Jul 242017

Photo by Nathan McBride on UnsplashI saw Mr TakeMe again tonight. We talked about life and sex. He spewed is normal bullshit of not wanting a relationship (unless it’s with his ex of course – not that he said that either).

Then as he was preparing to enter me, he awkwardly asked me.

“So do you have unprotected sex with everyone?” He meant it just as asshole-ish as that sounds.

“Hon, I have only been with you since we were last together”

He scoffed. I reiterated.

He talked about how before me he only had unprotected sex with his ex, Shay. This is just one of the reasons why I know he loves me. He’s very condom happy with everyone, and he was with me when we started months ago. Then he stopped wanting to be careful. He wanted to be inside me to feel me, and I only wanted him. So that’s how it played out.

He didn’t want to believe me though that I’d been chaste. See he likes to think that I’m a sex fiend just like him. That I’ll do anyone anywhere. It makes it easier for him not to love me.

He purposefully spent the next few minutes.. while fucking me.. telling me how much he wants someone else to fuck me, and how he wants to watch.. how he wants them both to do me together. How he wants to fuck me while someone else’s semen is dripping out of me.

He says these things. Because it’s easier then not to love me.

So I replied, “But what if I prefer him? What if he’s the better lover?” It landed and I saw it hurt.

Then the anger surfaced, and he replied, “Do you really think that’s possible?” as he fucked me harder.

I teased, “Anything is possible. It’s the risk you take.”

He spent the next few minutes fucking me like a madman aiming to ruin me for all other men. (Which I did not mind at all, multiple orgasms? yes please) Asking again and again, “Do you really think anyone will fuck you as well as I do?”

I only replied that it was possible that someone could be better. He eventually stopped asking, and started having intimate sex with me. I’d say “making love” but we’ve done that once.. and this was about half-way between our normal fucking and “making love”.

He wants to love me, but can’t allow himself. He needs me to love him, to adore him, as long as I don’t actually say it or get too forward about it. And of course, I can’t expect a relationship or to be treated as more than a bootycall. *rolls eyes*

So, this week I hope to experience Mr Fluffy, and maybe he’ll be good for me.

Jul 232017

Photo by Waranya Mooldee on UnsplashI have been working hard to get over Mr TakeMe. And I’ve been doing well. I just haven’t been having any luck with finding sexual partners that I actually want to be sexual with.

I’ve made new friends and even a couple girl friends. I have more people to hang out with and ask to go places.

I’ve resisted him at the bar and avoided him where possible.

I’ve even been active on dating sites trying to find a date.

And I found one.

He’s just getting back into dating after the death of his wife. (no he didn’t kill her, I did ask though cuz you know my luck with these things.)  He’s got a good job. House. Car. He’s a normal functional person who doesn’t really drink much.

Basically everything I’ve been looking for and not at all finding.

We went on a coffee date and then a real date date. I’ve not had one in so long I wasn’t even sure they still existed.

He’s tall and manly.. but he’s fluffy. Not as much fat as he is fluffy saggy soft. It’s a new body type for me, so we’ll see how it goes.

He did kiss me. He doesn’t put any strength in his lips, so kisses are wetter than they should be, but not too slobbery so it’s ok.

From what he’s told me.. I’m his first “anything” since his wife died. So 100% sure I’m just a “rebound” even if he doesn’t know it. But we’ll see.

We have great conversations, and this actually could possibly go somewhere if we’d met at a different time in his life.

I think I took him to his first bar with karaoke that he’s been to since he was in college. *sigh*

Anyway, the night ended because he’s not used to staying up so late, and I went to walk him to his car. We discussed what should happen next on the way out, and realized his car was right at the entrance. So he walked me to my car which was further away from public eyes, and kissed me.

We made out for a bit. He’s too gentle. too sweet. too soft. He’s being “nice” so I throw in a bit of my evilness. I nibble his lip. It catches him off guard but in a good way. I pull him in closer and take the kiss deeper, more urgent, more lustful.

I was testing him and he knew it.  We talked about taking it further. We both wanted to. But his place was out due to some kind of hair-brained construction on his house thing he was doing. And my place was out because my place kinda looks like a tornado hit it, and he’s a decent guy so he’s not seeing my place until it looks like an adult lives here.

So we agreed on another night. He was also very concerned that I was too drunk to give consent. We’d had a talk about drinking and how drunk was too drunk and tolerance levels and consent.. earlier that evening. Mostly in discussing my health but also my alcohol tolerance level. So it was on his mind. He just forgot the part where I said it would take 15 drinks before I was that altered.  I had maybe 4-5. I wasn’t even slurring or stumbling (or at least not stumbling more than I do when I’m sober).

