Aug 102010
 

It’s been 1 year and roughly 9 months since I’ve been a “we”, and yet I keep finding myself saying “Oh yes we used to..” when referring to things that would happen when I was married.  Its like that time period is sentenced to the “we” vocabulary.

In all honesty, it seems kinda weird and a little bit insulting to my ex, for me to refer to things like “our house” as “my house” during that time period. Same goes for pest problems.. in conversations where people are talking about their pest problems and wanting to know a local company that does good work.. I often just automatically say “Well we used to have problems with them until we used…”  Because it was a “we” problem and not just a me problem. It never was my house, it was always our house.

Funny thing though is this isn’t just a problem with my ex.. I’ve had this problem with other people I’ve lived with.. including former ex’s, roomates, and even my best friend.

I’d be out on a date and the guy would ask me about something referring to my past or past apartments or something.. and I’d automatically say “Oh yeah, we…”

In which he’d instantenously get that flash across his face of “Wait.. is she single? Who is this we?”

Which would then start a discussion of who is that “we”.. and depending on the memory triggered.. one “we” could be a completely different pair than any other “we” I said.

I suppose I could clarify things by saying “My old roomate and I” or “My ex and I” or “My ex Jason and I” or “My ex Bill and I”.. but that might actually be worse as depending on the number of old memories triggered, I might end the night with a list of ex’s and old roomates as long as my arm. I can’t imagine that would be good.

I really should work on this “we” thing I suppose… but it just seems wrong… like I’m cutting out parts of pictures in my mind.. editing memories.. faking history.

Or I suppose I could just try to keep my damn mouth shut and not tell any stories that start with “We”… but .. knowing me, thats pretty much damn impossible.

Aug 022010
 

Well this weekend was quite the WTF weekend.

For starters, Friday night I went out with some friends. One of which, Getty is completely obsessed with strip clubs, and now is obsessed with being someone’s Fag Hag. She also just got a 666 tatoo, so we’re all a little WTF worried about her.

I honestly think she’s gay, she’s just not done anything or much of anything yet.

So to get out of going with her to the gay club.. I’ve never been to one, and the one she wanted to go to.. I could just tell that it wasn’t going to be my kind of place at all.  I called a friend to see what they were doing, and invited them to come with us.

They were drunk and stuck at a closing restaurant.. so they hopped at the idea and I became the DD. They agreed to be buffers at the Gay Lounge.

The Gay Lounge was.. on a Friday night at 9pm.. rather bare… er empty. Those that were there were the older gay men upper 40’s and higher. The bar itself looked like something you’d catch disease in. It was decorated in what I’d call “Gay Hick” as it resembled more of the country biker dive bars than it did anything remotely gay, though it did have twinkle lights, so I guess thats something. The only way I knew it was close to gay was the dress code. Men were dressed country, but in such a manner that would have caused any true hetero country man to get his ass beat.  It was a little bit like lumberjack or the marlboro man meets Prince. (If you’re thinking WTF, so was I)

I wanted to flee the moment we walked into the bar, but to be polite to Getty, we stayed for a drink. I drank it fast. And we decided to move onto somewhere else. Getty stayed.

Anyway, the remaining 3 of us… Rick, Roma, and I.. all go barhopping. We stop first at a bar that I hate. Roma wants to say happy birthday to a friend of hers. Neither of them had been to that bar before so they only had my word on how lame it was. I don’t think they believed me.

We drive up, and they exclaim. “Holy crap, you weren’t joking. Do they hand out douchebag badges here?” “Is it buy one douchebag get one free night?”

We park anyway and go in. Roma goes to say Hi to her friend, and I follow her.  It is then that my path is blocked by a drunk guy who has his back to me but keeps moving to block my way.. I assume unintentionally… but nevertheless he bumps into me repeatedly.

He then turns to look at me, “Oh wow, sorry but your boobs are so big its hard not to bump into you. I like it!”

He then proceeds to try to pick me up. Ewww. WTF?

Rick & Roma spend the entire time we’re there, cracking jokes at the expense of the douchebags and hoochiemamas that populate the place. Its too hilarious. Especially since both of them are never ones to say a bad word about anyone.

We head to the next place.

