us for the most part as there wasn’t really much of anyone else to talk to, and they were fucking smart and hot. Well the one I was talking to was anyway. I’d end up getting distracted, introducing them to someone walking by, and suddenly he’d engage me in conversation again. I gave the boy plenty of outs to talk to anyone else, and yet he chose me. Roma was having the issue with one of the other boys.

As we walked back to the car, we started sharing notes.

“They really seemed intent on talking to us.”
“I know, it was kinda surreal.”
“Do you think they had any clue how old we are?” (Both of us are a good 14 yrs older than them)
“I don’t know. From the way they were talking to us, I’m pretty sure they thought we were much younger. Or they have that whole “The Graduate” thing going on.”

Roma laughed. We agreed that they had to have thought we were closer to their age. She herself forgets that I’m her age, and instead thinks I’m in my late 20’s.

Not that it matters much. The guy I was talking to was hot enough… dark hair, gorgeous.. looked a bit like the actor on Kyle XY.. which is enough for me.. I mean as long as I’ve ascertained that he’s legal.. and this guy is.

We’ll see if I run into him again.

Aug 222010

Fooled Again.

See, I should have seen this coming. Actually I did see this coming, I just ignored it.

I mean…

No man can possibly “Love” you and know for certain that he will want you “no matter what” from simply talking to you online.

Or at least no man in his right mind.

There were other signs. Like being so excited to meet me, planning romantic dates, and yet he wasn’t so into me that he ever felt the urge to read past posts on my blog.

Not to mention that he’s recently divorced and hadn’t had sex since his ex.

So… yeah.. I’m pretty damn stupid and I should have seen this coming.

Sadly, I’m not as pissed about feeling used for sex, as I am at myself for allowing myself to believe this guy genuinely liked me and wanted to be with me.

The signs were there. He wanted to be in love, and he was desperate for someone to love him back the same way he loved on them.

He’d worn me down to believing in us, but not enough to throw all caution to the wind and fall head over heels.

Back in the day, I used to fall in love easily. Infatuation mostly. I’d fall fast and hard and get massively hurt. I don’t fall that easy, or I try not to anymore.

But he’d worked on me. Weeks.. Months.. of constantly asking me how I was, talking, chatting, 6 hour phone calls. He was there. He’d claim he wanted what I wanted. It was suspicious, but he was persuasive.

By the time we’d finally met, I was convinced that he really did like me. I also knew that he secretly wanted a relationship, but would agree to whatever I would allow.

The chemistry was great… the sex itself was not. It was something to work on… but had the sex been great, I highly doubt I’d have been able to resist “His & Hers” towels.

We had a conversation style where honesty just happened. So at the end of the weekend, I told him that I wasn’t ready to be exclusive, but I still wanted to see him.  I could tell it wasn’t what he was hoping for, but that he still wanted to pursue us.

He seemed sold on me.. or so I thought..

Then silence. No messages. No phone calls. I’d gotten so used to him contacting me that I got worried. So I called him. He claimed to be busy.

The next day silence. He’s not contacting me. I wigg out. He finally tells me he met a girl online and has a date in two days. This is not unusual talk for us, as we’ve discussed his dates in the past. I expect to hear every detail as I did before.

Only he’s quiet. I wigg out. He calls to assure me that he’s there for me. And wasn’t this what I wanted? (dating other people yes.. being ignored and left out while you do it? No.)

48 hours after parting with me, he meets a girl online. 48 hours later he’s on a date with her. Then on his facebook he posts that “within 48 hours he’s gotten this job he wanted, and just met someone special.”

This job was something we’d both been waiting to hear if he’d gotten. He never contacted me to tell me the joyous news. He honestly hasn’t contacted me at all.

10 days ago, you couldn’t keep him from talking to me. Actually, 7 days ago, you couldn’t keep us apart.

Now he’s head over heels in love with someone else. His facebook is all about her, and posts from her… and he’s even friended her friends and hopes to meet them soon.

It’s no wonder women hate men, I’m already more bitter than I have been in … well probably a good decade.

And I hate myself for falling for him at all.. and I hate that I’m filled with anger.. and I hate him for breaking me down and giving me hope, and letting myself open up to the idea of a relationship.

