MaruskaMorena

Nov 122019
 
hugs

I honestly have so much to update. It’s been a long long time since I’ve last posted anything. I was reading through old posts and realized how much I’d already forgotten about.  I’m not even sure where to start.. but I wanted to update about Brian. I last wrote about Brian back in October of 2017, and I wrote about meeting him on June 24, 2017. 

Shortly after my last post, I lost my patience with the lack of progress with Brian.. we’d slowly stopped holding hands.. he stopped wanting to kiss me. But he was still telling me exactly when I’d see him out again, what his plans were, where he was going.. never inviting me, but I always knew where he was.  When he was out, he was with me the entire time or if he left my presence he would tell me why and where he was going, and the he’d be right back. And each night, he’d wait for me at the exit of the bar and walk me to my car where we’d talk for at least an hour sometimes two. 

But he never asked me out. So I lost my patience. I made him “shit or get off the pot” so to speak. He told me he needed to think about it. 

He thought about it, and decided to have the discussion one of the nights that I was roofied.  So I don’t remember it. When I called him the next day to figure out if I’d come home alone (aka if he’d walked me to my car as normal), he told me we’d discussed it and decided to just be friends. He refused to elaborate.  I don’t remember now which day it was but had to be back in Nov 2017-Feb 2018?

And things were just platonic, even though he kept doing the same behaviors. He didn’t cockblock me (that I caught on to anyway) and would give me space if he thought I was talking to someone I was interested in. 

He told me all about the girls he was crushing on. 

But he was still there with me at the bar the entire time, coming with me to talk to my friends and introduce me to his. He’d still wait outside the bar for me, walk me to my car, and talk for hours. 

The only thing that changed was that I didn’t expect anything but friendship and I dated openly in front of him. Many times introducing him to people I was dating or having sex with.  He never flinched or showed any signs of jealousy.. well until Spring 2019.. but we’ll get there. 

Winter 2019:

I don’t remember exactly what date it happened.. but we were all hanging out (me, him, and his good friend Jim) and talking. He and Jim got up for something.. I can’t remember what, but he came back to the table nearly immediately after leaving it, and handed me his phone.. opened to a Wikipedia article about his fetish. 

It was completely off topic from anything we’d talked about that night. Unfortunately, the bar was loud. And I can’t really read or process what I read while music is on. I need silence. Plus my brain was going 500 miles per hour trying to figure out why I needed to know about his fetish.  

He came back and wanted to know what I thought about it. I barely read it, and I was just about overwhelmed to the point of a panic attack with the reading and sudden out of the blue question.. that I stumbled through a .. Umm.. ok. (It’s a really benign fetish btw, and relatively normal.. even though he doesn’t think so). 

But that planted the seed of seeing him as a sexual being again. I really tried to fight it, and managed to push it down for a good 6 months or so.. but I get ahead of myself. 

Feb 2019:  I meet Devon. He’s an adorable man with just enough issues that I felt drawn to him. Moth to Flame. 🙂 As I do. He only wanted to be FWB. And we got pretty close as friends, until I started to get needy and he pulled away. 

About two weeks after meeting Devon, I showed up at the bar and hung out with Brian and Jim for a few minutes before I exited to go back to Devon’s. I was breaking Brian & my traditional hangout to do so, but Devon was suicidal so I felt I had to. That was the first time I saw something bordering on jealousy on Brian’s face. I reminded myself that Brian just wanted to be friends. 

A couple weeks later, Jim invited me to go camping with him and Brian at a Renfaire. Brian looked hesitant.. like he wasn’t sure he wanted me to come.. but Jim insisted.  At this time, I had a little crush on Jim. Jim is hella cute and adorable in a non-neuro-typical kind of way. He’s constantly full of anxiety and very much likes rigidity, rules, plans, and keeping to them.  So I agreed to go camping even though I knew I was going to hate it.. because empty tents, drinking, and cute men sounded pretty fun.. plus getting to spend more time with Jim? Yes please. 

Devon started pulling away about a week after that. We still got together a few times, but Brian’s stability had spoiled me and I noticed how much Devon would just disappear any time I showed signs of needing any kind of comfort or need to chat.  I was there for him.. but I noticed he was never there for me.  That helped me walk away.. but it wasn’t easy.  (I have issues. Shutup)

I had come to the realization that Devon wasn’t ever going to be there for me. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to, or if he just couldn’t emotionally be there and support anyone else.. but I was going through some stuff with healing from my abusive ex and stuff that happened as a kid.. that the platonic cuddle time with Devon was really helping to heal. 

Anyway, I’d come to the realization that I really needed cuddle time to ease my anxiety as well as realize that I wasn’t going to be able to rely on Devon for it. .. the weekend BEFORE the Renfaire camping weekend. 

So I was a mess before I even got to the Renfaire. Plus it was somewhere new. I didn’t know where I was going. I got there in a bundle of anxiety and nerves.. which thankfully Brian understands and manages me well. 

I didn’t know it, but Jim wasn’t going to be around that night. He would be there the next night, but the first night camping was just me and Brian. 

At the Renfaire:

Brian helped me set up my tent, and we made supper together. We function well together in a comfortable “old married couple” way.  I know that sounds super unsexy.. but I love the way we are together. The whole time I thought to myself.. “I really wish he was into me, because this would be perfect.”

His way of being considerate and helpful.. it’s everything I was missing with my ex. He doesn’t whine or complain or act inconvenienced (and if he feels it, he will state so in such a way that isn’t manipulative or offensive, but setting boundaries). 

After supper, he insisted that he show me around the camp and try to find a party. He stuffed his pockets full of beer, and I filled a thermos full of vodka… and we walked. And walked. And walked. 

I finished one thermos and made him walk me back to camp for a refill. 

I should not be allowed to drink outside of a bar. Every time I do something like this I get SUPER ASSED DRUNK. Which I did. 

And with the anxiety of the new place, some unresolved issues with camping that I was previously unaware of (seriously I need to see a therapist for it), and the lack of cuddling from Devon.. and needing to get Devon off my mind.. 

I have very fuzzy memories of having had a drunken breakdown and begging Brian to share my tent and cuddle me. Which he somehow agreed to do. 

We’d not done anything more than the brief friend hug in years.. all his choice btw… 

But he laid next to me, and held me. I remember holding him close all night, and holding hands.. I remember I didn’t even need to seek out his hand.. just briefly brush mine near his, and he’d open his hand to grab mine.. fingers intertwined. 

I really wanted to do more.. but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Brian isn’t the casual sex kind of guy. He’s really only had a couple partners, and since my understanding was that he wasn’t really interested.. I did my best to keep my emotions in check.  It’s probably one of the most cherished memories I have. 

But I wigged out when I sobered up the next morning. I was terrified that I’d screwed up our friendship.. and I freaked out on him.. apologizing for manipulating him into my bed.. 

I know I hurt him with my freakout.. but I couldn’t stop myself. I was also mortified because I had a crush on Jim and Brian being in my bed was surely going to fuck that one up for good. 

Brian, Jim, and I had a really great day despite how it started.. and they both made me feel like one of the group and important. It’d been a long assed time since I’d had that.. I’m not sure I really ever had that before. They both were SOOOO considerate. 

After Faire, we went back to camp. Changed into real clothes and went looking for parties like we did the night before. Only this time, Brian was less attentive to me and seemed on the prowl. Jim was tired and went back to camp early to sleep. I never really got a chance to just hang with him that night like I’d wanted. And watching Brian try to pick up girls.. was not something I could really “join in” on. 

