Dec 272011
 

When a man tells you who he is, you should really listen the first time. However, since first impressions aren’t always accurate, I decided to give Mr. Cheap from last friday a second chance.

 

Mostly I did so because he seemed very very interested in seeing me again, and didn’t seem to be just out for sex.

 

He wanted to get together Christmas Eve after he had dinner with his father, and I told him we’d see. I didn’t promise him anything. He called me around 9:30pm to see if I wanted to go out. Since we didn’t know what was open, he offered that we should go to his place for drinks.

 

Sounds like he wanted me over for sex right? Yep, thats what I thought too. By the time 9:30 rolled around, I wasn’t really wanting to go anywhere so I told him that I wasn’t comfortable enough with him to go to his apartment. Normally when I meet a man who just wants sex, I would have heard grumbling or trying to talk me into it. He didn’t balk at it all, but simply respected my decision. He did tease later that it would be a better night for him if I’d come over for a drink, and honestly, I probably would have thought him a little bit of a pussy if he hadn’t thrown in a little bit of a try.

 

We decided to try again on Christmas day if my Christmas party ended early. It didn’t. I ended up drinking a lot and not getting home till 2am.  So I asked about Monday. He called on Monday and we talked a little bit, but he was tired so we decided on Tuesday.. today.. to go for coffee. He wanted to meet during the day since he had the day off.

 

Now if he really only wanted sex, he’d have met me at night right? Anyway, we’d talked several times during the weekend and he was always respectful and never brought up sex nor once did he even attempt anything raunchy. He started to grow on me, and I could begin to see what kind of life we might have together. He also was very considerate of my issues. He seemed to accept them as just part of me, and not a detriment.

 

A couple things though had started to bug me. He didn’t seem at all open to new ideas from me. I’m not sure if he thought of them as criticism, but it wasn’t. Just a new approach to what he was doing, or feeling out the limits of his interests in his hobby. He also seemed less inclined to do something if it wasn’t his idea or within his “time frame” but these were pretty subtle so I wasn’t sure if it was just differences in communication or external conflicts that I wasn’t aware of at the time.

 

Anyway, we met today for coffee. I haven’t been feeling well due to allergies, and so he told me to take my time. He had some work to do and I could just show up whenever, he also mentioned that after coffee we should go to dinner. (Really awesome way to handle me btw. Loved it.) So I took my time getting ready and showed up around an hour later, a time estimate I had told him to expect.

 

I arrive and he greets me happily with a hug, and he walks with me up to the counter as I order my coffee. I take this as a good sign.  We have to wait in line to order, and we talk a bit. When I get to the front of the line, the server asks me what I want, and I order. He hangs back and waits “in line” till the other server is free and orders his refill from the other server. He doesn’t even attempt to pay for my coffee, which he could have done so easily as the servers both thought we were together. (This is strike two, and I’m a little ticked off. My coffee was a whole $1.75)

 

We sit down and have a working date. He’s working on his stuff, and I’m working on my stuff, applying for jobs and whatnot. Yes, he is well aware that I am looking for work. He is just not well aware of how broke I really am. (I still am about $400 short for January’s rent, and I still don’t know how I’m going to come up with it.)

 

An hour or so later, he asks if I’m ready to get some food. I say I am, and we start discussing places to go. He wants to go to an overpriced cafe, and I want to do a pizza place nearby. We decide on the pizza but it’s closed when we arrive. So we end up going to a burger place nearby. (Worst burgers in town by far btw)

 

We enter and walk up to order. He orders first, and the cashier asks, “Are these together or separate?”

 

He quickly answers, “Separate.”

 

(Strike three.)

 

So I order my burger combo. A whole $7 meal. I sit down and I’m severely disappointed in him.

 

My memory floats back to our first “date” where he mentions how careful he is with his money and how he’s managed to pay down his mortgage significantly. I call him a “Cheapskate” in my head several times, and start to really see him as selfish.

 

We get along well though, and I can see us being friends. As we leave and say goodbye, he gives me a huge hug and refuses to let go. He’s hugging me tight and massaging my back slightly. When he does finally release me a little, he moves in for a kiss. He kisses pretty well, so it’s not a total loss I guess.

 

He however has been removed from any kind of long-term dating viability. I won’t be going “out” with him again. We may possibly become friends with benefits, but we won’t be “dating”… he may not be aware of this decision. I have no idea what is going through his mind, but that is what is going through mine.

 

I may use him for sex… maybe… we’ll see. Otherwise, he’s in the “just friends” category and he won’t be getting out.

 

Done.

Mar 152011
 

Tonight was frustrating. I started out at an event hosted by an awesome friend, and I half drop by just to see her.. and half drop by because it’s free food and I’m poor.

Anyway, I run into this girl that I know.. who says we must go drinking together and that she’s all mine tonight. Next thing I know she’s agreeing to stay for drinks, and putting me off.. making me wait.. wait .. wait.. OH and there’s this girl I don’t know that we’re waiting for.. before we can go “party”.

Great.

Well it turns out the waiting was worth it as we ended up at a free party I wouldn’t have attended otherwise. Free Drinks. Free Food. Free Ice Cream.

Yes, if I haven’t gained 10 pounds from all the “free” stuff this SXSW I’ll be shocked.

Anyway, she introduces me to a ton of people… half of which I don’t remember now.

Anyway, I go to refresh my drink (for free mind you.. how awesome is that? – Thanks Google btw, oh and for the free glow in the dark glass) and in front of me a guy turns around and starts to talk to me.

Then he starts to flirt, and when I ask, he says he’s alone as his other compatriots have left for other venues. So I introduce him to our “crowd” as it was.

He spends the entire time talking only to me. He mentions having had a profile recently on OkCupid, and I mention that I have one as well.

It comes time to refresh drinks, and he asks to refresh mine, but I decide to just go with him. I’m nice like that.. plus I wanted alone time with him.

