As some of you .. who really read deep into my blog.. have found out, I have dabbled in BDSM. I however avoid the “lifestyle” almost like the plague as those in the main organizations (BDSM teaching schools) freak me the hell out.. mostly because many of them think there’s a “Step by step” instruction on how to do it. (Thats the equivalent of having a step-by-step sex manual and expecting it to work for every man/woman, or for that to yield the type of relationship needed/wanted by each person.)
Imagine that a book somewhere told you that in order to have a proper relationship, you had to let your partner walk ahead of you at all times or you weren’t a proper person. (Seriously??)
Sadly, there are people who like it this way, and innocent people who fall for this. Unfortunately, I am a rebel in all fields and thus only like a very small sect of people in BDSM. This has limited my experiences as I’m more than likely to kill a person (such as the man in the conversation below) than I am to yield into my “role” with the wrong person.
Oh and I usually know right away that they’re the wrong person.. I can just smell the assholes coming. (Dearies, you might as well just throw your damn book out now. It ain’t going to work.)
What follows is a conversation from OkStupid.. from the very start to the finish.. of a Dominant trying to “pick me up”… It didn’t help any that he lives in Colorado (I’m in Austin and distance isn’t my thing especially not with this stuff).
CR: do you appreciate a tactful firm man?
(seriously, wtf? But I know enough to know that he’s most likely a dominant or a BDSM perv so I waited to find out. I was actually hoping that he was talking about his penis.)
CR: lol, you have seen the detriments of the opposite….
CR: the opposite of a firm confident man
ME: why do you say that?
CR: I sense you know what you like…
CR: is that true, or what you need. you seem mature, of course
ME: yes, but what does that have to do with you being a tactful firm man and my possible like or dislike there of?
CR: could be a reciprocal match
ME: I see. And what about my profile says this might be a match to you? (you seem to be beating around some bush which is annoying the crap out of me)
(I knew what bush he was beating around, but wasn’t about to admit it and start the questions. You see there’s this thing they like to do online which is to get the upperhand. I wasn’t playing. You talk to me as a person first, and a sub/sexual partner second if I happen to be interested in you. It seems to be very difficult for many so-called dominants to grasp this concept.)
CR: I am a REAL dominant, is that hard to see…..tactful and sane…but it works very well for intimacy with the right mathc
CR: I like your mature eagerness obviously you have had enough to wet your pallet, and you want more
ME: See I’m having trouble here seeing a connection or that you’re a real dominant. You’re assuming too much unless there’s something I’m missing?
CR: I know a dominant woman with a submissive personality when I see one…..
CR: you don’t think I was born yesterday do you..?
ME: I am a Switch with a big submissive streak. But it takes a LOT and the right person for me to be submissive.
ME: Nope I don’t think you were born yesterday. But assuming you know me is hardly confidence inspiring. A good dominant doesn’t assume.
CR: I teach a D/s class up here in Colorado, and run a group ‘
(Immediate thought: SURE you do. or Yes you do, and I feel very sorry for them.)
CR: I won’t bite on your teases…or tests lol
CR: you are testing me to see, if I’ll anger, and be intimidated by your challenges
ME: LOL LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ME: Actually I’m trying to see if you’ll knock your shit off and act like a regular person.
CR: lifestylers are not regular people? I could refer you to two subs of mine right now
ME: You’ve got my hackles up. They ain’t going down until you stop trying to assert your dominance and treat me as an equal.
CR: ohhh, I completely like companionship…and respect women….that is why I’m effective and responsible Dom
ME: You hang out socially with many women who aren’t in the lifestyle?
CR: yes, all the time….I don’t see women liek that as the sole filter
ME: Then why come on here and treat me as if I am your subject?
CR: oh no, getting your hackles up is fun….if you read back…..I’m casually talking….not subjegating you
ME: You’re asking leading questions with a goal in mind. I know lifestyle speak pretty well. I knew where you were headed.
ME: Instead, be direct and honest about what you’re wanting and why.
CR: I’m not crass…….but a good communicator.
ME: You’d have done better to say “I’m a lifestyle dominant and wondered if you’d be interested in that?”
ME: <– Communications Major
CR: well, I’m not in the business of shocking soccer moms (if I make a wrong assumption…(at least not online) lol
ME: So what? it’s OkStupid. I have questions on my profile that clearly state I’ve experience/interest. It’s not like it’d be out of the blue. Even if it was.. you could simply say “Sorry, I must have misread your profile.”
CR: wold you be bothered if a sub of mine messaged you right now?
CR: well that is it,,,,some people talk a good game, even women
ME: I have no reason to speak with your sub.
ME: I can talk a good game.
CR: she is not with me now….it wasn’t liek that, but no problem…
ME: See now you’re being real.
CR: I practive not pain submission. but mental discipline…exhibitionism…emotional submissive intimacy. pain is a very small component for me, actually
ME: But you have more than one sub?
CR: yes two, none are live in, and yes, they know and have met
ME: And I would be? 3rd string? or 1st sub?
