Apr 102019

Doug and I texted over the next few weeks, but he kept setting off my mental/emotional abuse triggers with things that seemed like gaslighting, ridicule, and sometimes just plain meanness.

He came back into town a couple weeks later. He didn’t tell me. Supposedly he wanted to surprise me?

I ran into them both at karaoke. Doug and I had just been texting not but a few minutes earlier and he didn’t even mention being in town.

I wasn’t prepared. I’d just come from a social draining event where I managed to get into one of my dangerous allergens (not the nose run kind, but the ER visit kind) and was only out so if my meds suddenly stopped working… I was in public in a trusted place and someone would likely call 911 for me.

So full of adrenaline and being pissed as hell because I wasn’t prepared for Doug to be in town.

Things did not go well. Doug told me he thought we’d just be better as friends. I told him I was disappointed, but agreed.

We texted for the next week or so. He stopped being an ass in text and was actually being fun and friendly.

Then suddenly he wasn’t. He just turned mean. Gaslighting. Lying. Then saying he was “just joking”.. even when I said I didn’t find that kind of thing humorous and that it triggered my PTSD.. he continued. And laughed about it.

I haven’t texted him since, and will most likely never speak to him again.


But it did trigger me to start seeking help for what is obviously a major issue. Echoing. Fawning. Disassociating. Emotional Flashbacks. That are not only effecting my ability to be in a relationship, but seriously effecting my ability to walk away when I should walk the fuck away…

Not to mention effecting my ability to actually choose a beneficial partner.

Feb 032019

Photo by Ken Treloar on UnsplashI have a new story. It’s long. There’s tons of backstory. And the future story yet to happen is murky at best.

Welcome to the Confusion Brothers!  [They’re not really brothers, just long long term friends]

I met Joey (not his real name) at karaoke about a year ago when he was happily married. He’s a flirt but he was harmless as he was.. I repeat.. happily married. Or so he thought.

Over the next few months, I’d come to meet his wife. Who I liked and got along well with, but she didn’t come out to karaoke every time. He and I clicked well and developed a mutually respectful friendship. We talked about everything and became close friends. Platonic friends.

Not that I didn’t find him attractive, and we’d even had a couple conversations over the months about how we found the other attractive.. usually in the way of reassuring the other that neither of us were ugly. Him reassuring me due to my complete failure at dating. Me reassuring him because he’s a little vain and insecure about growing older (his job is active and prefers younger people due to the active nature).

But he was married. So that was a no for me. And he was happily married with ethics (extremely averse to cheating which I found out later, stay tuned.) so it was a no for him too.

Thus friendship. A good friendship.

He mentioned several times that he wanted me to meet his best friend. He thought we’d make a good pair. I – having been setup by friends on previous occasions – was more than skeptical. Several times his friend was supposed to be down visiting (he lives 4-5 hours away), but would cancel. And I wasn’t really taking it seriously anyway.  He also described his friend in un-glowing terms like “short” “sexually experimentative” “fun” “never married” “no kids” “goes through girlfriends quickly”…

To which, I’d reply.. “Oh yes, keep going. It’s like a laundry list of red flags right there.”

He’d laugh and insist that Doug was a great guy, and I’d understand if I met him. “Just meet him. You’ll like him. I think you two would be great together.”

Then over Christmas while I was out of town for a couple weeks, he caught his wife cheating on him. For him that’s a burn the bridge offense. So they separated.

And things got.. different. The whole reason we weren’t dating was suddenly removed. But he wasn’t in a place to be dating, so I adjusted to be more of a wing-woman. He needed to go sow some oats.. which I understood and I did not want to be the Rebound Girl.  So he’d get a little too drunk, and I’d let him cry on my shoulder, or other “drunk baby-sitting” tasks.

And the few times he’d mention or drunk hit on me, I’d tell him no. “No honey. You’re not single enough yet for me.”

Then he began bringing up his best friend again. That I needed to meet him. That I’d like him. That we’d be good together.  [insert headspin]

Well the time came this weekend where his BFF Doug finally made an appearance, but Joey didn’t text me to tell me. I just happened to run into them at karaoke on a Thursday night.

At first look, Doug is not that impressive. He’s short. He’s not bad looking, just your average guy. Cute but not overly cute. But his stature and body remind me of the great sex guy I used to “date”, and I immediately wonder if he’s great at sex.. but maybe without the dickhead feature of my ex.

Joey made a brief introduction and then moved out of the way so Doug and I could talk. Then a bit later Joey came back to standing beside me, doing his normal touchy stuff (he’s a touchy-feely guy and most of it is platonic), and I realize that to Doug … Joey and I look a bit couple-ish.