But I wasn’t making his walking away from me easy. Because I’m evil. Actually I decided to be nice, and toned it down to gentle, and I joked that I should be nice and let him leave, and he said I didn’t need to. I said I didn’t want to be nice.

And then I wasn’t. Because I wanted him to know the difference. Pretty sure he almost came from the kiss alone. It’s been  long time for him, and before that he was with the same woman for many years. So I ravaged his mouth. Softly bit his tongue. Nibbled his lip. Teased him by pulling away and keeping my lips just out of reach, before diving in and kissing him soundly, passionately.

He awkwardly (he had a boner) extracted himself and got into his car and left.

I went to my regular bar and caught up with some friends. I was hot and bothered and man I wanted sex. And my latest favorite hot guy was there. He’s ruggedly hot. Like a laborer hot. He’s also smart, and he likes to get into philosophical discussions. So we talk, while I dream about fucking his brains out.

I think he likes me too. I’m just not sure in what way. But our hugs are lasting longer, and the urge to nibble his neck is getting harder to resist. But I do. Because I like him as a friend even if he doesn’t want more.. so it’s tricky.

The bar closes. He goes home alone. I offer to have him join me for food, but he vehemently declines. I’m not sure why, but I let it go.

I go for food, and on my way home, I drive a few blocks out of my way to drive by Mr TakeMe’s place.  His car is in the drive.

When my phone goes off. I look. It’s Mr TakeMe. I’m literally right outside his house. I pull over and park.

I reply; “LMAO. I was just driving by your place.”

He replies: “Stop by for some cock”

And I do. It was nice being with him again. I love the smell of him. The touch of him. The way we kiss. And mostly.. the way his cock fits.

While we’re having sex, I feel something weird on the back of my knee. It’s a used condom. Mr TakeMe and I don’t use them. He uses them with everyone else. And I laugh to myself and then realize, I’m starting something with Mr. Fluffy. Mr. TakeMe and I, this is the last time we’ll be condom-free.

We snuggle a bit afterward, and I thank him for messaging me.

“I really needed this tonight” (seriously if I hadn’t gotten fucked good, I’d be messaging Mr. Fluffy today in urgent harassment for his cock. At least this way I can pretend with Mr Fluffy that I’m not a complete sexual deviant. I am. But he is not ready for that.)

Mr TakeMe replies: “I need this every night.”

Me: “You could have had this every night, but…”

He doesn’t say anything, but I know it landed. I will probably always love him, and I know he loves me even if he won’t admit it. But he’s not good for me.. other than occasional sex.


Jul 082017

Since my last post, Mr TakeMe and I have fallen out.

See the very next day, Mr TakeMe got back together with his ex. This is a pattern now. Every time we get close and have a “date-like” time together and he starts to have feelings… he runs back to her.

And I am done with it.

However, all the sex has also dropped me a dress size.. so I decided yesterday to forgive him sort of.

I decided to never take him seriously about his affections for me. Ever. But if we happened to want sex at the same time, I’m open to fucking the pounds away.

So last night I saw him after a few days of not talking. Well a couple days anyway. It was a really good couple days.

We talked a bit. Hugged. Parted.

Very casual.

Then saw each other later at another place. Said hi. Talked a bit, but this time I had other people I wanted to stoke the fires of possible actual relationship material.

He wasn’t exactly pleased. Because as the more he drinks, the more attached he becomes to me. Accused me of flirting with 3 men other than him (duh) and how he just wanted to seduce me and take me home.  Poor guy (cry me river plays in the background).

He cryptically messaged me that he had a secret he hadn’t told me but would some day.

Then the bars closed, and since all my current interests are long term plans.. I didn’t have anything else to do but sleep.. so I messaged Mr TakeMe about fucking.

Long story short, we met up at his place for supposed sex. That is not what went down.

We get there. Everything is fine. We’re flirting and doing the normal pre-sex stuff.  He brought food for him (he asked via text but I didn’t want anything. Eww McDonalds) and was eating it.. and I decided to get undressed and wait.

Then he said, here come read this. This is my secret.

I got up and he handed me his phone opened to an email. I started reading it. It said nothing.

Turns out I didn’t scroll up on the email like I should have. I assumed he’d started the view where I needed to read.

He has thoracic cancer. He went in for testing about when we first met. He’s just now starting to talk about it with people.

We talked a bit about it, and he broke down. He’s barely holding things together, and the kind of friends that bar hoppers usually have.. are not the friends that usually support you in these kinds of struggles.

So I know he needs me even if he doesn’t deserve me.

He doesn’t want to put anyone else through him going through chemo. He doesn’t want to die. He cried about wanting to see his boys grow up and be there for them. He cried about missing work (his work is a manual labor type job) and fears of being fired.