So I went back to camp to sleep. Turns out.. me alone in a tent is some kind of trigger for me. FOMO is super real as well as being terrified irrationally. I almost had another break down like the night before. 

Brian that night.. got drunk.. and had a one night stand. I’d never really seen him with another woman nor had he ever had sex with anyone the entire time I knew him. The shock nearly devastated me, but reinforced that he wasn’t interested in me. 

Jim was the one that told me about it. Unfortunately, my poker face isn’t what it should be.. and Jim saw the flash of hurt on my face.  He waited around for me to get ready, even though I know it wasn’t easy for him.. he likes to be at the Faire at an exact time and I was going to make him late.  But he waited. 

Jim and I spent the morning together. Talked. Joked around. Laughed. And I could tell he was doing his best to make certain I had fun. I loved him for that. Plus I still had that crush on him. 

Brian joined us just after we’d finished lunch. He looked like he’d been run over with a truck, and he wanted to talk to me about his encounter the night before.. but I couldn’t let him talk.. I didn’t want to hear about his sexy night with a woman that wasn’t me. I started to imagine that that’s why he didn’t want me to come.. because he liked having flings at Faires and didn’t want me to find out.  

(He doesn’t do casual ever, I found out later. This was a one-off. And the reason he wanted to talk to me was that it wasn’t entirely consensual – her forcing him not the other way around – and since he’s had such little one night stand experience.. he wasn’t sure how to process it. Jim is not someone you can talk to about these things.. so he wanted to talk to me, but I was so wrapped up in my own hurt about it that I couldn’t listen… I mean.. I’d been fully willing to be FWB with him for about 2 years, and he didn’t want to fuck me.. but some stranger? Sure. I just couldn’t listen. I listened about a week later once I’d calmed down, and then I felt like shit for being a shitty friend.)

After that, I started messaging Jim more. Invited him out a couple times, in which he insisted Brian join us (I found out later). 

Jim’s Birthday:

Then there was Jim’s birthday party, which Jim insisted I come. I arrive. He’s saved a seat right next to him for me. I attempt to flirt. I have no idea if any of it lands. Jim introduces me to all his friends.. they’re all women. I know from previous conversations that some of them are gay, but a few I know aren’t. Jim sits next to me the entire time, except once gets up (excuses himself saying he needs to talk to a couple of the girls that came.. telling me who they are to him and that he’ll be right back).  

He returns.. I attempt to flirt again. I’m cautious because I don’t know what the situation is with Brian and Jim, so I’m just trying to feel Jim out if he’s interested before I ask Brian if it’s ok. 

Brian shows up.. sits next to me. We talk a bit. But then it’s time to go. 

Jim is pretty drunk, and I have to walk by Jim to get out from the table.. and Jim being chivalrous is waiting for me to walk by before he goes. As I squeeze by Jim.. I feel his hand reach for mine. Stunned I stop for a second. We hold hands. And then Brian calls for me to get going. So we start to walk out. 

As we’re leaving, Jim is unsteady after he hugs me.. so I try to steady him.. and he wraps one arm around me and holds me tight. Tighter than he actually needs to in order to stay upright. Tight like he doesn’t want to let me go. He’s drunk so I’m not sure if I’m misreading it or not. 

He seems happy to message me the next day. So I think there was something there? But then he goes radio silent. 

I still don’t know exactly what happened there.. but Jim has all but stopped talking to me unless it’s through Brian. And I’m not going to deal with that kind of bs.. so crush is over. 

It’s now end of May.. and I start to wonder if Brian maybe told Jim I was off limits. The overshare of his fetish. Our night of cuddling.. it all starts wearing on me. 

Then Brian starts acting differently.. or maybe I’m acting differently so he’s acting differently? I don’t know. 

June.2019:

Brian sat with me a couple times after the bar, when we’d talk for our typical hour.. and would mumble something about “not wanting to ruin our friendship” but I never heard anything more than that.. except once when he said he really liked our friendship. That’s the most emotional he’s ever been about me. 

Brian warned me that he was going to be out of town most of July, and I was out of town the last week of June. We’d never spent that much time apart in 2 years.  

Brian during this time started acting more aloof. I assumed maybe he’d found someone and wasn’t sure how to tell me. I couldn’t figure out why else he’d be acting distant. 

Nights when he was supposed to be “free” to come out, he’d forget to text me until way late at night and tell me he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t come out. 

I saw him about 3 nights in July. I usually see him at least 8.  

When we did catch up and talk.. normally he’d ask me about men that I’d mention… I even started dating someone (because I realized how reliant I was on Brian, and since Brian just wanted to be friends.. I wanted to find someone else) but when I told Brian about it.. he didn’t even ask who it was, or why we broke up. 

Jim however had all the questions.. but Brian didn’t seem to want to know. 

Brian then called me out of the blue to ask me out to dinner.. spontaneously.. unfortunately it was bad timing and I couldn’t go. He called me to talk a couple other times as well. He also initiated a few text conversations during July.. all things he’s never done before. 

One of the three nights that I saw Brian in July, he had a conference call on one of the nights we usually meet up at the bar, and he wasn’t going to be able to make it. So I offered to drop by instead with his favorite beer. He hesitated and then acquiesced when I said it wasn’t a hardship. 

We sat together that night.. in his loveseat.. watching TV and he started to dose off.. I offered to leave, but he’d wake up and insist we continue to talk. He did not want me to go. We napped a little, and there was a moment.. where I thought he might kiss me.. my heart leaped in my chest and shocked me a little. But he didn’t. We just sat/laid there together. 

Brian gets drunk: August 2019

Out of the blue.. with no warning.. Brian ubers to the bar and doesn’t tell me until I get there (he normally drives and drinks really responsibly). He’s decided to get drunk. I’d actually been teasing him about how I needed to see him drunk one of these days.. I just didn’t expect it to happen. 

Brian drunk is a slightly more lively less reserved version of actual Brian. Slightly. But he’s much more talkative and less filter. 

I was not prepared for the less filter. 

Everything was fine until we got to my car. He wanted to sit there and talk before I drove him home.. so I was essentially prisoner for what came next.

He told me that he had a hard time controlling himself. That with my short shorts, and my legs slightly parted  (I’m sitting in the drivers seat of my car), that he was having a hard time resisting finding out what’s between my legs.  I honestly had no idea he had any kind of physical desire for me.. so I kinda sat there dazed for a bit. 

Then he told me about all the women he also has troubling thoughts like that about. 

Then told me all the reasons why he doesn’t want to date me. All of which are stupid and sound like excuses. 

I really didn’t hear much after that. I was torn between the “I’m attracted to you” and the “I don’t want to date you”.. and trying to process it. 

Plus the downpour of reasons why we weren’t dating.. hit me like my abusive ex would do whenever he’d unload.. 

I drove him to his place and he invited me in to use the toilet.. I had to go bad so I went in. 

We sat on his bed for about a half hour with his huge Great Dane between us, focusing on the dog. Once again, he didn’t seem to want me to leave. 

He went to the restroom again, and then came back out and laid on the bed sideways, facing the end where I was resting with the dog..  

I was starting to doze off.. and woke a little as I felt like eyes were on me.. I looked up at him.. and his expression.. 

He was just there watching me. The look on his face took my breath away. It was that look of adoration mixed with attraction.. and.. I remembered the promise I’d made years ago now.. that no matter what happened.. that I would consider it friends unless he told me otherwise.. and he’d just given me a TED talk about how I was undateable.. 

