May 012010
Luke & I talked last night. Well he messaged me. I replied.
My anxiety about him wanting to date increased every time I thought of him. I am no where near that yet, not with him, not with anyone. Especially not with him actually.
I keep thinking that I might be, or that I want to be, then I start thinking about all the complications. Seat up, Seat Down, Dish washing methodology, Laundry methodology, How clean to keep the house, How dirty to keep the house, Moving (Luke has already stated I’d have to move to where he is – panic), Giving up things, Compromises… the list goes on.. and I start having trouble breathing or thinking straight. All I want to do is RUN!
But how do you say that to a guy without sounding like a complete lunatic?
I did my best..
L – “Just saying hi. Haven’t heard from ya”
(our last conversation was 48 hours ago, and I started to feel pressured, but I pretended to be ok)
M – “Oh was I supposed to keep in touch? Hi!” 
L – “Well ya if you wanted to… guess you don’t :)”  
(is it just me or did that come off as passive-aggressive? Insert more anxiety for me)
M – “Are you playing games? Testing me?”  
(seriously we just started talking again, and in 48 hours you’re all this??)
L – “Testing you? Not that I’m aware of. Suppose if I did you failed :)”
M – “I’m f’n with ya πŸ™‚ I fail a lot btw mostly intentionally. I’m a rebel like that”
(I cover well don’t I?)
He then goes into blah blah boring stuff (to you all) about his work and asks about my day (more boring stuff), then this..
L – “Was thinking about ya last night”
M – “Uh oh”
L – “Ya.. I’ll not give you the details but it was highly pornographic.. I know you’re less then interested. But I figured I would tell ya”
(Am I making shit up, or is this passive aggressive crapola again? No where did I say I wasn’t interested, just that it was too soon to “date” – my anxiety went all sorts of haywire)
M – “Less than interested? What in the world was I doing?” 
(I can handle filthy talk, just not relationship talk. Please take the hint)
L – “No I meant you less than interested in me being pervy with you”
(again, where in the hell did I say this? Now I’m angry with anxiety. Yay me)
M – “Uh huh I know what you meant. I was ignoring your attempt at putting words in my mouth”
M – “So what did I do?”
L – “Its not what you did exactly… its more of what I was doing to you πŸ™‚ you know you make it hard to flirt with you”
M – “I try πŸ™‚ So what were you doing then?”
He dodges the question nicely by telling me how sexy I was in a corset and that I looked good from all sorts of positions. He refused to give details. Asshole. πŸ™‚
M – “Well that was very anti-climatic :P”
L – “lol not for you it wasn’t.. repeatedly I might say”
(I got a chuckle out of that I must say)
He then mentioned that I was jaded..
M – ” πŸ˜› Yes I’m very jaded :)”
L – “Lol I think you need to let go of the jaded or this may be really hard :)”
(If I could just “get over it” like that I would. I’ve got damage. Sue me.)
M – “I thought hard was your thing”
L – “lol You know what I mean”
M – “Nope, no idea :)”
L – “So is this just you playing hard to get? :)”
(insert panic)
M – “Nope. Not playing anything. Just livin”
L – “Well its certainly hard to tell if you’re interested or not”
(insert freakout and trying to breathe, so I decide to be honest and try to phrase it right)
M – “Maybe that’s cuz I’m not as far along the road as you are. You seem impatient for me to say I’m interested which is making me feel more like retreating than moving forward”
M – “I’m just getting used to talking to you again”
M – “Trying to enjoy that without the “where’s this going” mentality”
(Huge weight off my shoulders, then I panic about him possibly being insulted, then I relax as I remind myself if he gets insulted thats his issue and he can f’off)
L – “Well at least you told me how you feel. Exactly what I needed from you.”
I honestly have no idea what that means, but I think things are fine as his next few messages were about the cutsie things his 2 yr old was doing.  It was a very boring play by play of bathing and playing with dolls which bored even me.
The conversation ended with me telling him to go have fun with his daughter.

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