He doesn’t have a prognosis yet. He said 22 days before more testing, and then he’ll get results.

I slept on this before posting here, but last night I was gutted. Devastated. Overwhelmed. I don’t think I can sit by and watch him die… but I also couldn’t live with myself if he went through this alone.

So we’ll see what happens. Part of me wants to offer to have him live in my spare room while he goes through this and be his nurse-maid if needed, and part of me just wants to sit back and be “on call” in case he needs something but keep an arms length.

We fooled around a big after that. His choice. His desire. I think he felt obligated to make me orgasm, because it was all about me.. more than it has ever been before.  And when he was done, he was flaccid (he’s never ever been flaccid during sexual activity). I tried to return the favor, but he really just wanted cuddles. So we cuddled and I tried to keep it together.

He quickly fell asleep. I tucked him in and locked the door on my way out.

I cried the entire way home.

Jul 042017

Photo by Nathan Walker on UnsplashSo I woke up late (10pm) last night as usual, and debated on showering vs going back to bed.  So I text Mr. TakeMe and ask if we’re having sex tonight.

Keep in mind, that we’ve agreed that he’s just a fuckboy to me. Just sex. No emotions. Nothing resembling a relationship.

Mr TakeMe replies: “Come to the [name] bar and have drink with me and my friends.”

His friends included his neighbor, his roommate, and another friend.

I really want to meet his roommate because of the stories Mr TakeMe has told me. So I decide to go and see what happens.

But.. Umm.. Wanting to introduce me to his friends.. and all night, told me about everyone he was texting and assuring me that they were just platonic friends.

He’s really not ok with us just being fuck buddies. Really not ok.  And last night was a date. He won’t say it was a date. But he made sure he paid for all my drinks all night.

Tonight, he made it clear that he’s about two steps away from being serious about me.

See when he’s not emotionally involved, he likes his women to date other men. To fuck other men. Even in front of him.

When he’s emotionally involved, he doesn’t share. He wants her to be with him and him only. Only him.

So when I say he’s almost there… he wanted me to flirt with other guys.. tease other guys.. but go home with him. He didn’t want to share. He liked the idea of it, but when the tire met the road, he wanted me all to himself.

He also invited me over (undisclosed date) for a movie and said he’d even cook for me.

So I guess I’m playing this game right. Poor guy isn’t going to know what hit him.

**** Little Moments from the night ****

He wanted me to flirt and go home with him, but I also knew if I did, I’d ruin the few prospects I had (i.e. Dan & another guy) so I made him switch bars. We discuss and I stake claim to two bars where there will be no PDA as long as we’re in this “no feelings” open relationship stuff. These are the two bars where I meet 90% of the men I like.

We get to the next bar, and he’s all cuddles and kisses and staking his territory.

We discuss and argue about what we are or aren’t.. He blames me for not wanting to date. I tell him it’s his fault and he wanted it that way. He has a short memory sometimes. Once he realizes that I want to see him outside of the bedroom (aka dating – he’s so stupid) he invites me over for a movie sometime and he insists on cooking dinner for me.

He pulls me in for a snuggle/hug in the booth we’re in at the late night cafe. He holds me there with my head on his shoulder, then suddenly pushes me away.  “Feelings starting. No.” He says to himself mostly.

We didn’t have our normal sex. It was way different. More than just fucking but not as emotional as it used to be. I could tell he was fighting his feelings. There’s a position, missionary-esque, where we’re facing each other and I raise my arms and cup his head in my hands. It’s very intimate and bonding, and I started to reach for him, but he put on his commanding sexual dominant face and refused to let me touch him. We both knew that he was fighting his feelings, and I played along.

Jul 032017

Photo by Mark Solarski on UnsplashIf you remember from my last post, we left off with Mr. TakeMe’s car not being home. He didn’t reply to my inquiry all the next day.

So I give up on him again. I’m angry and sure he’s back with Shay.  When at 2am, he messages me.

Mr Takeme:



Back from the bars?

Mr Takeme:

Yes ma’am headed home

How about you


Just woke up a bit ago. Doing some work.

Mr Takeme:

Want to come over and fuck me?


I see you didn’t answer my text from last night.

Mr Takeme:

Oh, sorry for the garage

Parked in the garage


So you cleaned out your garage?

Mr Takeme:

It was clean. And then today I went through some camping gear and try to find a lost fishing pole so now it’s fucked again

Really don’t know what you’re trying to accuse me or blame you I was home end of story I’m home now end of story

I get enough of this shit from Shay don’t need it from you

You can come over or you can do your own thing. It’s all up to you

I’m just your fuck boy anyways


Oh sorry darling I’m sorry you don’t get to treat me like shit and then suddenly expect me to trust you like I used to.