And I felt a knife in my heart.  I knew at that moment.. that I was in love with him. Head over heels. Done for. In love with him. And that casual sex with him.. where I’d have to pretend it was just friends after.. would kill me. 

So I gathered what dignity I had.. and left. 

I really tried to get my heart back to being just friends.. I tail-spinned.  Between being triggered with his download of all my negative traits at once.. and my realization that I was madly in love with him… My newest girl friend told me that she didn’t think he was good for me.. and since I have a shit-all history with men.. I tried to pull away from him.. to try to end our friendship.. 

But the thought of not having him in my life at all.. lets just say I’ve not had that much of a suicidal desire since I struggled with God in college. Nor had I gone on such a sexual bender in at least a year. You know.. best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It didn’t work btw.

Like it or not, Brian will be a part of my life.. like air.. until I either find someone to date or he does.. and we’ll probably be friends even then for a while.. until gravity parts us. 

I don’t know that I’ve ever loved anyone like this. 

About 2 weeks later, Brian and I actually go out and have dinner. I’d picked up some breakfast bars he liked at Costco, and we had dinner in order to meet and get them to him. (Seriously, have I mentioned the old married couple that we are?)

I tell him that I’d been struggling since the night he got drunk.. I manage to squeeze out that he’d triggered me like my ex.. but I can’t say more because things are still to raw and I just about burst into tears saying that much. 

He asks if he needs to worry about our friendship. I assure him that our friendship is fine.. there’s just some “rules/boundaries” I need to talk to him about.. but that I’m not ready yet. He relaxes and gives me space. 

Over the next few weeks, we start to get back to where we were. Platonic friends. The ease of talking comes back. We relax again with each other. 

My newest girl friend has her BFF show up at the bar, and Brian is all into her. I am jealous but trying not to show it. He agrees to go out to the after-party after (He doesn’t usually), he brings snacks that he thinks I’ll like.. seriously gets disappointed that one of them I can’t eat, because he intentionally bought it thinking I’d like it.. super sweet.. then stayed at the party after I bowed out ( he’s never done that before) and I am seething with jealousy. 

So I decide it’s time to grow some balls and have the talk with him that I needed to do.  

I get drunk, Oct 2019:

I’ve decided to talk to Brian. I also decide it’s best to get drunk in order to do so. I achieve my drunk goal, and my newest girl friend wants to check out his truck, so we all pile in his truck. 

She leaves shortly after, and Brian and I sit and I try to find the words to talk to him. 

Somehow we end up holding hands. I thought maybe I did it.. but he seemed upset whenever I’d move my hand to reposition myself or motion.. so sometimes I’d hold his hand with my left hand.. and sometimes with my right.  So we were constantly holding hands. 

I told him that our friendship was the most important to me and I didn’t want to fuck it up. But I needed to take back my promise that I’d always interpret things as just friends. 

His first response was: “Can we still go out to dinner together sometimes?”

I honestly don’t know what he thought I was trying to say, but I assured him we could do all the platonic things.. but I needed to be able to ask him if I felt things were heading somewhere else, and that I couldn’t sleep with him without us being in a relationship/dating.  

It was a very emotional conversation. He didn’t say anything about not wanting to date me or wanting to date me for that matter. 

He also didn’t remember giving a TED talk when he was drunk about me not being dateable.. he thought he talked about how he felt he was undateable.

I gave him guidelines.. that if he didn’t want to date me.. to make sure to tell me all about every girl he was attracted to. That I needed him to do it if he wasn’t interested in me. If he was interested in me.. he didn’t need to divulge that if he didn’t want to. 

We ended our talk. Holding hands.. my head on his shoulder. His head pressed down on my mine as if to hug/snuggle. And my other arm caressing his neck, gently holding him there. 

The Aftermath of my Drunken Talk:

He was distant for the next couple weeks after.  He actually didn’t respond to me for two days after our talk in his truck, until I finally just point blank asked him if he was still alive and ok. He simply responded “Yes”.  I’m not going to lie I cried for a couple hours before I finally just texted him asking if we were still friends. He replied saying that we were fine and he was going through some stuff unrelated to our conversation.. I’m not sure how much of that I believe, but I gave him time.

The next night he was out, some girls were dressed up in sexy costumes, and he made a point to point them out to me. I did my best to not show the pain of his signal that he didn’t want to date me. 

The next night, I talk him into going out to eat with me after the bar. He never wants to join me in this so it’s a rarity.  The waitress asks if it’s one check or two.. He hesitates and asks me to decide. (I have no idea wtf). So I say two.  I should have asked him about it, but I didn’t. 

During these couple of weeks, he’s distant. I text him my normal fun memes that are just silly ways to say “Hope you’re having a great day” or “I’m thinking of you”.  But he wouldn’t respond.  

We start to get back into our normal platonic friends groove.. but there’s little things that seem different.

Like I was talking to some friends I’d not seen in ages, and he offered to go refill my drink for me while I talked. He’s not done that in almost 6 months at this point. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but maybe he’s just trying to be friends.

He tries to be friends with my newest girl friend, and I know neither he or she are into each other.. but I am jealous. I cannot tell you how insanely jealous I was that he was even speaking to her. I wasn’t worried they’d end up together.. I just didn’t like not being the center of his attention.  Can you say insecurity??

It’s not a good look on me really. Really not a good look.. and I did my best to hide it. I’m not entirely sure I was successful. 

It’s been a couple weeks since then.. we’ve gotten back into our normal groove.. platonic groove.. 

I’m unsure if I should be telling him about my crushes again.. or … because he’s not mentioned another girl to me in weeks.  

I do tell him all about the men that hit on me that I don’t like though. Because the stories are hilarious.

He finds out he’s hosting (his dog walker talks him into it) a NYE party again this year (it’s her birthday), and he awkwardly invites me. It was weird and cute, and I wanted to kiss him. But I didn’t because we’re just friends…  I’m totally going though. Wild Horses and all.  

So now we’re up to this last weekend… 

He had another Saturday night conference call.. 

This time I don’t ask if he wants me to come over. 

I’d stopped texting him memes about two weeks ago so as not to pressure him. He texted me once earlier this week about how work has been busy so he’s not had time to respond or text me. Then texts me two days later to tell me he has his conference call on Saturday night and it will probably go to 2am (normally he tells me about his conference calls on Friday nights when we meet up, so this was unusual and seemed to show that he was disappointed at not being able to go out.. and that he thought immediately on finding out about it to tell me.. in other words… I inferred that he was upset that he wouldn’t be able to see me on Saturday)

So Saturday night.. the call actually goes long.. sometimes they don’t.. but I texted him at 1am and he was still on the call.  

So I replied.. “If you’re still on the call at 2am, I’ll come over and bring you some beer.”  I didn’t ask if he wanted me to.. I just said “I’m coming over”. 

He replied “Thanks” – which is the most invitation he’s ever given me to come over. 

So I run home.. change into walking gear (in case he wants to walk the dog) and grab some beers from my fridge.. and head over. 

And this is where things.. well where I start to wonder if he’s interested in more but scared to cross a line if I don’t want to. I notice he gives me options.

He cleans off his single recliner, as well as the entire loveseat (where he usually sits) giving me a clear option of either seat. 

I sit in the loveseat. He sits next to me. 