In which somehow we end up discussing the movie “Secretary” which is one of my all time favorite movies. It’s SOOOOOOOOO hot.  (seriously, watch it with me and you’ll get laid.. well if you’re a guy and I find you even remotely attractive.)

I honestly do have quite a few friends who are into BDSM type things, and for those that know me well (or at least read in depth on here)… you know I border on it too.  I dabble at best. It requires a LOT of trust.. which I find nearly impossible to obtain that level of trust needed in someone else. Maybe someday.

Anyway, Rick, Roma and I discuss it. We discuss the people in it.. people we know.. people we’ve met. Roma is all sorts of uncomfortable and blushing. Rick and I quickly see that she’s an innocent. Rick also quickly sees that I am not. Oops outted myself.

One of these days I’m going to be able to watch my tongue. Luckily neither of these people care what I do, as long as I’m safe and safe about it… which is not something most people ever worry about with me.

We headed home. Woke up Saturday morning with my throat swollen and sore. Luckily I was breathing fine, but my ears & throat were on fire, my body ached, and movement of any kind left me dizzy. I was also a little nauseated. Not a normal thing, but pretty sure it was an allergic reaction to something. I’m blaming the Ace Pear Cider, but I don’t know. (again, WTF?)

So I spend all day in bed and on Twitter and other things I can do laying in bed not moving. Ended up taking a good 5 hour nap, on top of the 9 hours sleep I had. My head hurt, but I could type.

So on twitter, I flirt with some English dude. He’s pretty hot for an English dude, and I tell him that. I ask if he’s single. He is.

He offers to come visit Austin for a week. Once clarified that I’d only be obligated to meet him for drinks or lunch or something once… and not entertain him for the entire week.. I agree, but found it creepy and weird. WTF?

Turns out I find the one attractive dude in England who is single, and has friends in Austin that he’s not seen in a while.

He’s booking his trip.

Aug 012010
 

Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn’t think I was that stressed out, but I guess you can have a ton of stress and mentally block it out.

I met with lawyer for my business stuff, because I wanted to make sure I had everything filed that I needed filed… legally. I didn’t want to wake up in few months or a year to find there’s some kind of whatever I didn’t file, and now I’m looking at jail-time or owe the government $5,000 or something in fees. Turns out, I’m good. Phew.

Immediately after that, I got a message that relieved the rest of the stress. This honestly was the much bigger stressor, but combined the two were extremely massive.

But let me start near the beginning.

A few months ago, I ran into and found interesting a guy on Twitter. He seemed smart. He was opinionated (after my ex, opinionated sounds pretty good, it may not be in the long run, but its something new) and had a bit of something “je ne sais quoi” so to speak.

Then he blocked me. WTF? right? I can’t remember the details but I ended up winning myself back into the good graces, and we started a Twitter friendship. We’d chat, and harmlessly flirt.. as he’s going through a divorce, something I can relate.

Then a few weeks ago (maybe longer).. things started to change. He began to flirt a little more seriously with me. He’s not that far away from me, so meeting isn’t an impossibility or at least not a huge deal.

Then about a week or so ago, he jokingly mentioned that he could use a 4 day never-leave-the-bedroom sex romp. I jokingly offered my services. We teased and flirted about it.  Then one thing lead to another and he asked if I’d like to meet.

He offered to come down to Austin. Get a hotel room for a couple nights, and we’d meet and go out. It seemed overkill for a first meeting, as one night in a hotel would probably be sufficient as no one ever really turns out to be exactly like you think they are online. Sometimes they’re better, but often they are not. But it seemed harmless to meet him if he came down, so I agreed.

He was adamant that he was ok with not seeing my picture beforehand, and that he didn’t need to know anything else about me. Insisting that everything he needed to know for him to meet me, he already knew from my blog. He didn’t care about looks at all. It was sweet in a kinda creepy way.

He told me how well he knew me, and expressed several theories of who I am and what I’m like, and what I need. Most of which were wrong, as the picture he painted of me was of a sweet little innocent girl.. and that is hardly me. I tried to set him straight, but everything I said, he seemed to twist to fit his idea of who I am, rather than adjust his idea to fit the real me.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 1)

This got me scared. Been there done that before.. I started to remember experiences of my past where I’d met men like this. It did not go very well, as these guys were borderline stalkers. I hoped I was wrong, and that he was just excited to meet me. I decided to limit my contacting him, but respond if he contacted me.