And since Joey and I hadn’t had any conversation about where we actually stand with each other. Do we plan to date down the road? Are we just friends forever? What’s going on?

I had no idea how I was supposed to behave.

As the night progressed, I tried to get to know Doug better, but it was clear that neither Doug nor I knew who was going to end up with who.

There was a talk about a threesome. They’d evidently discussed that before even coming out that night. With me. Not just any girl. Joey said they specifically discussed having a threesome with me.  Joey said it was Doug’s idea. Since Joey has never been openly sexual with me nor have we discussed likes/dislikes of sex, I initially believed him. Doug however politely tried to tell me that it was really Joey’s idea.

Joey also talked privately to me… charmingly joking, feeling me out on my sexual preferences.. which he had never done before.. and he wasn’t asking for Doug. He was asking for himself.

Now let me remind you, I’m supposed to be meeting Doug for the purpose of me and Doug getting together.

And Joey’s doing his best impression of secretly cock-blocking his BFF.  And I have no idea wtf is going on.

I don’t know Doug. Doug lives hours away. Most guys don’t date their BFF’s ex. So if there was a future possibility of being with Joey where I already knew what kind of man he was and we had a good level of trust and communication already… I was going to choose that.

Joey tried to tell me that it wouldn’t be a problem, but he was tipsy and I didn’t believe him. We needed to have an honest conversation about it when he was more sober.

I tried to focus on getting to know Doug better. I learned very little, but Doug was warming up to me and acting interested, but I couldn’t tell if he was being friendly interested in his BFF’s friend or if he was actually interested.

It was confusing as all fuck.

By the way, during this time music comes on that is more club music with groove beat to it, and Doug starts dancing in his seat. The guy can move. It was fucking hot. My “thing” for seeing men doing that ONE thing they’re amazing at that lights them up.. totally switched on. And had we been alone without all this other mess, I’d have had a hard time keeping my hands to myself.

Bar closes and we walk out to our cars. Mine is first, and they walk to me to it. Joey’s out of it, and keeps walking.. but Doug stops to say good night and gives me a hug. It’s awkward, but I feel like I could really like him. Maybe.

Then Doug calls to Joey to get him to stop walking away, and Joey laughs and comes back to say good night to me. He gives me one of his long hugs. Longer than usual. He releases me slowly, also unusual. Stops. Holds me. Looks into my eyes.. and I know he’s going to kiss me. He’s never done this before. I take it as a sign that he doesn’t want me with Doug. He kisses me two soft pecks on the lips. Nothing major. But the message was received.  I looked at Doug’s face and I knew he caught it too.

So I was super happy going home. Joey does like me like that. We both know he’s not ready to be with me, but he’s not ready to cut that option either.

I get home, and Joey texts asking if I want company.

A. My house looks like a hoarder’s den.

B. I know he’s not ready to be with me.

So I text him back telling him that he can’t come over but we could meet at the all night diner.  He declines.

Doug texts me too. Joking about feeling left out. We text-talk for a bit.

The next morning, Joey texts me repeated apologies for his behavior last night. How he regrets it. How he crossed a line. That we’re just friends. And that Doug likes me.

Knife. Heart.

I tell him he didn’t cross a line. If he had, he’d know… cuz I’m not the kinda girl to just let that shit happen. I reassure him that our friendship wasn’t in jeopardy.  (Our future of  ever being together was, but the friendship was fine)

I don’t hear from them again that day, but they show up for my birthday party/gathering the next night after that (Saturday).

Joey is happy to see me. Standing close. Being his normal self. Doug is off to the side and less friendly.

I kneedle Joey about picking up women’s numbers. Attempting to make sure Doug knows that Joey and I are back to being JUST FRIENDS. Joey says he’s done with that. He’s not in a space to be dating or picking up women. I pretend not to believe him.

Joey leaves us to go sing and I try to engage with Doug. He’s not responding. He’s not being mean or unfriendly, just doing his own thing.

More of my friends show up so I’m distracted engaging with them. Making sure they have drinks, know where to sign up to sing, and that they’re greeted and happy.

More friends then show up so I move the party to the tables instead of the bar. Joey and Doug do not join us. They were 3 steps away at the bar, so it wasn’t a big deal, but kinda.

I get up every so often to talk to both of them. We laugh we talk.. but they never join the table.

Joey then goes off to chat up a group of women. I try to engage Doug. Doug talks to me, but he’s not instigating any conversation.

Joey then calls Doug back to the group of women he’s chatting up. Doug joins him and stays there. At this point, I’m hurt. I have no idea what’s going on.