CR: as a switch…I know you at least ponder dominating women…so you have strong alpha potential…….I know you would like that
(This is a HUGE red flag. He assumes my desires or that I’ve thought about it. There is nothing more dangerous than a dominant who thinks he knows it all and assumes things about you.)
ME: OHHHHH HELL NO.. sorry.. Alpha.. yes.. dominating women no.. unless you mean simply telling them to clean the bathroom.
CR: more along the lines, of directing them to clean yes….alpha in that way
ME: ok.. cuz I don’t play well with women and have absolutely no desire to go there.
(Sorry men, I am not into women at all. You go makeout with your father and then we’ll talk.)
CR: htat is beautyf of an alpha. its about authority, not necessarily contact physically, but mental contact, shaping them to your will, does that make sense to you ?
ME: yes.. thats how I .. er.. lead.
CR: so you have lead just men that way before?
ME: These subs.. do you have sexual contact with them?
CR: oh yes
ME: Yes, I have lead many men to their slaughter.. .. oh sorry.. I mean to being better men.
(Ha ha ha .. I crack myself.. I am so not even taking this seriously anymore.)
ME: And you’d expect to continue to have sexual relations with them?
CR: but there are sooo many “lay down” sub men, they are easy for women….women hold the cards over those men totally, women put up more of an intellectual challenge
(Are you f’n kidding me? He’s obviously never had a male sub. Those bastards are manipulative little devils. Oh, as for the next comment.. spineless men irritate me, only thing worse is spineless men pretending to have a spine just to prove they’ve got a spine – with usually illogical stances that change with the wind.)
ME: Yes.. those men make me want to beat them
CR: yes, I can see you as a humiliatrix completely….I was not far off
CR: for being spineless right
CR: dominatrix focusing on humiliation
ME: yes.. I can’t handle spineless men
ME: meh that doesn’t sound good
CR: when you lead them to grovel and beg…do your thoughts of them improve? lol
ME: I’m more of a “teach them to fight back and be men”
ME: Nope. I will only respect them if they start to grow a spine and listen to my guidance.
(You know the term “Mother Hen”.. yep.. combine that with your actual Mom being pissed when you decided to just go ahead and go the party from which she forbid you.)
CR: you like to have them confront their own weakness yes, to see it…like being mentally embarrassed in front of a mirror the emotional equivalent
ME: Meh I suppose you could put it that way
CR: both storng and weak men choose to sub….same with women
CR: being a taller women…and robust….has a lot of authority over men, its amazing…..
CR: you obviously have a sharp commanding tongue
ME: I think I could be 5’2 with the same effect. Submissive men love me. It’s like I have a freaking sign on my forehead.
CR: you are probably right.
CR: a dominatrix locally is very short…she has friends laugh at some of her guys
(different strokes for different folks. I seriously don’t get how that is sexy, but ok.)
CR: are you a task master, or more dismissive of them?
ME: not sure.
CR: actually not opposing things….so my bad
CR: exhibitionism is key to protocol…is that totaly mandatory for you? or are you the gentle approach kind
(Protocol – key word for “the BDSM book of doing things” also can mean the rules set forth by the Dom.. most though mean it as the rules of the “lifestyle” which are set by the society.. and are generally arbitrary BS and someone else’s idea of what BDSM is and should be like.)
ME: I’m really not into exhibitionism
ME: and no idea how that is opposed to the “gentle approach”
each person is different and needs a different approach
CR: within reason, yes
CR: gerally, the sub can tolerate and approach or not, always their choice to continue
ME: you got me totally confused.
CR: dominants who are too gentle or negotiation happy, can be just as awkward a road
CR: i know you are not the negotiation happy kind….lol
ME: ok.. what do you mean by negotiation happy?
CR: not firm enough
CR: subs often push back, particularly at teh beginning
CR: I’m particularly good at dominating tall women….who are used to intimidating men at times
ME: Isn’t it rather counter productive to tell me that you’re good at dominating tall intimidating women?
CR: lol, why?
CR: they crave it more, a form of compensation
(we have already classified me as a tall intimidating woman. He’s thus stating he’d be good at dominating me, and that I crave it more than other women. Dude, you sound stupid.. shut up.)
ME: I don’t do dominants who are intent on dominating. I submit because I want to, because I trust them, because of our connection. I could care less if they’re good at dominating all women.
CR: words in my mouth////????where did I say all women???
CR: I didn’t even say ALL tall women…
CR: calm down…….you sound like a prude skittish teenager
ME: You didn’t.. you just seem to have this “air” that you’re good at dominating women and that I should be impressed by that.
CR: you are assuming I am trying to impress you…I’m certainly trying to connect…..but impress…nah
ME: <– Skittish much wiser adult with a heavy stubborn and self-preservation streak.
CR: nothing wrong with preservation
ME: Connection happens when we bond as people. You stating that you’re good at dominance does nothing but make me watch my back.