Mr Takeme:

Please explain to me how treated you like shit.

And trust? What the fuck just trust have to do with anything we have

I’m here if you change your mind


Trust is the foundation of everything. Even fuck buddies.

Mr Takeme:

And what have I done to break that trust? I’ve always been honest

Even when it posses you off



You were honest then you weren’t. We discussed this last night. We got to an understanding and then your car wasn’t there. And you didn’t reply all day.

Then you get all pissy when I ask about it.

Mr Takeme:

Not pissy about anything



He sent a screenshot of our conversation:

Mr Takeme:

Oh, sorry for the garage

Parked in the garage


So you cleaned out your garage?

Mr Takeme:

It was clean. And then today I went through some camping gear and try to find a lost fishing pole so now it’s fucked again

Really don’t know what you’re trying to accuse me or blame you I was home end of story I’m home now end of story

I get enough of this shit from Shay don’t need it from you”

Mr Takeme:

Not pissy. Precise





First text there. I agree with you. The next two are pissy.

Mr Takeme:

I thought we could have some fun obviously you’re not in a fun mood so have a good night I’ll talk to you some other time

I hate there’s no Tone in text

I’m not gonna argue with you I don’t do that so you can take what I’m saying for truth or you can be pissed off and do your own thing

You don’t understand what I went through with that bitch I’m sorry if it was animosity towards her put on you



Mr Takeme:


I just wanted to play with you and make you cum a few times

Guess I’ll put the towel away


Well understand this about me. I am not trying to tie you down. Just making sure I don’t get hurt again.

Mr Takeme:

I have been honest and truthful and accurate and told you exactly what I want and what I expect it when I’m willing to do and not willing to do and if you get hurt in that situation I apologize it was not my intention and I’ve made it clear that I was not looking to hurt you


Well I’m not showered or dressed.  So another night.

This is why I like to have some heads up.

Mr Takeme:


I live like one minute down the road you could figure it out and come over or you can keep being an asshole



I’m not rushing around getting ready for a fuckboy. When I thought it was going somewhere, yeah. Because I do that for people I care about.

Mr Takeme:

You’re the one who made me your fuck boy I told you I’m not ready for relationship or planning on or trying to get in one of the same. I thought we had something going on more than fuck boy but it is what it is


I thought we had more. But you’re allergic to anyone having feelings for you.

Mr Takeme:

Yes I am.


So fuckboy it is.

Mr Takeme:

So leave those feelings at home come over and have some fun


That’s not how it works.

Mr Takeme:

Then come over and stay the night


And we’re going to include feelings into things?

Fuckboy or feelings. Either or. There’s no middle.

Mr Takeme:

Come over

So I went over. Unshowered. Hair uncombed. No makeup. I put on a cheap dress. No bra. And then I decided to be evil.

I put on a pair of my sexy panties. They’re a genius creation of mesh with a lace up back that leaves the back pretty much bare. I knew he’d like them.

I go over and head straight to the bedroom, and get on the bed. He doesn’t kiss me. He lays beside me and starts giving me a back massage. For the first time, he leaves the lights on.

“Hmm I could get into this.” I tell him. He continues. Then he lays on me and starts to hug me. I tell him No.

“So you just want to go straight to sex?” He asks.

“What else are fuckboys for?” I bitingly reply while smirking. The barb lands, but I’m beyond caring. He needs educated in just how fucking unfair his bullshit has been.. and just what it’s like to be treated like a piece of meat.

His hands roam between my legs but I’m still fully clothed and he’s not seen the panties yet. I’m remaining laying facedown on the bed on purpose. Then he finally does it.

He raises my dress and see the panties. He is partly speechless and partly amazed.

“Wow. I’ve never seen anything like these before. I like these.”

I reply: “It’s called lingerie and women wear it for men that they care about.”

He replied: “No they don’t.”

I quip right back: “Well not for you. Because you don’t do feelings.”

I feel the barb land, but he’s too turned on to dwell on it. I can feel him wanting to have sex through the hole in the panties, but I know him he will rip them.. and they’re amazing and cost amazing. So no ripping.

We argue a bit, but I win and we remove our clothes.

We have a short session of very impersonal sex and he cums. (He usually doesn’t.)  He cleans me up and starts to put on his shorts as he’s going out for a smoke.

Previously I would wait for him to return and we’d snuggle. Not tonight.

I got up and put my clothes on, and shoes..

“So that’s it? You’re leaving?”

I look at him. Smile sweetly and say: “Yes, my little fuckboy. That is what fuckboys get.”

