I’m sure there’s other factors that went into it as well as my health plays a part in all this odd emotional brain bullshit too.
But feeling clear.. I finally cleaned out my car. I suddenly realized that here I have this beautiful car and instead of actually making the most of it, I was.. continuing to keep it in trash, disorder, making it embarrassing to let anyone in.
Just like I do with my personal life.
And it dawned on me. I’ve been building walls to keep people out with the disorder around me.
I’ve lived in my new place for over 6 months now. I still haven’t fully unpacked. And because I haven’t unpacked, I haven’t had people over. It’s been my excuse for keeping people at bay, while also being lonely because no one comes over.
Self-Sabotage. I am the queen!
So hopefully my health lets me keep this clarity long enough to actually get unpacked and organized and make a functional home here.
After working on cleaning up things around me so someone can actually get in (literally and figuratively), I decided to go out.
I received a very sexy sundress/maxi-dress last week and I was waiting to wear it for Mr TakeMe. (seriously, the dress would have him drooling) but with my recent revelations.. I saw the dress and I thought..
I’m going to go out and strut my sexy self and everyone else will either get on board or fuck off. It felt like freedom and I was embracing the hell out of it.
I go to karaoke, and things go well. I felt good and felt like making friends. I actually talked to a few people I don’t normally and hopefully started some friendships.
Then I head to the bar where I last saw Mr. TakeMe. I’m half hoping he’s there and can see me in this dress, and I’m half hoping he’s not there because who needs that kind of drama.
He’s not there. Good.
Then things got… fun.
I sit down at the bar and order a drink. Some spanish speaking Mexican food worker (still had on his work outfit) sat next to me and started to chat me up by bragging about his work and asking if I ate there, and not understanding me when I did reply and not taking my ignoring him as a clue to shut up.
He left to do something and a guy two seats down starts asking me weird questions about what I’m drinking (I knew he wanted to buy me a drink but I was being my normal pain in the ass flirt) and I tell him, “Alcohol”.
He continues to try to engage me in conversation in a loud bar, from at least 5 ft away.
Annoyed, I move the spanish-speakers drink, and tell the guy to move over and take his seat, because I’m not yelling the entire night.
He moves over and the conversation gets awkward. He starts asking me really personal questions about my work and income that it starts to feel a lot like he’s wanting to sell me financial advice. He however persists in attempting to engage me in conversation.
“Lets talk about something else because this is not working and I’m about to tell you to fuck off.”
It takes him a minute and then he asks if I have pets. So we talk about pets and he mentions having 4 kids. He’s a proud papa.
The bartender keeps coming by to check our drinks and he insists on buying me a second one.. and then tells the bartender to put several of them on his tab for me to drink later… as he announces he has to leave.
He didn’t ask my number or offer his. But when he left, I was finishing one drink with two other drinks in a line before me untouched.
The dress is THAT good.
So I drink myself down to only one drink in my hand, and head outside to see if someone interesting is there. Most of my bar friends smoke so chances are I know someone out there.
I didn’t, but I see this attractive young looking man out there sitting all by himself. Emboldened by the dress, I stand next to his table and start up a conversation. He reciprocates.
I look at his hand for a ring (very obviously, seriously emboldened by the dress) and ask him if he’s single. He is.
I notice that there’s a drink to his side as if he had company. I wonder who and where they are. Should I expect a hot woman to come out of the bathroom at any moment?
I point out the drink, and ask if I’m interrupting something. He quickly moves the drink away from him while explaining.
“Oh, that was my friend, Dayna. She had to leave…” He continued to ramble for a bit making it quite clear that they were just friends, and leaving me enough details about her to realize it’s the same Dayna that I know, who had just said Hi/Bye to me a few minutes ago.
We talk about our shared “friend” for a bit. It seems we both met Dayna the same way. She lost puppied us into embracing her as a friend, even though neither of us know her very well.
We talked about his work. We talked about mine. He told me where he lives (pointed on a map, giving me his street name) and I told him where I lived (even gave him my street name) and we plotted on the map how easy/difficult it would be to get to each other’s place. (because the roads aren’t in a straight line, walking to each other’s place is out, but we’re almost neighbors).
He has two dogs. Which I plan to use against him to see his place someday.
Last call comes around and he offers to buy me a drink. I instead put our drinks on my tab. He shows no sign of macho arrogance or offense or that he’s trilled to have someone pay for his drink because he’s broke. Instead, he reacted perfectly.
He introduces me to his bar friends. They look sketchy, but most people’s bar friends do.
The bar is closing and we pay our tabs and he walks me to my car while holding my hand. YAS!
We talk about our cars. Mine being new and his being 12 years old. We talk about our car history and new vs used and…
We kiss. He tells me it’s been awhile, and that he wants to take things slow. Awhile = 5 years.
I tell you now.. men adulting while obviously wanting more.. super sexy.
We talk more. I try really hard NOT to press things forward sexually.. but I’ve had a line of drinks and he’s being responsible adult sexy. So… I’m not entirely sure I succeeded.
We stood talking and kissing (he’s not a bad kisser but he’s afraid to use his tongue) for an hour and half.
He was having trouble pulling himself away, and I wasn’t really cooperating with that endeavor. I wasn’t forcing myself on him by any means, but I wasn’t making it easy for him to go.
But I finally did.
We exchanged numbers and have a possible something maybe on Sunday. I’m not happy with the tentativeness of the plans, but we’ll see if anything happens.