He was geeky. An IT lawyer. Cute. Smart. And loved Office Space and could quote the Princess Bride. (I wanted to lock him in the nearest basement)

We talk about my work, and he says clearly several times that he needs “private tutoring” in a flirty joking but not really joking flirt.

We refill our drinks and return the group. Most of the group then decides to go to a bar far far away, so Geek-lawyer, Mike and I stay.

As things go.. we run into some friends of mine. They greet me with open arms.. they’re also all male.. and they’re also completely platonic friends. But Mr Lawyer doesn’t know that.

Hee heee heeee

Anyway, eventually I tell Mr Lawyer off to the side that these guys are friends of mine and that they’re like little brothers to me.

He obviously relaxes. No question about it, he sighs relief.

The party and free booze has ended, so we head to the next “free booze” party. He makes a point to stay by my side the entire way and look out for me.

We get there.. and I run to the toilet. The last party only had portapotties so I was waiting for real toilets and crossing my legs.

I get back, and he’s waiting for me. I grab a free drink, and we tackle the party together. We spent most of the time talking one on one.

At one point though, he points out a “nemesis” which is talking to a friend of mine. So I break up that conversation.

Nemesis and Lawyer end up in a conversation.

Nemesis: “Yes the wife and I…” blah blah blah-bity-blah “How about you? Any kids?”

Lawyer “yes, I have a 6 yr old and an 18 month old” (this is the first he’s brought up kids and he seems to be watching my expression for “running away” looks.)

He doesn’t mention a wife, but merely mentions kids.. so I’m good.

It’s shortly after this point that I realize this guy is being awfully attentive without being handsy. Which is usually a good sign that a guy is used to relating to women within the confines of a committed relationship. He was always checking in with me, and making sure I was happy.

I did have a guy be attentive and handsy… and Mr Lawyer seemed quite in a rush to part me from that guy (that guy was hotter than Lawyer btw).

But I realize.. despite giving Lawyer several opportunities to touch me or take things to another level.. he doesn’t and seems to avoid it.

It is then I start to pay attention to his hands and look for the ring.

His ring hand suddenly always seems to be in his pocket and when it was visible it was behind his other hand. Odd.

We head to another party. We’re crossing a busy street and he lags behind.

Suddenly he shows up beside me and offers me a gold bangle-bracelet. “Here this is a symbol of my undying love for you.”

I know full-well he just saw it on the street and picked it up to give to me. He actually risked getting run over by a car to do it as well.

It was a sweet gesture, and I gladly put it on my wrist.. pretending to believe his claim of undying love as all good flirty girls who have been plied with free alcohol do.

Then we get to the next bar. I’d been standing non-stop for nearly 5 hours, so I took a seat. He asked if I wanted anything.

“Spaten Dunkel.. if they have it.”

He said they did.. but never ordered it. He got caught up in conversation with some stranger.

I went to the toilet. When I came back he was glad to see me, and wanted to make sure I wasn’t being neglected. I put him at ease, and got distracted talking to someone else. He moved off in a conversation with someone else as well.

Then I decide .. F’this.. Lets see what he does.

So I walk over and boldly put my arm around his waist through the “arm hole” he’s made by putting his hand in his pocket. He doesn’t complain, but also never removes his hand from his pocket nor puts his arm around me.

At this point, I am watching like a hawk for this ring. Sure enough, I finally see it.

He never took it off, just was very good at always having that ring finger out of sight. He continued to hide his hand the rest of the night, until Mike, Lawyer, some other girl, and I left looking for pizza. (or at least thats what Lawyer said he wanted to find.)

We end up going a few doors down to another bar. Lawyer & Mike get our drinks, while the girl & I sit down at a table.

Lawyer: “What would you like to drink? Vodka on the rocks, right?” (He gets bonus points for actually wanting to buy me a drink, and for listening… it’s an attractive trait in any man.)

Me: “Aww thanks, but just water please.” (It was nearly 2am when the bars close, and I needed to drive home.)

He and Mike return to the table with 3 shots and my water, only Lawyer doesn’t sit next to me, he sits next to the girl. Mike sits next to me, and both of them pay complete attention to this girl.

I watch Lawyer’s hands to see if he slips up again with his always absent left hand. The girl is sitting on his right, and for the first 10 minutes we sat there, his left hand stayed in his pocket out of sight.

Then suddenly, Lawyer and the girl are holding hands for a second. Then he brings out his left hand.

It had to be on purpose. It had been so elusive all night, and suddenly now its making a big display as he clasps his hands before him and rests them on the table making certain that his left hand is out for full view of the ring on his finger.

It’s now 2am and we get kicked out of the bar. I barely get a “nice to meet you” as he walks away. Doesn’t even bother to walk me to my car, or linger at all. Just waves and walks away.

The Ceelo song runs through my mind… “Fuck you.. and uh, Fuck her too!”

(Seriously if you’re going to pretend all fucking night that we’re awesome friends and inseparable, at least have the decency to act like a good friend at least when we part goodnight.)

Nov 162010
 

The other night I actually went out. Yes yes you can stop gasping in semi-faux shock now. Also, I’m starting to want to date again.  So yes that also means I’m feeling better.

Now back to the story!

After two days of ditching outings that I hadn’t really committed to, but planned to go to anyway, I really needed to get out of the house if only just to prove to myself that I could in fact get out of the house.

Plus it was an outing with Huew for the icing on the cake.

It ended up being the best night I’ve had in a long while and yet left me feeling very sad at the end. It is probably a good example of why I am still single.

The event was at a club that I really want to love as it’s based on a part of my cultural heritage that isn’t very well represented in Austin, but every time I’ve gone there its been either boring because no one is there or boring because you can’t move or talk to people because its too crowded. The layout leaves a lot to be desired.

The place was empty with the exception of our group. Huew greeted me as is his job as host, and we talked for a while. We talked with others, each other, and more to each other. We engaged in sexy banter.. which I clearly got the impression that I am not his type, and yet he swung it back to maybe I am.

