Nov 122019
 
hugs

I honestly have so much to update. It’s been a long long time since I’ve last posted anything. I was reading through old posts and realized how much I’d already forgotten about.  I’m not even sure where to start.. but I wanted to update about Brian. I last wrote about Brian back in October of 2017, and I wrote about meeting him on June 24, 2017. 

Shortly after my last post, I lost my patience with the lack of progress with Brian.. we’d slowly stopped holding hands.. he stopped wanting to kiss me. But he was still telling me exactly when I’d see him out again, what his plans were, where he was going.. never inviting me, but I always knew where he was.  When he was out, he was with me the entire time or if he left my presence he would tell me why and where he was going, and the he’d be right back. And each night, he’d wait for me at the exit of the bar and walk me to my car where we’d talk for at least an hour sometimes two. 

But he never asked me out. So I lost my patience. I made him “shit or get off the pot” so to speak. He told me he needed to think about it. 

He thought about it, and decided to have the discussion one of the nights that I was roofied.  So I don’t remember it. When I called him the next day to figure out if I’d come home alone (aka if he’d walked me to my car as normal), he told me we’d discussed it and decided to just be friends. He refused to elaborate.  I don’t remember now which day it was but had to be back in Nov 2017-Feb 2018?

And things were just platonic, even though he kept doing the same behaviors. He didn’t cockblock me (that I caught on to anyway) and would give me space if he thought I was talking to someone I was interested in. 

He told me all about the girls he was crushing on. 

But he was still there with me at the bar the entire time, coming with me to talk to my friends and introduce me to his. He’d still wait outside the bar for me, walk me to my car, and talk for hours. 

The only thing that changed was that I didn’t expect anything but friendship and I dated openly in front of him. Many times introducing him to people I was dating or having sex with.  He never flinched or showed any signs of jealousy.. well until Spring 2019.. but we’ll get there. 

Winter 2019:

I don’t remember exactly what date it happened.. but we were all hanging out (me, him, and his good friend Jim) and talking. He and Jim got up for something.. I can’t remember what, but he came back to the table nearly immediately after leaving it, and handed me his phone.. opened to a Wikipedia article about his fetish. 

It was completely off topic from anything we’d talked about that night. Unfortunately, the bar was loud. And I can’t really read or process what I read while music is on. I need silence. Plus my brain was going 500 miles per hour trying to figure out why I needed to know about his fetish.  

He came back and wanted to know what I thought about it. I barely read it, and I was just about overwhelmed to the point of a panic attack with the reading and sudden out of the blue question.. that I stumbled through a .. Umm.. ok. (It’s a really benign fetish btw, and relatively normal.. even though he doesn’t think so). 

But that planted the seed of seeing him as a sexual being again. I really tried to fight it, and managed to push it down for a good 6 months or so.. but I get ahead of myself. 

Feb 2019:  I meet Devon. He’s an adorable man with just enough issues that I felt drawn to him. Moth to Flame. 🙂 As I do. He only wanted to be FWB. And we got pretty close as friends, until I started to get needy and he pulled away. 

About two weeks after meeting Devon, I showed up at the bar and hung out with Brian and Jim for a few minutes before I exited to go back to Devon’s. I was breaking Brian & my traditional hangout to do so, but Devon was suicidal so I felt I had to. That was the first time I saw something bordering on jealousy on Brian’s face. I reminded myself that Brian just wanted to be friends. 

A couple weeks later, Jim invited me to go camping with him and Brian at a Renfaire. Brian looked hesitant.. like he wasn’t sure he wanted me to come.. but Jim insisted.  At this time, I had a little crush on Jim. Jim is hella cute and adorable in a non-neuro-typical kind of way. He’s constantly full of anxiety and very much likes rigidity, rules, plans, and keeping to them.  So I agreed to go camping even though I knew I was going to hate it.. because empty tents, drinking, and cute men sounded pretty fun.. plus getting to spend more time with Jim? Yes please. 

Devon started pulling away about a week after that. We still got together a few times, but Brian’s stability had spoiled me and I noticed how much Devon would just disappear any time I showed signs of needing any kind of comfort or need to chat.  I was there for him.. but I noticed he was never there for me.  That helped me walk away.. but it wasn’t easy.  (I have issues. Shutup)

I had come to the realization that Devon wasn’t ever going to be there for me. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to, or if he just couldn’t emotionally be there and support anyone else.. but I was going through some stuff with healing from my abusive ex and stuff that happened as a kid.. that the platonic cuddle time with Devon was really helping to heal. 

Anyway, I’d come to the realization that I really needed cuddle time to ease my anxiety as well as realize that I wasn’t going to be able to rely on Devon for it. .. the weekend BEFORE the Renfaire camping weekend. 

So I was a mess before I even got to the Renfaire. Plus it was somewhere new. I didn’t know where I was going. I got there in a bundle of anxiety and nerves.. which thankfully Brian understands and manages me well. 

I didn’t know it, but Jim wasn’t going to be around that night. He would be there the next night, but the first night camping was just me and Brian. 

At the Renfaire:

Brian helped me set up my tent, and we made supper together. We function well together in a comfortable “old married couple” way.  I know that sounds super unsexy.. but I love the way we are together. The whole time I thought to myself.. “I really wish he was into me, because this would be perfect.”

His way of being considerate and helpful.. it’s everything I was missing with my ex. He doesn’t whine or complain or act inconvenienced (and if he feels it, he will state so in such a way that isn’t manipulative or offensive, but setting boundaries). 

After supper, he insisted that he show me around the camp and try to find a party. He stuffed his pockets full of beer, and I filled a thermos full of vodka… and we walked. And walked. And walked. 

I finished one thermos and made him walk me back to camp for a refill. 

I should not be allowed to drink outside of a bar. Every time I do something like this I get SUPER ASSED DRUNK. Which I did. 

And with the anxiety of the new place, some unresolved issues with camping that I was previously unaware of (seriously I need to see a therapist for it), and the lack of cuddling from Devon.. and needing to get Devon off my mind.. 

I have very fuzzy memories of having had a drunken breakdown and begging Brian to share my tent and cuddle me. Which he somehow agreed to do. 

We’d not done anything more than the brief friend hug in years.. all his choice btw… 

But he laid next to me, and held me. I remember holding him close all night, and holding hands.. I remember I didn’t even need to seek out his hand.. just briefly brush mine near his, and he’d open his hand to grab mine.. fingers intertwined. 

I really wanted to do more.. but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Brian isn’t the casual sex kind of guy. He’s really only had a couple partners, and since my understanding was that he wasn’t really interested.. I did my best to keep my emotions in check.  It’s probably one of the most cherished memories I have. 

But I wigged out when I sobered up the next morning. I was terrified that I’d screwed up our friendship.. and I freaked out on him.. apologizing for manipulating him into my bed.. 

I know I hurt him with my freakout.. but I couldn’t stop myself. I was also mortified because I had a crush on Jim and Brian being in my bed was surely going to fuck that one up for good. 

Brian, Jim, and I had a really great day despite how it started.. and they both made me feel like one of the group and important. It’d been a long assed time since I’d had that.. I’m not sure I really ever had that before. They both were SOOOO considerate. 

After Faire, we went back to camp. Changed into real clothes and went looking for parties like we did the night before. Only this time, Brian was less attentive to me and seemed on the prowl. Jim was tired and went back to camp early to sleep. I never really got a chance to just hang with him that night like I’d wanted. And watching Brian try to pick up girls.. was not something I could really “join in” on. 