Doug comes back to my side of the bar on and off. Never instigates conversation. Talks when spoken to. Leaves to chat up other women. Doesn’t return to talking to me or finishing our conversations.

I text Joey asking if Doug is no longer interested. Joey texts back that he’s confused on why I’d even think that. So Doug is still interested as far as Joey knows.

The karaoke is over and I ask them if they’re going to join us all at the next place.  Doug said he was game if Joey was. Joey confirms yes.

At the next place, Joey and I finally have a heart to heart about where we stand. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but it did. He looks at me with pain in his eyes and said while his hand pointing to me and then him and then me again in repetitive motion.

“This is very important to me. I never want to lose your friendship.”

I replied equally emotional making the same gesture. “This is very important to me too. And I know you’re no in a place for it to be more than friends, and I don’t want to lose what we have. Which is why I wanted to have this talk about Doug.”

I continued. “I need to know if me being with Doug now and if it doesn’t work out.. if that will affect the possibility of us getting together in the future. Because I don’t want to lose you or the possibility of more someday if we’re both in that same space.”

He smiled. “It won’t. I really just want you to be happy. So just friends for now.”

I smiled and winked jokingly. “Friends with maybe more?”

He grinned. “I’d like that.”

So at that.. I was free to pursue Doug. I leave Joey and immediately start flirting with Doug. Doug is nice and friendly but constantly finds a reason to leave and doesn’t return. He instead stops and flirts with two girls.

I up my game. I do everything I can to make it clear that I’m interested.

I even boldly ask him to kiss me. He responds obviously flattered and laughs as if I said something funny, but he doesn’t kiss me.

He was leaving the next morning, and I really wanted to kiss him to see if there was chemistry.. also possibly to fuck his brains out later. But he was not cooperating.

Intoxicated and not sure wtf to do. I assumed Joey and Doug had talked. [Spoiler: They hadn’t]

I got bolder. Touching him. Caressing his back. Interrupting him when he was talking to the girls. Following him around when he’d leave and not return.

He bought me drinks.. then he’d leave me.  He’d be nice. Talk to me. Then leave again.

I gave up. Closed out as the bar was closing. Went out the exit to wait for them.

They came out but did not say good bye to me or even look for me. I thought maybe I’d catch him on the good bye and try to figure out wtf was going on… but I didn’t get that chance.

So I’m pissed. I text him.

M – “If you’re not interested, you can just say so.”

D – “Was driving and just got to Joey’s.. I really didn’t understand what was going on until Joey said you were interested which completely confused me.”

M – “Well took a bit for me and Joey to be on the same page. Life is confusing. But yes, I’ve been interested since Thursday and tried to make it abundantly clear tonight.

Thus the I want to kiss you comment.

And you seemed less than interested. So I wasn’t sure what to do.

There’s only so much assaulting that I’m willing to do. I’d rather not be arrested.”

D – “I figured the kiss comment was alcohol induced and because of Thursday, just let it go.”

M – “No. I wanted to kiss you before you left to know if it was worth even keeping in touch or trying.

I could play it as alcohol induced to save any pride I might still have. But no.”

D – “You haven’t lost any pride… I just had too much to drink and wasn’t grasping what you were trying to convey.”  [Dense much?]

M – “Ok. So when do you leave tomorrow?”

D – “Tomorrow morning”

M – “Morning isn’t my friend. 🙁 “

D – “Why’s that?”

M – “Because I’m not a functional adult? 🙂 I’ll probably still be sleeping off tonight.

I feel like with all the confusion and miscommunication that we missed out.

Unless you’re up for a few more hours tonight”

D – “I’m in bed and about to fall fast asleep… plus I figured you had a thing for Joey and Thursday didn’t work out because I was what you weren’t interested in.”

M – “Joey and I needed to have a chat. Yes, I’m into Joey but we’re not in the same place. And I’m not waiting around until we are. I just needed to clarify with him that pursuing you wouldn’t necessarily eliminate any possible future with him.

So I like you.

And if we worked out. Awesome.

If we didn’t. I would still want Joey as an option.

That’s what I wanted to clarify with Joey.

But honestly after Joey’s actions tonight I would have pursued you anyway.

I’m just trying not to fuck up everything and because I’m me I end up doing that anyway.”

[I’m probably a bit too honest. And yes I want my cake and eat it too.]

D – “No need to apologize, wires were crossed and miscommunications were had.. it’s ok :)”

M – “Yeah but you’re leaving.”

He doesn’t reply again. I instead text a booty call and go have the sex that I thought would be with Doug.

This morning I text him as a way to feel out where he’s at [Spoiler: I still don’t know]

I send him a silly meme.

M – “Sorry for the embarrassing display last night. I was way more forward than I ever am.

