Welcome to the Confusion Brothers! [They’re not really brothers, just long long term friends]
I met Joey (not his real name) at karaoke about a year ago when he was happily married. He’s a flirt but he was harmless as he was.. I repeat.. happily married. Or so he thought.
Over the next few months, I’d come to meet his wife. Who I liked and got along well with, but she didn’t come out to karaoke every time. He and I clicked well and developed a mutually respectful friendship. We talked about everything and became close friends. Platonic friends.
Not that I didn’t find him attractive, and we’d even had a couple conversations over the months about how we found the other attractive.. usually in the way of reassuring the other that neither of us were ugly. Him reassuring me due to my complete failure at dating. Me reassuring him because he’s a little vain and insecure about growing older (his job is active and prefers younger people due to the active nature).
But he was married. So that was a no for me. And he was happily married with ethics (extremely averse to cheating which I found out later, stay tuned.) so it was a no for him too.
Thus friendship. A good friendship.
He mentioned several times that he wanted me to meet his best friend. He thought we’d make a good pair. I – having been setup by friends on previous occasions – was more than skeptical. Several times his friend was supposed to be down visiting (he lives 4-5 hours away), but would cancel. And I wasn’t really taking it seriously anyway. He also described his friend in un-glowing terms like “short” “sexually experimentative” “fun” “never married” “no kids” “goes through girlfriends quickly”…
To which, I’d reply.. “Oh yes, keep going. It’s like a laundry list of red flags right there.”
He’d laugh and insist that Doug was a great guy, and I’d understand if I met him. “Just meet him. You’ll like him. I think you two would be great together.”
Then over Christmas while I was out of town for a couple weeks, he caught his wife cheating on him. For him that’s a burn the bridge offense. So they separated.
And things got.. different. The whole reason we weren’t dating was suddenly removed. But he wasn’t in a place to be dating, so I adjusted to be more of a wing-woman. He needed to go sow some oats.. which I understood and I did not want to be the Rebound Girl. So he’d get a little too drunk, and I’d let him cry on my shoulder, or other “drunk baby-sitting” tasks.
And the few times he’d mention or drunk hit on me, I’d tell him no. “No honey. You’re not single enough yet for me.”
Then he began bringing up his best friend again. That I needed to meet him. That I’d like him. That we’d be good together. [insert headspin]
Well the time came this weekend where his BFF Doug finally made an appearance, but Joey didn’t text me to tell me. I just happened to run into them at karaoke on a Thursday night.
At first look, Doug is not that impressive. He’s short. He’s not bad looking, just your average guy. Cute but not overly cute. But his stature and body remind me of the great sex guy I used to “date”, and I immediately wonder if he’s great at sex.. but maybe without the dickhead feature of my ex.
Joey made a brief introduction and then moved out of the way so Doug and I could talk. Then a bit later Joey came back to standing beside me, doing his normal touchy stuff (he’s a touchy-feely guy and most of it is platonic), and I realize that to Doug … Joey and I look a bit couple-ish.
And since Joey and I hadn’t had any conversation about where we actually stand with each other. Do we plan to date down the road? Are we just friends forever? What’s going on?
I had no idea how I was supposed to behave.
As the night progressed, I tried to get to know Doug better, but it was clear that neither Doug nor I knew who was going to end up with who.
There was a talk about a threesome. They’d evidently discussed that before even coming out that night. With me. Not just any girl. Joey said they specifically discussed having a threesome with me. Joey said it was Doug’s idea. Since Joey has never been openly sexual with me nor have we discussed likes/dislikes of sex, I initially believed him. Doug however politely tried to tell me that it was really Joey’s idea.
Joey also talked privately to me… charmingly joking, feeling me out on my sexual preferences.. which he had never done before.. and he wasn’t asking for Doug. He was asking for himself.
Now let me remind you, I’m supposed to be meeting Doug for the purpose of me and Doug getting together.
And Joey’s doing his best impression of secretly cock-blocking his BFF. And I have no idea wtf is going on.
I don’t know Doug. Doug lives hours away. Most guys don’t date their BFF’s ex. So if there was a future possibility of being with Joey where I already knew what kind of man he was and we had a good level of trust and communication already… I was going to choose that.