He then suggested that he say 3 nights in town, not just two. Maybe he’d take a day off of work for me. Sight Unseen for our first visit.

He had talked previously about being poor and that money was tight, and now he was getting hotel rooms and taking time off of work.. for me?

Should I mention that he’s not seen a picture of me? I know very little about him at this point? This was our second phone conversation… or around there?

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 3)

He told me he wasn’t just out for a sex romp.. which is relaxing because we’d not met yet… but he insisted that I was a romantic. He told me a lot of things about myself, and said pushed a lot of buttons that said he was out for a relationship…

And he implied… if not outright said.. that I wanted a relationship too, and that I’d want a relationship with him.. despite my emotional/psychological aversion to the the very idea of it.

He talked with me about sex, and told me that when he has sex it means he’s in a relationship, and not an open one. If I have sex with him, we’re locked in a relationship.. I can’t still be dating around. Sex = Commitment.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 5)

I made mental notes.

“DO NOT have sex with him. Period. No matter how fabulous he may seem. If you do, leave your ID in your car, so he can’t find your address and stalk you later.”

In honesty, sex was way off the table. WAY OFF the table. Gone. Which was pretty funny considering that sex was what prompted this whole thing anyway.

He got put in the friend zone with a temporary friend tag. If we hit it off when we met, that tag could be removed, but for now thats where he was safest since sex was off the table.

He then talked about taking me for a winery tour.. a romantic jaunt in Austin.. then getting us individual hotel rooms in a town nearby the wineries.. (for Austin, this is a romantic weekend getaway, and not something you can “flee” easily from should it go bad.)

He talked about romantic sunsets, and settings. He spoke in lovey dovey terms.

He’s still not seen me yet, and insists he doesn’t need to see any pictures. He’s certain that he’ll like me as I am… almost as if he’d love me no matter what. Its a sweet idea, but in reality that doesn’t happen. He still insisted.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 7)

I now start limiting my availability to him. Not replying right away. Sometimes not replying at all. Each communication is making more uncomfortable, and I wait for him to calm down and settle back into reality.. where he was a few months ago.

I also set up a NiteFlirt account (see the call me button) so I never have to give out my number again to anyone un-vetted. CYA – Just in Case – Safety First

He starts telling me just how long he’s been following me and how he’s not been able to get me off his mind for months. That I’m this vixen that’s been taunting him. He makes up pet names for me.

He’s full of flowery speech and talks very romantically. Almost lovey dovey.

Anytime I balk at what he says, or show that he’s moving too fast.. he backs away and reassures me.. then comes back the next day or a couple hours later.. full boar.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 9)

I am now nearly breaking out into hives every time I see him message me. I’m still thinking I’ll meet him if he shows up in Austin, but plan to arrange a public meeting and probably bring a few friends for safety.  I mean if he’s driving 4 hours.. and I’d already promised.. its only fair… plus he used to be a nice sensible guy.. so maybe there can a friendship in it once his romantic feelings are washed out of it.

Honestly from the get-go, I found myself trying to convince him NOT to date me. He’d just triggered that “caution” button from the start of his pursuit and I wanted to bring him back to some kind of rationality. But nothing I said phased him at all. There was no emotional mace no matter how much I tried.

Then Friday, he posted on twitter about meeting me in a few weeks. On top of everything else, I interpreted it as being “tagged”.. or claimed. I did not read it as the words that it was, but as if he wrote..

“Hey everyone I am going to date Maruska. She’s mine. Hands off.”

I hit the ceiling.

I decided to try one more time to get him back to some kind of rational thought, and scolded him for his behavior.. quite honestly telling him that he was legitimately scaring the crap out of me, and he needed to knock it off. I threatened to block him, and I was serious.

I was sad that this all went down like this. I used to like him, and from the pictures I’ve seen of him, he’s quite an attractive guy.

Once he grasped the gravity of the situation, and that I was serious.. he replied obviously hurt. His regret for doing anything to upset me or make me uncomfortable was genuine and heartfelt.