So I went back to camp to sleep. Turns out.. me alone in a tent is some kind of trigger for me. FOMO is super real as well as being terrified irrationally. I almost had another break down like the night before. 

Brian that night.. got drunk.. and had a one night stand. I’d never really seen him with another woman nor had he ever had sex with anyone the entire time I knew him. The shock nearly devastated me, but reinforced that he wasn’t interested in me. 

Jim was the one that told me about it. Unfortunately, my poker face isn’t what it should be.. and Jim saw the flash of hurt on my face.  He waited around for me to get ready, even though I know it wasn’t easy for him.. he likes to be at the Faire at an exact time and I was going to make him late.  But he waited. 

Jim and I spent the morning together. Talked. Joked around. Laughed. And I could tell he was doing his best to make certain I had fun. I loved him for that. Plus I still had that crush on him. 

Brian joined us just after we’d finished lunch. He looked like he’d been run over with a truck, and he wanted to talk to me about his encounter the night before.. but I couldn’t let him talk.. I didn’t want to hear about his sexy night with a woman that wasn’t me. I started to imagine that that’s why he didn’t want me to come.. because he liked having flings at Faires and didn’t want me to find out.  

(He doesn’t do casual ever, I found out later. This was a one-off. And the reason he wanted to talk to me was that it wasn’t entirely consensual – her forcing him not the other way around – and since he’s had such little one night stand experience.. he wasn’t sure how to process it. Jim is not someone you can talk to about these things.. so he wanted to talk to me, but I was so wrapped up in my own hurt about it that I couldn’t listen… I mean.. I’d been fully willing to be FWB with him for about 2 years, and he didn’t want to fuck me.. but some stranger? Sure. I just couldn’t listen. I listened about a week later once I’d calmed down, and then I felt like shit for being a shitty friend.)

After that, I started messaging Jim more. Invited him out a couple times, in which he insisted Brian join us (I found out later). 

Jim’s Birthday:

Then there was Jim’s birthday party, which Jim insisted I come. I arrive. He’s saved a seat right next to him for me. I attempt to flirt. I have no idea if any of it lands. Jim introduces me to all his friends.. they’re all women. I know from previous conversations that some of them are gay, but a few I know aren’t. Jim sits next to me the entire time, except once gets up (excuses himself saying he needs to talk to a couple of the girls that came.. telling me who they are to him and that he’ll be right back).  

He returns.. I attempt to flirt again. I’m cautious because I don’t know what the situation is with Brian and Jim, so I’m just trying to feel Jim out if he’s interested before I ask Brian if it’s ok. 

Brian shows up.. sits next to me. We talk a bit. But then it’s time to go. 

Jim is pretty drunk, and I have to walk by Jim to get out from the table.. and Jim being chivalrous is waiting for me to walk by before he goes. As I squeeze by Jim.. I feel his hand reach for mine. Stunned I stop for a second. We hold hands. And then Brian calls for me to get going. So we start to walk out. 

As we’re leaving, Jim is unsteady after he hugs me.. so I try to steady him.. and he wraps one arm around me and holds me tight. Tighter than he actually needs to in order to stay upright. Tight like he doesn’t want to let me go. He’s drunk so I’m not sure if I’m misreading it or not. 

He seems happy to message me the next day. So I think there was something there? But then he goes radio silent. 

I still don’t know exactly what happened there.. but Jim has all but stopped talking to me unless it’s through Brian. And I’m not going to deal with that kind of bs.. so crush is over. 

It’s now end of May.. and I start to wonder if Brian maybe told Jim I was off limits. The overshare of his fetish. Our night of cuddling.. it all starts wearing on me. 

Then Brian starts acting differently.. or maybe I’m acting differently so he’s acting differently? I don’t know. 

June.2019:

Brian sat with me a couple times after the bar, when we’d talk for our typical hour.. and would mumble something about “not wanting to ruin our friendship” but I never heard anything more than that.. except once when he said he really liked our friendship. That’s the most emotional he’s ever been about me. 

Brian warned me that he was going to be out of town most of July, and I was out of town the last week of June. We’d never spent that much time apart in 2 years.  

Brian during this time started acting more aloof. I assumed maybe he’d found someone and wasn’t sure how to tell me. I couldn’t figure out why else he’d be acting distant. 

Nights when he was supposed to be “free” to come out, he’d forget to text me until way late at night and tell me he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t come out. 

I saw him about 3 nights in July. I usually see him at least 8.  

When we did catch up and talk.. normally he’d ask me about men that I’d mention… I even started dating someone (because I realized how reliant I was on Brian, and since Brian just wanted to be friends.. I wanted to find someone else) but when I told Brian about it.. he didn’t even ask who it was, or why we broke up. 

Jim however had all the questions.. but Brian didn’t seem to want to know. 

Brian then called me out of the blue to ask me out to dinner.. spontaneously.. unfortunately it was bad timing and I couldn’t go. He called me to talk a couple other times as well. He also initiated a few text conversations during July.. all things he’s never done before. 

One of the three nights that I saw Brian in July, he had a conference call on one of the nights we usually meet up at the bar, and he wasn’t going to be able to make it. So I offered to drop by instead with his favorite beer. He hesitated and then acquiesced when I said it wasn’t a hardship. 

We sat together that night.. in his loveseat.. watching TV and he started to dose off.. I offered to leave, but he’d wake up and insist we continue to talk. He did not want me to go. We napped a little, and there was a moment.. where I thought he might kiss me.. my heart leaped in my chest and shocked me a little. But he didn’t. We just sat/laid there together. 

Brian gets drunk: August 2019

Out of the blue.. with no warning.. Brian ubers to the bar and doesn’t tell me until I get there (he normally drives and drinks really responsibly). He’s decided to get drunk. I’d actually been teasing him about how I needed to see him drunk one of these days.. I just didn’t expect it to happen. 

Brian drunk is a slightly more lively less reserved version of actual Brian. Slightly. But he’s much more talkative and less filter. 

I was not prepared for the less filter. 

Everything was fine until we got to my car. He wanted to sit there and talk before I drove him home.. so I was essentially prisoner for what came next.

He told me that he had a hard time controlling himself. That with my short shorts, and my legs slightly parted  (I’m sitting in the drivers seat of my car), that he was having a hard time resisting finding out what’s between my legs.  I honestly had no idea he had any kind of physical desire for me.. so I kinda sat there dazed for a bit. 

Then he told me about all the women he also has troubling thoughts like that about. 

Then told me all the reasons why he doesn’t want to date me. All of which are stupid and sound like excuses. 

I really didn’t hear much after that. I was torn between the “I’m attracted to you” and the “I don’t want to date you”.. and trying to process it. 

Plus the downpour of reasons why we weren’t dating.. hit me like my abusive ex would do whenever he’d unload.. 

I drove him to his place and he invited me in to use the toilet.. I had to go bad so I went in. 

We sat on his bed for about a half hour with his huge Great Dane between us, focusing on the dog. Once again, he didn’t seem to want me to leave. 

He went to the restroom again, and then came back out and laid on the bed sideways, facing the end where I was resting with the dog..  

I was starting to doze off.. and woke a little as I felt like eyes were on me.. I looked up at him.. and his expression.. 

He was just there watching me. The look on his face took my breath away. It was that look of adoration mixed with attraction.. and.. I remembered the promise I’d made years ago now.. that no matter what happened.. that I would consider it friends unless he told me otherwise.. and he’d just given me a TED talk about how I was undateable.. 