He nods and we walk out to the street together. He stops and sits at his lawn chair where he smokes. I continue to walk.

Takes all I have to keep walking, but I know he won’t learn his lesson if I give in.

We never kissed the entire night.

Jul 022017

Saturday night, I am dolled up. I’m out at the bars and just arrive at the second bar when.

Mr TakeMe messages me. It’s Saturday night and I know he has his kid. He can’t leave his house.

Mr TakeMe:


How’s your night going?



I’m good. How’s my fuckboy?

Mr TakeMe:

Yes ma’am if that’s what you want

I’m good sitting at home watching TV

Figured you were out maybe wanted some company

I’m not drunk


I’ll be over later

Mr TakeMe:

Let me guess, after last call if you had no luck


Just part of your playbook

Mr TakeMe:

I do not have a playbook. My life is not that awesome


Well I’ll be going for food sometime if you’d like to join you may.

Mr TakeMe:

My two-year-old son is in his bed sleeping


That’s what I thought.

So you’re messaging me cuz you can’t go find someone else

Mr TakeMe:

Not at all the case. Several choices, not interested. I didn’t tell you to come over I asked how you were doing and if you wanted some company you are welcome to come visit

I don’t know why you’re so angry at me


Because you were drunk for half of our time together and do not remember half of it. And treated me like shit

Mr TakeMe:

LOL I’m not drunk you treat me like shit so it is what it is

And when I’m not drunk you treat me like shit*

So that’s the part that I remember


I only recently started treating you like you treated me.

Mr TakeMe:

I told you I don’t want to relationship that what we had was just fun never try to treat you like shit always try to be good you


Yes you said you don’t want a relationship but then you go on Tinder and try to find one. You match with me. You ask me for cuddles and affection and loving and discard me the moment someone else shows up.

So you either are just a fuckboy or we’re dating. I’m not doing the whole cuddling and loving bullshit only to feel like a placeholder.

Mr TakeMe:

Sorry misunderstood. I cuddle I’m affectionate I’m Sweet I’ll rub your back and tickle you I’ll kiss you and play with you that’s just the way I am that doesn’t mean relationship I’m just extremely affectionate


Yeah I can’t go there without emotional involvement.

Mr TakeMe:

Trust me not the first time I heard that


And I don’t need to be exclusive. I just need to be first choice.

Mr TakeMe:

I guess I’ll just be your fuck boy then.



Mr TakeMe:

I’m going to bed i had a long hot day

Would like to see you again soon


Ok. We’ll see


I decide to enjoy my Mr. TakeMe free evening, and it’s glorious. I flirt and meet a few new guys. One of which is so adorable. He’s cute. Tall. Sweet. He buys me a drink then walks away.

I go find him in a few minutes, pretending to be all nonchalant. I join him and his friend’s conversation and he introduces me around.

They’re talking politics and Dan is admitting to be a Republican. I roll my eyes and he catches it.

“No don’t get me wrong, I don’t support Trump.”

I decide I can stay, but joke that I kinda want to punch him. We all joke around a bit. His best friend and roommate agrees with my point of view and we start bonding. I can tell it irritates Dan, and it makes me smile.

Dan finally offers to let me punch him. He says, “Just not in the face” and explains that he’s had his jaw wired shut before and there’s screws and whatnot.

I make a fist and fake throw a punch that taps his cheek in the lightest kiss from my fist. Not even hard enough to feel jaw on my fist. Just a touch.

I can see in his eyes that he loves my little joke.

But the night is over. The bar is closing, and we head our separate ways.

I text Mr Takeme:

“You still up? I’m going to make a list of all the things I want to do with you. Like a fuckboy bucket list.”

No answer, so I drive by his place. “Where are you? Your car isn’t home.” I’m freaking out because either there’s something wrong with his kid or he took his kid over to Shay’s (he trusts her around his kids.).

Mr TakeMe doesn’t reply.

Jul 012017

Photo by Lou Levit on UnsplashSo I somehow managed to get drunk AND piss people off, while still having a great night. I’m still confused about it all really.

But let’s start near the beginning.

I woke up at 8pm. (Yes you read that right). To a FB message from George giving me a heads up that he was going out or at least thinking about it. I replied that I was going to find food.

I get ready and can’t figure out where to eat, so I head to the bar to order bar food and drink.

I walk in. Look for George. Wave Hi. but decide to sit near the bartender who last I saw him hit on me sweetly at another bar.

Food comes and so does George. He’s rubbing all over my back, up and down, and giving me a massage.

Alarm bells going off in my head. George and I aren’t back together, and sure as hell not publicly back together.