I’d gotten what I wanted. He was done with flowery love notes. He was done with flowery love talk. But he was hurt.. and that wasn’t what I wanted.. which is why it’d taken me so long to be so brutal in my communications.. I just felt that I had no other options, as he’d not really been listening or hearing me in my other ways of addressing the issue.

So I called him. We talked a little bit. He apologized profusely, and for once .. for the first time since we’d started this thing, he was being honest, rational, and himself.  For the first time, we’re both just being ourselves, and he was being real with me. He was listening. I relax, and start to like him again. I start remembering why I liked him at the start. I’m no longer afraid. (Though if he switches back to lovey dovey psycho, I’ll be back at level 8 instantly.)

Summary: What went wrong? He was overly excited, and projected his excitement onto me. He moved onto his dream of this relationship, dragging me along, and wasn’t allowing me to find it for myself. I didn’t have time to catch up to him. For every step forward I took, he took 3.  I’m kicking and screaming to be allowed to stay at step 1.. and he’s already dragging me to step 6. So I then started misinterpreting things he said. Not understanding when he was joking and when he wasn’t. Communication Failure.

There’s a time for flowery love talk.. for sweet gestures.. and romantic thoughts.. but if the object of your affection isn’t on that page with you yet.. it can go horribly wrong fast.

If you really want someone to fall in love with you.. you have to give them time to move at their own pace. Relax, and just enjoy. Don’t try so hard.

I’m actually now looking forward to meeting this hunk of man. I’m just hoping it stays that way. 🙂

Jul 292010
 

(umm I like forgot to post this)

I may or may not look like a bright red cherry right now.

Thus is the sign of a good 4th of July. Isn’t it?

I’m actually sitting here naked (save for my panties) because clothes kinda hurt and I’m hot. — My dog also thinks its hot, so it might not be just cuz I’m burnt. —

I’ve been working too much this last week, and too much networking, and too much of everything busy but not necessarily relaxing.. I left today pretty open to doing just that.

I could have driven down to BFE South Austin to celebrate a friend’s birthday. A friend that I’ve seen and talked to once in the last year. His friends are the psychotic Meg (who was rumored to be attending) and various other women of which I find clicky and annoying. So while it would have been good to see my friend, the event would most likely be boring at best or pushing me toward homicide at worst.

Then there was this free gathering at my apartment complex promising free food and fun at the pool side.

The pool side is actually closer to me than my car. So you can guess to which one I went.

Me and a bunch of girls – VS – the unknown in my backyard.

As most of you know by now, I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to meeting new people in strange places. Especially people who I have to be at least on decent behavior with.. aka make a decent first impression. But I went anyway, crossing my fingers that the organizers were outgoing people who knew how to work a party.

So I go. I walk in and I can’t tell who lives here and who is organizing, but there’s this one girl and her friend that wave me down.

“Hi I’m Sarah, this is Jen” Sarah was a dainty friendly girl, but as it turned out did not live in my complex. Jen however did.

Jen was nice and pointed out that she was the organizer. Her and her husband who she briefly pointed out, but did not introduce me to. She also pointed out some girls sunbathing saying they were friends of hers.

Introductions to anyone else was not forthcoming. Obviously I was supposed to only talk to the girls, and no real effort to even introduce me to them. Yay me.

Sarah made an excuse and left the party, and I made an excuse to go get my towel from my apartment, and left. Went home, grabbed some good food, and then went back.

The party was still well underway, but still the same people. I tried to sunbathe but felt weird. Then I saw that some new people had entered, and so I went to go join the conversation. I stood on the outskirts of the conversation waiting for a way to get a word in or introduce myself… also waiting for the introduction. There was none, and the organizer barely acknowledged that I’d returned.

These people are not good at hosting.

So since there was still about 6 men at the party, I decided to stay a little bit and sat near the entrance and watched them rough house with the few kids that were there. It was kinda cute actually. Ok maybe it was kinda hot.. watching these sexy men play with little kids. (ok that sounds all sorts of wrong.. but nothing more adorable than a sexy guy being fatherly)

That was when one of them noticed me. He was very good looking. Very nice, and very social. He should have been the host.

As it was, he told me the story of nearly everyone there. Which girl belonged with which guy. If they were married, and who their kids were. (this is how you host.. idiots!)