Have a good trip home.”

D – “Goodness girl, you didn’t embarrass yourself at all and thank you :)”

M – “Oh I did. You don’t know my normal to gauge it. My replay today is nothing short of “OMG”. But it’s comforting to know that you don’t agree. Lol”

D – “Nothing to worry about.”

And that’s it. I have no idea if he plans to come down again.. or if we’re going to continue to talk or if this whole weekend was a complete and utter waste of my time.

The End.

Aug 062018

dating depression lonelinessShocker.. I’ve started dating again. I wasn’t planning on it, but one day there was a meme going around about how if you don’t ask for what you want you’ll never get it. And another stating that if you don’t grab or go for it now, someone else will take it.

So I decided to start saying “Yes”. Yes to dating. Yes to meeting people. Yes to getting out of my comfort zone.

And for a minute it looked like it was going well. I started dating two guys in one week. That lasted about 3 days.

One decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

The other decided to not text me back for 2 days and then call me at 4:45 AM.

The one that didn’t want a relationship.. I attempted to do FWB.

But that seems to have also backfired.

I like him. I like him like him. And when I’m away from him, I’m totally fine. Chill.

When I’m around him, I want to be around him. I want to rip off his clothes. I want to learn every thing about him. I want to abduct him away to a hotel somewhere for a 2-day sex-a-thon where we never get dressed and only eat room service.

This of course… freaks him the hell out.

I get it. If there was a guy I wasn’t all that into… who responded that way.. I’d be running for the hills too.

But I don’t want to be with him 24/7. I just want to him out of my system. Usually a 2-day sex-a-thon works.

But I’ve also been having major issues with depression this past week.. the urgent panic kind of depression.

Really not good.

And I’ve figured out.. that Mr FWB has awakened the sexy part of me that I let go dormant.. and now I feel alone. Alone in a way that is hopeless and devastating.

And I’m not sure how to make it stop.

Feb 072018

javier-penas-scaryI haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I’ve not been dating or wanting to date or not even wanting to have sex.

A few weeks ago, I realized it was because I was scared. But the scared back then wasn’t the scared I am.

See since last June, I’ve had an ex that harasses me and stalks me. The stress of it and that it seems to be a pattern with me.. of picking the wrong men/boys… I stopped wanting to date altogether.

But I didn’t stop going out.

A few months ago, I was date rape drugged.. but nothing happened. I got home safe and sound.

But it happened again this passed weekend. Same bar. Same time. Same night of the week.  Fortunately I had my drink confiscated 1/4 the way through, and a friend driving me home.

But now I’m scared that someone is targeting me.  I went all my life until now without any date rape drugs being slipped to me, didn’t even happen in college. Now twice in just a few months?

Worse, is that I watch my drink religiously. So they have to get close to me and drop in my drink as I’m walking around.

Which likely means I know them.

Which makes it even more scary.

Oct 102017

holding handsI have been stewing on this for a day or so. I know I’ve written about him before, but I don’t think I’ve used his name.

I met Brian back in June. I’ve seen him on and off since then. Always at the same bar. We usually chat for a bit, but recently he’s come to wait for me at the end of the night and walk me to my car.

Once we get to my car, we chat for a while holding hands and sometimes kiss.

He’s always chivalrous, kind, and cautious. He never asks me out though. Just random meeting at the bar.

Two weeks ago I saw him, and that’s when he started being odd. He told me that he probably wouldn’t be around this past weekend. He had a thing on Friday, and on Saturday he was supposed to be out of town.

Never before has he disclosed his schedule like that.

But last Friday, I got to the bar and there he was. Supposedly his event ended early. We hung out the rest of evening talking, and he walked me to my car. We talked more and held hands. Both hands. Then kissed goodnight.

When I showed up at the bar on Saturday night (I wasn’t expecting to see him), there he was again. This time he was sad, and I was distracted. I had a bunch of friends show up that I’d not seen in a while, so I was flitting around. But he lingered near, and I introduced him to my friends.. he introduced me to his as the night went… but we didn’t really get to talk.

He was sad because a guy who frequented the bar had been in a serious accident, and a girl who I’d inferred that he’d been interested in was there.. and she knew the guy.

So he wanted to be there for her.. so he didn’t walk me to my car.

And that hurt.

I don’t remember if he found out she was still married (she’s divorcing) that night or the next.

Anyway, the next day I texted him to see if he’d heard anything else about the guy who got hurt. He said he’d just found out the guy died. I asked if he needed to talk or if he wanted to grab a drink, that I’d meet him somewhere.

He replied that there were a bunch of people at the bar hanging out in a group coping thing. He did not invite me. He didn’t say he wanted me there. He just told me about it.