Joey tried to tell me that it wouldn’t be a problem, but he was tipsy and I didn’t believe him. We needed to have an honest conversation about it when he was more sober.
I tried to focus on getting to know Doug better. I learned very little, but Doug was warming up to me and acting interested, but I couldn’t tell if he was being friendly interested in his BFF’s friend or if he was actually interested.
It was confusing as all fuck.
By the way, during this time music comes on that is more club music with groove beat to it, and Doug starts dancing in his seat. The guy can move. It was fucking hot. My “thing” for seeing men doing that ONE thing they’re amazing at that lights them up.. totally switched on. And had we been alone without all this other mess, I’d have had a hard time keeping my hands to myself.
Bar closes and we walk out to our cars. Mine is first, and they walk to me to it. Joey’s out of it, and keeps walking.. but Doug stops to say good night and gives me a hug. It’s awkward, but I feel like I could really like him. Maybe.
Then Doug calls to Joey to get him to stop walking away, and Joey laughs and comes back to say good night to me. He gives me one of his long hugs. Longer than usual. He releases me slowly, also unusual. Stops. Holds me. Looks into my eyes.. and I know he’s going to kiss me. He’s never done this before. I take it as a sign that he doesn’t want me with Doug. He kisses me two soft pecks on the lips. Nothing major. But the message was received. I looked at Doug’s face and I knew he caught it too.
So I was super happy going home. Joey does like me like that. We both know he’s not ready to be with me, but he’s not ready to cut that option either.
I get home, and Joey texts asking if I want company.
A. My house looks like a hoarder’s den.
B. I know he’s not ready to be with me.
So I text him back telling him that he can’t come over but we could meet at the all night diner. He declines.
Doug texts me too. Joking about feeling left out. We text-talk for a bit.
The next morning, Joey texts me repeated apologies for his behavior last night. How he regrets it. How he crossed a line. That we’re just friends. And that Doug likes me.
I tell him he didn’t cross a line. If he had, he’d know… cuz I’m not the kinda girl to just let that shit happen. I reassure him that our friendship wasn’t in jeopardy. (Our future of ever being together was, but the friendship was fine)
I don’t hear from them again that day, but they show up for my birthday party/gathering the next night after that (Saturday).
Joey is happy to see me. Standing close. Being his normal self. Doug is off to the side and less friendly.
I kneedle Joey about picking up women’s numbers. Attempting to make sure Doug knows that Joey and I are back to being JUST FRIENDS. Joey says he’s done with that. He’s not in a space to be dating or picking up women. I pretend not to believe him.
Joey leaves us to go sing and I try to engage with Doug. He’s not responding. He’s not being mean or unfriendly, just doing his own thing.
More of my friends show up so I’m distracted engaging with them. Making sure they have drinks, know where to sign up to sing, and that they’re greeted and happy.
More friends then show up so I move the party to the tables instead of the bar. Joey and Doug do not join us. They were 3 steps away at the bar, so it wasn’t a big deal, but kinda.
I get up every so often to talk to both of them. We laugh we talk.. but they never join the table.
Joey then goes off to chat up a group of women. I try to engage Doug. Doug talks to me, but he’s not instigating any conversation.
Joey then calls Doug back to the group of women he’s chatting up. Doug joins him and stays there. At this point, I’m hurt. I have no idea what’s going on.
Doug comes back to my side of the bar on and off. Never instigates conversation. Talks when spoken to. Leaves to chat up other women. Doesn’t return to talking to me or finishing our conversations.
I text Joey asking if Doug is no longer interested. Joey texts back that he’s confused on why I’d even think that. So Doug is still interested as far as Joey knows.
The karaoke is over and I ask them if they’re going to join us all at the next place. Doug said he was game if Joey was. Joey confirms yes.
At the next place, Joey and I finally have a heart to heart about where we stand. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but it did. He looks at me with pain in his eyes and said while his hand pointing to me and then him and then me again in repetitive motion.
“This is very important to me. I never want to lose your friendship.”
I replied equally emotional making the same gesture. “This is very important to me too. And I know you’re no in a place for it to be more than friends, and I don’t want to lose what we have. Which is why I wanted to have this talk about Doug.”
