Aug 122010

(I might need this book)

This week has been an emotional week for me. It doesn’t help that I’m all full of hormones run rampant.

Nearly everything that I thought was stable and safe.. went horribly wrong. Thankfully, there were also some equally fantastic things going right this week, or I might have just packed up my crap and moved back in with my parents uninvited. Old people need a caretaker right?

My stress level right now is toggling between “give up, and start packing to live out of a shopping cart” and “seeing the light at the end of the tunnel”.. with very little middle ground.

Between all this.. is a bunch of unresolved emotional crap that reared its head.

I don’t know how to forgive people who have hurt me. Or at least, that I perceive their actions as hurting me personally. Maybe its more of abandonment?

See I used to be friends with some people that I met through different means. They then met each other, and I honestly think I might be a good part of the way that some of them met each other, but thats another story.

One day I woke up and they’d all decided not to be my friends anymore. Well ok, that’s not exactly how it went. They decided not to be friends with an acquaintance of mine, and they decided not to include me in their new clique. So right now, they feel more like they’ve taken the stance of enemy than friends that I no longer talk to.

I no longer see most of them around. I figured if they didn’t want to be friends with me, I didn’t need to try to be friends with them.

But now and then I see them courting a few of my friends that stood by me during the whole fallout and friends that never knew anything about it, and I can’t help but relive the hurt.

Its a completely selfish “How can they be friends with them, and not me? What did I ever do?” It’s insane, and crazy, and I know it.

I just don’t know how to get past this…

And I sure don’t want my previous experiences with these people to affect current friendships or to make mutual friends feel the need to take sides. Because that’s not very loving or fair, and not how I like to behave.

Maybe I’m just too much of a hormonal emotional basketcase right now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and be fine.

For now.. lots of wine, a box of tissues, and a chick-flick.