I say hello and barely chat hoping that he’ll get the hint that he’s coming on way too strong and it’s unwanted.  (Plus the last time we were together he said I act 14.)

He starts texting me from a few feet down the bar about how rude I am. Ignore it and hang out with a friend who just showed up.

Then Panty Dropper (singer) shows up. This guy is hot. Tall, lanky, blonde, blue eyes… and sings with a voice where you swear your panties just flew off, and it takes all your control not to jump his bones.

He comes and sits with us because he knows one of our group. We get to talking, and I gush about how much I love to hear him sing (he’s heard it before).

We all start talking about going to another bar since the one we’re at closes early.

Head to the new bar. I get 3 texts from George about how I think he’s worthless and what a bitch I am. And he blocks me.  (I’m counting this as a WIN! by the way.)

I go order a drink, and chat with Panty Dropper a bit as we try to find the rest of our group, and Mr. TakeMe comes up behind me and caresses my back. SHIT.

I ignore him and he walks away and texts me “You Go Girl”. 

I am freaking out. I know if Mr TakeMe asks me to go home with him that I will, and I don’t want to. I don’t want him there. I wanted to freely flirt.

So I mention it to Panty Dropper and group that I’d like to go somewhere else. Panty Dropper also wants to go somewhere else. We leave.

We get to the next bar. We chat for a bit. He runs off.

So I start texting a friend who used to live near there. Turns out he was across the street. He decides to come over.

Panty Dropper returns. Sits down and we start chatting. We’re talking and laughing, and we exchange phone numbers. Things are looking like they might actually go somewhere.

Enter Brandon. Heads right up to me. Says hello. We hug, cuz that’s what we do.. but now Panty Dropper feels replaced. Cuz. Men.

Panty Dropper leaves.

Brandon sees a friend. Leaves.

I have just enough time to get back to the bar where Mr TakeMe was, and I drive like a bat out of hell.

I reply to his “You Go Girl” with a “Duh”.

He replies: “Hey if that didn’t work out I would love to see you”

I reply: “Like you’ll remember it. How’s Shay?” (the girl he dumped me for)

He tells me she’s no longer in the picture and that she’s a piece of shit. He asks me about Panty Dropper.

I yell at him for dumping me and treating me like furniture. He claims he never thought of me that way.

I call him on it.

He says: “I’m not worth loving. But I’m fun. If you want fun come over if you don’t go home.”

I still want to rage. “When you were sober, I was just the shit on the bottom of your shoe.”

He: “I could also use some food your choice I’m not gonna play this game”

Me: “GAME?”

He: “Not how it was ever.”

Me: “Where you at?” (because I realize he’s not at the bar where I left him)

He: “Heading home. Where are you?”

Me: “With who?”

He: “Alone”

I tell him I left the bar because I didn’t want to be around him. He says he left because he didn’t want to watch me work on my new man. Tells me to not let him stop me from finding someone new.

I tell him that I hate him and that I love him.

He replies: “I’m a piece of shit I get that. Not looking for relationship but lead everyone on. That’s kind of my mo”

He asks if I want to see him. I tell him I need sex so yes.

He asks if I have a friend who wants to join.

I lose my shit. “Like I’m not enough? Thanks.”

He replies: “I did not say that. I like every inch of you. I didn’t say male or female. Forget it on the way home you can come over if you want”

I went over. We had “hate sex”. The kind where you want to fuck the other person up.. or at least I was having hate sex, and I did my best to leave marks. Because with marks, he has to explain it to Shay if he goes back to her.

I inform him that he’s just a fuckboy to me now and that I’ll only use him for sex. Because he doesn’t want feelings. He doesn’t like it but accepts it as punishment.

On my way home, I texted: “I wanted. I did. I’m not sorry if I left bruises.  If you want to date, let me know. I’m not just some last minute fuck toy.”

The next morning I woke to see his reply:

“You did leave bruises. But not enough. Next time I expect you to try harder.  If you want to take out your aggression on me you need to do a better job”

Game On Asshole!

Jun 282017

When Mr. TakeMe is drunk or been drinking at all, we have a wonderful time. He is loving and sweet and we share amazing moments.

When he is sober, I am the furniture. I am the reliable chair or snuggly blanket. Always there. Essential to keeping him comfortable, but nothing more.

Last night, Mr. TakeMe actually called me. He usually texts, but this time he called. He was super drunk. More drunk than he was last time. Unintelligible other than the words food, and needing me.

I debate meeting him. I’m tired. I’ve only had a few hours of sleep. I need my rest, but he sounds bad.

And I miss him. I miss him like I miss sunshine, or blue skies, or laughter.

So I tell him I’ll meet him at his place.

He doesn’t show.