Let me explain:
He saw this girl getting out of a booth not far away. She was dressed in a red/black bustier with itty bitty lace skirt and leggings. She was a larger woman with big breasts, so there was a whole ton of skin showing in the chest area. The bustier was also not well fitted for such a large bosom, and gave the impression that the boobs could roll out at any moment, but they did not.

He said, “Woah
I replied, “What’s wrong?
He did his best not to look back at her, but said, “That’s just too much”
I teased, “What you don’t like that?” (I knew full well what he was getting at, but I wanted him to say it.)
He said, “Not…*verbal fumbling*..
I again teased, “Oh sure, well.. I’ll just have to remember not to wear that when you’re around, its ok.
He smiled, “Well, at home you do right?
I laughed “Oh of course, all the time. But it’s be too much for you.
He tried to back track, “Well in public.. and well.. on.. ”
I shot him a quizzical look.
Maybe on someone smaller it’d be ok.
(Ah see there’s the gist of it.) I attempted to not look offended. The woman, other than nearly spilling out of her top, looked fan-freaking-tastic, and I admired her courage to wear it.
Uh huh… I’ll just remember not to wear such things when you’re around.” I threw in a smile and a slight wink for good humor.
well maybe for a costume party or something it’d be ok.. and of course at home

The conversation was interrupted at that point by drunk skinny chick which Huew informed me had barely had one cocktail. Which lead to Huew and I sharing drunk stories. Huew blacks out if drunk enough. I just often wish I would have; there are things I do drunk that I’d rather not remember I did.

The party then moves to another location suggested to us by the party girl. I really don’t like this girl. She’s nice. So I don’t really have any reason to dislike her personally, but she’s one of those girls that preys on men. She has to have a man. If she doesn’t bring one, she’ll find one there. She’ll get them all to buy her drinks, and do things for her. She never drives anywhere. A mutual friend of ours has told me that she’ll call everyone she knows and make up stories so she doesn’t have to drive. (I suppose in a way I’m probably jealous of her tenacity at selfishness.)

We get there, and we all place ourselves at a small table. We’d lost a few people in the transition, but there were a good seven or eight of us left. I sit down, and Huew sits next to me. We talk a bit and flirt. He complains because the band isn’t on yet, and that we’d arrived during a break. I told him that it was a good time to get to know everyone in the group. He saw my point, but replied.

But I already know you.
No you don’t.
Well, we’re friends on Facebook. So I know you.

I fake sighed and pretended to be offended that he thought getting to know me was boring. He tried to dig himself out of that hole. He of course was flailing and failing at that.

Well we can switch seats if you want, so you can get to know her” I offered as I pointed to the girl next to me.
He smiled, “No no, you’re ok where you are.
I looked at him feigning  frustration. “Ok, so really, you’re just not going to stop complaining until the band comes on?
He smiled and replied, “well yeah
I laughed. “Alright, then to even things out, I’m going to start complaining once the band comes on. You know, for balance.”
He laughed.

The band came on, and it wasn’t his kind of music. It was 40’s & 50’s R&B. Stuff I like. Well mostly stuff I like to sing to, but still stuff I like. So he still bitched, but I ignored his complaints and enticed him out on the dance floor.

It was then I got hit on. A nice bald man was dancing with one of the other girls from our group and she introduced us. He seemed all over me like I was the most beautiful women in the room. He then offered to buy us drinks. She ordered a vodka cranberry, and I wanted a vodka on the rocks. He then leaned in and asked what vodka I wanted. I nearly said “Any is fine” but thought better. My luck he’d bring me back some Absolut which I just cannot abide. So I said, “The well here isn’t bad, either that or Ketel One.” He told me that he wouldn’t subject me to well vodka but that he’d be back with Ketel One.

So I figured he really liked me, or he was crazy. A few minutes later after I thought he’d headed to the bar, he was again dancing with the other girl a few feet from me.

I thought, “Yeah, I’m betting he’s crazy”

I didn’t take long to ponder it, as they ran into me again, and he went off to get us drinks. As soon as he left, we were surrounded by two other men wanting to dance with us. They were hot, sexy, and educated. So, hot hot and hot. They were a ton of fun, then Baldy came back with our drinks. And yes, mine was filled with Ketel One.

As soon as Baldy returned though, he escorted the other girl to be alone dancing with him. My crazy alarm went off. I sidled up next to her and whispered for her to be careful with him, and then was spun away into a slow dance with Mr Hot Hot and Hot.  I haven’t slow danced in ages. It was a blast.

After the dance was over, I went to go check on Huew and the others since I’d not seen them in a while. (yeah probably why I’m single)  They’re in another part of the club that is playing rock tunes, and they decide it’s time to leave.

It’s about then that the “other girl” shows up. The one Baldy had swept away. She sees me and runs over.

OMG, you’ve got a sixth sense. He was fucking crazy. I left him to dance with someone else and he wigged out and tried to make me stay with him and started stalking me.” She went on telling me that she’d used Mr Hot Hot and Hot (and his friends) as cover/safety, until Baldy finally went away.

Seriously, any dude that insists on paying premium liquor prices when given the option for cheaper for a stranger that’s just friends with the girl he wants.. crazy assed bastard.

So we run back to the club we were at before. There’s a few more people there, but barely. We hit the dance floor, and I get hit on. (It’s like there’s a sign on my head, “Just back into dating” its possible it could be a “Needs to get laid” sign, but I don’t think I was giving that vibe no matter how true it is.)

His name is Brad, and my lack of interest made him disappear. *POOF* (again, probably why I’m single)

However, not long after that is when Louis showed up. He was cute. Mexican cute. He had that geeky aura, and honestly was right my type.

He was there with his best girlfriend. He explained that she’d just gotten through a bad breakup and he was trying to cheer her up.

Had she not been there, had he not made excuses for why he was with her, had Huew not been there, I’d have been all over Louis. (yes probably another reason I’m single)

Instead, I got into their business. He introduced me to Claudia (pronounced Cloud-ia), and I bent to whisper in her ear, “You know he’s into you right?

She replied back scoffing at the idea, “No, I’m pretty sure he’s into you.

