Aug 172010

I was planning on leaving this entire thing out of my blog, but since it was kinda announced on Twitter.. and some people are chomping at the bit to hear how things went.. I feel somewhat obligated to include at least a portion of the events here.

I’m a bit nervous about including these events, because he reads this.. religiously… and thus can see exactly what I’m thinking… which … well… might be a slightly different perspective from what he’s heard straight from me.. worse case might upset him or give him an annoyingly big ego.

So.. here I go at my attempt to be honest with you.. and still keep things within the limits of “Things I’m Willing To Let Him Know”.

To be perfectly honest, up until about a week or so ago, I wasn’t taking his visit very seriously. I was pretty sure he was a harmless nutjob or not ready for dating. Then we got to talking, and I started to care for him more than I planned.

What started as a joke of a “weekend sex-a-thon” suddenly, became more of a “date”. Yet, I still stuck to my guns on our initial agreement of no pictures. Err… well I’d seen pictures of him, he insisted he didn’t need pictures of me and I held him to that.

So if I really needed to, I could show up and see him and walk out and he wouldn’t be the wiser.

We agreed to meet at a locally owned bar downtown. He got there before I did, and texted me that he’d arrived. I walked in a few minutes later, and searched the bar for his face. I didn’t see him at first, then as I walked further inside, I saw his profile.

He turned to look at me as I pulled up a chair; I looked at his face and said to myself, “Oh yes.. yes yes yes.”

He’s tall, though not as tall as I’d imagined 6’4 would be, and he’s pretty damn cute.  In certain lights, he’s cute & attractive, in others he’s motherfucking hot.  He’s no twig man either, and bulky enough that I had absolutely no fear of breaking him… but not so bulky that I was afraid of being broken myself.

So I sat down and we talked. For the first 30-40-50-120 minutes or so, I can’t tell you what we talked about.

See my inner-monologue was going… “Kiss me!” “I wonder if he’ll kiss me?” “Oh shit, what if he thinks I’m ugly?” “Damn it kiss me”

Then once when he was done talking with his hands, he rested his forearm on the table touching my forearm.

“Does that mean he likes me? I mean… fucker! kiss me already!!”

Have I mentioned before that I have little patience?

Somewhere after that.. I can’t tell you how long, because I suck at the passage of time when I’m waiting for hot men to kiss me. Hell, I suck at the passage of time most days anyway, but distract me with a hot man.. and I’m completely useless with time… He kissed me.

I’d love to tell you that the first kiss was a knock-your-socks-off kiss. It wasn’t. We had some negotiating to do. He likes to start kisses with his mouth open. I like to start kisses with my mouth closed with passion progressing to open.

He changed his kissing style to mine, nearly immediately. (Smart man)

From then on out that evening, it was a mobile make-out session. PDA and everything, as I showed him around the downtown bar scene which as it turns out neither of us really cared about.  I’d be surprised if he could tell you which bars we went to or what they looked like. We were kinda.. well… preoccupied.

He was a gentleman the entire time… despite our PDA sessions.. opening doors, holding my hand, arm around me, and took charge of getting drinks or whatever else needed tending to. He did this adorable thing of kissing my forehead now and then, and his shoulder is just at the right height for me to rest my head against.

He also was very conscious the entire weekend about making sure I was taken care of.. safe.. and comfortable. More so, than any man has ever been my entire life. It was strange, exciting, encouraging, and in some ways like walking into some kind of storybook.

Anything I needed.. any complaints.. suggestions.. whatever.. and he (not always without complaint though) did his best to make sure I was happy and content… if not jubilant.

To understand the full extent of the testing he went through, you’d have to know a whole lot more about me.. but let me say this.. I am not an easy person to date when it comes down to reality. The hoops you have to jump through in order to be with me in any kind of daily way are pretty big. Even after this weekend of “Dating Maruska 101” crash course, he still seems willing to stay in the running. I was pretty damn sure that would scare him off.

We still have a few things to iron out, and work through. We’re still keeping things open and casual until then.. but there’s hope.. that maybe.. some day.. this might turn out to be something great.

Aug 102010

It’s been 1 year and roughly 9 months since I’ve been a “we”, and yet I keep finding myself saying “Oh yes we used to..” when referring to things that would happen when I was married.  Its like that time period is sentenced to the “we” vocabulary.