His loveseat is big enough that I don’t “need” to touch him if I don’t want to.. but I want to see if this is actually heading somewhere.. so I push the envelope a bit.. and his dog is on the other side of him.. so I reach over to pet the dog.. the dog is not making this easy.. and then let my hand rest on his thigh next to me.. as if my hand just naturally dropped there. 

I get cold and he scours the house for a throw blanket for me.. comes back with one.. I snuggle up in it, with my arms outside of it. I don’t share it with him at this point because he’s not cold. I put my hand back on his thigh.. again.. as if it just naturally rests there. He doesn’t complain or indicate that he’s noticed. 

After a bit, I offer to share the blanket.. he accepts.. and my hand is now under the blanket.. on his thigh.. and since there’s no real reason to keep it there now that it’s under the blanket.. I relax my muscles and just let my hand naturally start to slide off his thigh.

Suddenly his hand on top of the blanket catches my pinky and stops my hand from moving off his thigh.  I swear my breath caught for a second. My heart leaped.. but I reminded myself.. we’re just friends.. he probably doesn’t even realize he’s holding my pinky.

He holds it like that for a bit.. and I try wiggling my pinky a little.. like I’m just adjusting my arm. He doesn’t let go. 

Next thing I know, his arm is under the blanket, and his hand is holding my pinky. I realize this has to be intentional. 

I wiggle my fingers, and he releases his grip a little.. then grabs the 3 smallest fingers.. increasing his hold on my hand. I really know it’s intentional now. 

Not once during this do we actually look at at each other.  My heart is beating out of my chest I swear. 

So I move my hand.. palm up.. and place it under his.. our fingers entwine, and he squeezes my hand. 

I relax and start to doze off.. he does too. 

Pretty soon.. I feel him gently squeezing my hand.. I return the squeeze.. he squeezes it harder and tells me it’s late. 

He asks me if the plan is to crash here or head home. I don’t know how to answer, so I say I’m fine with either. I’m half asleep. 

He mumbles something about something.. I don’t know exactly what he said.. but I got the idea that I should go home. 

We both go to the bathroom (he uses the master, and I the guest) and then meet up in the hallway to say goodnight. We hug as normal.. maybe a little longer than normal.. and he walks me to the door. 

I’m really trying not to read more into this than there may be. I mean.. maybe it’s just a friendly holding of hands..  But I haven’t stopped smiling. 

Apr 102019
 

Doug and I texted over the next few weeks, but he kept setting off my mental/emotional abuse triggers with things that seemed like gaslighting, ridicule, and sometimes just plain meanness.

He came back into town a couple weeks later. He didn’t tell me. Supposedly he wanted to surprise me?

I ran into them both at karaoke. Doug and I had just been texting not but a few minutes earlier and he didn’t even mention being in town.

I wasn’t prepared. I’d just come from a social draining event where I managed to get into one of my dangerous allergens (not the nose run kind, but the ER visit kind) and was only out so if my meds suddenly stopped working… I was in public in a trusted place and someone would likely call 911 for me.

So full of adrenaline and being pissed as hell because I wasn’t prepared for Doug to be in town.

Things did not go well. Doug told me he thought we’d just be better as friends. I told him I was disappointed, but agreed.

We texted for the next week or so. He stopped being an ass in text and was actually being fun and friendly.

Then suddenly he wasn’t. He just turned mean. Gaslighting. Lying. Then saying he was “just joking”.. even when I said I didn’t find that kind of thing humorous and that it triggered my PTSD.. he continued. And laughed about it.

I haven’t texted him since, and will most likely never speak to him again.

++++

But it did trigger me to start seeking help for what is obviously a major issue. Echoing. Fawning. Disassociating. Emotional Flashbacks. That are not only effecting my ability to be in a relationship, but seriously effecting my ability to walk away when I should walk the fuck away…

Not to mention effecting my ability to actually choose a beneficial partner.

Feb 032019
 

Photo by Ken Treloar on UnsplashI have a new story. It’s long. There’s tons of backstory. And the future story yet to happen is murky at best.

Welcome to the Confusion Brothers!  [They’re not really brothers, just long long term friends]

I met Joey (not his real name) at karaoke about a year ago when he was happily married. He’s a flirt but he was harmless as he was.. I repeat.. happily married. Or so he thought.

Over the next few months, I’d come to meet his wife. Who I liked and got along well with, but she didn’t come out to karaoke every time. He and I clicked well and developed a mutually respectful friendship. We talked about everything and became close friends. Platonic friends.

Not that I didn’t find him attractive, and we’d even had a couple conversations over the months about how we found the other attractive.. usually in the way of reassuring the other that neither of us were ugly. Him reassuring me due to my complete failure at dating. Me reassuring him because he’s a little vain and insecure about growing older (his job is active and prefers younger people due to the active nature).

But he was married. So that was a no for me. And he was happily married with ethics (extremely averse to cheating which I found out later, stay tuned.) so it was a no for him too.

Thus friendship. A good friendship.

He mentioned several times that he wanted me to meet his best friend. He thought we’d make a good pair. I – having been setup by friends on previous occasions – was more than skeptical. Several times his friend was supposed to be down visiting (he lives 4-5 hours away), but would cancel. And I wasn’t really taking it seriously anyway.  He also described his friend in un-glowing terms like “short” “sexually experimentative” “fun” “never married” “no kids” “goes through girlfriends quickly”…

To which, I’d reply.. “Oh yes, keep going. It’s like a laundry list of red flags right there.”

He’d laugh and insist that Doug was a great guy, and I’d understand if I met him. “Just meet him. You’ll like him. I think you two would be great together.”

Then over Christmas while I was out of town for a couple weeks, he caught his wife cheating on him. For him that’s a burn the bridge offense. So they separated.

And things got.. different. The whole reason we weren’t dating was suddenly removed. But he wasn’t in a place to be dating, so I adjusted to be more of a wing-woman. He needed to go sow some oats.. which I understood and I did not want to be the Rebound Girl.  So he’d get a little too drunk, and I’d let him cry on my shoulder, or other “drunk baby-sitting” tasks.

And the few times he’d mention or drunk hit on me, I’d tell him no. “No honey. You’re not single enough yet for me.”

Then he began bringing up his best friend again. That I needed to meet him. That I’d like him. That we’d be good together.  [insert headspin]

Well the time came this weekend where his BFF Doug finally made an appearance, but Joey didn’t text me to tell me. I just happened to run into them at karaoke on a Thursday night.

At first look, Doug is not that impressive. He’s short. He’s not bad looking, just your average guy. Cute but not overly cute. But his stature and body remind me of the great sex guy I used to “date”, and I immediately wonder if he’s great at sex.. but maybe without the dickhead feature of my ex.

Joey made a brief introduction and then moved out of the way so Doug and I could talk. Then a bit later Joey came back to standing beside me, doing his normal touchy stuff (he’s a touchy-feely guy and most of it is platonic), and I realize that to Doug … Joey and I look a bit couple-ish.

And since Joey and I hadn’t had any conversation about where we actually stand with each other. Do we plan to date down the road? Are we just friends forever? What’s going on?

I had no idea how I was supposed to behave.

As the night progressed, I tried to get to know Doug better, but it was clear that neither Doug nor I knew who was going to end up with who.

There was a talk about a threesome. They’d evidently discussed that before even coming out that night. With me. Not just any girl. Joey said they specifically discussed having a threesome with me.  Joey said it was Doug’s idea. Since Joey has never been openly sexual with me nor have we discussed likes/dislikes of sex, I initially believed him. Doug however politely tried to tell me that it was really Joey’s idea.