I was perfectly happy with finding something casual.. and non-committal.. and now..

And now I want someone to hold me at night. I want to grow with someone, be with someone special.

And I especially hate him for that.

Aug 172010

I was planning on leaving this entire thing out of my blog, but since it was kinda announced on Twitter.. and some people are chomping at the bit to hear how things went.. I feel somewhat obligated to include at least a portion of the events here.

I’m a bit nervous about including these events, because he reads this.. religiously… and thus can see exactly what I’m thinking… which … well… might be a slightly different perspective from what he’s heard straight from me.. worse case might upset him or give him an annoyingly big ego.

So.. here I go at my attempt to be honest with you.. and still keep things within the limits of “Things I’m Willing To Let Him Know”.

To be perfectly honest, up until about a week or so ago, I wasn’t taking his visit very seriously. I was pretty sure he was a harmless nutjob or not ready for dating. Then we got to talking, and I started to care for him more than I planned.

What started as a joke of a “weekend sex-a-thon” suddenly, became more of a “date”. Yet, I still stuck to my guns on our initial agreement of no pictures. Err… well I’d seen pictures of him, he insisted he didn’t need pictures of me and I held him to that.

So if I really needed to, I could show up and see him and walk out and he wouldn’t be the wiser.

We agreed to meet at a locally owned bar downtown. He got there before I did, and texted me that he’d arrived. I walked in a few minutes later, and searched the bar for his face. I didn’t see him at first, then as I walked further inside, I saw his profile.

He turned to look at me as I pulled up a chair; I looked at his face and said to myself, “Oh yes.. yes yes yes.”

He’s tall, though not as tall as I’d imagined 6’4 would be, and he’s pretty damn cute.  In certain lights, he’s cute & attractive, in others he’s motherfucking hot.  He’s no twig man either, and bulky enough that I had absolutely no fear of breaking him… but not so bulky that I was afraid of being broken myself.

So I sat down and we talked. For the first 30-40-50-120 minutes or so, I can’t tell you what we talked about.

See my inner-monologue was going… “Kiss me!” “I wonder if he’ll kiss me?” “Oh shit, what if he thinks I’m ugly?” “Damn it kiss me”

Then once when he was done talking with his hands, he rested his forearm on the table touching my forearm.

“Does that mean he likes me? I mean… fucker! kiss me already!!”

Have I mentioned before that I have little patience?

Somewhere after that.. I can’t tell you how long, because I suck at the passage of time when I’m waiting for hot men to kiss me. Hell, I suck at the passage of time most days anyway, but distract me with a hot man.. and I’m completely useless with time… He kissed me.

I’d love to tell you that the first kiss was a knock-your-socks-off kiss. It wasn’t. We had some negotiating to do. He likes to start kisses with his mouth open. I like to start kisses with my mouth closed with passion progressing to open.

He changed his kissing style to mine, nearly immediately. (Smart man)

From then on out that evening, it was a mobile make-out session. PDA and everything, as I showed him around the downtown bar scene which as it turns out neither of us really cared about.  I’d be surprised if he could tell you which bars we went to or what they looked like. We were kinda.. well… preoccupied.

He was a gentleman the entire time… despite our PDA sessions.. opening doors, holding my hand, arm around me, and took charge of getting drinks or whatever else needed tending to. He did this adorable thing of kissing my forehead now and then, and his shoulder is just at the right height for me to rest my head against.

He also was very conscious the entire weekend about making sure I was taken care of.. safe.. and comfortable. More so, than any man has ever been my entire life. It was strange, exciting, encouraging, and in some ways like walking into some kind of storybook.

Anything I needed.. any complaints.. suggestions.. whatever.. and he (not always without complaint though) did his best to make sure I was happy and content… if not jubilant.

To understand the full extent of the testing he went through, you’d have to know a whole lot more about me.. but let me say this.. I am not an easy person to date when it comes down to reality. The hoops you have to jump through in order to be with me in any kind of daily way are pretty big. Even after this weekend of “Dating Maruska 101” crash course, he still seems willing to stay in the running. I was pretty damn sure that would scare him off.

We still have a few things to iron out, and work through. We’re still keeping things open and casual until then.. but there’s hope.. that maybe.. some day.. this might turn out to be something great.