You’re wrong. He really likes you. That’s why he’s here right now.

She didn’t believe me, and she asked him. His initial response was shock, back peddling, and then almost denial.

Oh don’t try to deny it. One or both of you has a thing for other. Ooo Or maybe.. have you two already dated once?

They both quickly said they hadn’t dated. He had met her while she was dating someone else.

Ok, well then.. sorry Louis to out you like this, but Claudia he likes you. I think you like him too. You’re going to have to deal with this sometime.

I go back to dancing. Louis goes back to hitting on me, and I give him just enough encouragement to keep him there.

Then Claudia whispers to me, “You know I think he really likes you.”

I stop dancing turn around, and whisper to her. “Girl, I’ve seen this before. I’ve been there done that from where I am and from where you are. If you like him, you need to take him now before someone like me snatches him up.

They disappeared shortly after that.

About a half hour later, our group decides to leave. Huew is hungry and we decide to go to this 24 hour diner that isn’t far away. That’s when the other guy backs out and says he’s just going home. The other girl left also decides to go home. Huew and I try to talk them into going.

They firmly decline and since they were parked near each other, they walked to their cars together.

Huew and I were parked near each other, and so we walked to our cars together as well.

As we’re walking, we talk about the night and how it went. It comes to the point where he wants to veer off course to his car.

Where are you parked?
Just over there..” I point.
Are you ok making it there by yourself?
Sure. You still wanting to get something to eat?” I say hopefully.
Naw, I’ll just grab some Jack in the Box or something.
Oh ok” I try to say as if it didn’t matter to me.

This is how I know we’re just friends. No guy who likes a girl would refuse to spend one on one time with her while it was still in the non-pressure non-date setting.

Guess I can hope that Louis and Claudia don’t work out, and he *poofs* into my path again.

Sep 052010
 

So… I went out on this date last night. Well I think it was a date? A “meet & greet” so to speak. I probably should have canceled.. but I couldn’t in good conscience.

See.. we’d been trying to get together for a month now, and every time he’d ask me to join him somewhere.. I was busy. No no.. not dodging him busy, but actually had real plans already set up that I couldn’t get out of for one reason or another.

So when he asked me about this weekend and my schedule was completely empty for once, I told him he had first choice of when we’d meet. I planned on being there with bells on after the pain in the ass I’d been so far.

Then yesterday morning happened.

I woke feeling like crap. My stomach hurt like I’d eaten something rotten. I checked my calendar, and according to schedule, I wasn’t due for the monthly visit for a couple more days. Phew.

So I get up and run to the toilet thinking that I must just have gotten into something bad the night before and tried to jog my brain on what it might be.

No no.. no such luck. I’d started my monthly. Gotta love timing. Somebody somewhere really loves me.

The first day of my monthly .. at least 6 hours of it usually.. is spent in horrid pain. Normally I just cancel any plans I’ve made for that day which would require me to be happy, charming, and fun. Because:

A. I’m either going to still be in excruciating pain, and I’m not that great of an actress to be happy and charming while I feel like a gerbil is ripping up my insides.

B. I’m going to be unbelievably exhausted from the 6 hours of a gerbil ripping up my insides, and find it impossible to be charming while quelling the urge to curl up in the nearest chair and sleep.

So I really debated canceling my date. But since I’d been such a pain in the ass to make plans with in the first place, I couldn’t imagine him believing me that I needed to cancel without him taking it personally.

So I didn’t cancel.  My pain wore off about 2 hours before we were to meet, and I was exhausted. I was walking around my apartment trying to get ready with all the ability of a zombie. It took me 45 minutes to do my hair and makeup which normally takes me about 20 max. In my sleepy haze, I lost track of time and ended up being a good 15 minutes late.

I now have it on my “life rules” list that I will cancel any future dates that happen to land on the starting day of my monthly.

I arrive and it quickly becomes clear to me that I’ve got about 5 braincells still working, and that’s all I can muster. Just enough that I don’t sound like a complete moron and I’m not yawning, but not enough to truly be my normal entertaining self.

The first sign of this was my complete inability to read the wine menu, comprehend it, and place an order in a timely manner. My date was chatting with me and talking and asking questions, and honestly that was about the limit to my cognitive abilities to be able to listen to him and respond with semi-charming responses.

I swear it took me about a half hour to order a glass of wine.

The guy was great though. Charming. Fun. and not as bad on the eyes as I feared he might be… ok, he’s kinda cute.

At the end of the date, he mentioned that he was dead tired and needed to head home. I agreed and said I was dead tired as well.

He might have been making excuses to end the evening.. I didn’t really care at that point. Ok I did care a little, but I was dead, and welcomed the excuse to go home.

I barely made it driving the 15 minutes home without falling asleep. I got home, tore my clothes off, and fell into bed.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sep 032010
 

Today I was doing “cleaning” to prepare for company next week. I’m actually working on those New Years resolutions, as well as moving things around to make the apt as spacious as possible.

I’ve still got a crapload of boxes from the house. I counted the other day about 5 boxes, maybe more, of Christmas decorations. A few boxes that contain some old glassware I’m not ready to part with. A few boxes have some very nice vintage collectors dishes and serving bowls which I don’t have room in this apartment to display or use. There’s the “Tower” of old board games. The boxes of old writings, old yearbooks, old pictures.. a box of a variety of tablecloths (which I just managed to uncover and store them in a useful spot, finally). I’m not even going to go into the many many books I have, or the closets (yes plural) of clothes.

It’s too much stuff, and the more I go through it.. the more stuff I get rid of..

But also the more memories it jogs.

See.. Today while sorting through some junk, I found a folded up napkin which I almost just tossed in the trash until I thought..

“Wait! This is me that packed this box. I don’t just throw crap in my boxes. Why in the hell would have I kept a worn out napkin?”

So I unfolded the napkin. I probably haven’t unfolded that napkin in a good 10 years. I honestly had forgotten that it even existed.

On the inside of the napkin were some scribbles. Real handwriting. A boys name. His phone number. Some doodles. And his email address.