Joey also talked privately to me… charmingly joking, feeling me out on my sexual preferences.. which he had never done before.. and he wasn’t asking for Doug. He was asking for himself.

Now let me remind you, I’m supposed to be meeting Doug for the purpose of me and Doug getting together.

And Joey’s doing his best impression of secretly cock-blocking his BFF.  And I have no idea wtf is going on.

I don’t know Doug. Doug lives hours away. Most guys don’t date their BFF’s ex. So if there was a future possibility of being with Joey where I already knew what kind of man he was and we had a good level of trust and communication already… I was going to choose that.

Joey tried to tell me that it wouldn’t be a problem, but he was tipsy and I didn’t believe him. We needed to have an honest conversation about it when he was more sober.

I tried to focus on getting to know Doug better. I learned very little, but Doug was warming up to me and acting interested, but I couldn’t tell if he was being friendly interested in his BFF’s friend or if he was actually interested.

It was confusing as all fuck.

By the way, during this time music comes on that is more club music with groove beat to it, and Doug starts dancing in his seat. The guy can move. It was fucking hot. My “thing” for seeing men doing that ONE thing they’re amazing at that lights them up.. totally switched on. And had we been alone without all this other mess, I’d have had a hard time keeping my hands to myself.

Bar closes and we walk out to our cars. Mine is first, and they walk to me to it. Joey’s out of it, and keeps walking.. but Doug stops to say good night and gives me a hug. It’s awkward, but I feel like I could really like him. Maybe.

Then Doug calls to Joey to get him to stop walking away, and Joey laughs and comes back to say good night to me. He gives me one of his long hugs. Longer than usual. He releases me slowly, also unusual. Stops. Holds me. Looks into my eyes.. and I know he’s going to kiss me. He’s never done this before. I take it as a sign that he doesn’t want me with Doug. He kisses me two soft pecks on the lips. Nothing major. But the message was received.  I looked at Doug’s face and I knew he caught it too.

So I was super happy going home. Joey does like me like that. We both know he’s not ready to be with me, but he’s not ready to cut that option either.

I get home, and Joey texts asking if I want company.

A. My house looks like a hoarder’s den.

B. I know he’s not ready to be with me.

So I text him back telling him that he can’t come over but we could meet at the all night diner.  He declines.

Doug texts me too. Joking about feeling left out. We text-talk for a bit.

The next morning, Joey texts me repeated apologies for his behavior last night. How he regrets it. How he crossed a line. That we’re just friends. And that Doug likes me.

Knife. Heart.

I tell him he didn’t cross a line. If he had, he’d know… cuz I’m not the kinda girl to just let that shit happen. I reassure him that our friendship wasn’t in jeopardy.  (Our future of  ever being together was, but the friendship was fine)

I don’t hear from them again that day, but they show up for my birthday party/gathering the next night after that (Saturday).

Joey is happy to see me. Standing close. Being his normal self. Doug is off to the side and less friendly.

I kneedle Joey about picking up women’s numbers. Attempting to make sure Doug knows that Joey and I are back to being JUST FRIENDS. Joey says he’s done with that. He’s not in a space to be dating or picking up women. I pretend not to believe him.

Joey leaves us to go sing and I try to engage with Doug. He’s not responding. He’s not being mean or unfriendly, just doing his own thing.

More of my friends show up so I’m distracted engaging with them. Making sure they have drinks, know where to sign up to sing, and that they’re greeted and happy.

More friends then show up so I move the party to the tables instead of the bar. Joey and Doug do not join us. They were 3 steps away at the bar, so it wasn’t a big deal, but kinda.

I get up every so often to talk to both of them. We laugh we talk.. but they never join the table.

Joey then goes off to chat up a group of women. I try to engage Doug. Doug talks to me, but he’s not instigating any conversation.

Joey then calls Doug back to the group of women he’s chatting up. Doug joins him and stays there. At this point, I’m hurt. I have no idea what’s going on.

Doug comes back to my side of the bar on and off. Never instigates conversation. Talks when spoken to. Leaves to chat up other women. Doesn’t return to talking to me or finishing our conversations.

I text Joey asking if Doug is no longer interested. Joey texts back that he’s confused on why I’d even think that. So Doug is still interested as far as Joey knows.

The karaoke is over and I ask them if they’re going to join us all at the next place.  Doug said he was game if Joey was. Joey confirms yes.

At the next place, Joey and I finally have a heart to heart about where we stand. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but it did. He looks at me with pain in his eyes and said while his hand pointing to me and then him and then me again in repetitive motion.

“This is very important to me. I never want to lose your friendship.”

I replied equally emotional making the same gesture. “This is very important to me too. And I know you’re no in a place for it to be more than friends, and I don’t want to lose what we have. Which is why I wanted to have this talk about Doug.”

I continued. “I need to know if me being with Doug now and if it doesn’t work out.. if that will affect the possibility of us getting together in the future. Because I don’t want to lose you or the possibility of more someday if we’re both in that same space.”

He smiled. “It won’t. I really just want you to be happy. So just friends for now.”

I smiled and winked jokingly. “Friends with maybe more?”

He grinned. “I’d like that.”

So at that.. I was free to pursue Doug. I leave Joey and immediately start flirting with Doug. Doug is nice and friendly but constantly finds a reason to leave and doesn’t return. He instead stops and flirts with two girls.

I up my game. I do everything I can to make it clear that I’m interested.

I even boldly ask him to kiss me. He responds obviously flattered and laughs as if I said something funny, but he doesn’t kiss me.

He was leaving the next morning, and I really wanted to kiss him to see if there was chemistry.. also possibly to fuck his brains out later. But he was not cooperating.

Intoxicated and not sure wtf to do. I assumed Joey and Doug had talked. [Spoiler: They hadn’t]

I got bolder. Touching him. Caressing his back. Interrupting him when he was talking to the girls. Following him around when he’d leave and not return.

He bought me drinks.. then he’d leave me.  He’d be nice. Talk to me. Then leave again.

I gave up. Closed out as the bar was closing. Went out the exit to wait for them.

They came out but did not say good bye to me or even look for me. I thought maybe I’d catch him on the good bye and try to figure out wtf was going on… but I didn’t get that chance.

So I’m pissed. I text him.

M – “If you’re not interested, you can just say so.”

D – “Was driving and just got to Joey’s.. I really didn’t understand what was going on until Joey said you were interested which completely confused me.”

M – “Well took a bit for me and Joey to be on the same page. Life is confusing. But yes, I’ve been interested since Thursday and tried to make it abundantly clear tonight.

Thus the I want to kiss you comment.

And you seemed less than interested. So I wasn’t sure what to do.

There’s only so much assaulting that I’m willing to do. I’d rather not be arrested.”

D – “I figured the kiss comment was alcohol induced and because of Thursday, just let it go.”

M – “No. I wanted to kiss you before you left to know if it was worth even keeping in touch or trying.

I could play it as alcohol induced to save any pride I might still have. But no.”

D – “You haven’t lost any pride… I just had too much to drink and wasn’t grasping what you were trying to convey.”  [Dense much?]

M – “Ok. So when do you leave tomorrow?”

D – “Tomorrow morning”

M – “Morning isn’t my friend. 🙁 “

D – “Why’s that?”

M – “Because I’m not a functional adult? 🙂 I’ll probably still be sleeping off tonight.

I feel like with all the confusion and miscommunication that we missed out.