ME: It’s like being in a conversation with a police officer about drinking and drugs and he keeps mentioning he’s a great police officer. You end up watching what you say.
CR: I can see that, but contemplate the opposite for a moment, what if I said…I’m not good at it, but want to learn?
(This is a lot like a guy telling you he’s a nice guy. A dominant that says he’s a good dominant most likely isn’t.)
ME: at least that is inviting me to join you in a journey.
CR: I like your “journey” language…I have a friend, who see’s the world throughthat filter a lot…its nice to see
CR: its a natural thing, some men can learn it, but most can’t who dn’t have it
ME: It is a natural thing. But I’m not sensing in you the type of dominant that I bond with.
(I really wanted to tell him that he wasn’t a “natural dominant” but I figured I’d play nice.)
CR: that could be very possible…..I only know what you tell me…..beyond the simple things in your profile
ME: and what you’ve assumed from my profile. 😛
CR: ….and as you have assumed ….touche!
CR: tell me what type of dominant you bond with? good choice of words by the way
ME: Now that would be giving you a guidebook for which to turn me submissive.
CR: you are right, women need different cues, what are some of yours?
ME: I don’t want a dominant who plays a role. I want a dominant who is naturally the way I desire.
CR: so..Maruska…what is the way you desire???
ME: Now we’re back to the guidebook.
ME: Btw, in addition.. your need to have other sexual subs is a turn off for me.
(seriously how many ways do I need to tell him I’m not interested?)
CR: for some yes…I don’t dispute that
CR: haev you ever even allowed yourself to let go and be dominated completely, or generally so?
ME: Close enough for me.. but not completely as you’re probably meaning.
CR: I don’t mean 24/7
ME: I don’t do well with micromanaging.
CR: you like a man to take charge tat the right time,Orrrr, at the right wrong time……..you like to be stripped….you like just naturally feeling that is feels nice to get him a drink…turn on the TVE for him, run a bath…or patiently wait naked for his entry
ME: Gunna say no on all that.
CR: you just revel in saying no
ME: Not service oriented or at least not by command.
ME: I don’t revel in doing things he could damn well do himself with the remote.
CR: then are you a masochist…real subs, take risks,…you are not telling me anything, just sitting back and judging
ME: Who am I judging?
CR: are we playing a romper room guessing game….or can you speak plainly about your needs and experiences?
ME: Plainly.. I don’t submit at all in any way until I fully trust a person. I don’t even remotely get servant-like unless I’m head over heels. I require equality of personage and my Dominant to respect me enough to not waste my value on turning on the TV just because he can command me.
CR: being demure can be feminine,not necesarily submissive….
ME: Thus I am not looking for the “lifestyle”
ME: Because I keep meeting people like you who pretend they get people like me.. when they don’t.
CR: no, you are looking to emasculinate apparently
ME: wtf? how so?
CR: you don’twant to be understood, ? you don’t want to help people understand you? whta I know now, is that you get very angry thinking of doing something nice…and courteous like grabbing the remote
CR: try not to hate men so much, and you’ll be better offf
ME: lol Its not about doing it.. it’s about you seeming to suggest that I should do it when I sub.
ME: It’s about your expectations and mine.
CR: you pick something innocuos…..so tell me what domination act.. you have responded to in the past…..are you able to do that?
ME: 1. I’ve already told you as nicely as I could that I dont think there’s a point to us. 2. I’ve also mentioned that I’m not up for your lifestyle of having other sexual subs.
CR: why are you uncomfortable with your ass being bigger than the other’s subs?
ME: 3. I’ve worn clothes I was supposed to, been places I was supposed to, not worn things I was supposed to, fixed dinners, laundry, etc.
CR: and ”
ME: and what?
CR: and “he” walked you ahead of him, yes/ often?
CR: he wasn’t dom enough to have you on display?
ME: You do know that there are no “rules” as far as BDSM it’s what works for that couple/family
ME: What you find appealing isn’t what everyone else finds appealing.
CR: well fixing dinner is very intimate
ME: Had I had to march in front of him I would have broken things off.
(If he expected me to march ahead of him so he could display his “catch” to everyone, I would seriously do a guy damage. I am not a trophy he’s won. He’s lucky if I choose him. Maybe he should walk behind me with a sign that says “She lets me follow her.”)
CR: I’d eat your cooking
CR: large hips are gorgeous, you need to know that
ME: I’d slip you arsenic.
CR: some jiggle is highly preferable lol
ME: Thanks.. hope you find what you’re looking for. I am not it.
I was actually quite surprised he let it go there. Evidently I spelled it out right that time or he just got tired of trying to convince me that he was an awesome dominant.
On another note.. slightly related note.. I was this last week trying to figure out why in the freaking world I am soooooo addicted to Mr. Non-Tech. It’s because he’s a natural dominant. It’s just his personality to take charge and he does it in a way that seems to take me into consideration. It’s so hot. Unfortunately, I think things are slowing down with us and I’ve been moved into complete “friend” territory. We’ll see.. we’ll see.