I hesitated, but decided to just show up and see.

There were about 10 people there, and he was sitting there next to the girl from last night (she’s also a friend of mine btw, and I know she’s not interested in dating anyone right now).  And my heart sunk.

There were enough other people I knew that I went to other people first and gave out hugs.  He got up shortly after seeing me, and walked around the table to me.

But like the night before, he gave me “friend hugs”… not face to face, but one armed side hugs.. like he wanted to make sure people looking on didn’t think we were together.

Then.. I’m not sure what happened.. but he stayed close to me the rest of the night.  We talked with other people of course, but he was right beside me almost all night.

If he left my side, he made sure to tell me exactly where he was going and why.

At one point, the girl, Brian, and I were all outside talking. She was more talking to him than I, and I was feeling hot, so I took a couple steps back, and his head swung to look at me asking with his face where I was going.. a hurt look on his face.  I told him I was hot and I needed to go inside.  He relaxed a bit, but seemed torn whether to stay outside or follow me. I told him to stay outside if he wanted, it was ok.  He relaxed a little, but wasn’t certain.

I went inside and sat down. The bar was pretty empty (it was a Sunday night) so there were plenty of empty seats.

A few minutes later he came in and sat beside me and we talked a bit. Then the girl came in and sat beside him, and he talked to her.

A guy friend of mine came and chatted with me. Every time I turned my chair, or made any kind of movement that I might be leaving my seat… Brian would turn to check and start to ask if I was leaving.

I haven’t been that watched in ages. It felt like we were a couple. He was like that the rest of the night.

As the bar closed, he walked me to my car, and our hands fell together and held for a moment while we stood next to my car.

He saw in the distance some people from the “mourning group” that we’d not seen in a while, and I could tell he wanted to check on them to make sure people were ok and had rides.  He’s sweet and responsible like that.

So I walked with him. We get over to them, and we’re talking to one group when he sees someone standing off to the side. He excuses himself and says he needs to check on her.

Next thing I know she’s got her arm around him and he’s walking her to the parking lot. My heart sinks a bit. His back was to me, so he couldn’t see it, but he then extracted himself from her and motioned to me.. and met me in the middle half way.

He explained to me about her. That she was going to stay the night at his place. I offered my spare room.. he said she’d be staying in his spare room.. as it dawned on him how I could be taking it.

I walked back to my car and noticed he was also walking that way.  I asked if they needed a ride to his truck (we’d previously discussed it was at the furthest point from where we are).  He hesitated and then said yes that would be nice.

But just him. He’d drive over to pick her up.

He sits in my car and I drive off. We get to his truck, and I stop. His hand holds mine tightly, fingers entwined, and he looks into my eyes.

I thought maybe he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. He thanked me profusely for showing up, and that he really appreciated it.

I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. It was one of those moments. My heart leapt.

I’m starting to fall for him. Like really fall for him. But I honestly have no idea where we stand. It’s entirely possible we’re just friends.

Oct 062017

Him: I’m only a “good boy” in public, And on fb

Me: Hmm.. so I should carry pepper spray if we’re alone.. Got it.

Him: Ugh!!! No

Me: -ordering pepper spray on amazon right now-

Him: I’m not evil
Or a rapist
You’re fine

Me: uh huh..

Him: HEY!!!

Me: So.. you wanna maybe hang out sometime in 3-4 days.

Him: In 3-4 days?

Me: Gotta wait for the pepper spray to arrive.

Him: Lmao. Ass!!!


Just to update..

Things with Mr TakeMe ended over a month .. probably two months ago now. He took a sledgehammer to things on purpose and fucked it all up beyond repair. Looking back, he was abusive like everyone else I’ve dated lately… just not in the ways I’ve ever known before.

Not once did I feel unwanted (well not until the sledgehammering). I never felt fat. Or ugly. Or less than.

Really he did help me raise the bar for people I date.

I miss sex with him. I miss it like I lost my arm. I’ve tried having sex with others since. It’s equivalent of trying to drink tomato juice when all you want is a bloody mary. Not satisfying and not really worth it.

Tonight a guy I’d been trying to date.. where I thought things were going well a month ago.. we’re both shy..

Until I asked him for help at the bar because I didn’t want this crazy guy to walk me to my car, and he declined and encouraged me to let crazy guy walk me to my car despite my objections. That hurt. That not only hurt as someone I was trying to eventually get with, but as a woman asking a male friend for protection.

The above quoted texts are from him and I tonight. Supposedly he got drunk and texted me. Evidently he’s interested.

It’s just going to be a while until I trust him again. Denying help (safety) when a female friend asks for it, is right up there with encouraging your friends to rape a girl at a party.

