I woke up smelling like Jose. Instant depression. I hated myself for being with Jose. I felt like shit. I didn’t want to see anyone.
I slept all day. ALL FUCKING DAY.
I woke up at 8:30pm. Felt a little better about myself, but not much. Decided I wasn’t fit for being around people. Didn’t shower. Attempted to clean house. Gave up.
Turn on the TV.
Checked my messages for Mr. TakeMe.
Decided I was going to be alone forever. Quit dating. Got on a dating app. Gave up on dating again.
And just when I was completely fine with being forever alone again..
Mr. TakeMe messaged me. “Hi”
I messaged him back. He asked me to come over.
Last time he messaged me to come over when he had his kid, I said no. I said I wasn’t comfortable. I said I would need us to be more than just fuck buddies for me to come over while his kid was there. It would just feel wrong.
Last night, I said yes. I jumped in the shower. Half dried my hair. Threw on a some resemblance of makeup. Threw on some clothes.. and drove over to his house.
I get there and we talk outside about his ex. Then we go inside, and instead of just hopping into bed, he wants to start a movie. (it’s 2am mind you) So he starts Goonies.
We cuddle and talk. And talk.
Then he wants to go outside to pee, and I’ve never seen his backyard so I ask him to show it to me. He does. Then he pees. Then he talks more about his backyard.
We go inside. We talk about dating. He says it’s awkward asking people if they want to be monogamous. He talks about dating and this girl he met. He tells me all about previous women. I talk a bit about my previous men. (I don’t mention Jose. I think about it, but it’s not important. And if I talk about Jose, I’ll tell Mr. TakeMe that I’d rather be with him.)
He tells me about these photographs on his walls. They’re amazing. He took them. WHAT? He showed me his “awesome” quality. (so fucking hot)
The entire time felt like he was feeling me out to see if I was interested in more. I don’t know if he was or not, and I was way too chicken to own up to wanting more.
I want him. All of him. ALL OF HIM. I’m way fucking attached. I didn’t mean to be. I didn’t want to be.
But I want to cut that f’n bitch he met. Lucky for him I’m a non-violent person and well ingrained with social etiquette and proper conduct. Also that I’m terrified of going to jail.
So when he asked if I wanted to see his kid (he was going into his kid’s room to re-tuck him in), I went.
Because I’m attached to him.
And because I’m attached to him, when he asked later while we were having sex, if I’d agree to let some other guy fuck me while he watched, and make that guy watch while he fucked me.. I said yes.
Now I’d have said yes a few weeks ago, if no other reason than to cross a 2 guy 1 girl threesome off my bucket list… but last night I said “yes” because I wanted to make him happy.
I’m attached to him. I don’t know if he wants me to be attached to him or not. But I’ll find out.
See I just sent him a message. Telling him I have non-friend feelings for him and asking him if he wants more than just sex buddies with me.
So I’ll find out. I may have just ruined the regular sex thing we had going.. and he may never want to see me again.. but I’ll find out.