And I felt a knife in my heart.  I knew at that moment.. that I was in love with him. Head over heels. Done for. In love with him. And that casual sex with him.. where I’d have to pretend it was just friends after.. would kill me. 

So I gathered what dignity I had.. and left. 

I really tried to get my heart back to being just friends.. I tail-spinned.  Between being triggered with his download of all my negative traits at once.. and my realization that I was madly in love with him… My newest girl friend told me that she didn’t think he was good for me.. and since I have a shit-all history with men.. I tried to pull away from him.. to try to end our friendship.. 

But the thought of not having him in my life at all.. lets just say I’ve not had that much of a suicidal desire since I struggled with God in college. Nor had I gone on such a sexual bender in at least a year. You know.. best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It didn’t work btw.

Like it or not, Brian will be a part of my life.. like air.. until I either find someone to date or he does.. and we’ll probably be friends even then for a while.. until gravity parts us. 

I don’t know that I’ve ever loved anyone like this. 

About 2 weeks later, Brian and I actually go out and have dinner. I’d picked up some breakfast bars he liked at Costco, and we had dinner in order to meet and get them to him. (Seriously, have I mentioned the old married couple that we are?)

I tell him that I’d been struggling since the night he got drunk.. I manage to squeeze out that he’d triggered me like my ex.. but I can’t say more because things are still to raw and I just about burst into tears saying that much. 

He asks if he needs to worry about our friendship. I assure him that our friendship is fine.. there’s just some “rules/boundaries” I need to talk to him about.. but that I’m not ready yet. He relaxes and gives me space. 

Over the next few weeks, we start to get back to where we were. Platonic friends. The ease of talking comes back. We relax again with each other. 

My newest girl friend has her BFF show up at the bar, and Brian is all into her. I am jealous but trying not to show it. He agrees to go out to the after-party after (He doesn’t usually), he brings snacks that he thinks I’ll like.. seriously gets disappointed that one of them I can’t eat, because he intentionally bought it thinking I’d like it.. super sweet.. then stayed at the party after I bowed out ( he’s never done that before) and I am seething with jealousy. 

So I decide it’s time to grow some balls and have the talk with him that I needed to do.  

I get drunk, Oct 2019:

I’ve decided to talk to Brian. I also decide it’s best to get drunk in order to do so. I achieve my drunk goal, and my newest girl friend wants to check out his truck, so we all pile in his truck. 

She leaves shortly after, and Brian and I sit and I try to find the words to talk to him. 

Somehow we end up holding hands. I thought maybe I did it.. but he seemed upset whenever I’d move my hand to reposition myself or motion.. so sometimes I’d hold his hand with my left hand.. and sometimes with my right.  So we were constantly holding hands. 

I told him that our friendship was the most important to me and I didn’t want to fuck it up. But I needed to take back my promise that I’d always interpret things as just friends. 

His first response was: “Can we still go out to dinner together sometimes?”

I honestly don’t know what he thought I was trying to say, but I assured him we could do all the platonic things.. but I needed to be able to ask him if I felt things were heading somewhere else, and that I couldn’t sleep with him without us being in a relationship/dating.  

It was a very emotional conversation. He didn’t say anything about not wanting to date me or wanting to date me for that matter. 

He also didn’t remember giving a TED talk when he was drunk about me not being dateable.. he thought he talked about how he felt he was undateable.

I gave him guidelines.. that if he didn’t want to date me.. to make sure to tell me all about every girl he was attracted to. That I needed him to do it if he wasn’t interested in me. If he was interested in me.. he didn’t need to divulge that if he didn’t want to. 

We ended our talk. Holding hands.. my head on his shoulder. His head pressed down on my mine as if to hug/snuggle. And my other arm caressing his neck, gently holding him there. 

The Aftermath of my Drunken Talk:

He was distant for the next couple weeks after.  He actually didn’t respond to me for two days after our talk in his truck, until I finally just point blank asked him if he was still alive and ok. He simply responded “Yes”.  I’m not going to lie I cried for a couple hours before I finally just texted him asking if we were still friends. He replied saying that we were fine and he was going through some stuff unrelated to our conversation.. I’m not sure how much of that I believe, but I gave him time.

The next night he was out, some girls were dressed up in sexy costumes, and he made a point to point them out to me. I did my best to not show the pain of his signal that he didn’t want to date me. 

The next night, I talk him into going out to eat with me after the bar. He never wants to join me in this so it’s a rarity.  The waitress asks if it’s one check or two.. He hesitates and asks me to decide. (I have no idea wtf). So I say two.  I should have asked him about it, but I didn’t. 

During these couple of weeks, he’s distant. I text him my normal fun memes that are just silly ways to say “Hope you’re having a great day” or “I’m thinking of you”.  But he wouldn’t respond.  

We start to get back into our normal platonic friends groove.. but there’s little things that seem different.

Like I was talking to some friends I’d not seen in ages, and he offered to go refill my drink for me while I talked. He’s not done that in almost 6 months at this point. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but maybe he’s just trying to be friends.

He tries to be friends with my newest girl friend, and I know neither he or she are into each other.. but I am jealous. I cannot tell you how insanely jealous I was that he was even speaking to her. I wasn’t worried they’d end up together.. I just didn’t like not being the center of his attention.  Can you say insecurity??

It’s not a good look on me really. Really not a good look.. and I did my best to hide it. I’m not entirely sure I was successful. 

It’s been a couple weeks since then.. we’ve gotten back into our normal groove.. platonic groove.. 

I’m unsure if I should be telling him about my crushes again.. or … because he’s not mentioned another girl to me in weeks.  

I do tell him all about the men that hit on me that I don’t like though. Because the stories are hilarious.

He finds out he’s hosting (his dog walker talks him into it) a NYE party again this year (it’s her birthday), and he awkwardly invites me. It was weird and cute, and I wanted to kiss him. But I didn’t because we’re just friends…  I’m totally going though. Wild Horses and all.  

So now we’re up to this last weekend… 

He had another Saturday night conference call.. 

This time I don’t ask if he wants me to come over. 

I’d stopped texting him memes about two weeks ago so as not to pressure him. He texted me once earlier this week about how work has been busy so he’s not had time to respond or text me. Then texts me two days later to tell me he has his conference call on Saturday night and it will probably go to 2am (normally he tells me about his conference calls on Friday nights when we meet up, so this was unusual and seemed to show that he was disappointed at not being able to go out.. and that he thought immediately on finding out about it to tell me.. in other words… I inferred that he was upset that he wouldn’t be able to see me on Saturday)

So Saturday night.. the call actually goes long.. sometimes they don’t.. but I texted him at 1am and he was still on the call.  

So I replied.. “If you’re still on the call at 2am, I’ll come over and bring you some beer.”  I didn’t ask if he wanted me to.. I just said “I’m coming over”. 

He replied “Thanks” – which is the most invitation he’s ever given me to come over. 

So I run home.. change into walking gear (in case he wants to walk the dog) and grab some beers from my fridge.. and head over. 

And this is where things.. well where I start to wonder if he’s interested in more but scared to cross a line if I don’t want to. I notice he gives me options.

He cleans off his single recliner, as well as the entire loveseat (where he usually sits) giving me a clear option of either seat. 

I sit in the loveseat. He sits next to me. 

His loveseat is big enough that I don’t “need” to touch him if I don’t want to.. but I want to see if this is actually heading somewhere.. so I push the envelope a bit.. and his dog is on the other side of him.. so I reach over to pet the dog.. the dog is not making this easy.. and then let my hand rest on his thigh next to me.. as if my hand just naturally dropped there. 