In all honesty, it seems kinda weird and a little bit insulting to my ex, for me to refer to things like “our house” as “my house” during that time period. Same goes for pest problems.. in conversations where people are talking about their pest problems and wanting to know a local company that does good work.. I often just automatically say “Well we used to have problems with them until we used…”  Because it was a “we” problem and not just a me problem. It never was my house, it was always our house.

Funny thing though is this isn’t just a problem with my ex.. I’ve had this problem with other people I’ve lived with.. including former ex’s, roomates, and even my best friend.

I’d be out on a date and the guy would ask me about something referring to my past or past apartments or something.. and I’d automatically say “Oh yeah, we…”

In which he’d instantenously get that flash across his face of “Wait.. is she single? Who is this we?”

Which would then start a discussion of who is that “we”.. and depending on the memory triggered.. one “we” could be a completely different pair than any other “we” I said.

I suppose I could clarify things by saying “My old roomate and I” or “My ex and I” or “My ex Jason and I” or “My ex Bill and I”.. but that might actually be worse as depending on the number of old memories triggered, I might end the night with a list of ex’s and old roomates as long as my arm. I can’t imagine that would be good.

I really should work on this “we” thing I suppose… but it just seems wrong… like I’m cutting out parts of pictures in my mind.. editing memories.. faking history.

Or I suppose I could just try to keep my damn mouth shut and not tell any stories that start with “We”… but .. knowing me, thats pretty much damn impossible.

Aug 022010

Well this weekend was quite the WTF weekend.

For starters, Friday night I went out with some friends. One of which, Getty is completely obsessed with strip clubs, and now is obsessed with being someone’s Fag Hag. She also just got a 666 tatoo, so we’re all a little WTF worried about her.

I honestly think she’s gay, she’s just not done anything or much of anything yet.

So to get out of going with her to the gay club.. I’ve never been to one, and the one she wanted to go to.. I could just tell that it wasn’t going to be my kind of place at all.  I called a friend to see what they were doing, and invited them to come with us.

They were drunk and stuck at a closing restaurant.. so they hopped at the idea and I became the DD. They agreed to be buffers at the Gay Lounge.

The Gay Lounge was.. on a Friday night at 9pm.. rather bare… er empty. Those that were there were the older gay men upper 40’s and higher. The bar itself looked like something you’d catch disease in. It was decorated in what I’d call “Gay Hick” as it resembled more of the country biker dive bars than it did anything remotely gay, though it did have twinkle lights, so I guess thats something. The only way I knew it was close to gay was the dress code. Men were dressed country, but in such a manner that would have caused any true hetero country man to get his ass beat.  It was a little bit like lumberjack or the marlboro man meets Prince. (If you’re thinking WTF, so was I)

I wanted to flee the moment we walked into the bar, but to be polite to Getty, we stayed for a drink. I drank it fast. And we decided to move onto somewhere else. Getty stayed.

Anyway, the remaining 3 of us… Rick, Roma, and I.. all go barhopping. We stop first at a bar that I hate. Roma wants to say happy birthday to a friend of hers. Neither of them had been to that bar before so they only had my word on how lame it was. I don’t think they believed me.

We drive up, and they exclaim. “Holy crap, you weren’t joking. Do they hand out douchebag badges here?” “Is it buy one douchebag get one free night?”

We park anyway and go in. Roma goes to say Hi to her friend, and I follow her.  It is then that my path is blocked by a drunk guy who has his back to me but keeps moving to block my way.. I assume unintentionally… but nevertheless he bumps into me repeatedly.

He then turns to look at me, “Oh wow, sorry but your boobs are so big its hard not to bump into you. I like it!”

He then proceeds to try to pick me up. Ewww. WTF?

Rick & Roma spend the entire time we’re there, cracking jokes at the expense of the douchebags and hoochiemamas that populate the place. Its too hilarious. Especially since both of them are never ones to say a bad word about anyone.

We head to the next place.

In which somehow we end up discussing the movie “Secretary” which is one of my all time favorite movies. It’s SOOOOOOOOO hot.  (seriously, watch it with me and you’ll get laid.. well if you’re a guy and I find you even remotely attractive.)

I honestly do have quite a few friends who are into BDSM type things, and for those that know me well (or at least read in depth on here)… you know I border on it too.  I dabble at best. It requires a LOT of trust.. which I find nearly impossible to obtain that level of trust needed in someone else. Maybe someday.