Unless you’re up for a few more hours tonight”

D – “I’m in bed and about to fall fast asleep… plus I figured you had a thing for Joey and Thursday didn’t work out because I was what you weren’t interested in.”

M – “Joey and I needed to have a chat. Yes, I’m into Joey but we’re not in the same place. And I’m not waiting around until we are. I just needed to clarify with him that pursuing you wouldn’t necessarily eliminate any possible future with him.

So I like you.

And if we worked out. Awesome.

If we didn’t. I would still want Joey as an option.

That’s what I wanted to clarify with Joey.

But honestly after Joey’s actions tonight I would have pursued you anyway.

I’m just trying not to fuck up everything and because I’m me I end up doing that anyway.”

[I’m probably a bit too honest. And yes I want my cake and eat it too.]

D – “No need to apologize, wires were crossed and miscommunications were had.. it’s ok :)”

M – “Yeah but you’re leaving.”

He doesn’t reply again. I instead text a booty call and go have the sex that I thought would be with Doug.

This morning I text him as a way to feel out where he’s at [Spoiler: I still don’t know]

I send him a silly meme.

M – “Sorry for the embarrassing display last night. I was way more forward than I ever am.

Have a good trip home.”

D – “Goodness girl, you didn’t embarrass yourself at all and thank you :)”

M – “Oh I did. You don’t know my normal to gauge it. My replay today is nothing short of “OMG”. But it’s comforting to know that you don’t agree. Lol”

D – “Nothing to worry about.”

And that’s it. I have no idea if he plans to come down again.. or if we’re going to continue to talk or if this whole weekend was a complete and utter waste of my time.

The End.

Aug 062018
 

dating depression lonelinessShocker.. I’ve started dating again. I wasn’t planning on it, but one day there was a meme going around about how if you don’t ask for what you want you’ll never get it. And another stating that if you don’t grab or go for it now, someone else will take it.

So I decided to start saying “Yes”. Yes to dating. Yes to meeting people. Yes to getting out of my comfort zone.

And for a minute it looked like it was going well. I started dating two guys in one week. That lasted about 3 days.

One decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

The other decided to not text me back for 2 days and then call me at 4:45 AM.

The one that didn’t want a relationship.. I attempted to do FWB.

But that seems to have also backfired.

I like him. I like him like him. And when I’m away from him, I’m totally fine. Chill.

When I’m around him, I want to be around him. I want to rip off his clothes. I want to learn every thing about him. I want to abduct him away to a hotel somewhere for a 2-day sex-a-thon where we never get dressed and only eat room service.

This of course… freaks him the hell out.

I get it. If there was a guy I wasn’t all that into… who responded that way.. I’d be running for the hills too.

But I don’t want to be with him 24/7. I just want to him out of my system. Usually a 2-day sex-a-thon works.

But I’ve also been having major issues with depression this past week.. the urgent panic kind of depression.

Really not good.

And I’ve figured out.. that Mr FWB has awakened the sexy part of me that I let go dormant.. and now I feel alone. Alone in a way that is hopeless and devastating.

And I’m not sure how to make it stop.

Feb 072018
 

javier-penas-scaryI haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I’ve not been dating or wanting to date or not even wanting to have sex.

A few weeks ago, I realized it was because I was scared. But the scared back then wasn’t the scared I am.

See since last June, I’ve had an ex that harasses me and stalks me. The stress of it and that it seems to be a pattern with me.. of picking the wrong men/boys… I stopped wanting to date altogether.

But I didn’t stop going out.

A few months ago, I was date rape drugged.. but nothing happened. I got home safe and sound.

But it happened again this passed weekend. Same bar. Same time. Same night of the week.  Fortunately I had my drink confiscated 1/4 the way through, and a friend driving me home.

But now I’m scared that someone is targeting me.  I went all my life until now without any date rape drugs being slipped to me, didn’t even happen in college. Now twice in just a few months?

Worse, is that I watch my drink religiously. So they have to get close to me and drop in my drink as I’m walking around.

Which likely means I know them.

Which makes it even more scary.

Oct 102017
 

holding handsI have been stewing on this for a day or so. I know I’ve written about him before, but I don’t think I’ve used his name.

I met Brian back in June. I’ve seen him on and off since then. Always at the same bar. We usually chat for a bit, but recently he’s come to wait for me at the end of the night and walk me to my car.

Once we get to my car, we chat for a while holding hands and sometimes kiss.

He’s always chivalrous, kind, and cautious. He never asks me out though. Just random meeting at the bar.

Two weeks ago I saw him, and that’s when he started being odd. He told me that he probably wouldn’t be around this past weekend. He had a thing on Friday, and on Saturday he was supposed to be out of town.

Never before has he disclosed his schedule like that.

But last Friday, I got to the bar and there he was. Supposedly his event ended early. We hung out the rest of evening talking, and he walked me to my car. We talked more and held hands. Both hands. Then kissed goodnight.

When I showed up at the bar on Saturday night (I wasn’t expecting to see him), there he was again. This time he was sad, and I was distracted. I had a bunch of friends show up that I’d not seen in a while, so I was flitting around. But he lingered near, and I introduced him to my friends.. he introduced me to his as the night went… but we didn’t really get to talk.

He was sad because a guy who frequented the bar had been in a serious accident, and a girl who I’d inferred that he’d been interested in was there.. and she knew the guy.

So he wanted to be there for her.. so he didn’t walk me to my car.

And that hurt.

I don’t remember if he found out she was still married (she’s divorcing) that night or the next.

Anyway, the next day I texted him to see if he’d heard anything else about the guy who got hurt. He said he’d just found out the guy died. I asked if he needed to talk or if he wanted to grab a drink, that I’d meet him somewhere.

He replied that there were a bunch of people at the bar hanging out in a group coping thing. He did not invite me. He didn’t say he wanted me there. He just told me about it.

I hesitated, but decided to just show up and see.

There were about 10 people there, and he was sitting there next to the girl from last night (she’s also a friend of mine btw, and I know she’s not interested in dating anyone right now).  And my heart sunk.

There were enough other people I knew that I went to other people first and gave out hugs.  He got up shortly after seeing me, and walked around the table to me.

But like the night before, he gave me “friend hugs”… not face to face, but one armed side hugs.. like he wanted to make sure people looking on didn’t think we were together.

Then.. I’m not sure what happened.. but he stayed close to me the rest of the night.  We talked with other people of course, but he was right beside me almost all night.

If he left my side, he made sure to tell me exactly where he was going and why.

At one point, the girl, Brian, and I were all outside talking. She was more talking to him than I, and I was feeling hot, so I took a couple steps back, and his head swung to look at me asking with his face where I was going.. a hurt look on his face.  I told him I was hot and I needed to go inside.  He relaxed a bit, but seemed torn whether to stay outside or follow me. I told him to stay outside if he wanted, it was ok.  He relaxed a little, but wasn’t certain.

I went inside and sat down. The bar was pretty empty (it was a Sunday night) so there were plenty of empty seats.

A few minutes later he came in and sat beside me and we talked a bit. Then the girl came in and sat beside him, and he talked to her.

A guy friend of mine came and chatted with me. Every time I turned my chair, or made any kind of movement that I might be leaving my seat… Brian would turn to check and start to ask if I was leaving.

I haven’t been that watched in ages. It felt like we were a couple. He was like that the rest of the night.

As the bar closed, he walked me to my car, and our hands fell together and held for a moment while we stood next to my car.

He saw in the distance some people from the “mourning group” that we’d not seen in a while, and I could tell he wanted to check on them to make sure people were ok and had rides.  He’s sweet and responsible like that.

