I’m starting to get attached, and I’m pretty sure that is going to ruin everything.
But I think he’s getting attached too. Maybe.
Tonight he totally cock blocked me at the bar. Which is really not his style, generally he just waves a hello and walks away unless I wave him over. Tonight, he played like he wasn’t going to cock block me, but totally did. He knew he did. He admitted it. He also admitted that he doesn’t regret it.
We’re not seeing each other outside of the bedroom really, just if we happen upon where the other one is.
Generally we just text each other, usually him asking me to come over. He lives almost walking distance so it’s not a hassle. Very convenient good sex.
But mostly this post is me needing to get something written down so I can stop freaking out.
You see… from day one.. I’ve been able to go down on Mr. TakeMe with a few rules (no touching my head or moving). I’ve never finished him off with a blow job, but there’s been oral play. He’s even hinted about it and asked for it, no problems.
Then tonight. I don’t know if it was his inability to follow the “don’t move” or the “don’t touch my head” rules.. or if it was the “dirty talk” coming out of his mouth.. but I got triggered. For a few minutes I continued not realizing I could stop, until he said something (I don’t remember what) and I just couldn’t anymore.
When I stopped, he teased me a little as he had no idea I was triggered… I still don’t think he knows as it’s hard to explain. But we hugged and snuggled a bit. It was quite lovely, but I was holding back the wave of panic. I still am.
He went out for a smoke, and I curled up on the bed and fought back tears and panic.
We had more sex and then laid down and cuddled while he went to sleep (he has early mornings, I don’t).
I stayed much longer than I normally do. Normally at the first sound of snoring, I’m out the door.. but I didn’t want to leave tonight.
Instead, I wanted to stay cuddling and feel him hold me. I needed him to hold me, but I couldn’t keep him awake all night, and his snoring/cuddling wasn’t cutting it. The waves of panic were coming to me.
What does this feel like?
It feels like heartbreak.
It feels like no one will ever love you.
It feels like being yourself isn’t good enough.
It feels like you need to be forgiven for something very bad.
It feels like your entire world is ending.
And I know it’s stupid. I know it’s crazy. And I most definitely know that Mr. TakeMe is more than happy to take that off the menu if I need to. Because while he might like rough sex and bossing me around in the bedroom, he actually doesn’t want to hurt me or do something I don’t want to do.
And my brain knows that. But right now, my heart says I will be alone forever, and my eyes are dropping tears.