The memories of Rudy came back to me. I remembered how it felt when he gave me his contact information and how excited I was. He was finally interested. In me!

I remembered so vividly that feeling of joy, and the wonderful but brief times we’d spent together that I immediately looked him up on Facebook to see if he was there. He was, and his status was single.

I took it as a sign that fate was smiling on me, and I added him. The joy of the memories flooded through my mind as I waited to see if he’d accept the connection. Most of the memories were remembering the emotions of our previous connection, how well we’d gotten along..

Then he accepted the connection, and the fantasy of him suddenly became more real. The joyous memories suddenly leaked into the bad ones. The romanticized memories faded into more honest accounts of exactly how we were.. how I was back then..

I remembered what it was I liked about him. He was opinionated. Harsh, yet sweet. He had standards. Strict high standards. Aspects of personality that I rarely find attractive anymore, and aspects of personality that rarely change in a person.

Was this even going to have a hope of working?

Our History:

One of my first relationships in college was with this guy I’d met in a theatre production. He was geeky, smart, and suave. He knew all the right words, and myself being quite innocent didn’t help much. I thought he hung the moon, and ignored nearly everything else about him. He seemed to know much more than I did, so when he said something I believed him.

About a month into our relationship, he took me to his dorm. It was an all male dorm, and Rudy was his Resident Adviser, RA. He introduced me to Rudy, and for the first time since getting together I wanted to be single.. instantly.

Upon meeting me, Rudy gave me this look of pity and disgust and he tried to hide it, but it was obvious he was judging me solely by my taste in men. He did not like the guy I was seeing, and since I was with him, I was obviously dirt. He wouldn’t even speak to me. It shocked me out of my “love-blinders”.

The guy was seeing was bad news. Not obviously bad news at the start, but bi-polar with a pathological liar streak. It wasn’t until I met his friends, that I really understood just how much untruth he sold me. Needless untruth, simply to make himself look smarter or more interesting or just for shits and giggles. He’d even told his entire dorm quite a few untruths about me.. none of which were flattering.

Rudy doesn’t remember this btw.. not even years later when I did finally get his number.

I lost track of Rudy after that for a few years, until we both were working at Wal-Mart. He’d walk by my section and I’d flirt with him. Day after day I sought him out and we began to develop a friendship. I’d worked on charming him for months before he finally invited me to a small party at his place.

I can’t remember where in this story he wrote down his info on the napkin. I just remember it as a badge of success. A badge of approval. Of being worthy. It was a happiness built on hope, joy, and forgiveness.

The party was small. Just a few of his friends and I hanging out and chatting. It was a great night. I was the last to leave, and we had a short but amazing make-out session.

We saw each other a few more times before he left for a new school in Colorado, but nothing more than that ever happened.

We wrote (email) back and forth for months while he was away. He told me all about his school, work, and efforts. I told him all about mine. I waited for his emails like air. I wanted him. I worked on making myself into the girl he’d want.

I did that a lot back then. Making myself into playdough and shaping myself, my personality, my likes, my dislikes, whatever was needed to get someone to like me.

And Rudy … He never insisted that I change. He’d just walk if there was something that he didn’t like, and I didn’t have enough self-esteem or belief in my own attractiveness to just let him go.

Looking back, I never thought myself as I was.. was ever enough for anyone. (I know its sad.)

Rudy finally did return to town for Christmas. He made time to go out with me. I was so excited. I wanted to pick up where we’d left off. We didn’t have a whole lot of time as he had a bunch of friends to visit and family holidays. I ended up driving (I can’t remember why), as I dropped him off for his next obligation.. we sat in the car and talked for a little bit.. joking around, laughing.. and I leaned over to kiss him, and he stopped me.

“I’m seeing someone in Colorado. I’m sorry.”

You could have heard my heart hit the floor. Months of emails. Months of conversations, and not one mention of this girlfriend.

I was hurt, wounded, and furious.. just the combo needed for me to be a little detrimental to myself. I called up a “friend” for a bootycall. We’d never slept together before because he’d been married, but that was over.. and I figured this was as good of a time as any.

The next day I got a call from Rudy. Somehow he’d found out about my sex-excursion, and he knew full well that his rejection of me instigated it. He didn’t have any nice words to say to me. As it turned out, Rudy was friends with this guy’s ex-wife.. and they weren’t officially divorced yet. (Shocker that I got lied to) Rudy called me some not so nice names. He didn’t care about my side of the story, and said he couldn’t be friends with anyone who would think so little of themselves, and that he never wanted to speak to me again.. and he never did.

For some reason in the back of my head I wanted his forgiveness.. but as I look at things.. I’m not sure I’ve done anything for him to forgive.

If anything.. maybe I should be the one doing the forgiving… and maybe a little more leaving the past alone, and moving forward..

Aug 292010
 

I’ve tried to write on this subject before, but always.. without fail.. it either ends up looking like I’m a huge braggart or like I’ve such little self-confidence that the white coats should be at my door in any moment.

This weekend, someone complimented me. This was not your normal.. “That dress looks good on you.” type of compliment.  This was a very sweet compliment… unsought.. out of the blue. Had it been a guy giving me the compliment, I’d have swooned.

Me and compliments do not get along very well. They always leave me speechless, which often I fear has the tendancy to make it look like I didn’t appreciate it fully or that I’m snooty… aka “Well thanks for noticing I’m awesome” or the similar.

Whats worse is that I’ve a degree in communicating effectively. Much like psychologists are often the worst wackos of the bunch of us… I am relatively the worst in person communication.

Ok.. not the worst.. I’ve seen worse.. just not within the realm of social persons.

In nearly every conversation.. save a few people or topics where I am in my element.. I always feel like I’m all thumbs fumbling for not only what to say but how to express it in the most effective manner in order to evoke the response I want.

It’s possible that so much study has only proven to hamper my abilities by giving me more skills to over think and stress over, in the end causing me to be so overwrought into inaction.