I get cold and he scours the house for a throw blanket for me.. comes back with one.. I snuggle up in it, with my arms outside of it. I don’t share it with him at this point because he’s not cold. I put my hand back on his thigh.. again.. as if it just naturally rests there. He doesn’t complain or indicate that he’s noticed. 

After a bit, I offer to share the blanket.. he accepts.. and my hand is now under the blanket.. on his thigh.. and since there’s no real reason to keep it there now that it’s under the blanket.. I relax my muscles and just let my hand naturally start to slide off his thigh.

Suddenly his hand on top of the blanket catches my pinky and stops my hand from moving off his thigh.  I swear my breath caught for a second. My heart leaped.. but I reminded myself.. we’re just friends.. he probably doesn’t even realize he’s holding my pinky.

He holds it like that for a bit.. and I try wiggling my pinky a little.. like I’m just adjusting my arm. He doesn’t let go. 

Next thing I know, his arm is under the blanket, and his hand is holding my pinky. I realize this has to be intentional. 

I wiggle my fingers, and he releases his grip a little.. then grabs the 3 smallest fingers.. increasing his hold on my hand. I really know it’s intentional now. 

Not once during this do we actually look at at each other.  My heart is beating out of my chest I swear. 

So I move my hand.. palm up.. and place it under his.. our fingers entwine, and he squeezes my hand. 

I relax and start to doze off.. he does too. 

Pretty soon.. I feel him gently squeezing my hand.. I return the squeeze.. he squeezes it harder and tells me it’s late. 

He asks me if the plan is to crash here or head home. I don’t know how to answer, so I say I’m fine with either. I’m half asleep. 

He mumbles something about something.. I don’t know exactly what he said.. but I got the idea that I should go home. 

We both go to the bathroom (he uses the master, and I the guest) and then meet up in the hallway to say goodnight. We hug as normal.. maybe a little longer than normal.. and he walks me to the door. 

I’m really trying not to read more into this than there may be. I mean.. maybe it’s just a friendly holding of hands..  But I haven’t stopped smiling. 

Jan 262011
 

Remember me mentioning my lost love who is supposed to be back in town and wanting to see me?

Yeah, I’ve heard as much from him as you have.

So of course I’m doubting myself, and thinking that I was making mountains out of molehills.. misreading things.. you know that whole “I must be batshit crazy again”… if only they made meds that you could take to give you true clarification on what the hell men are thinking.

You could charge $1000 a pill or more, and yes, we women would pay it and ask for more.

Today though, Mr Mich Lost-Love.. posted on Facebook. The following song, with this disclaimer:

“If there is a song that fits my experience, sad to say this may be it…”

Lyrics:

“She’d trade Colorado if he’d take her with him

Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,

And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,

She’s answered by the tail lights

Shining through the window pane

[Chorus:]

He said I wanna see you again

But I’m stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

She said you’re ramblin’ man

You ain’t ever gonna change

You gotta gypsy soul to blame

And you were born for leavin’

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,

The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin’,

And in the waitress’ eyes he sees the same ‘ol light a shinin’,

He thinks of Colorado

And the girl he left behind

[Chorus:]

He said I wanna see you again

But I’m stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

She said you’re ramblin’ man

[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/z/zac-brown-band-lyrics/colder-weather-lyrics.html .]

You ain’t ever gonna change

You got a gypsy soul to blame

And you were born for leavin’ (born for leavin’)

Well it’s a winding road

When you’re in the lost and found

You’re a lover I’m a runner

We go ’round ‘n ’round

And I love you but I leave you

I don’t want you but I need you

You know it’s you who calls me back here, Baby

Oh I wanna see you again

But I’m stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Can I call you then

Cause I’m a ramblin’ man

I ain’t ever gonna change

I gotta gypsy soul

And I was born for leavin’ (born for leavin’)

When I close my eyes I see you

No matter where I am

I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines

I’m with your ghost again

It’s a shame about the weather

I know soon we’ll be together

And I can’t wait till then

I can’t wait till then”

So.. While this might be about coming home to me, I honestly think this is about someone else.. but since he’s always so damn vague lately.. It could be about me, some girl he met on the plane, some chick in China, Italy, France, etc.

So I’m just going to give up. If he calls, he calls. If he wants to see me, we’ll see if I’m free. But there’s only so much tortured soul of vagueness that I can do before I drive myself insane.  And none of us wants that.

Trust me.

Dec 142010
 

So after my date with “Barks At Dogs”, I wanted a drink. I’d already planned on going out with Chrissy to a bar, and meeting a bunch of friends, so I headed to the bar.

I arrive and it’s drink specials night. $1 wells. Normally when they say $1 wells they mean mixed drinks. If you order a vodka on the rocks, most places will charge you double. Not this place. Vodka on the rocks for a buck.

I then decided to see how many I could down before the drink specials ran out at 10pm. Yes, I decided to get smashed, and announced it to everyone there.

The party included Chrissy, a couple girls I don’t really know, an Asian/Pacific Islander guy, and Ken.

I’ve known Ken for a while now. I met him at the same time that I met the guy I talked about in my “Confuzzled” post.

Ken is a sweetheart. Nice. Passive. Do anything for you. He’s one of those guys you write off as friends, because you’re pretty sure if you actually did try to date him you’d just end up hurting him.

As such, I wrote Ken off very quickly when I first met him. He’s also a little odd which doesn’t help matters any.

Ken, being the nice guy that he is, decided to help me in my drinking endeavor by buying me a few drinks himself, and encouraging me to drink up.

By 10pm, I had a good buzz going. I didn’t count how many drinks I had, but based on my bill. I know it was at least 14 vodkas on the rocks.

I didn’t stop at 10pm though. Ken bought me more drinks after that, and I didn’t turn them down.

He was being sweet, nice, and attentive. After my date earlier, he wasn’t looking so bad.. but I had no intentions of being more than friends with Ken.

This is where things get fuzzy. I’m missing pieces of what happened exactly, but since I was too drunk to drive myself home.. somehow I went home with Ken. I honestly don’t even think at that point that I had any intention of being more than just platonic with Ken.

But.. me + alcohol…

I honestly don’t remember leaving the bar, but I do remember walking to Ken’s car. I vaguely remember riding in the car on the way to his place. I woke up this morning with absolutely no clue where in Austin I was, a very rare thing as I always have a backup plan. But I obviously trusted Ken because I did not pay any attention to where he was driving me the night before. (of all the times in my life that I’ve ever been drunk, this is the only night that I have had this much trouble recalling things.. soo not a good sign)

I remember him parking, and myself opening up my car door and puking my guts out. (Sexy right?) And puking. And puking. I remember Ken clearly taking care of me, being sweet about everything, and telling me I’d be ok.

I don’t remember walking up to his apartment, but obviously I did since I woke there this morning.

I do remember knocking over his DVD shelving. His alphabetized collection falling haphazardly all over the floor. I remember trying to put them back on the shelves in the right order, and him begging me to stop. He wasn’t mad. He just wanted me in the bedroom.

I just don’t remember the point where it went from platonic to romantic at all.  I do clearly remember feeling platonic at the bar. I do clearly remember what we did next was not platonic, and it was just as much my idea as it was his. I just don’t remember how it got to that point.

I did find some texts on my phone this morning. Evidently, we were texting each other at the bar calling each other “Sweetie” and “Sweetheart”… (yes you can puke now)

But I’m very glad things went romantic, because Ken has a side to him in the bedroom that is HOT.