I get worried.

I decide to see if he’s at the bar. He is. He’s in his car, passed out, doors unlocked. The bar owner and staff are wondering what to do about him, and they’re relieved that I show up.

They drag his limp body into my car. I grab his keys. Lock his car. And drive him to get food, pay for it because he’s passed out again, and then to his place.

He’s barely with it enough to get out of the car and drag himself to his apt. So I unlock his place, and go back and lock my car.

I make him sit in his desk chair so I can hound him into eating something before he passes out again.

Then he starts talking. He tells me about how he’s ruined everything over his ex and going back to her. He tells me about how he had someone who really really liked him and he ruined it for his ex… and suddenly I realize he’s not talking about me. He’s talking about someone else.

He tells me about all sorts of things.. tells me how amazing I am and how much he likes me and how he doesn’t deserve me.

He tells me about his sex bruises from his ex and some new ones from someone else… and I break.

Since we were last together, he’s been with his ex AND someone else. Someone that wasn’t me. Yet, he only calls me because he’s too drunk.

And I realize that somewhere along the way, I became the doormat.  I start crying. I’m really trying not to, but I do.

He holds me and suddenly a light goes off in him, and he realizes that I fucking care about him.  He says he doesn’t know what to do that he’s never been in this situation before, but he holds me tenderly like he usually does.

I wait for him to pass out, and I leave. I can’t stay and pretend that everything is alright.

But I have to return to take him to his car in the morning. Sure, I could have left him stranded. It would have served him right, but I’m not that kind of person.

So I go back. He’s still sleeping. I lay down beside him. He’s refusing to wake up, and finally I say…

“If you want a ride to your car, you’d better get your ass up.”

He wakes in confusion asking where’s his car. He rushes. I start driving him to his car.

I can instantly tell that he’s forgotten everything about last night. He starts telling me about his ex, and I’m numb. I want to push him out of the car. I don’t.

I tell him about his state last night, and what I did for him. He says “Thanks” and “Sorry” as if it was just expected. As if, that’s my job. I am the furniture.

He gets out of my car. Says something about making it up to me, but we both know it’s a lie.

Jun 262017

Photo by Viktoria Hall-Waldhauser on UnsplashI had a great day on Friday. I was “over” Mr. TakeMe. I could move on. I met new people. Met a great guy.

On Saturday, the sex withdrawal started to hit me. It didn’t help that I had a really great makeout session the night before without sex to finish it off.  Then George started testing me his crazy, and I thought.. maybe George can take the edge off.

So I see George. I want to jump him but my brain runs me out of the place quickly before I do.

Then he texts me about another night alone in bed. He’s joking, but I jump in my car and am at his front door.

He arrives. We go inside and he starts to get on his computer. Instead of my usual waiting around, I say, “This is not why I came over. If you’re going to get on your computer I’m going to just go ahead and leave.” (Progress. Kudos to me)

We go upstairs and get undressed for sex. He lays there. I forgot how much he wants to be controlled, ordered around. It’s so different from Mr. TakeMe that I tell him it’ll take me a minute to adjust. George completely doesn’t understand what I mean, and it pisses me off enough that I just start ordering him around.

His touch isn’t like Mr. TakeMe’s. He’s not as primal. He’s not seizing the moment.

And then he gets bored of sex quickly. I’m not even close to being done. Sure I’ve “orgasmed” but not to satiety, and he knows it. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to continue. He’s done.

After months of really great sex with Mr. TakeMe… I miss it so much. I’m about to hit up 20 yr olds on Tinder for a hard dick and teach them just how to use it.

It doesn’t help that to go to the post office, I not only drive by Mr. TakeMe’s place.. but also his girlfriend’s house.

Jun 242017

Photo by Jakob Owens on UnsplashSo after accepting Mr TakeMe for who he is, my mind settled and clarity snuck in. I finally felt good. Clear. Motivated.

I’m sure there’s other factors that went into it as well as my health plays a part in all this odd emotional brain bullshit too.

But feeling clear.. I finally cleaned out my car. I suddenly realized that here I have this beautiful car and instead of actually making the most of it, I was.. continuing to keep it in trash, disorder, making it embarrassing to let anyone in.

Just like I do with my personal life.

And it dawned on me. I’ve been building walls to keep people out with the disorder around me.

I’ve lived in my new place for over 6 months now. I still haven’t fully unpacked. And because I haven’t unpacked, I haven’t had people over. It’s been my excuse for keeping people at bay, while also being lonely because no one comes over.

Self-Sabotage. I am the queen!

So hopefully my health lets me keep this clarity long enough to actually get unpacked and organized and make a functional home here.