Anyway, Rick, Roma and I discuss it. We discuss the people in it.. people we know.. people we’ve met. Roma is all sorts of uncomfortable and blushing. Rick and I quickly see that she’s an innocent. Rick also quickly sees that I am not. Oops outted myself.

One of these days I’m going to be able to watch my tongue. Luckily neither of these people care what I do, as long as I’m safe and safe about it… which is not something most people ever worry about with me.

We headed home. Woke up Saturday morning with my throat swollen and sore. Luckily I was breathing fine, but my ears & throat were on fire, my body ached, and movement of any kind left me dizzy. I was also a little nauseated. Not a normal thing, but pretty sure it was an allergic reaction to something. I’m blaming the Ace Pear Cider, but I don’t know. (again, WTF?)

So I spend all day in bed and on Twitter and other things I can do laying in bed not moving. Ended up taking a good 5 hour nap, on top of the 9 hours sleep I had. My head hurt, but I could type.

So on twitter, I flirt with some English dude. He’s pretty hot for an English dude, and I tell him that. I ask if he’s single. He is.

He offers to come visit Austin for a week. Once clarified that I’d only be obligated to meet him for drinks or lunch or something once… and not entertain him for the entire week.. I agree, but found it creepy and weird. WTF?

Turns out I find the one attractive dude in England who is single, and has friends in Austin that he’s not seen in a while.

He’s booking his trip.

Jul 222010

Last night, I went to a networking gathering. Ok it was a seminar with networking attached to it.. or networking with a seminar attached.. whatever. The point is that I went out where people were, and ran into.. Hock.

For those of you who don’t know the Hock story, I do recommend seeking the archives from end of April to mid-May. For those that do remember the idiot that thought a one-night stand allowed him to treat me like an all-hours on-call secret sex shop…

This is the first I’ve seen Hock since the hockey game, and honestly I have no idea why I thought he was attractive.

He looked bad. I wasn’t all that lovely myself.. I didnt’ really do my hair and my makeup was less than perfection, but boy howdy did he look bad.

His hair looked thin at the top. He was clearly unshaven. He looked disheveled and sloppy. He also looked like he’d put on a good 20 lbs in all the wrong places.

Add to that.. that he didn’t even bother to acknowledge my presence or that he knew me. (probably a good thing) And he walked around with his normal arrogant ways of being, though avoiding me with great effort. (Seriously, I was standing next to a girl that’s his friend, and he didn’t go over to stay hi to her until I left her side.. which was about 45 minutes or so later, and only ventured over cautiously once just to say goodbye, because I was still within 5 feet of her.)

I think he’s scared of me. MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! Asshole.

I did however spend most of the night talking with some great people, and getting some really great connections (personal and professional).  At one point, I found myself surrounded by sexy geeky men doing geek talk. They were talking about physics theories and facts and whatnot that was a little over my head.. but damn thats sexy.

One of them was married. The hottest one of course. He flirts with me, but I honestly can’t tell if its just innocent married male flirting or if he’s toying with the idea of a girl on the side. (Sadly, he’s hot enough that I would be tempted. I know that makes me evil.. But when someone like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or Hugh Jackman walks up to you and attempts to seduce you.. do you really care that much if they’re married? Ok.. fine.. yes yes we do.. damn it.)

There were two other geeky guys there that I think are single. I didn’t ask. One is a very sexy younger geeky boy-man. He said maybe two words. Both of which I think were his name. He might be 25 if he’s lucky. The other was older, maybe 40+? and very geeky and much less sexy.. I didn’t talk to him much.. so that could change, I mean if he really can talk geek fluently I might could overlook the skeletal frame he has, which honestly was his only real issue.

If I feel like the chances of breaking you is pretty great just by having sex.. it severely lessens my attraction to you. Severely.

It’s also a bad sign.. if I feel the need to feed you.

Jul 162010
Death Valley or Vegas? Hmmm

Death Valley or Vegas? Hmmm

I got in a conversation yesterday on Twitter about men chasing women.

Now when I think of chasing, I think of CHASING.. He’s after HER. Meaning that he is putting in a whole ton of effort to get HER. Not someone like her, not just someone around him, but her in particular. He’s set his sights and made his decision.

This is not the same as Chasing Tail, which any man will do whenever there is tail to be had (unless he’s already committed to a particular tail, has religious or ethical reasons to abstain, or has tail of his own already). Chasing Tail is simply that. The purpose is soley to get tail.