Outside the bedroom, Ken walks around as if he’s not really at ease or very self-assured. He seems sweet, innocent, passive. In the bedroom, he wasn’t really any of those things. He knew exactly what he was doing, how to do it, when to do it, and more. He’s also packing a pretty good pistol. (He’s a little bit like the married guy on “Cougartown”)

It’s the best sex I’ve had since my “Night of Sexual Healing” a little over a year ago, and boy did I need to get laid.

I woke up this morning feeling sick, icky, yucky, and happy… if just a little confused on where I was.. but I wasn’t confused at all on who I was with. The surprise of being happy with Ken was strange.. and I wonder if maybe I should have gotten drunk with him earlier.

Then he came back from taking his dog for a potty-walk, and we started again. The tone was different from the night before… better different. It was fun. It was sensual. It was amazing.

As he drove me back to my car this morning (after taking me out to get some breakfast), I learned more about him. I thought he was much younger than me. He’s actually just a little older. He someday wants to get married and have kids.

He might just be a keeper… maybe. I’ll have to get to know him better to tell for sure.  And I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day, had I not gotten drunk. Strange huh?

Now just to find out if he feels the same. It’s possible I might just be that drunk chick he brought home once, and decided never again.

Nov 162010
 

The other night I actually went out. Yes yes you can stop gasping in semi-faux shock now. Also, I’m starting to want to date again.  So yes that also means I’m feeling better.

Now back to the story!

After two days of ditching outings that I hadn’t really committed to, but planned to go to anyway, I really needed to get out of the house if only just to prove to myself that I could in fact get out of the house.

Plus it was an outing with Huew for the icing on the cake.

It ended up being the best night I’ve had in a long while and yet left me feeling very sad at the end. It is probably a good example of why I am still single.

The event was at a club that I really want to love as it’s based on a part of my cultural heritage that isn’t very well represented in Austin, but every time I’ve gone there its been either boring because no one is there or boring because you can’t move or talk to people because its too crowded. The layout leaves a lot to be desired.

The place was empty with the exception of our group. Huew greeted me as is his job as host, and we talked for a while. We talked with others, each other, and more to each other. We engaged in sexy banter.. which I clearly got the impression that I am not his type, and yet he swung it back to maybe I am.

Let me explain:
He saw this girl getting out of a booth not far away. She was dressed in a red/black bustier with itty bitty lace skirt and leggings. She was a larger woman with big breasts, so there was a whole ton of skin showing in the chest area. The bustier was also not well fitted for such a large bosom, and gave the impression that the boobs could roll out at any moment, but they did not.

He said, “Woah
I replied, “What’s wrong?
He did his best not to look back at her, but said, “That’s just too much”
I teased, “What you don’t like that?” (I knew full well what he was getting at, but I wanted him to say it.)
He said, “Not…*verbal fumbling*..
I again teased, “Oh sure, well.. I’ll just have to remember not to wear that when you’re around, its ok.
He smiled, “Well, at home you do right?
I laughed “Oh of course, all the time. But it’s be too much for you.
He tried to back track, “Well in public.. and well.. on.. ”
I shot him a quizzical look.
Maybe on someone smaller it’d be ok.
(Ah see there’s the gist of it.) I attempted to not look offended. The woman, other than nearly spilling out of her top, looked fan-freaking-tastic, and I admired her courage to wear it.
Uh huh… I’ll just remember not to wear such things when you’re around.” I threw in a smile and a slight wink for good humor.
well maybe for a costume party or something it’d be ok.. and of course at home

The conversation was interrupted at that point by drunk skinny chick which Huew informed me had barely had one cocktail. Which lead to Huew and I sharing drunk stories. Huew blacks out if drunk enough. I just often wish I would have; there are things I do drunk that I’d rather not remember I did.

The party then moves to another location suggested to us by the party girl. I really don’t like this girl. She’s nice. So I don’t really have any reason to dislike her personally, but she’s one of those girls that preys on men. She has to have a man. If she doesn’t bring one, she’ll find one there. She’ll get them all to buy her drinks, and do things for her. She never drives anywhere. A mutual friend of ours has told me that she’ll call everyone she knows and make up stories so she doesn’t have to drive. (I suppose in a way I’m probably jealous of her tenacity at selfishness.)

We get there, and we all place ourselves at a small table. We’d lost a few people in the transition, but there were a good seven or eight of us left. I sit down, and Huew sits next to me. We talk a bit and flirt. He complains because the band isn’t on yet, and that we’d arrived during a break. I told him that it was a good time to get to know everyone in the group. He saw my point, but replied.

But I already know you.
No you don’t.
Well, we’re friends on Facebook. So I know you.

I fake sighed and pretended to be offended that he thought getting to know me was boring. He tried to dig himself out of that hole. He of course was flailing and failing at that.

Well we can switch seats if you want, so you can get to know her” I offered as I pointed to the girl next to me.
He smiled, “No no, you’re ok where you are.
I looked at him feigning  frustration. “Ok, so really, you’re just not going to stop complaining until the band comes on?
He smiled and replied, “well yeah
I laughed. “Alright, then to even things out, I’m going to start complaining once the band comes on. You know, for balance.”
He laughed.

The band came on, and it wasn’t his kind of music. It was 40’s & 50’s R&B. Stuff I like. Well mostly stuff I like to sing to, but still stuff I like. So he still bitched, but I ignored his complaints and enticed him out on the dance floor.

It was then I got hit on. A nice bald man was dancing with one of the other girls from our group and she introduced us. He seemed all over me like I was the most beautiful women in the room. He then offered to buy us drinks. She ordered a vodka cranberry, and I wanted a vodka on the rocks. He then leaned in and asked what vodka I wanted. I nearly said “Any is fine” but thought better. My luck he’d bring me back some Absolut which I just cannot abide. So I said, “The well here isn’t bad, either that or Ketel One.” He told me that he wouldn’t subject me to well vodka but that he’d be back with Ketel One.

So I figured he really liked me, or he was crazy. A few minutes later after I thought he’d headed to the bar, he was again dancing with the other girl a few feet from me.

I thought, “Yeah, I’m betting he’s crazy”

I didn’t take long to ponder it, as they ran into me again, and he went off to get us drinks. As soon as he left, we were surrounded by two other men wanting to dance with us. They were hot, sexy, and educated. So, hot hot and hot. They were a ton of fun, then Baldy came back with our drinks. And yes, mine was filled with Ketel One.

As soon as Baldy returned though, he escorted the other girl to be alone dancing with him. My crazy alarm went off. I sidled up next to her and whispered for her to be careful with him, and then was spun away into a slow dance with Mr Hot Hot and Hot.  I haven’t slow danced in ages. It was a blast.

After the dance was over, I went to go check on Huew and the others since I’d not seen them in a while. (yeah probably why I’m single)  They’re in another part of the club that is playing rock tunes, and they decide it’s time to leave.

It’s about then that the “other girl” shows up. The one Baldy had swept away. She sees me and runs over.

OMG, you’ve got a sixth sense. He was fucking crazy. I left him to dance with someone else and he wigged out and tried to make me stay with him and started stalking me.” She went on telling me that she’d used Mr Hot Hot and Hot (and his friends) as cover/safety, until Baldy finally went away.

Seriously, any dude that insists on paying premium liquor prices when given the option for cheaper for a stranger that’s just friends with the girl he wants.. crazy assed bastard.

