Jul 302017

Photo by Chad Madden on UnsplashI woke up this morning (Saturday) feeling like roadkill. Way too much drink last night. Took me until 7pm to even leave bed, and I only did that because I was in such a funk that I needed to be around people.

I should have stayed home. Drama drama drama. George still thinks I’m going to go back to him, and he’s starting fights with other people now too.

Which these other people, talk to me about. Has nothing to do with me, but they tell me anyway.

Crazy stalker chick keeps following me around the bar.

None of my good friends are out. So I’m stuck trying to talk to people I barely know.

Super annoying.

Then Mr TakeMe messages me. He wants me to join him and this new girl and another guy.

For the full story. I need to back up to Thursday. I didn’t even write about Thursday because it was so humiliating. Basically, he invited me along to be the third wheel  (it was his birthday party, but only me and her showed) and watch him fawn all over this new girl. Then at the end of the night, he told me he needed me to come over.. but he didn’t. She was there. And he told me, if he had to choose, he was choosing her.  So basically there was no reason for me to even leave my house at all except to get it flaunted in my face that he was ready to treat her better than he ever has me.

It ripped me apart, and I exited his place that night.. and let out a wail like a wounded animal in his driveway.  I’ve been having panic attacks since.

So tonight when he asked me to join his party and make it a 4-some. I was livid. I told him no. I told him that I wasn’t interested in sharing. Period. I was not going to be a 4th wheel. He replied, “You’d only be the third wheel”.

Steam I swear came out my ears like on the cartoons.

I declined and called him an asshole. Told him to fuck off.

He stopped messaging me for a bit.. then about an hour later, I get a text begging me to come over. She was fucking the other guy and he couldn’t handle it.

I laughed my ass off. Because I knew he wouldn’t handle it. Because of the way he was on Tuesday, he doesn’t even want another man in the room.

But she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know that he’s a monogamous/one-on-one guy.

She thinks he this way because he’s a hedonist. She doesn’t know he’s this way because he’s trying not to have to feel anything.

She also doesn’t know that he loves me. She looks at me like she can beat me at being Mr TakeMe’s favorite.

And maybe she can.. but I doubt it.  Especially after tonight I doubt it. He will have a hard time looking at her the same.

But also.. she doesn’t know that he really needs love, and she isn’t capable of it.

I found out tonight that they don’t snuggle. (Just like him and I used to be only sex in the beginning) And she doesn’t even come close to staying over.

But also.. she doesn’t touch him like I do. Mostly because she doesn’t love him. And as much as he fights against any kind of emotion in sex, that bridge has already been crossed.. and that is why I will always win until he falls for someone else.

After a long long argument, in which I slapped him right good across the face/neck, we started to make up.

She and her (after sneaking into Mr TakeMe’s phone to snoop) boyfriend (her regular lover), left Mr Takeme’s place and came out to join us in the driveway. They had just finished having sex in his bed.

She started to touch him and hold his hand… he saw my face and pulled away.  She saw my face and tried again. He got up and came over to me, away from her. Good Boy.

Her boyfriend tried to introduce himself to me, but I was less than polite. I wanted both of them gone.

Mr TakeMe grabbed my hand and started to lead me inside for sex, when she interjected that he needed to drive them back to their cars.

I stopped walking.

I looked at him and asked, “You all drove together here?” The anger/rage was a clear undertone in my voice.

He said, “Yes”

I ordered, “Then we’re taking them home now.”

He tried to continue leading me inside, and tore my hand from his.

“We’re taking them home now, or I am leaving!”

There was no further discussion other than which car to take… mine or his. Due to inebriation and safety, we took mine.

She tried to grab his hand again.. she was sitting in the backseat behind him. He held her hand for a moment before letting go.

We get them to their cars, and I ask Mr TakeMe “Do we need to be polite and wait for them to get in their cars?”

He replied, “No” with a callous uncaring (about them) tone that made me smile.  So I sped away back to his place. We fight a little more on the way back. Mostly me telling him what an asshole he was the other night…

Him: “I said what? OMG I’m so sorry. That was cruel.”

Me: “And then you told me that you would always choose her.”

Him: “That is so wrong. I’m sorry. I deserved that slap earlier.”

Me: “Yes you did.. and more.”

Me: “Darling, I don’t care what you do when you’re not with me (this is a lie but I don’t tell him that), but don’t you fucking ever rub my face in it again.  Also, I never want to hear that girl’s name again. EVER. I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to hear about her. NOTHING. Do you hear me?”

Him: “Yes, that’s fair.”

We get to his place and he wants to stay outside for a smoke. I ask him about his cancer. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but I can tell he needs to. He needs someone to tell him it’ll be ok.

According to him, he has stage 2. If he does nothing, he’ll live 3 years. Chemo might give him 7 years. Radiation and Chemo might give him 10 years.. maybe.

Evidently he has a lot of family history of it.

He breaks down and I hold him while he cries. I ask him when he got the news. He says a couple weeks ago. I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says he hasn’t told anyone. He doesn’t have anyone, he says.. and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

But I continue to hold him, and he continues to cry.  I don’t know if his estimates are right, but it means he’ll never see his boys grow up.

We go inside, and he can’t pull himself together. It’s still eating at him. So we try a couple distractions that I know usually get his mind off things… and it works.

I kiss his nipple, and he proclaims how much he’s missed me. I know all (or at least almost all) the things he likes, and he spent most of the rest of the night as if every touch reminded him of why he liked me… almost with a tone of “why do I bother with anyone else?”

Evidently she and her boyfriend had been trying to get him hard all night, and nothing. I barely get my clothes off and he’s hard.

One of these days, he’s going to actually figure out that he loves me.

He’s just fighting it because he’s scared… scared of relationships.. scared that he’ll get attached and I’ll leave him… scared that he doesn’t have anything to offer (cancer) and he’ll be a burden.

He’s really not good for me, but I can’t seem to help but love him.

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