My best conversations are always with people that I could give a Rat’s Ass about what they think of me or my thoughts. Unfortunately, this isn’t often the case… as strangers become loved ones, and you can’t always avoid the inevitable conversations with future bosses, clients, or other influential people in your life.

Eventually, you’ll always end up in some conversation with someone where there is something of value to lose.

And such is my torture.

Funny enough.. my childhood taught me well how to manage being called derogatory names. You can call me nearly anything and I am nearly always quick with a graceful reply or otherwise can handle it with relative ease.

Yet.. you pay me a genuine compliment.. and I’m all sorts of .. Uh.. umm.. Shit what do I say now.  Plus the guilt feeling of having to pay a compliment in return… and when put on the spot, it can be difficult to repay a compliment.

So.. for all of you.. who recognize that I am the awesome person that I am. Thanks. I’m honored that you can see it too.

Oh wait.. damn it…  that sounded snooty again didn’t it? 🙂

Aug 242010
 

As you all know, I go out networking. I go out networking OFTEN. So much so that most of my networking pals are quickly becoming good friends (whether they know.. er like it or not).

The funniest was the other night when I was accosted by one of my favorite married hot men friends. I had barely walked in before he’d pulled me aside and away from everyone.

“What was Jack doing with you the other night?”

Umm Mike and I are good friends… or so I think.. but we’re not THAT good of friends, and I had no idea why he thought I was with Jack. Or why he’d be so frantic about it. Jack barely knows who I am.

“Uh whaaaaaa?”

“Jack, you two were together the other night. He was bragging about it.”

Still completely clueless about what in the hell he was talking about..

“He was what? when? why? huh? I’m totally confused.”

“He told everyone he was with you at your place the other night. Everyone. Didn’t you know? What’s going on?”

I must have looked at him like he was completely off his rocker.

“Uh Jack wasn’t with me. Jack & I have talked like once..”

He interrupts. “No he’s telling everyone..”

I interrupt. “Wait.. wait.. what night was this?”

Turns out it was a huge misunderstanding and an extended joke from the group that Jack and I’d been talking in that last night I’d seen him.

Mike however interpreted the joke as Jack taking advantage of me or tarnishing my honor or my good name.

Once I put two and two together, I couldn’t stop laughing. I probably offended Mike by my incessant laughter, but it was just too funny.

After years of having everyone and their dog assume and accuse me of being some kind of whore, I find it hysterically funny that anyone would want to defend my honor. (Maybe thats just the bitter old woman in me?)

I was however extremely flattered that Mike felt inclined to check on me. He pretends to be a big ass, grumpy and antisocial, but he’s really just a huge sweetheart.  His wife is too, but don’t tell them I said that… I’d hate to ruin their reputation. 🙂

Later that night, I found myself trapped in conversation with a group of geek-boys. Hot young geek-boys. They said they were 23.. or around there. They were new to town and I’d briefly met them earlier in the week. Being the big mama-bear that I am, I felt all protective and wanted to introduce them to people.

I tried, but the more I tried the more they seemed to single me and Roma into conversation. I couldn’t tell if they were doing the divide and conquer… One of them taking me aside so another of them could talk one on one with Roma.. or if the guy talking to me really was that interested. It was hard to tell.

But they would not leave us alone or let the conversation fade. Which was fine with us for the most part as there wasn’t really much of anyone else to talk to, and they were fucking smart and hot. Well the one I was talking to was anyway. I’d end up getting distracted, introducing them to someone walking by, and suddenly he’d engage me in conversation again. I gave the boy plenty of outs to talk to anyone else, and yet he chose me. Roma was having the issue with one of the other boys.

As we walked back to the car, we started sharing notes.

“They really seemed intent on talking to us.”
“I know, it was kinda surreal.”
“Do you think they had any clue how old we are?” (Both of us are a good 14 yrs older than them)
“I don’t know. From the way they were talking to us, I’m pretty sure they thought we were much younger. Or they have that whole “The Graduate” thing going on.”

Roma laughed. We agreed that they had to have thought we were closer to their age. She herself forgets that I’m her age, and instead thinks I’m in my late 20’s.

Not that it matters much. The guy I was talking to was hot enough… dark hair, gorgeous.. looked a bit like the actor on Kyle XY.. which is enough for me.. I mean as long as I’ve ascertained that he’s legal.. and this guy is.

We’ll see if I run into him again.

Aug 172010
 

I was planning on leaving this entire thing out of my blog, but since it was kinda announced on Twitter.. and some people are chomping at the bit to hear how things went.. I feel somewhat obligated to include at least a portion of the events here.

I’m a bit nervous about including these events, because he reads this.. religiously… and thus can see exactly what I’m thinking… which … well… might be a slightly different perspective from what he’s heard straight from me.. worse case might upset him or give him an annoyingly big ego.

So.. here I go at my attempt to be honest with you.. and still keep things within the limits of “Things I’m Willing To Let Him Know”.

To be perfectly honest, up until about a week or so ago, I wasn’t taking his visit very seriously. I was pretty sure he was a harmless nutjob or not ready for dating. Then we got to talking, and I started to care for him more than I planned.

What started as a joke of a “weekend sex-a-thon” suddenly, became more of a “date”. Yet, I still stuck to my guns on our initial agreement of no pictures. Err… well I’d seen pictures of him, he insisted he didn’t need pictures of me and I held him to that.

So if I really needed to, I could show up and see him and walk out and he wouldn’t be the wiser.

We agreed to meet at a locally owned bar downtown. He got there before I did, and texted me that he’d arrived. I walked in a few minutes later, and searched the bar for his face. I didn’t see him at first, then as I walked further inside, I saw his profile.

He turned to look at me as I pulled up a chair; I looked at his face and said to myself, “Oh yes.. yes yes yes.”

He’s tall, though not as tall as I’d imagined 6’4 would be, and he’s pretty damn cute.  In certain lights, he’s cute & attractive, in others he’s motherfucking hot.  He’s no twig man either, and bulky enough that I had absolutely no fear of breaking him… but not so bulky that I was afraid of being broken myself.