So we run back to the club we were at before. There’s a few more people there, but barely. We hit the dance floor, and I get hit on. (It’s like there’s a sign on my head, “Just back into dating” its possible it could be a “Needs to get laid” sign, but I don’t think I was giving that vibe no matter how true it is.)

His name is Brad, and my lack of interest made him disappear. *POOF* (again, probably why I’m single)

However, not long after that is when Louis showed up. He was cute. Mexican cute. He had that geeky aura, and honestly was right my type.

He was there with his best girlfriend. He explained that she’d just gotten through a bad breakup and he was trying to cheer her up.

Had she not been there, had he not made excuses for why he was with her, had Huew not been there, I’d have been all over Louis. (yes probably another reason I’m single)

Instead, I got into their business. He introduced me to Claudia (pronounced Cloud-ia), and I bent to whisper in her ear, “You know he’s into you right?

She replied back scoffing at the idea, “No, I’m pretty sure he’s into you.

You’re wrong. He really likes you. That’s why he’s here right now.

She didn’t believe me, and she asked him. His initial response was shock, back peddling, and then almost denial.

Oh don’t try to deny it. One or both of you has a thing for other. Ooo Or maybe.. have you two already dated once?

They both quickly said they hadn’t dated. He had met her while she was dating someone else.

Ok, well then.. sorry Louis to out you like this, but Claudia he likes you. I think you like him too. You’re going to have to deal with this sometime.

I go back to dancing. Louis goes back to hitting on me, and I give him just enough encouragement to keep him there.

Then Claudia whispers to me, “You know I think he really likes you.”

I stop dancing turn around, and whisper to her. “Girl, I’ve seen this before. I’ve been there done that from where I am and from where you are. If you like him, you need to take him now before someone like me snatches him up.

They disappeared shortly after that.

About a half hour later, our group decides to leave. Huew is hungry and we decide to go to this 24 hour diner that isn’t far away. That’s when the other guy backs out and says he’s just going home. The other girl left also decides to go home. Huew and I try to talk them into going.

They firmly decline and since they were parked near each other, they walked to their cars together.

Huew and I were parked near each other, and so we walked to our cars together as well.

As we’re walking, we talk about the night and how it went. It comes to the point where he wants to veer off course to his car.

Where are you parked?
Just over there..” I point.
Are you ok making it there by yourself?
Sure. You still wanting to get something to eat?” I say hopefully.
Naw, I’ll just grab some Jack in the Box or something.
Oh ok” I try to say as if it didn’t matter to me.

This is how I know we’re just friends. No guy who likes a girl would refuse to spend one on one time with her while it was still in the non-pressure non-date setting.

Guess I can hope that Louis and Claudia don’t work out, and he *poofs* into my path again.

Aug 242010
 

As you all know, I go out networking. I go out networking OFTEN. So much so that most of my networking pals are quickly becoming good friends (whether they know.. er like it or not).

The funniest was the other night when I was accosted by one of my favorite married hot men friends. I had barely walked in before he’d pulled me aside and away from everyone.

“What was Jack doing with you the other night?”

Umm Mike and I are good friends… or so I think.. but we’re not THAT good of friends, and I had no idea why he thought I was with Jack. Or why he’d be so frantic about it. Jack barely knows who I am.

“Uh whaaaaaa?”

“Jack, you two were together the other night. He was bragging about it.”

Still completely clueless about what in the hell he was talking about..

“He was what? when? why? huh? I’m totally confused.”

“He told everyone he was with you at your place the other night. Everyone. Didn’t you know? What’s going on?”

I must have looked at him like he was completely off his rocker.

“Uh Jack wasn’t with me. Jack & I have talked like once..”

He interrupts. “No he’s telling everyone..”

I interrupt. “Wait.. wait.. what night was this?”

Turns out it was a huge misunderstanding and an extended joke from the group that Jack and I’d been talking in that last night I’d seen him.

Mike however interpreted the joke as Jack taking advantage of me or tarnishing my honor or my good name.

Once I put two and two together, I couldn’t stop laughing. I probably offended Mike by my incessant laughter, but it was just too funny.

After years of having everyone and their dog assume and accuse me of being some kind of whore, I find it hysterically funny that anyone would want to defend my honor. (Maybe thats just the bitter old woman in me?)

I was however extremely flattered that Mike felt inclined to check on me. He pretends to be a big ass, grumpy and antisocial, but he’s really just a huge sweetheart.  His wife is too, but don’t tell them I said that… I’d hate to ruin their reputation. 🙂

Later that night, I found myself trapped in conversation with a group of geek-boys. Hot young geek-boys. They said they were 23.. or around there. They were new to town and I’d briefly met them earlier in the week. Being the big mama-bear that I am, I felt all protective and wanted to introduce them to people.

I tried, but the more I tried the more they seemed to single me and Roma into conversation. I couldn’t tell if they were doing the divide and conquer… One of them taking me aside so another of them could talk one on one with Roma.. or if the guy talking to me really was that interested. It was hard to tell.

But they would not leave us alone or let the conversation fade. Which was fine with us for the most part as there wasn’t really much of anyone else to talk to, and they were fucking smart and hot. Well the one I was talking to was anyway. I’d end up getting distracted, introducing them to someone walking by, and suddenly he’d engage me in conversation again. I gave the boy plenty of outs to talk to anyone else, and yet he chose me. Roma was having the issue with one of the other boys.

As we walked back to the car, we started sharing notes.

“They really seemed intent on talking to us.”
“I know, it was kinda surreal.”
“Do you think they had any clue how old we are?” (Both of us are a good 14 yrs older than them)
“I don’t know. From the way they were talking to us, I’m pretty sure they thought we were much younger. Or they have that whole “The Graduate” thing going on.”

Roma laughed. We agreed that they had to have thought we were closer to their age. She herself forgets that I’m her age, and instead thinks I’m in my late 20’s.

Not that it matters much. The guy I was talking to was hot enough… dark hair, gorgeous.. looked a bit like the actor on Kyle XY.. which is enough for me.. I mean as long as I’ve ascertained that he’s legal.. and this guy is.

We’ll see if I run into him again.

Aug 122010
 

(I might need this book)

This week has been an emotional week for me. It doesn’t help that I’m all full of hormones run rampant.

Nearly everything that I thought was stable and safe.. went horribly wrong. Thankfully, there were also some equally fantastic things going right this week, or I might have just packed up my crap and moved back in with my parents uninvited. Old people need a caretaker right?

My stress level right now is toggling between “give up, and start packing to live out of a shopping cart” and “seeing the light at the end of the tunnel”.. with very little middle ground.

Between all this.. is a bunch of unresolved emotional crap that reared its head.

I don’t know how to forgive people who have hurt me. Or at least, that I perceive their actions as hurting me personally. Maybe its more of abandonment?

See I used to be friends with some people that I met through different means. They then met each other, and I honestly think I might be a good part of the way that some of them met each other, but thats another story.

One day I woke up and they’d all decided not to be my friends anymore. Well ok, that’s not exactly how it went. They decided not to be friends with an acquaintance of mine, and they decided not to include me in their new clique. So right now, they feel more like they’ve taken the stance of enemy than friends that I no longer talk to.

I no longer see most of them around. I figured if they didn’t want to be friends with me, I didn’t need to try to be friends with them.

But now and then I see them courting a few of my friends that stood by me during the whole fallout and friends that never knew anything about it, and I can’t help but relive the hurt.

Its a completely selfish “How can they be friends with them, and not me? What did I ever do?” It’s insane, and crazy, and I know it.

