Oct 102017

holding handsI have been stewing on this for a day or so. I know I’ve written about him before, but I don’t think I’ve used his name.

I met Brian back in June. I’ve seen him on and off since then. Always at the same bar. We usually chat for a bit, but recently he’s come to wait for me at the end of the night and walk me to my car.

Once we get to my car, we chat for a while holding hands and sometimes kiss.

He’s always chivalrous, kind, and cautious. He never asks me out though. Just random meeting at the bar.

Two weeks ago I saw him, and that’s when he started being odd. He told me that he probably wouldn’t be around this past weekend. He had a thing on Friday, and on Saturday he was supposed to be out of town.

Never before has he disclosed his schedule like that.

But last Friday, I got to the bar and there he was. Supposedly his event ended early. We hung out the rest of evening talking, and he walked me to my car. We talked more and held hands. Both hands. Then kissed goodnight.

When I showed up at the bar on Saturday night (I wasn’t expecting to see him), there he was again. This time he was sad, and I was distracted. I had a bunch of friends show up that I’d not seen in a while, so I was flitting around. But he lingered near, and I introduced him to my friends.. he introduced me to his as the night went… but we didn’t really get to talk.

He was sad because a guy who frequented the bar had been in a serious accident, and a girl who I’d inferred that he’d been interested in was there.. and she knew the guy.

So he wanted to be there for her.. so he didn’t walk me to my car.

And that hurt.

I don’t remember if he found out she was still married (she’s divorcing) that night or the next.

Anyway, the next day I texted him to see if he’d heard anything else about the guy who got hurt. He said he’d just found out the guy died. I asked if he needed to talk or if he wanted to grab a drink, that I’d meet him somewhere.

He replied that there were a bunch of people at the bar hanging out in a group coping thing. He did not invite me. He didn’t say he wanted me there. He just told me about it.

I hesitated, but decided to just show up and see.

There were about 10 people there, and he was sitting there next to the girl from last night (she’s also a friend of mine btw, and I know she’s not interested in dating anyone right now).  And my heart sunk.

There were enough other people I knew that I went to other people first and gave out hugs.  He got up shortly after seeing me, and walked around the table to me.

But like the night before, he gave me “friend hugs”… not face to face, but one armed side hugs.. like he wanted to make sure people looking on didn’t think we were together.

Then.. I’m not sure what happened.. but he stayed close to me the rest of the night.  We talked with other people of course, but he was right beside me almost all night.

If he left my side, he made sure to tell me exactly where he was going and why.

At one point, the girl, Brian, and I were all outside talking. She was more talking to him than I, and I was feeling hot, so I took a couple steps back, and his head swung to look at me asking with his face where I was going.. a hurt look on his face.  I told him I was hot and I needed to go inside.  He relaxed a bit, but seemed torn whether to stay outside or follow me. I told him to stay outside if he wanted, it was ok.  He relaxed a little, but wasn’t certain.

I went inside and sat down. The bar was pretty empty (it was a Sunday night) so there were plenty of empty seats.

A few minutes later he came in and sat beside me and we talked a bit. Then the girl came in and sat beside him, and he talked to her.

A guy friend of mine came and chatted with me. Every time I turned my chair, or made any kind of movement that I might be leaving my seat… Brian would turn to check and start to ask if I was leaving.

I haven’t been that watched in ages. It felt like we were a couple. He was like that the rest of the night.

As the bar closed, he walked me to my car, and our hands fell together and held for a moment while we stood next to my car.

He saw in the distance some people from the “mourning group” that we’d not seen in a while, and I could tell he wanted to check on them to make sure people were ok and had rides.  He’s sweet and responsible like that.

So I walked with him. We get over to them, and we’re talking to one group when he sees someone standing off to the side. He excuses himself and says he needs to check on her.

Next thing I know she’s got her arm around him and he’s walking her to the parking lot. My heart sinks a bit. His back was to me, so he couldn’t see it, but he then extracted himself from her and motioned to me.. and met me in the middle half way.

He explained to me about her. That she was going to stay the night at his place. I offered my spare room.. he said she’d be staying in his spare room.. as it dawned on him how I could be taking it.

I walked back to my car and noticed he was also walking that way.  I asked if they needed a ride to his truck (we’d previously discussed it was at the furthest point from where we are).  He hesitated and then said yes that would be nice.

But just him. He’d drive over to pick her up.

He sits in my car and I drive off. We get to his truck, and I stop. His hand holds mine tightly, fingers entwined, and he looks into my eyes.

I thought maybe he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. He thanked me profusely for showing up, and that he really appreciated it.

I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. It was one of those moments. My heart leapt.

I’m starting to fall for him. Like really fall for him. But I honestly have no idea where we stand. It’s entirely possible we’re just friends.

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