So I sat down and we talked. For the first 30-40-50-120 minutes or so, I can’t tell you what we talked about.

See my inner-monologue was going… “Kiss me!” “I wonder if he’ll kiss me?” “Oh shit, what if he thinks I’m ugly?” “Damn it kiss me”

Then once when he was done talking with his hands, he rested his forearm on the table touching my forearm.

“Does that mean he likes me? I mean… fucker! kiss me already!!”

Have I mentioned before that I have little patience?

Somewhere after that.. I can’t tell you how long, because I suck at the passage of time when I’m waiting for hot men to kiss me. Hell, I suck at the passage of time most days anyway, but distract me with a hot man.. and I’m completely useless with time… He kissed me.

I’d love to tell you that the first kiss was a knock-your-socks-off kiss. It wasn’t. We had some negotiating to do. He likes to start kisses with his mouth open. I like to start kisses with my mouth closed with passion progressing to open.

He changed his kissing style to mine, nearly immediately. (Smart man)

From then on out that evening, it was a mobile make-out session. PDA and everything, as I showed him around the downtown bar scene which as it turns out neither of us really cared about.  I’d be surprised if he could tell you which bars we went to or what they looked like. We were kinda.. well… preoccupied.

He was a gentleman the entire time… despite our PDA sessions.. opening doors, holding my hand, arm around me, and took charge of getting drinks or whatever else needed tending to. He did this adorable thing of kissing my forehead now and then, and his shoulder is just at the right height for me to rest my head against.

He also was very conscious the entire weekend about making sure I was taken care of.. safe.. and comfortable. More so, than any man has ever been my entire life. It was strange, exciting, encouraging, and in some ways like walking into some kind of storybook.

Anything I needed.. any complaints.. suggestions.. whatever.. and he (not always without complaint though) did his best to make sure I was happy and content… if not jubilant.

To understand the full extent of the testing he went through, you’d have to know a whole lot more about me.. but let me say this.. I am not an easy person to date when it comes down to reality. The hoops you have to jump through in order to be with me in any kind of daily way are pretty big. Even after this weekend of “Dating Maruska 101” crash course, he still seems willing to stay in the running. I was pretty damn sure that would scare him off.

We still have a few things to iron out, and work through. We’re still keeping things open and casual until then.. but there’s hope.. that maybe.. some day.. this might turn out to be something great.

Aug 102010
 

It’s been 1 year and roughly 9 months since I’ve been a “we”, and yet I keep finding myself saying “Oh yes we used to..” when referring to things that would happen when I was married.  Its like that time period is sentenced to the “we” vocabulary.

In all honesty, it seems kinda weird and a little bit insulting to my ex, for me to refer to things like “our house” as “my house” during that time period. Same goes for pest problems.. in conversations where people are talking about their pest problems and wanting to know a local company that does good work.. I often just automatically say “Well we used to have problems with them until we used…”  Because it was a “we” problem and not just a me problem. It never was my house, it was always our house.

Funny thing though is this isn’t just a problem with my ex.. I’ve had this problem with other people I’ve lived with.. including former ex’s, roomates, and even my best friend.

I’d be out on a date and the guy would ask me about something referring to my past or past apartments or something.. and I’d automatically say “Oh yeah, we…”

In which he’d instantenously get that flash across his face of “Wait.. is she single? Who is this we?”

Which would then start a discussion of who is that “we”.. and depending on the memory triggered.. one “we” could be a completely different pair than any other “we” I said.

I suppose I could clarify things by saying “My old roomate and I” or “My ex and I” or “My ex Jason and I” or “My ex Bill and I”.. but that might actually be worse as depending on the number of old memories triggered, I might end the night with a list of ex’s and old roomates as long as my arm. I can’t imagine that would be good.

I really should work on this “we” thing I suppose… but it just seems wrong… like I’m cutting out parts of pictures in my mind.. editing memories.. faking history.

Or I suppose I could just try to keep my damn mouth shut and not tell any stories that start with “We”… but .. knowing me, thats pretty much damn impossible.

Aug 012010
 

Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn’t think I was that stressed out, but I guess you can have a ton of stress and mentally block it out.

I met with lawyer for my business stuff, because I wanted to make sure I had everything filed that I needed filed… legally. I didn’t want to wake up in few months or a year to find there’s some kind of whatever I didn’t file, and now I’m looking at jail-time or owe the government $5,000 or something in fees. Turns out, I’m good. Phew.

Immediately after that, I got a message that relieved the rest of the stress. This honestly was the much bigger stressor, but combined the two were extremely massive.

But let me start near the beginning.

A few months ago, I ran into and found interesting a guy on Twitter. He seemed smart. He was opinionated (after my ex, opinionated sounds pretty good, it may not be in the long run, but its something new) and had a bit of something “je ne sais quoi” so to speak.

Then he blocked me. WTF? right? I can’t remember the details but I ended up winning myself back into the good graces, and we started a Twitter friendship. We’d chat, and harmlessly flirt.. as he’s going through a divorce, something I can relate.

Then a few weeks ago (maybe longer).. things started to change. He began to flirt a little more seriously with me. He’s not that far away from me, so meeting isn’t an impossibility or at least not a huge deal.

Then about a week or so ago, he jokingly mentioned that he could use a 4 day never-leave-the-bedroom sex romp. I jokingly offered my services. We teased and flirted about it.  Then one thing lead to another and he asked if I’d like to meet.

He offered to come down to Austin. Get a hotel room for a couple nights, and we’d meet and go out. It seemed overkill for a first meeting, as one night in a hotel would probably be sufficient as no one ever really turns out to be exactly like you think they are online. Sometimes they’re better, but often they are not. But it seemed harmless to meet him if he came down, so I agreed.

He was adamant that he was ok with not seeing my picture beforehand, and that he didn’t need to know anything else about me. Insisting that everything he needed to know for him to meet me, he already knew from my blog. He didn’t care about looks at all. It was sweet in a kinda creepy way.