He belonged to no one there, and acted single… aka was flirting with me. He introduced me to the people he knew. Evidently they were all part of a band. He was the drummer.

At first I was thinking… OH no.. enduring drumming practice sessions .. ugh.. but then I thought. HEY.. that means he’s got rhythm. *big evil grin*

He made sure he knew my name, and made sure to pronounce it properly.. asking me several times exactly how I pronounce it.

Mah-ROOOS-Kah…

He’d repeat it. “Maruska. So its not “Meriska”?”

Honestly, so many people over the years have f’d up my name that I honestly don’t care. (My best friend cares btw, and she will correct you.) If its got a “M” and a “KA” in it, I’ll answer.

“Its Maruska, but thats fine.. I answer to it all.” I try to joke, but he looks at me serious.

“I want to get it right. Maruska?”

“Yes thats correct.” I smile.

We end up talking a long time. Just the two of us with no one else.

As I left the party, he repeated my email address to me. He’d done this several times throughout our conversation.

He added me to his Facebook a few days later.

Jul 222010
 

Last night, I went to a networking gathering. Ok it was a seminar with networking attached to it.. or networking with a seminar attached.. whatever. The point is that I went out where people were, and ran into.. Hock.

For those of you who don’t know the Hock story, I do recommend seeking the archives from end of April to mid-May. For those that do remember the idiot that thought a one-night stand allowed him to treat me like an all-hours on-call secret sex shop…

This is the first I’ve seen Hock since the hockey game, and honestly I have no idea why I thought he was attractive.

He looked bad. I wasn’t all that lovely myself.. I didnt’ really do my hair and my makeup was less than perfection, but boy howdy did he look bad.

His hair looked thin at the top. He was clearly unshaven. He looked disheveled and sloppy. He also looked like he’d put on a good 20 lbs in all the wrong places.

Add to that.. that he didn’t even bother to acknowledge my presence or that he knew me. (probably a good thing) And he walked around with his normal arrogant ways of being, though avoiding me with great effort. (Seriously, I was standing next to a girl that’s his friend, and he didn’t go over to stay hi to her until I left her side.. which was about 45 minutes or so later, and only ventured over cautiously once just to say goodbye, because I was still within 5 feet of her.)

I think he’s scared of me. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! Asshole.

I did however spend most of the night talking with some great people, and getting some really great connections (personal and professional).  At one point, I found myself surrounded by sexy geeky men doing geek talk. They were talking about physics theories and facts and whatnot that was a little over my head.. but damn thats sexy.

One of them was married. The hottest one of course. He flirts with me, but I honestly can’t tell if its just innocent married male flirting or if he’s toying with the idea of a girl on the side. (Sadly, he’s hot enough that I would be tempted. I know that makes me evil.. But when someone like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackman walks up to you and attempts to seduce you.. do you really care that much if they’re married? Ok.. fine.. yes yes we do.. damn it.)

There were two other geeky guys there that I think are single. I didn’t ask. One is a very sexy younger geeky boy-man. He said maybe two words. Both of which I think were his name. He might be 25 if he’s lucky. The other was older, maybe 40+? and very geeky and much less sexy.. I didn’t talk to him much.. so that could change, I mean if he really can talk geek fluently I might could overlook the skeletal frame he has, which honestly was his only real issue.

If I feel like the chances of breaking you is pretty great just by having sex.. it severely lessens my attraction to you. Severely.

It’s also a bad sign.. if I feel the need to feed you.

Jul 162010
 
Death Valley or Vegas? Hmmm

Death Valley or Vegas? Hmmm

I got in a conversation yesterday on Twitter about men chasing women.

Now when I think of chasing, I think of CHASING.. He’s after HER. Meaning that he is putting in a whole ton of effort to get HER. Not someone like her, not just someone around him, but her in particular. He’s set his sights and made his decision.

This is not the same as Chasing Tail, which any man will do whenever there is tail to be had (unless he’s already committed to a particular tail, has religious or ethical reasons to abstain, or has tail of his own already). Chasing Tail is simply that. The purpose is soley to get tail.

This conversation began as a chasing women conversation, then ended as a “Why aren’t men chasing me?” question.