I just don’t know how to get past this…

And I sure don’t want my previous experiences with these people to affect current friendships or to make mutual friends feel the need to take sides. Because that’s not very loving or fair, and not how I like to behave.

Maybe I’m just too much of a hormonal emotional basketcase right now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and be fine.

For now.. lots of wine, a box of tissues, and a chick-flick.

Aug 022010
 

Well this weekend was quite the WTF weekend.

For starters, Friday night I went out with some friends. One of which, Getty is completely obsessed with strip clubs, and now is obsessed with being someone’s Fag Hag. She also just got a 666 tatoo, so we’re all a little WTF worried about her.

I honestly think she’s gay, she’s just not done anything or much of anything yet.

So to get out of going with her to the gay club.. I’ve never been to one, and the one she wanted to go to.. I could just tell that it wasn’t going to be my kind of place at all.  I called a friend to see what they were doing, and invited them to come with us.

They were drunk and stuck at a closing restaurant.. so they hopped at the idea and I became the DD. They agreed to be buffers at the Gay Lounge.

The Gay Lounge was.. on a Friday night at 9pm.. rather bare… er empty. Those that were there were the older gay men upper 40’s and higher. The bar itself looked like something you’d catch disease in. It was decorated in what I’d call “Gay Hick” as it resembled more of the country biker dive bars than it did anything remotely gay, though it did have twinkle lights, so I guess thats something. The only way I knew it was close to gay was the dress code. Men were dressed country, but in such a manner that would have caused any true hetero country man to get his ass beat.  It was a little bit like lumberjack or the marlboro man meets Prince. (If you’re thinking WTF, so was I)

I wanted to flee the moment we walked into the bar, but to be polite to Getty, we stayed for a drink. I drank it fast. And we decided to move onto somewhere else. Getty stayed.

Anyway, the remaining 3 of us… Rick, Roma, and I.. all go barhopping. We stop first at a bar that I hate. Roma wants to say happy birthday to a friend of hers. Neither of them had been to that bar before so they only had my word on how lame it was. I don’t think they believed me.

We drive up, and they exclaim. “Holy crap, you weren’t joking. Do they hand out douchebag badges here?” “Is it buy one douchebag get one free night?”

We park anyway and go in. Roma goes to say Hi to her friend, and I follow her.  It is then that my path is blocked by a drunk guy who has his back to me but keeps moving to block my way.. I assume unintentionally… but nevertheless he bumps into me repeatedly.

He then turns to look at me, “Oh wow, sorry but your boobs are so big its hard not to bump into you. I like it!”

He then proceeds to try to pick me up. Ewww. WTF?

Rick & Roma spend the entire time we’re there, cracking jokes at the expense of the douchebags and hoochiemamas that populate the place. Its too hilarious. Especially since both of them are never ones to say a bad word about anyone.

We head to the next place.

In which somehow we end up discussing the movie “Secretary” which is one of my all time favorite movies. It’s SOOOOOOOOO hot.  (seriously, watch it with me and you’ll get laid.. well if you’re a guy and I find you even remotely attractive.)

I honestly do have quite a few friends who are into BDSM type things, and for those that know me well (or at least read in depth on here)… you know I border on it too.  I dabble at best. It requires a LOT of trust.. which I find nearly impossible to obtain that level of trust needed in someone else. Maybe someday.

Anyway, Rick, Roma and I discuss it. We discuss the people in it.. people we know.. people we’ve met. Roma is all sorts of uncomfortable and blushing. Rick and I quickly see that she’s an innocent. Rick also quickly sees that I am not. Oops outted myself.

One of these days I’m going to be able to watch my tongue. Luckily neither of these people care what I do, as long as I’m safe and safe about it… which is not something most people ever worry about with me.

We headed home. Woke up Saturday morning with my throat swollen and sore. Luckily I was breathing fine, but my ears & throat were on fire, my body ached, and movement of any kind left me dizzy. I was also a little nauseated. Not a normal thing, but pretty sure it was an allergic reaction to something. I’m blaming the Ace Pear Cider, but I don’t know. (again, WTF?)

So I spend all day in bed and on Twitter and other things I can do laying in bed not moving. Ended up taking a good 5 hour nap, on top of the 9 hours sleep I had. My head hurt, but I could type.

So on twitter, I flirt with some English dude. He’s pretty hot for an English dude, and I tell him that. I ask if he’s single. He is.

He offers to come visit Austin for a week. Once clarified that I’d only be obligated to meet him for drinks or lunch or something once… and not entertain him for the entire week.. I agree, but found it creepy and weird. WTF?

Turns out I find the one attractive dude in England who is single, and has friends in Austin that he’s not seen in a while.

He’s booking his trip.

Aug 012010
 

Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn’t think I was that stressed out, but I guess you can have a ton of stress and mentally block it out.

I met with lawyer for my business stuff, because I wanted to make sure I had everything filed that I needed filed… legally. I didn’t want to wake up in few months or a year to find there’s some kind of whatever I didn’t file, and now I’m looking at jail-time or owe the government $5,000 or something in fees. Turns out, I’m good. Phew.

Immediately after that, I got a message that relieved the rest of the stress. This honestly was the much bigger stressor, but combined the two were extremely massive.

But let me start near the beginning.

A few months ago, I ran into and found interesting a guy on Twitter. He seemed smart. He was opinionated (after my ex, opinionated sounds pretty good, it may not be in the long run, but its something new) and had a bit of something “je ne sais quoi” so to speak.

Then he blocked me. WTF? right? I can’t remember the details but I ended up winning myself back into the good graces, and we started a Twitter friendship. We’d chat, and harmlessly flirt.. as he’s going through a divorce, something I can relate.

Then a few weeks ago (maybe longer).. things started to change. He began to flirt a little more seriously with me. He’s not that far away from me, so meeting isn’t an impossibility or at least not a huge deal.

Then about a week or so ago, he jokingly mentioned that he could use a 4 day never-leave-the-bedroom sex romp. I jokingly offered my services. We teased and flirted about it.  Then one thing lead to another and he asked if I’d like to meet.

He offered to come down to Austin. Get a hotel room for a couple nights, and we’d meet and go out. It seemed overkill for a first meeting, as one night in a hotel would probably be sufficient as no one ever really turns out to be exactly like you think they are online. Sometimes they’re better, but often they are not. But it seemed harmless to meet him if he came down, so I agreed.

He was adamant that he was ok with not seeing my picture beforehand, and that he didn’t need to know anything else about me. Insisting that everything he needed to know for him to meet me, he already knew from my blog. He didn’t care about looks at all. It was sweet in a kinda creepy way.

He told me how well he knew me, and expressed several theories of who I am and what I’m like, and what I need. Most of which were wrong, as the picture he painted of me was of a sweet little innocent girl.. and that is hardly me. I tried to set him straight, but everything I said, he seemed to twist to fit his idea of who I am, rather than adjust his idea to fit the real me.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 1)

This got me scared. Been there done that before.. I started to remember experiences of my past where I’d met men like this. It did not go very well, as these guys were borderline stalkers. I hoped I was wrong, and that he was just excited to meet me. I decided to limit my contacting him, but respond if he contacted me.

He then suggested that he say 3 nights in town, not just two. Maybe he’d take a day off of work for me. Sight Unseen for our first visit.

He had talked previously about being poor and that money was tight, and now he was getting hotel rooms and taking time off of work.. for me?

Should I mention that he’s not seen a picture of me? I know very little about him at this point? This was our second phone conversation… or around there?