So I walked with him. We get over to them, and we’re talking to one group when he sees someone standing off to the side. He excuses himself and says he needs to check on her.

Next thing I know she’s got her arm around him and he’s walking her to the parking lot. My heart sinks a bit. His back was to me, so he couldn’t see it, but he then extracted himself from her and motioned to me.. and met me in the middle half way.

He explained to me about her. That she was going to stay the night at his place. I offered my spare room.. he said she’d be staying in his spare room.. as it dawned on him how I could be taking it.

I walked back to my car and noticed he was also walking that way.  I asked if they needed a ride to his truck (we’d previously discussed it was at the furthest point from where we are).  He hesitated and then said yes that would be nice.

But just him. He’d drive over to pick her up.

He sits in my car and I drive off. We get to his truck, and I stop. His hand holds mine tightly, fingers entwined, and he looks into my eyes.

I thought maybe he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. He thanked me profusely for showing up, and that he really appreciated it.

I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. It was one of those moments. My heart leapt.

I’m starting to fall for him. Like really fall for him. But I honestly have no idea where we stand. It’s entirely possible we’re just friends.

Oct 062017
 

Him: I’m only a “good boy” in public, And on fb

Me: Hmm.. so I should carry pepper spray if we’re alone.. Got it.

Him: Ugh!!! No

Me: -ordering pepper spray on amazon right now-

Him: I’m not evil
Or a rapist
You’re fine

Me: uh huh..

Him: HEY!!!

Me: So.. you wanna maybe hang out sometime in 3-4 days.

Him: In 3-4 days?

Me: Gotta wait for the pepper spray to arrive.

Him: Lmao. Ass!!!

____

Just to update..

Things with Mr TakeMe ended over a month .. probably two months ago now. He took a sledgehammer to things on purpose and fucked it all up beyond repair. Looking back, he was abusive like everyone else I’ve dated lately… just not in the ways I’ve ever known before.

Not once did I feel unwanted (well not until the sledgehammering). I never felt fat. Or ugly. Or less than.

Really he did help me raise the bar for people I date.

I miss sex with him. I miss it like I lost my arm. I’ve tried having sex with others since. It’s equivalent of trying to drink tomato juice when all you want is a bloody mary. Not satisfying and not really worth it.

Tonight a guy I’d been trying to date.. where I thought things were going well a month ago.. we’re both shy..

Until I asked him for help at the bar because I didn’t want this crazy guy to walk me to my car, and he declined and encouraged me to let crazy guy walk me to my car despite my objections. That hurt. That not only hurt as someone I was trying to eventually get with, but as a woman asking a male friend for protection.

The above quoted texts are from him and I tonight. Supposedly he got drunk and texted me. Evidently he’s interested.

It’s just going to be a while until I trust him again. Denying help (safety) when a female friend asks for it, is right up there with encouraging your friends to rape a girl at a party.

I confronted him with it a couple weeks ago. He said he was sorry and didn’t realize the situation.. He didn’t seem to remember it.  But I do, and it’s a pretty large nail in his character assessment.

I’m also chatting with a promising guy off OkStupid. He’s either revolting or cute. Probably revolting, given my luck, but his photos show both. We’ll see.

Garath is back and wanting me again. He has good reasons for flaking on me, but I no longer find him sexually attractive.. and it doesn’t help that I remember our last time together as bad (degradingly bad on my part – nothing like feeling like shit after sex) or that he has severe impotence issues. Do I even need to mention his habit of mansplaining?

And I completely forgotten the pseudonym I gave Mr NiceGuy. I’m certain I’ve written about him before. I love being around him. He calms me. I can relax. Saw him this passed Saturday night, we hung out like we’d been dating for years. Then at the end of the night, he walked me to my car like he always does when I see him. Then he grabbed my hand and held it while we chatted. I grabbed for his other hand with mine and he grabbed that one too. We hugged several times, and did a couple peck kisses.  I don’t think he’s decided quite yet what he wants, but it’s obvious I’m still on the menu ideas.

Aug 032017
 

Photo by Toa Heftiba on UnsplashLast night was amazing. Ok. maybe not amazing.. but after a day of going to an impromptu memorial and watching the people I love cry and be midst all that sadness..

I needed a refill of positive. I was so drained that I slept from when I got home until around 1am.

In a rare occurrence, Mr TakeMe has been oddly attentive lately.

When I texted him when I got home from the memorial asking him if we could cuddle tonight because I needed it due to the memorial.

I fully expected him to not respond. He doesn’t like emotions he says. He doesn’t like neediness. He has never ever been there for me before when I actually requested it via text.

So I expected to be ignored or told “Maybe” which is his usual go-to.

He instead replied, “I’m not in town but I’ll let you know when I get back.”

And about midnight, he texted again. Unfortunately I didn’t wake up until 1am. Which I texted him that I’d just woken up.

He wanted to meet, and we met at a bar just before last call.  Then back to his place.

He tells me, “Why don’t you ever stay?”

I tell him that I’m allergic to something in his apt.  He doesn’t understand, and it’s too long of a list to explain.

He looks at me and there’s a sadness in his voice, “Do you know what it’s like to go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up and you’re not there?”  My heart broke a little.

___

Remember how I posted awhile ago about how he’s slowly coming around to the fact that he loves me? He is. But he’s also still in denial.

The other night, it was kinda funny. This girl (platonic friend) friend of his joined us at the bar, and she told him when they went to go smoke that I loved him and that he was hurting me.

He basically told her to mind her own business, and came out to tell me about what she said. I don’t deny it, but I also make it clear that she can fucking bite me and that I’m still out there dating other people.

He has been oddly nice and there for me since then, and using emotive terms like “Honey” and “Love” in reference to me. And then last night…

___

At his place, he tells me it’s just going to be cuddling. Which I’m oddly fine with given the day I had.

So we lay down.. him the big spoon.. and about 1 minute later, he says, “Go get the towel”

“What happened to just cuddling?” I tease.

“Do you not want me to fuck you?” he teasingly threatens. He knows full well the answer to that.

I get the towel.

He presses me to the bed and teases me.

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

He tries to make me beg. I don’t beg .. like ever.. but I tried to meet him halfway so as to not spoil the moment.

After sex, we return to cuddling.. only my head in the nook of his shoulder, and his arms around me. We sleep that way most of the night. In the past, he’s moved because I put his shoulder to sleep or whatever..

Last night he held me close. If I stirred, or he stirred, he’d hug me back close to him. It was very emotional.. at least for me.. and exactly what I needed.

This morning, we had sex again.. and then started our days.

I keep waiting for him to return to his asshole ways.. it’ll probably be today.

Jul 312017
 

Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash

People keep asking me what it is about Mr. TakeMe that makes him the love of my life or why I love him.

And it’s complicated to answer, but also simple.

I love his natural smell.

I love the way his skin is cool to the touch, smooth, and rarely sweaty.

I love that even when he’s sweaty.. it’s not gross.

I love his body.

I love his penis.

I love the way we have sex.

I love the way he cuddles after.

I love the way we fit together.

I love his kisses.

I love his lips.

I love his bald head.

I love how great of a father he is.

I love how he handles my crazy instead of running.

I love that we can fight, and still neither of us really leaves.

 

I don’t love that he can’t be honest with himself. I don’t love that he won’t let anyone in.