This conversation began as a chasing women conversation, then ended as a “Why aren’t men chasing me?” question.

The woman put out self-descriptive words like “quality”, “drama free”, “Worth it”, “deserve”, “good heart”. I’m not even going to go into the multiple tweets she went into with her statements & questions. Using at least 4 tweets to state her point. She obviously was fired up and unable to contain herself to the medium’s constrictions.

Her frustration was palpable, and my stress on the other end of it was nearly tangible.

That kind of frustration… no matter how well you hide it.. is like a perfume that surrounds you. Only its more like “Eww De Angry” than “Eau De Lovely”.

And yes I get that she was talking to me.. a girl.. and not to some guy somewhere that she was trying to charm.

But I got that “Eww De Angry” scent from her first tweet to me. Men pick up on this shit. Seriously. They have extremely hightened senses of “Angry Woman” and once they sniff it, they just start running.

You can’t blame men for not wanting you. You can’t be angry for being alone. It doesn’t do you any good. It solves nothing. And men are no more to blame for you being alone than you are to blame for not dating the homeless man on the corner.

The problem for most of us women is that we like to shoot ourselves in the foot. We either go for people we know darn good and well aren’t going to work, thus proving to ourselves that relationships don’t work or that we suck at relationships, or that we deserve less than we do.  Or we set our standards so high there isn’t a possiblity of any real man ever being able to measure up.

Trust me, I’m guilty of all three.. oh wait that was only 2. yeah I’m guilty of two… [insert whistling]… Yep only two. We also like to nag the crap out the poor unfortunate guy we do choose until he leaves us.

We often choose self-fullfilling prophesies rather than accept the realities. In this, we also think we can change men.. you can affect his happiness, you cannot change the man. The man changes himself.. or not.  Also you end up changing yourself.  It’s like fitting a square peg in a round hole. We try and try and try, but it never fits.  We often instead of embracing that square peg for what it is, we insist that it fit the round hole we built. Sorry, but that doesn’t work. Been there, done that, I’ve got the burns to prove it.

Men.. choose women who let them be who they are, and love them for it. That said, men choose women who they percieve let them be who they think they are, and love them despite the faults that the men think they have. Men are insecure little creatures too. Some men perceive themselves to be super heros and want a woman who lets them be that way. Some men perceive themselves to be shit on the shoe of women, and choose women who help them feel that way. Most men are more moderated than that in which they need a touch of being her hero, and a touch of being the shit on her shoe… 100% adoration all the time gets old fast, as does 100% distain.

In reality, we all want someone who helps sharpen us a person, and loves us as we are. We just might not always percieve ourselves in our true light, and its hard to find someone who really sees the real us… and still loves us.

But back to the red flags:

“I’m quality” “I’m worth it” “I deserve” – Any time I hear anyone say these, I tune out. Really I do. They’re unsubstantiated ego-puffer words. They only puff the ego of the person saying it. To every one else, it comes out as arrogant or hiding insecurity. Neither are attractive.  They also trigger the opposites.. if you are quality that also means you think others aren’t. If you’re worth it, that also means you think others aren’t. It’s pretty judgy, and people reading it will auto-pilot to judging themselves and think you are judging them too.

“Drama free” – If you have to say it, you’re not. Just be who you are. Everyone has a little drama in them. So please.. everyone.. just stop saying this. Sure sure we all know the drama queens, but no one is completely drama-free… and usually those that claim to be, are drama enablers who live on others drama. To openly claim drama-free, means you have drama on the mind. You’re sick of it, because you’re around it. I will run from you like the wind.

“I have a good heart” – This is a lot like the “nice guy” claims. Just makes me cringe inside. If you really have a good heart, people will see it.  I mean, I’ve got a good heart, but I also secretly plot evil things in my head. I might be the girl that will help you carry your grocery bags to your apartment, but I’m also plotting how to make your favorite shirt (that I hate) disappear. We all have good hearts (well unless you’re a sociopath or something), instead just do things that prove it. Don’t tell us, do it.

But most of all, relax, have fun, and just be yourself. Don’t care if they like you, just be who you are. If you are truly worth it to them, they’ll bite. If you’re not, they won’t. You only really want someone who wants you anyway. So only worry about the ones that bite. The rest don’t matter.

(and if no one.. absolutely no one is biting.. the problem is you.. you’re either not seeing the bites, looking for bites in the wrong places, or you’ve got some other issue that needs fixing.)