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 3)

He told me he wasn’t just out for a sex romp.. which is relaxing because we’d not met yet… but he insisted that I was a romantic. He told me a lot of things about myself, and said pushed a lot of buttons that said he was out for a relationship…

And he implied… if not outright said.. that I wanted a relationship too, and that I’d want a relationship with him.. despite my emotional/psychological aversion to the the very idea of it.

He talked with me about sex, and told me that when he has sex it means he’s in a relationship, and not an open one. If I have sex with him, we’re locked in a relationship.. I can’t still be dating around. Sex = Commitment.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 5)

I made mental notes.

“DO NOT have sex with him. Period. No matter how fabulous he may seem. If you do, leave your ID in your car, so he can’t find your address and stalk you later.”

In honesty, sex was way off the table. WAY OFF the table. Gone. Which was pretty funny considering that sex was what prompted this whole thing anyway.

He got put in the friend zone with a temporary friend tag. If we hit it off when we met, that tag could be removed, but for now thats where he was safest since sex was off the table.

He then talked about taking me for a winery tour.. a romantic jaunt in Austin.. then getting us individual hotel rooms in a town nearby the wineries.. (for Austin, this is a romantic weekend getaway, and not something you can “flee” easily from should it go bad.)

He talked about romantic sunsets, and settings. He spoke in lovey dovey terms.

He’s still not seen me yet, and insists he doesn’t need to see any pictures. He’s certain that he’ll like me as I am… almost as if he’d love me no matter what. Its a sweet idea, but in reality that doesn’t happen. He still insisted.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 7)

I now start limiting my availability to him. Not replying right away. Sometimes not replying at all. Each communication is making more uncomfortable, and I wait for him to calm down and settle back into reality.. where he was a few months ago.

I also set up a NiteFlirt account (see the call me button) so I never have to give out my number again to anyone un-vetted. CYA – Just in Case – Safety First

He starts telling me just how long he’s been following me and how he’s not been able to get me off his mind for months. That I’m this vixen that’s been taunting him. He makes up pet names for me.

He’s full of flowery speech and talks very romantically. Almost lovey dovey.

Anytime I balk at what he says, or show that he’s moving too fast.. he backs away and reassures me.. then comes back the next day or a couple hours later.. full boar.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 9)

I am now nearly breaking out into hives every time I see him message me. I’m still thinking I’ll meet him if he shows up in Austin, but plan to arrange a public meeting and probably bring a few friends for safety.  I mean if he’s driving 4 hours.. and I’d already promised.. its only fair… plus he used to be a nice sensible guy.. so maybe there can a friendship in it once his romantic feelings are washed out of it.

Honestly from the get-go, I found myself trying to convince him NOT to date me. He’d just triggered that “caution” button from the start of his pursuit and I wanted to bring him back to some kind of rationality. But nothing I said phased him at all. There was no emotional mace no matter how much I tried.

Then Friday, he posted on twitter about meeting me in a few weeks. On top of everything else, I interpreted it as being “tagged”.. or claimed. I did not read it as the words that it was, but as if he wrote..

“Hey everyone I am going to date Maruska. She’s mine. Hands off.”

I hit the ceiling.

I decided to try one more time to get him back to some kind of rational thought, and scolded him for his behavior.. quite honestly telling him that he was legitimately scaring the crap out of me, and he needed to knock it off. I threatened to block him, and I was serious.

I was sad that this all went down like this. I used to like him, and from the pictures I’ve seen of him, he’s quite an attractive guy.

Once he grasped the gravity of the situation, and that I was serious.. he replied obviously hurt. His regret for doing anything to upset me or make me uncomfortable was genuine and heartfelt.

I’d gotten what I wanted. He was done with flowery love notes. He was done with flowery love talk. But he was hurt.. and that wasn’t what I wanted.. which is why it’d taken me so long to be so brutal in my communications.. I just felt that I had no other options, as he’d not really been listening or hearing me in my other ways of addressing the issue.

So I called him. We talked a little bit. He apologized profusely, and for once .. for the first time since we’d started this thing, he was being honest, rational, and himself.  For the first time, we’re both just being ourselves, and he was being real with me. He was listening. I relax, and start to like him again. I start remembering why I liked him at the start. I’m no longer afraid. (Though if he switches back to lovey dovey psycho, I’ll be back at level 8 instantly.)

Summary: What went wrong? He was overly excited, and projected his excitement onto me. He moved onto his dream of this relationship, dragging me along, and wasn’t allowing me to find it for myself. I didn’t have time to catch up to him. For every step forward I took, he took 3.  I’m kicking and screaming to be allowed to stay at step 1.. and he’s already dragging me to step 6. So I then started misinterpreting things he said. Not understanding when he was joking and when he wasn’t. Communication Failure.

There’s a time for flowery love talk.. for sweet gestures.. and romantic thoughts.. but if the object of your affection isn’t on that page with you yet.. it can go horribly wrong fast.

If you really want someone to fall in love with you.. you have to give them time to move at their own pace. Relax, and just enjoy. Don’t try so hard.

I’m actually now looking forward to meeting this hunk of man. I’m just hoping it stays that way. 🙂

Jul 222010
 

Last night, I went to a networking gathering. Ok it was a seminar with networking attached to it.. or networking with a seminar attached.. whatever. The point is that I went out where people were, and ran into.. Hock.

For those of you who don’t know the Hock story, I do recommend seeking the archives from end of April to mid-May. For those that do remember the idiot that thought a one-night stand allowed him to treat me like an all-hours on-call secret sex shop…

This is the first I’ve seen Hock since the hockey game, and honestly I have no idea why I thought he was attractive.

He looked bad. I wasn’t all that lovely myself.. I didnt’ really do my hair and my makeup was less than perfection, but boy howdy did he look bad.

His hair looked thin at the top. He was clearly unshaven. He looked disheveled and sloppy. He also looked like he’d put on a good 20 lbs in all the wrong places.

Add to that.. that he didn’t even bother to acknowledge my presence or that he knew me. (probably a good thing) And he walked around with his normal arrogant ways of being, though avoiding me with great effort. (Seriously, I was standing next to a girl that’s his friend, and he didn’t go over to stay hi to her until I left her side.. which was about 45 minutes or so later, and only ventured over cautiously once just to say goodbye, because I was still within 5 feet of her.)

I think he’s scared of me. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! Asshole.

I did however spend most of the night talking with some great people, and getting some really great connections (personal and professional).  At one point, I found myself surrounded by sexy geeky men doing geek talk. They were talking about physics theories and facts and whatnot that was a little over my head.. but damn thats sexy.

One of them was married. The hottest one of course. He flirts with me, but I honestly can’t tell if its just innocent married male flirting or if he’s toying with the idea of a girl on the side. (Sadly, he’s hot enough that I would be tempted. I know that makes me evil.. But when someone like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackman walks up to you and attempts to seduce you.. do you really care that much if they’re married? Ok.. fine.. yes yes we do.. damn it.)

There were two other geeky guys there that I think are single. I didn’t ask. One is a very sexy younger geeky boy-man. He said maybe two words. Both of which I think were his name. He might be 25 if he’s lucky. The other was older, maybe 40+? and very geeky and much less sexy.. I didn’t talk to him much.. so that could change, I mean if he really can talk geek fluently I might could overlook the skeletal frame he has, which honestly was his only real issue.

If I feel like the chances of breaking you is pretty great just by having sex.. it severely lessens my attraction to you. Severely.

It’s also a bad sign.. if I feel the need to feed you.