After working on cleaning up things around me so someone can actually get in (literally and figuratively), I decided to go out.

I received a very sexy sundress/maxi-dress last week and I was waiting to wear it for Mr TakeMe. (seriously, the dress would have him drooling) but with my recent revelations.. I saw the dress and I thought..

I’m going to go out and strut my sexy self and everyone else will either get on board or fuck off. It felt like freedom and I was embracing the hell out of it.

I go to karaoke, and things go well. I felt good and felt like making friends. I actually talked to a few people I don’t normally and hopefully started some friendships.

Then I head to the bar where I last saw Mr. TakeMe. I’m half hoping he’s there and can see me in this dress, and I’m half hoping he’s not there because who needs that kind of drama.

He’s not there. Good.

Then things got… fun.

I sit down at the bar and order a drink. Some spanish speaking Mexican food worker (still had on his work outfit) sat next to me and started to chat me up by bragging about his work and asking if I ate there, and not understanding me when I did reply and not taking my ignoring him as a clue to shut up.

He left to do something and a guy two seats down starts asking me weird questions about what I’m drinking (I knew he wanted to buy me a drink but I was being my normal pain in the ass flirt) and I tell him, “Alcohol”.

He continues to try to engage me in conversation in a loud bar, from at least 5 ft away.

Annoyed, I move the spanish-speakers drink, and tell the guy to move over and take his seat, because I’m not yelling the entire night.

He moves over and the conversation gets awkward. He starts asking me really personal questions about my work and income that it starts to feel a lot like he’s wanting to sell me financial advice. He however persists in attempting to engage me in conversation.

“Lets talk about something else because this is not working and I’m about to tell you to fuck off.”

It takes him a minute and then he asks if I have pets. So we talk about pets and he mentions having 4 kids. He’s a proud papa.

The bartender keeps coming by to check our drinks and he insists on buying me a second one.. and then tells the bartender to put several of them on his tab for me to drink later… as he announces he has to leave.

He didn’t ask my number or offer his. But when he left, I was finishing one drink with two other drinks in a line before me untouched.

The dress is THAT good.

So I drink myself down to only one drink in my hand, and head outside to see if someone interesting is there. Most of my bar friends smoke so chances are I know someone out there.

I didn’t, but I see this attractive young looking man out there sitting all by himself. Emboldened by the dress, I stand next to his table and start up a conversation. He reciprocates.

I look at his hand for a ring (very obviously, seriously emboldened by the dress) and ask him if he’s single. He is.

I notice that there’s a drink to his side as if he had company. I wonder who and where they are. Should I expect a hot woman to come out of the bathroom at any moment?

I point out the drink, and ask if I’m interrupting something. He quickly moves the drink away from him while explaining.

“Oh, that was my friend, Dayna. She had to leave…” He continued to ramble for a bit making it quite clear that they were just friends, and leaving me enough details about her to realize it’s the same Dayna that I know, who had just said Hi/Bye to me a few minutes ago.

We talk about our shared “friend” for a bit. It seems we both met Dayna the same way. She lost puppied us into embracing her as a friend, even though neither of us know her very well.

We talked about his work. We talked about mine. He told me where he lives (pointed on a map, giving me his street name) and I told him where I lived (even gave him my street name) and we plotted on the map how easy/difficult it would be to get to each other’s place. (because the roads aren’t in a straight line, walking to each other’s place is out, but we’re almost neighbors).

He has two dogs. Which I plan to use against him to see his place someday.

Last call comes around and he offers to buy me a drink. I instead put our drinks on my tab. He shows no sign of macho arrogance or offense or that he’s trilled to have someone pay for his drink because he’s broke. Instead, he reacted perfectly.

He introduces me to his bar friends. They look sketchy, but most people’s bar friends do.

The bar is closing and we pay our tabs and he walks me to my car while holding my hand. YAS!

We talk about our cars. Mine being new and his being 12 years old. We talk about our car history and new vs used and…

We kiss. He tells me it’s been awhile, and that he wants to take things slow. Awhile = 5 years.

I tell you now.. men adulting while obviously wanting more.. super sexy.

We talk more. I try really hard NOT to press things forward sexually.. but I’ve had a line of drinks and he’s being responsible adult sexy. So… I’m not entirely sure I succeeded.

We stood talking and kissing (he’s not a bad kisser but he’s afraid to use his tongue) for an hour and half.

He was having trouble pulling himself away, and I wasn’t really cooperating with that endeavor. I wasn’t forcing myself on him by any means, but I wasn’t making it easy for him to go.

But I finally did.

We exchanged numbers and have a possible something maybe on Sunday. I’m not happy with the tentativeness of the plans, but we’ll see if anything happens.