I continued. “I need to know if me being with Doug now and if it doesn’t work out.. if that will affect the possibility of us getting together in the future. Because I don’t want to lose you or the possibility of more someday if we’re both in that same space.”
He smiled. “It won’t. I really just want you to be happy. So just friends for now.”
I smiled and winked jokingly. “Friends with maybe more?”
He grinned. “I’d like that.”
So at that.. I was free to pursue Doug. I leave Joey and immediately start flirting with Doug. Doug is nice and friendly but constantly finds a reason to leave and doesn’t return. He instead stops and flirts with two girls.
I up my game. I do everything I can to make it clear that I’m interested.
I even boldly ask him to kiss me. He responds obviously flattered and laughs as if I said something funny, but he doesn’t kiss me.
He was leaving the next morning, and I really wanted to kiss him to see if there was chemistry.. also possibly to fuck his brains out later. But he was not cooperating.
Intoxicated and not sure wtf to do. I assumed Joey and Doug had talked. [Spoiler: They hadn’t]
I got bolder. Touching him. Caressing his back. Interrupting him when he was talking to the girls. Following him around when he’d leave and not return.
He bought me drinks.. then he’d leave me. He’d be nice. Talk to me. Then leave again.
I gave up. Closed out as the bar was closing. Went out the exit to wait for them.
They came out but did not say good bye to me or even look for me. I thought maybe I’d catch him on the good bye and try to figure out wtf was going on… but I didn’t get that chance.
So I’m pissed. I text him.
M – “If you’re not interested, you can just say so.”
D – “Was driving and just got to Joey’s.. I really didn’t understand what was going on until Joey said you were interested which completely confused me.”
M – “Well took a bit for me and Joey to be on the same page. Life is confusing. But yes, I’ve been interested since Thursday and tried to make it abundantly clear tonight.
Thus the I want to kiss you comment.
And you seemed less than interested. So I wasn’t sure what to do.
There’s only so much assaulting that I’m willing to do. I’d rather not be arrested.”
D – “I figured the kiss comment was alcohol induced and because of Thursday, just let it go.”
M – “No. I wanted to kiss you before you left to know if it was worth even keeping in touch or trying.
I could play it as alcohol induced to save any pride I might still have. But no.”
D – “You haven’t lost any pride… I just had too much to drink and wasn’t grasping what you were trying to convey.” [Dense much?]
M – “Ok. So when do you leave tomorrow?”
D – “Tomorrow morning”
M – “Morning isn’t my friend. 🙁 “
D – “Why’s that?”
M – “Because I’m not a functional adult? 🙂 I’ll probably still be sleeping off tonight.
I feel like with all the confusion and miscommunication that we missed out.
Unless you’re up for a few more hours tonight”
D – “I’m in bed and about to fall fast asleep… plus I figured you had a thing for Joey and Thursday didn’t work out because I was what you weren’t interested in.”
M – “Joey and I needed to have a chat. Yes, I’m into Joey but we’re not in the same place. And I’m not waiting around until we are. I just needed to clarify with him that pursuing you wouldn’t necessarily eliminate any possible future with him.
So I like you.
And if we worked out. Awesome.
If we didn’t. I would still want Joey as an option.
That’s what I wanted to clarify with Joey.
But honestly after Joey’s actions tonight I would have pursued you anyway.
I’m just trying not to fuck up everything and because I’m me I end up doing that anyway.”
[I’m probably a bit too honest. And yes I want my cake and eat it too.]
D – “No need to apologize, wires were crossed and miscommunications were had.. it’s ok :)”
M – “Yeah but you’re leaving.”
He doesn’t reply again. I instead text a booty call and go have the sex that I thought would be with Doug.
This morning I text him as a way to feel out where he’s at [Spoiler: I still don’t know]
I send him a silly meme.
M – “Sorry for the embarrassing display last night. I was way more forward than I ever am.
Have a good trip home.”
D – “Goodness girl, you didn’t embarrass yourself at all and thank you :)”
M – “Oh I did. You don’t know my normal to gauge it. My replay today is nothing short of “OMG”. But it’s comforting to know that you don’t agree. Lol”
D – “Nothing to worry about.”
And that’s it. I have no idea if he plans to come down again.. or if we’re going to continue to talk or if this whole weekend was a complete and utter waste of my time.