But there are moments when we’re together, when he lets me in. When he forgets to fight his feelings, when the whole of his heart opens. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

Those moments.. I’ve never been loved like that before. It’s like being enveloped by a warm soft fluffy comforter, and the pain in places you didn’t even realize were scarred start to heal. Like the sky opens up and angels sing.

But then that moment is over. But your scars have healed a bit, and the world looks brighter.

We got together again tonight briefly. There wasn’t much of “loving” going on, partly because he had a coughing fit and both of us remembered he has cancer. So he was trying to keep his mind off it.

But then we laid down and cuddled. And he hugged me to him like he was clinging to me for life.  My head in the nook of his shoulder and my lips against his neck. He held me like that for a very long time, and we talked until he started snoring.

Every time I’d try to relax the hug, he’d tug me closer.  I could have stayed that way forever.

Him: “Are you ok?” (checking to make sure I’m comfortable, which he’s never done in that soft tone of voice before.)

Me: “yes, are you?”

I felt it.. and he felt it.. the moment. It lingered for a few seconds, and then he let me go and turned over.

He’s never turned over before with me. His back to me. I rubbed and cuddled his back until he fell asleep.. I told his sleeping ears that I loved him and then I went home.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

*********** Pssst..

I almost forgot. While we were having sex, I was just a little too close to the headboard so occasionally my head would bang against it. I made him stop so I could move down a little, but he was actually trying to bang my head into the headboard (not hurting but just touching, and I could press my hands against the headboard to stop him). So it was kinda a fight.

Then a few minutes later, he’s still going and forgets we’re close to the headboard, and bangs his own head against it with his thrusting.

I haven’t laughed that hard in days. We moved away from the headboard after that. 

Jul 302017
 

Photo by Chad Madden on UnsplashI woke up this morning (Saturday) feeling like roadkill. Way too much drink last night. Took me until 7pm to even leave bed, and I only did that because I was in such a funk that I needed to be around people.

I should have stayed home. Drama drama drama. George still thinks I’m going to go back to him, and he’s starting fights with other people now too.

Which these other people, talk to me about. Has nothing to do with me, but they tell me anyway.

Crazy stalker chick keeps following me around the bar.

None of my good friends are out. So I’m stuck trying to talk to people I barely know.

Super annoying.

Then Mr TakeMe messages me. He wants me to join him and this new girl and another guy.

For the full story. I need to back up to Thursday. I didn’t even write about Thursday because it was so humiliating. Basically, he invited me along to be the third wheel  (it was his birthday party, but only me and her showed) and watch him fawn all over this new girl. Then at the end of the night, he told me he needed me to come over.. but he didn’t. She was there. And he told me, if he had to choose, he was choosing her.  So basically there was no reason for me to even leave my house at all except to get it flaunted in my face that he was ready to treat her better than he ever has me.

It ripped me apart, and I exited his place that night.. and let out a wail like a wounded animal in his driveway.  I’ve been having panic attacks since.

So tonight when he asked me to join his party and make it a 4-some. I was livid. I told him no. I told him that I wasn’t interested in sharing. Period. I was not going to be a 4th wheel. He replied, “You’d only be the third wheel”.

Steam I swear came out my ears like on the cartoons.

I declined and called him an asshole. Told him to fuck off.

He stopped messaging me for a bit.. then about an hour later, I get a text begging me to come over. She was fucking the other guy and he couldn’t handle it.

I laughed my ass off. Because I knew he wouldn’t handle it. Because of the way he was on Tuesday, he doesn’t even want another man in the room.

But she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know that he’s a monogamous/one-on-one guy.

She thinks he this way because he’s a hedonist. She doesn’t know he’s this way because he’s trying not to have to feel anything.

She also doesn’t know that he loves me. She looks at me like she can beat me at being Mr TakeMe’s favorite.

And maybe she can.. but I doubt it.  Especially after tonight I doubt it. He will have a hard time looking at her the same.

But also.. she doesn’t know that he really needs love, and she isn’t capable of it.

I found out tonight that they don’t snuggle. (Just like him and I used to be only sex in the beginning) And she doesn’t even come close to staying over.

But also.. she doesn’t touch him like I do. Mostly because she doesn’t love him. And as much as he fights against any kind of emotion in sex, that bridge has already been crossed.. and that is why I will always win until he falls for someone else.

After a long long argument, in which I slapped him right good across the face/neck, we started to make up.

She and her (after sneaking into Mr TakeMe’s phone to snoop) boyfriend (her regular lover), left Mr Takeme’s place and came out to join us in the driveway. They had just finished having sex in his bed.

She started to touch him and hold his hand… he saw my face and pulled away.  She saw my face and tried again. He got up and came over to me, away from her. Good Boy.

Her boyfriend tried to introduce himself to me, but I was less than polite. I wanted both of them gone.

Mr TakeMe grabbed my hand and started to lead me inside for sex, when she interjected that he needed to drive them back to their cars.

I stopped walking.

I looked at him and asked, “You all drove together here?” The anger/rage was a clear undertone in my voice.

He said, “Yes”

I ordered, “Then we’re taking them home now.”

He tried to continue leading me inside, and tore my hand from his.

“We’re taking them home now, or I am leaving!”

There was no further discussion other than which car to take… mine or his. Due to inebriation and safety, we took mine.

She tried to grab his hand again.. she was sitting in the backseat behind him. He held her hand for a moment before letting go.

We get them to their cars, and I ask Mr TakeMe “Do we need to be polite and wait for them to get in their cars?”

He replied, “No” with a callous uncaring (about them) tone that made me smile.  So I sped away back to his place. We fight a little more on the way back. Mostly me telling him what an asshole he was the other night…

Him: “I said what? OMG I’m so sorry. That was cruel.”

Me: “And then you told me that you would always choose her.”

Him: “That is so wrong. I’m sorry. I deserved that slap earlier.”

Me: “Yes you did.. and more.”

Me: “Darling, I don’t care what you do when you’re not with me (this is a lie but I don’t tell him that), but don’t you fucking ever rub my face in it again.  Also, I never want to hear that girl’s name again. EVER. I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to hear about her. NOTHING. Do you hear me?”

Him: “Yes, that’s fair.”

We get to his place and he wants to stay outside for a smoke. I ask him about his cancer. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but I can tell he needs to. He needs someone to tell him it’ll be ok.

According to him, he has stage 2. If he does nothing, he’ll live 3 years. Chemo might give him 7 years. Radiation and Chemo might give him 10 years.. maybe.

Evidently he has a lot of family history of it.

He breaks down and I hold him while he cries. I ask him when he got the news. He says a couple weeks ago. I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says he hasn’t told anyone. He doesn’t have anyone, he says.. and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

But I continue to hold him, and he continues to cry.  I don’t know if his estimates are right, but it means he’ll never see his boys grow up.

We go inside, and he can’t pull himself together. It’s still eating at him. So we try a couple distractions that I know usually get his mind off things… and it works.

I kiss his nipple, and he proclaims how much he’s missed me. I know all (or at least almost all) the things he likes, and he spent most of the rest of the night as if every touch reminded him of why he liked me… almost with a tone of “why do I bother with anyone else?”

Evidently she and her boyfriend had been trying to get him hard all night, and nothing. I barely get my clothes off and he’s hard.

One of these days, he’s going to actually figure out that he loves me.

He’s just fighting it because he’s scared… scared of relationships.. scared that he’ll get attached and I’ll leave him… scared that he doesn’t have anything to offer (cancer) and he’ll be a burden.

He’s really not good for me, but I can’t seem to help but love him.