The woman put out self-descriptive words like “quality”, “drama free”, “Worth it”, “deserve”, “good heart”. I’m not even going to go into the multiple tweets she went into with her statements & questions. Using at least 4 tweets to state her point. She obviously was fired up and unable to contain herself to the medium’s constrictions.

Her frustration was palpable, and my stress on the other end of it was nearly tangible.

That kind of frustration… no matter how well you hide it.. is like a perfume that surrounds you. Only its more like “Eww De Angry” than “Eau De Lovely”.

And yes I get that she was talking to me.. a girl.. and not to some guy somewhere that she was trying to charm.

But I got that “Eww De Angry” scent from her first tweet to me. Men pick up on this shit. Seriously. They have extremely hightened senses of “Angry Woman” and once they sniff it, they just start running.

You can’t blame men for not wanting you. You can’t be angry for being alone. It doesn’t do you any good. It solves nothing. And men are no more to blame for you being alone than you are to blame for not dating the homeless man on the corner.

The problem for most of us women is that we like to shoot ourselves in the foot. We either go for people we know darn good and well aren’t going to work, thus proving to ourselves that relationships don’t work or that we suck at relationships, or that we deserve less than we do.  Or we set our standards so high there isn’t a possiblity of any real man ever being able to measure up.

Trust me, I’m guilty of all three.. oh wait that was only 2. yeah I’m guilty of two… [insert whistling]… Yep only two. We also like to nag the crap out the poor unfortunate guy we do choose until he leaves us.

We often choose self-fullfilling prophesies rather than accept the realities. In this, we also think we can change men.. you can affect his happiness, you cannot change the man. The man changes himself.. or not.  Also you end up changing yourself.  It’s like fitting a square peg in a round hole. We try and try and try, but it never fits.  We often instead of embracing that square peg for what it is, we insist that it fit the round hole we built. Sorry, but that doesn’t work. Been there, done that, I’ve got the burns to prove it.

Men.. choose women who let them be who they are, and love them for it. That said, men choose women who they percieve let them be who they think they are, and love them despite the faults that the men think they have. Men are insecure little creatures too. Some men perceive themselves to be super heros and want a woman who lets them be that way. Some men perceive themselves to be shit on the shoe of women, and choose women who help them feel that way. Most men are more moderated than that in which they need a touch of being her hero, and a touch of being the shit on her shoe… 100% adoration all the time gets old fast, as does 100% distain.

In reality, we all want someone who helps sharpen us a person, and loves us as we are. We just might not always percieve ourselves in our true light, and its hard to find someone who really sees the real us… and still loves us.

But back to the red flags:

“I’m quality” “I’m worth it” “I deserve” – Any time I hear anyone say these, I tune out. Really I do. They’re unsubstantiated ego-puffer words. They only puff the ego of the person saying it. To every one else, it comes out as arrogant or hiding insecurity. Neither are attractive.  They also trigger the opposites.. if you are quality that also means you think others aren’t. If you’re worth it, that also means you think others aren’t. It’s pretty judgy, and people reading it will auto-pilot to judging themselves and think you are judging them too.

“Drama free” – If you have to say it, you’re not. Just be who you are. Everyone has a little drama in them. So please.. everyone.. just stop saying this. Sure sure we all know the drama queens, but no one is completely drama-free… and usually those that claim to be, are drama enablers who live on others drama. To openly claim drama-free, means you have drama on the mind. You’re sick of it, because you’re around it. I will run from you like the wind.

“I have a good heart” – This is a lot like the “nice guy” claims. Just makes me cringe inside. If you really have a good heart, people will see it.  I mean, I’ve got a good heart, but I also secretly plot evil things in my head. I might be the girl that will help you carry your grocery bags to your apartment, but I’m also plotting how to make your favorite shirt (that I hate) disappear. We all have good hearts (well unless you’re a sociopath or something), instead just do things that prove it. Don’t tell us, do it.

But most of all, relax, have fun, and just be yourself. Don’t care if they like you, just be who you are. If you are truly worth it to them, they’ll bite. If you’re not, they won’t. You only really want someone who wants you anyway. So only worry about the ones that bite. The rest don’t matter.

(and if no one.. absolutely no one is biting.. the problem is you.. you’re either not seeing the bites, looking for bites in the wrong places, or you’ve got some other issue that needs fixing.)