Aug 222010

Fooled Again.

See, I should have seen this coming. Actually I did see this coming, I just ignored it.

I mean…

No man can possibly “Love” you and know for certain that he will want you “no matter what” from simply talking to you online.

Or at least no man in his right mind.

There were other signs. Like being so excited to meet me, planning romantic dates, and yet he wasn’t so into me that he ever felt the urge to read past posts on my blog.

Not to mention that he’s recently divorced and hadn’t had sex since his ex.

So… yeah.. I’m pretty damn stupid and I should have seen this coming.

Sadly, I’m not as pissed about feeling used for sex, as I am at myself for allowing myself to believe this guy genuinely liked me and wanted to be with me.

The signs were there. He wanted to be in love, and he was desperate for someone to love him back the same way he loved on them.

He’d worn me down to believing in us, but not enough to throw all caution to the wind and fall head over heels.

Back in the day, I used to fall in love easily. Infatuation mostly. I’d fall fast and hard and get massively hurt. I don’t fall that easy, or I try not to anymore.

But he’d worked on me. Weeks.. Months.. of constantly asking me how I was, talking, chatting, 6 hour phone calls. He was there. He’d claim he wanted what I wanted. It was suspicious, but he was persuasive.

By the time we’d finally met, I was convinced that he really did like me. I also knew that he secretly wanted a relationship, but would agree to whatever I would allow.

The chemistry was great… the sex itself was not. It was something to work on… but had the sex been great, I highly doubt I’d have been able to resist “His & Hers” towels.

We had a conversation style where honesty just happened. So at the end of the weekend, I told him that I wasn’t ready to be exclusive, but I still wanted to see him.  I could tell it wasn’t what he was hoping for, but that he still wanted to pursue us.

He seemed sold on me.. or so I thought..

Then silence. No messages. No phone calls. I’d gotten so used to him contacting me that I got worried. So I called him. He claimed to be busy.

The next day silence. He’s not contacting me. I wigg out. He finally tells me he met a girl online and has a date in two days. This is not unusual talk for us, as we’ve discussed his dates in the past. I expect to hear every detail as I did before.

Only he’s quiet. I wigg out. He calls to assure me that he’s there for me. And wasn’t this what I wanted? (dating other people yes.. being ignored and left out while you do it? No.)

48 hours after parting with me, he meets a girl online. 48 hours later he’s on a date with her. Then on his facebook he posts that “within 48 hours he’s gotten this job he wanted, and just met someone special.”

This job was something we’d both been waiting to hear if he’d gotten. He never contacted me to tell me the joyous news. He honestly hasn’t contacted me at all.

10 days ago, you couldn’t keep him from talking to me. Actually, 7 days ago, you couldn’t keep us apart.

Now he’s head over heels in love with someone else. His facebook is all about her, and posts from her… and he’s even friended her friends and hopes to meet them soon.

It’s no wonder women hate men, I’m already more bitter than I have been in … well probably a good decade.

And I hate myself for falling for him at all.. and I hate that I’m filled with anger.. and I hate him for breaking me down and giving me hope, and letting myself open up to the idea of a relationship.

I was perfectly happy with finding something casual.. and non-committal.. and now..

And now I want someone to hold me at night. I want to grow with someone, be with someone special.

And I especially hate him for that.

Aug 122010

(I might need this book)

This week has been an emotional week for me. It doesn’t help that I’m all full of hormones run rampant.

Nearly everything that I thought was stable and safe.. went horribly wrong. Thankfully, there were also some equally fantastic things going right this week, or I might have just packed up my crap and moved back in with my parents uninvited. Old people need a caretaker right?

My stress level right now is toggling between “give up, and start packing to live out of a shopping cart” and “seeing the light at the end of the tunnel”.. with very little middle ground.

Between all this.. is a bunch of unresolved emotional crap that reared its head.

I don’t know how to forgive people who have hurt me. Or at least, that I perceive their actions as hurting me personally. Maybe its more of abandonment?

See I used to be friends with some people that I met through different means. They then met each other, and I honestly think I might be a good part of the way that some of them met each other, but thats another story.

One day I woke up and they’d all decided not to be my friends anymore. Well ok, that’s not exactly how it went. They decided not to be friends with an acquaintance of mine, and they decided not to include me in their new clique. So right now, they feel more like they’ve taken the stance of enemy than friends that I no longer talk to.

I no longer see most of them around. I figured if they didn’t want to be friends with me, I didn’t need to try to be friends with them.

But now and then I see them courting a few of my friends that stood by me during the whole fallout and friends that never knew anything about it, and I can’t help but relive the hurt.

Its a completely selfish “How can they be friends with them, and not me? What did I ever do?” It’s insane, and crazy, and I know it.

I just don’t know how to get past this…

And I sure don’t want my previous experiences with these people to affect current friendships or to make mutual friends feel the need to take sides. Because that’s not very loving or fair, and not how I like to behave.

Maybe I’m just too much of a hormonal emotional basketcase right now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and be fine.

For now.. lots of wine, a box of tissues, and a chick-flick.