I confronted him with it a couple weeks ago. He said he was sorry and didn’t realize the situation.. He didn’t seem to remember it.  But I do, and it’s a pretty large nail in his character assessment.

I’m also chatting with a promising guy off OkStupid. He’s either revolting or cute. Probably revolting, given my luck, but his photos show both. We’ll see.

Garath is back and wanting me again. He has good reasons for flaking on me, but I no longer find him sexually attractive.. and it doesn’t help that I remember our last time together as bad (degradingly bad on my part – nothing like feeling like shit after sex) or that he has severe impotence issues. Do I even need to mention his habit of mansplaining?

And I completely forgotten the pseudonym I gave Mr NiceGuy. I’m certain I’ve written about him before. I love being around him. He calms me. I can relax. Saw him this passed Saturday night, we hung out like we’d been dating for years. Then at the end of the night, he walked me to my car like he always does when I see him. Then he grabbed my hand and held it while we chatted. I grabbed for his other hand with mine and he grabbed that one too. We hugged several times, and did a couple peck kisses.  I don’t think he’s decided quite yet what he wants, but it’s obvious I’m still on the menu ideas.

Aug 032017

Photo by Toa Heftiba on UnsplashLast night was amazing. Ok. maybe not amazing.. but after a day of going to an impromptu memorial and watching the people I love cry and be midst all that sadness..

I needed a refill of positive. I was so drained that I slept from when I got home until around 1am.

In a rare occurrence, Mr TakeMe has been oddly attentive lately.

When I texted him when I got home from the memorial asking him if we could cuddle tonight because I needed it due to the memorial.

I fully expected him to not respond. He doesn’t like emotions he says. He doesn’t like neediness. He has never ever been there for me before when I actually requested it via text.

So I expected to be ignored or told “Maybe” which is his usual go-to.

He instead replied, “I’m not in town but I’ll let you know when I get back.”

And about midnight, he texted again. Unfortunately I didn’t wake up until 1am. Which I texted him that I’d just woken up.

He wanted to meet, and we met at a bar just before last call.  Then back to his place.

He tells me, “Why don’t you ever stay?”

I tell him that I’m allergic to something in his apt.  He doesn’t understand, and it’s too long of a list to explain.

He looks at me and there’s a sadness in his voice, “Do you know what it’s like to go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up and you’re not there?”  My heart broke a little.


Remember how I posted awhile ago about how he’s slowly coming around to the fact that he loves me? He is. But he’s also still in denial.

The other night, it was kinda funny. This girl (platonic friend) friend of his joined us at the bar, and she told him when they went to go smoke that I loved him and that he was hurting me.

He basically told her to mind her own business, and came out to tell me about what she said. I don’t deny it, but I also make it clear that she can fucking bite me and that I’m still out there dating other people.

He has been oddly nice and there for me since then, and using emotive terms like “Honey” and “Love” in reference to me. And then last night…


At his place, he tells me it’s just going to be cuddling. Which I’m oddly fine with given the day I had.

So we lay down.. him the big spoon.. and about 1 minute later, he says, “Go get the towel”

“What happened to just cuddling?” I tease.

“Do you not want me to fuck you?” he teasingly threatens. He knows full well the answer to that.

I get the towel.

He presses me to the bed and teases me.

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

He tries to make me beg. I don’t beg .. like ever.. but I tried to meet him halfway so as to not spoil the moment.

After sex, we return to cuddling.. only my head in the nook of his shoulder, and his arms around me. We sleep that way most of the night. In the past, he’s moved because I put his shoulder to sleep or whatever..

Last night he held me close. If I stirred, or he stirred, he’d hug me back close to him. It was very emotional.. at least for me.. and exactly what I needed.

This morning, we had sex again.. and then started our days.

I keep waiting for him to return to his asshole ways.. it’ll probably be today.

Jul 312017

Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash

People keep asking me what it is about Mr. TakeMe that makes him the love of my life or why I love him.

And it’s complicated to answer, but also simple.

I love his natural smell.

I love the way his skin is cool to the touch, smooth, and rarely sweaty.

I love that even when he’s sweaty.. it’s not gross.

I love his body.

I love his penis.

I love the way we have sex.

I love the way he cuddles after.

I love the way we fit together.

I love his kisses.

I love his lips.

I love his bald head.

I love how great of a father he is.

I love how he handles my crazy instead of running.

I love that we can fight, and still neither of us really leaves.


I don’t love that he can’t be honest with himself. I don’t love that he won’t let anyone in.

But there are moments when we’re together, when he lets me in. When he forgets to fight his feelings, when the whole of his heart opens. Those are the moments that make it all worth it.

