Mar 292017

Yesterday, I had fun and yet didn’t.

I met with a guy who wants to be submissive to me. He seems nice enough and on paper we seem to be a nice fit, but he’s Indian with a thick accent and I only understand about half of what he says.

But we talked about things and I like the thought of having a submissive that I can pretty much just order around.  I just don’t know if I’m ready for that, and the communication issue is a big one.

So while thinking about it… Hair Petter messages me.

He asks about my hobbies.

I reply. “Sex”

He says to meet him at his place as he’ll be less tired than last time.

I do.

It wasn’t good. He’s better when he’s tired.

And it’s the first time since I started having sex again that I actually regret it.  I think the “having fun” portion is over, and that I need something more.

But I also think this is George’s fault. I started to feel this way as soon as we actually kissed.

I get excited when he messages or comments on my posts. I want to see him again more than anyone and I can’t wait until his cold is over.

I don’t understand why him though. We have nothing in common. We hate each other’s music choices. He is an avid video gamer and I pretty much hate it. He’s old man crochety and hateful to people, and I try to embrace hope/love.

While he’s not ugly, he’s not handsome. He’s about 4 inches shorter than me if not more. He’s losing his hair. I’m not entirely sure he knows how to clean or do laundry as his place makes mine look & smell pristine.

But he kisses me and my toes curl.

I don’t understand it at all.

I’m supposed to meet up with Garath on Saturday. I’m going to keep the appointment and see if things have changed there, but I have a feeling that they have.

Nov 262011

Mr. Non-Tech told me in no uncertain terms that we were “just friends”.  I didn’t handle it well, but at least I had the smarts to hide it a little. He has no idea the extent of how I feel.


While in many ways it’s great to finally have that sorted out, I still didn’t quite fully realize just how much I felt and how deep I was into it.


Most times when a guy I like says that we’re just friends, I get a little pissed off.. I mean who wouldn’t want me?.. But I also get over it rather quickly. It’s not usually a big deal. He doesn’t want me, who cares.. Next!


Unfortunately there is a type of men like Mr. Non-Tech which get under my skin and drive me quite literally into CrazyTown.


These men are dangerous, but generally only to me. They’re also very sweet, kind, loving men with very strong character/personalities and have a confidence about them. They’re leaders.


They also like to listen.


The combination of which seems to turn me into sycophant. Most of these are what I call “natural dominant” males, the rest are usually sociopaths (though anymore I can usually detect the sociopaths coming – one or two ruin the party for all the rest. Sorry.)


A week ago was when I first started to see the major warning signs. I wanted to be with him 24/7. I’d be pissed as all shit, then he’d call and the mere sound of his voice and I turn into “OMG, I’m just glad you’re talking to me.” I’d be jumpy and uneasy when it’d been too long since we’d last talked or if he didn’t reply to a message in a decent amount of time.


We’d talked every night for hours before I went to sleep for over a week. I was very well attuned to him by then.  So attuned that (this was a big warning sign that I was in trouble) when he didn’t call – I wasn’t worried for his safety or anything – I couldn’t get to sleep at all. The next night, I wasn’t tired at all but the minute he called I relaxed and  it was like my entire body said “Ok all is well with the world, you can go to sleep now.”


I sound nut-balls don’t I?


That feeling of addiction to another person is an amazing feeling. It burns so hot. It’s happy. Joyful, Full of hope. Every day is a rainbow. (It also comes with massive downward spirals as well.)


However, every one of these types of relationships I’ve been in has ended horrendously for me.  As good as the good times are, the bad times are equally as evil.


One of them.. We’d been together for just over 6 months when he called it off.  I am not exaggerating to say I went nut-balls for a while.  It took me 3 months before I stopped crying, and longer before I could even think about another relationship.  (Compared to my other relationships which I’m usually good to go after a few hours of crying, and possibly a month of regrouping.)


At the moment, I’m trying my best not to think about the feeling that I have a massive hole in my chest.  I feel like I’ll never love again, even though I know it isn’t true. I’ve cried like a baby followed by a couple hours of sleep, then waking, crying, and falling back to sleep.


NUT-BALLS! I tell you.


It’d be nice actually if I found a guy who had this effect on me who actually was into me long-term.. though I’m relatively sure if we spent years together and he suddenly died that my body would give out on me shortly after. Co-dependency I believe is the word.


Actually, no.. that’s probably not a good idea either.


This weekend is detox from Mr. Non-tech. I’m doing my best NOT to pick up the phone and call him.  Cuz I want to.. I really want to..


I swear this is crazy shit.  Totally crazy shit. Remember my last post about the type of guys that I submit to? I wasn’t really exaggerating. Until I come out the otherside of this Mr. Non-tech detox, he could probably get me to do just about anything for him. (well within reason, a few more months of this addiction to him, and I’d probably really do anything).


Ok, next time I start to describe someone I met as “crack” “cocaine” or “addictive”.. just tell me to start f’n running right there? Schedule the intervention.  I’m going to need it.