He told me how well he knew me, and expressed several theories of who I am and what I’m like, and what I need. Most of which were wrong, as the picture he painted of me was of a sweet little innocent girl.. and that is hardly me. I tried to set him straight, but everything I said, he seemed to twist to fit his idea of who I am, rather than adjust his idea to fit the real me.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 1)

This got me scared. Been there done that before.. I started to remember experiences of my past where I’d met men like this. It did not go very well, as these guys were borderline stalkers. I hoped I was wrong, and that he was just excited to meet me. I decided to limit my contacting him, but respond if he contacted me.

He then suggested that he say 3 nights in town, not just two. Maybe he’d take a day off of work for me. Sight Unseen for our first visit.

He had talked previously about being poor and that money was tight, and now he was getting hotel rooms and taking time off of work.. for me?

Should I mention that he’s not seen a picture of me? I know very little about him at this point? This was our second phone conversation… or around there?

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 3)

He told me he wasn’t just out for a sex romp.. which is relaxing because we’d not met yet… but he insisted that I was a romantic. He told me a lot of things about myself, and said pushed a lot of buttons that said he was out for a relationship…

And he implied… if not outright said.. that I wanted a relationship too, and that I’d want a relationship with him.. despite my emotional/psychological aversion to the the very idea of it.

He talked with me about sex, and told me that when he has sex it means he’s in a relationship, and not an open one. If I have sex with him, we’re locked in a relationship.. I can’t still be dating around. Sex = Commitment.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 5)

I made mental notes.

“DO NOT have sex with him. Period. No matter how fabulous he may seem. If you do, leave your ID in your car, so he can’t find your address and stalk you later.”

In honesty, sex was way off the table. WAY OFF the table. Gone. Which was pretty funny considering that sex was what prompted this whole thing anyway.

He got put in the friend zone with a temporary friend tag. If we hit it off when we met, that tag could be removed, but for now thats where he was safest since sex was off the table.

He then talked about taking me for a winery tour.. a romantic jaunt in Austin.. then getting us individual hotel rooms in a town nearby the wineries.. (for Austin, this is a romantic weekend getaway, and not something you can “flee” easily from should it go bad.)

He talked about romantic sunsets, and settings. He spoke in lovey dovey terms.

He’s still not seen me yet, and insists he doesn’t need to see any pictures. He’s certain that he’ll like me as I am… almost as if he’d love me no matter what. Its a sweet idea, but in reality that doesn’t happen. He still insisted.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 7)

I now start limiting my availability to him. Not replying right away. Sometimes not replying at all. Each communication is making more uncomfortable, and I wait for him to calm down and settle back into reality.. where he was a few months ago.

I also set up a NiteFlirt account (see the call me button) so I never have to give out my number again to anyone un-vetted. CYA – Just in Case – Safety First

He starts telling me just how long he’s been following me and how he’s not been able to get me off his mind for months. That I’m this vixen that’s been taunting him. He makes up pet names for me.

He’s full of flowery speech and talks very romantically. Almost lovey dovey.

Anytime I balk at what he says, or show that he’s moving too fast.. he backs away and reassures me.. then comes back the next day or a couple hours later.. full boar.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 9)

I am now nearly breaking out into hives every time I see him message me. I’m still thinking I’ll meet him if he shows up in Austin, but plan to arrange a public meeting and probably bring a few friends for safety.  I mean if he’s driving 4 hours.. and I’d already promised.. its only fair… plus he used to be a nice sensible guy.. so maybe there can a friendship in it once his romantic feelings are washed out of it.

Honestly from the get-go, I found myself trying to convince him NOT to date me. He’d just triggered that “caution” button from the start of his pursuit and I wanted to bring him back to some kind of rationality. But nothing I said phased him at all. There was no emotional mace no matter how much I tried.

Then Friday, he posted on twitter about meeting me in a few weeks. On top of everything else, I interpreted it as being “tagged”.. or claimed. I did not read it as the words that it was, but as if he wrote..

“Hey everyone I am going to date Maruska. She’s mine. Hands off.”

I hit the ceiling.

I decided to try one more time to get him back to some kind of rational thought, and scolded him for his behavior.. quite honestly telling him that he was legitimately scaring the crap out of me, and he needed to knock it off. I threatened to block him, and I was serious.

I was sad that this all went down like this. I used to like him, and from the pictures I’ve seen of him, he’s quite an attractive guy.

Once he grasped the gravity of the situation, and that I was serious.. he replied obviously hurt. His regret for doing anything to upset me or make me uncomfortable was genuine and heartfelt.

I’d gotten what I wanted. He was done with flowery love notes. He was done with flowery love talk. But he was hurt.. and that wasn’t what I wanted.. which is why it’d taken me so long to be so brutal in my communications.. I just felt that I had no other options, as he’d not really been listening or hearing me in my other ways of addressing the issue.

So I called him. We talked a little bit. He apologized profusely, and for once .. for the first time since we’d started this thing, he was being honest, rational, and himself.  For the first time, we’re both just being ourselves, and he was being real with me. He was listening. I relax, and start to like him again. I start remembering why I liked him at the start. I’m no longer afraid. (Though if he switches back to lovey dovey psycho, I’ll be back at level 8 instantly.)

Summary: What went wrong? He was overly excited, and projected his excitement onto me. He moved onto his dream of this relationship, dragging me along, and wasn’t allowing me to find it for myself. I didn’t have time to catch up to him. For every step forward I took, he took 3.  I’m kicking and screaming to be allowed to stay at step 1.. and he’s already dragging me to step 6. So I then started misinterpreting things he said. Not understanding when he was joking and when he wasn’t. Communication Failure.

There’s a time for flowery love talk.. for sweet gestures.. and romantic thoughts.. but if the object of your affection isn’t on that page with you yet.. it can go horribly wrong fast.

If you really want someone to fall in love with you.. you have to give them time to move at their own pace. Relax, and just enjoy. Don’t try so hard.

I’m actually now looking forward to meeting this hunk of man. I’m just hoping it stays that way. 🙂