Those moments.. I’ve never been loved like that before. It’s like being enveloped by a warm soft fluffy comforter, and the pain in places you didn’t even realize were scarred start to heal. Like the sky opens up and angels sing.

But then that moment is over. But your scars have healed a bit, and the world looks brighter.

We got together again tonight briefly. There wasn’t much of “loving” going on, partly because he had a coughing fit and both of us remembered he has cancer. So he was trying to keep his mind off it.

But then we laid down and cuddled. And he hugged me to him like he was clinging to me for life.  My head in the nook of his shoulder and my lips against his neck. He held me like that for a very long time, and we talked until he started snoring.

Every time I’d try to relax the hug, he’d tug me closer.  I could have stayed that way forever.

Him: “Are you ok?” (checking to make sure I’m comfortable, which he’s never done in that soft tone of voice before.)

Me: “yes, are you?”

I felt it.. and he felt it.. the moment. It lingered for a few seconds, and then he let me go and turned over.

He’s never turned over before with me. His back to me. I rubbed and cuddled his back until he fell asleep.. I told his sleeping ears that I loved him and then I went home.


1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

*********** Pssst..

I almost forgot. While we were having sex, I was just a little too close to the headboard so occasionally my head would bang against it. I made him stop so I could move down a little, but he was actually trying to bang my head into the headboard (not hurting but just touching, and I could press my hands against the headboard to stop him). So it was kinda a fight.

Then a few minutes later, he’s still going and forgets we’re close to the headboard, and bangs his own head against it with his thrusting.

I haven’t laughed that hard in days. We moved away from the headboard after that. 

Jul 302017

Photo by Chad Madden on UnsplashI woke up this morning (Saturday) feeling like roadkill. Way too much drink last night. Took me until 7pm to even leave bed, and I only did that because I was in such a funk that I needed to be around people.

I should have stayed home. Drama drama drama. George still thinks I’m going to go back to him, and he’s starting fights with other people now too.

Which these other people, talk to me about. Has nothing to do with me, but they tell me anyway.

Crazy stalker chick keeps following me around the bar.

None of my good friends are out. So I’m stuck trying to talk to people I barely know.

Super annoying.

Then Mr TakeMe messages me. He wants me to join him and this new girl and another guy.

For the full story. I need to back up to Thursday. I didn’t even write about Thursday because it was so humiliating. Basically, he invited me along to be the third wheel  (it was his birthday party, but only me and her showed) and watch him fawn all over this new girl. Then at the end of the night, he told me he needed me to come over.. but he didn’t. She was there. And he told me, if he had to choose, he was choosing her.  So basically there was no reason for me to even leave my house at all except to get it flaunted in my face that he was ready to treat her better than he ever has me.

It ripped me apart, and I exited his place that night.. and let out a wail like a wounded animal in his driveway.  I’ve been having panic attacks since.

So tonight when he asked me to join his party and make it a 4-some. I was livid. I told him no. I told him that I wasn’t interested in sharing. Period. I was not going to be a 4th wheel. He replied, “You’d only be the third wheel”.

Steam I swear came out my ears like on the cartoons.

I declined and called him an asshole. Told him to fuck off.

He stopped messaging me for a bit.. then about an hour later, I get a text begging me to come over. She was fucking the other guy and he couldn’t handle it.

I laughed my ass off. Because I knew he wouldn’t handle it. Because of the way he was on Tuesday, he doesn’t even want another man in the room.

But she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know that he’s a monogamous/one-on-one guy.

She thinks he this way because he’s a hedonist. She doesn’t know he’s this way because he’s trying not to have to feel anything.

She also doesn’t know that he loves me. She looks at me like she can beat me at being Mr TakeMe’s favorite.

And maybe she can.. but I doubt it.  Especially after tonight I doubt it. He will have a hard time looking at her the same.

But also.. she doesn’t know that he really needs love, and she isn’t capable of it.

I found out tonight that they don’t snuggle. (Just like him and I used to be only sex in the beginning) And she doesn’t even come close to staying over.

But also.. she doesn’t touch him like I do. Mostly because she doesn’t love him. And as much as he fights against any kind of emotion in sex, that bridge has already been crossed.. and that is why I will always win until he falls for someone else.

After a long long argument, in which I slapped him right good across the face/neck, we started to make up.

She and her (after sneaking into Mr TakeMe’s phone to snoop) boyfriend (her regular lover), left Mr Takeme’s place and came out to join us in the driveway. They had just finished having sex in his bed.

She started to touch him and hold his hand… he saw my face and pulled away.  She saw my face and tried again. He got up and came over to me, away from her. Good Boy.

