Feb 092010
Mac and I have been texting. Nothing huge. Nothing in depth. But enough that I am getting to know him better and haven’t found his flaw yet. (yes I am currently liking him enough that I am looking for his flaw to save myself from heartbreak, but thats for another post.)
We’ve also texted long enough that my “Crazy” is coming out.
I do my best not to show it, but when I really start to like a guy, I lose all sense of rational thought.
Dear Men… if I’ve ever pulled a “OMG she’s paranoid and jumping to conclusions” on you.. I’m about two steps from showing up at your door naked begging you to let me be your love slave. (Though that feeling usually lasts until you actually take me up on it.. then for some reason I come to my senses.)
I honestly thought I’d gotten over my marriage and divorce better than I seem to have.
Mentally (and emotionally) I’m in a significantly better place than I think I’ve ever been in my life, but I’m finding that I still need work.
There’s this one huge flaw my ex had that really did a number on me and how I interact with men I want to date. (Men friends never get to experience this, just those I want to date)
My ex was very withholding. I’m not talking just some things… but with pretty much everything. Emotionally. Socially. It didn’t matter.  If something was wrong, he’d be silent until I either needled it out of him, or guessed the problem myself.
Communicating with him was a lot of work on my part, and something I’ll never ever do again. If talking to you and you sharing with me.. isn’t easy and open.. I’m just going to walk. I just don’t have the patience in me anymore.
I hadn’t really noticed just how profoundly this had affected me until this weekend texting Mac.  There were a few instances where he’d get quiet and not reply. I began to panic and analyze. 
I knew it was crazy, but I couldn’t stop my mental programming from going.
Why is he not replying? Did I say something offensive? Am I boring? Is he really just not that interested? Thats it.. he just doesn’t like me… or worse.. I’d jump to.. He hates me now probably.
I’d do my best to cover it up or word something in a way that it wasn’t screaming “Hi, I’m Maruska and I need a straight jacket.”
But he’s smart. He caught on.. and even called me on it. He didn’t seem too upset by it, and joked around.. but we all know that “insecure crazy girl” is a red light.
Sadly, I see this only being the tip of the iceberg. I can totally see myself devolving into “Where are you now?” texts and other stalker desperation.  Wanting to know where he is all the time, who he’s with.. 
I know its crazy. I hear the thoughts go through my head and I know its crazy.  So I try to ignore it.  I remind myself of who Mac is, and that so far things have been easy with him, and I’ve not completely scared him off yet. 
I’m still dating around, and not taking things too seriously.. but I know crazy when I feel it.
Scared and Crazy.
I think I need a Mac-Timeout. Put my head back on straight.  Sadly.. he’s not the only man with the capability right now to push my crazy button, he’s just the one with the most immediate promise.
The thing is that I … well I think I’ve come to the conclusion that my ability to trust a man in a relationship is broken, and I’m afraid the only way to fix it will be with the patience of a good man.  I’m not entirely sure any good man on the planet is that patient.
So how do I fix it?

Leave a Reply