Her boyfriend tried to introduce himself to me, but I was less than polite. I wanted both of them gone.

Mr TakeMe grabbed my hand and started to lead me inside for sex, when she interjected that he needed to drive them back to their cars.

I stopped walking.

I looked at him and asked, “You all drove together here?” The anger/rage was a clear undertone in my voice.

He said, “Yes”

I ordered, “Then we’re taking them home now.”

He tried to continue leading me inside, and tore my hand from his.

“We’re taking them home now, or I am leaving!”

There was no further discussion other than which car to take… mine or his. Due to inebriation and safety, we took mine.

She tried to grab his hand again.. she was sitting in the backseat behind him. He held her hand for a moment before letting go.

We get them to their cars, and I ask Mr TakeMe “Do we need to be polite and wait for them to get in their cars?”

He replied, “No” with a callous uncaring (about them) tone that made me smile.  So I sped away back to his place. We fight a little more on the way back. Mostly me telling him what an asshole he was the other night…

Him: “I said what? OMG I’m so sorry. That was cruel.”

Me: “And then you told me that you would always choose her.”

Him: “That is so wrong. I’m sorry. I deserved that slap earlier.”

Me: “Yes you did.. and more.”

Me: “Darling, I don’t care what you do when you’re not with me (this is a lie but I don’t tell him that), but don’t you fucking ever rub my face in it again.  Also, I never want to hear that girl’s name again. EVER. I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to hear about her. NOTHING. Do you hear me?”

Him: “Yes, that’s fair.”

We get to his place and he wants to stay outside for a smoke. I ask him about his cancer. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but I can tell he needs to. He needs someone to tell him it’ll be ok.

According to him, he has stage 2. If he does nothing, he’ll live 3 years. Chemo might give him 7 years. Radiation and Chemo might give him 10 years.. maybe.

Evidently he has a lot of family history of it.

He breaks down and I hold him while he cries. I ask him when he got the news. He says a couple weeks ago. I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says he hasn’t told anyone. He doesn’t have anyone, he says.. and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

But I continue to hold him, and he continues to cry.  I don’t know if his estimates are right, but it means he’ll never see his boys grow up.

We go inside, and he can’t pull himself together. It’s still eating at him. So we try a couple distractions that I know usually get his mind off things… and it works.

I kiss his nipple, and he proclaims how much he’s missed me. I know all (or at least almost all) the things he likes, and he spent most of the rest of the night as if every touch reminded him of why he liked me… almost with a tone of “why do I bother with anyone else?”

Evidently she and her boyfriend had been trying to get him hard all night, and nothing. I barely get my clothes off and he’s hard.

One of these days, he’s going to actually figure out that he loves me.

He’s just fighting it because he’s scared… scared of relationships.. scared that he’ll get attached and I’ll leave him… scared that he doesn’t have anything to offer (cancer) and he’ll be a burden.

He’s really not good for me, but I can’t seem to help but love him.

Jul 292017

Photo by Michael Mroczek on UnsplashSo tonight was interesting. Tonight I got into a long conversation with a woman (lesbian) who I have a platonic crush on. It was a good long conversation.

Which oddly enough my favorite eye candy, Blake – heart throb/would kill if we dated – later joined in and agreed that I am SHIT at picking out men.

Because I am.

I now have an entire two bars worth of people (and one restaurant) who are vetting my men for me. It’s sweet and a bit creepy… but mostly sweet.

I remember calling Blake my bar husband. This had not been discussed before, but it happened. And he went with it. Bless him. And when I disclaimered that it could change at any time, he looked crushed. So my dearest Blake, is my bar husband for now until at least tomorrow.  It’s ok. He proclaimed me his favorite of all people the other night and told me he loved me (as a customer) so I think we’re good.

I would really love to fuck Blake at least once. Just once have him ravage me. But I don’t think that will happen any day soon, and if it did.. things would get awkward.. so Bar Husband it is.

I did run into my newest favorite bar friend. Mike. I don’t know if he’s interested or if we’re just friends. It’s really hard to tell since I only see him once he’s really drunk.

It took all of my self-control to not kiss him. We’d be talking and there’d be this moment when he’s awkwardly looking me in the eyes.. and …

I don’t know what to do. Do I kiss him? Do I wait?

So I waited for a clear sign. There was none.

So here we are in limbo.. waiting.. hoping..

All in all it was a pretty great night, and one that was sorely needed.

The end of the night was… well, I probably shouldn’t do shots.. detailed slightly in my last post, which I wrote while I was still drunk.  But there’s probably security footage of me getting naked in the parking lot.

Basically, I am likely having a mid-life crisis and living the life I should have lived in my 20’s.