May 142017
 

I have been trying to get over George. He stuck with me in a desperate love. The kind where you can’t breathe, the air isn’t as sweet, and you feel sort of panicky and restless.

Then yesterday, George broke his silence. (He tends to communicate via smoke signals on FB) He posted multiple posts on FB, which were aimed at me. Don’t ask me how I know.. I just know. He was all love and kindness. He commented on several of my posts and offered to help me with some of the things I posted about. He was his kind sweet self again. The man I fell for.

After a week and half of silence.. there he was.

He messaged me about how he was possibly going to karaoke. It’s his way of asking me out. Vagueness.

I told him that was great for him, but… one thing lead to another and I told him that I considered us over since I hadn’t heard from in so long.

He acted like I was crazy.

We’d spent almost a month (at least 3 weeks solid) seeing each other every Wed, Friday, Saturday.. or at least planning on it.  Then silence.

I messaged him a week ago that I missed him.

He replied, “I miss me too. LOL”

Fuck no. I’m out. Or I tried to be out. I wanted to be out.. But it wasn’t until his messages yesterday, where suddenly I’m the crazy one for thinking we’re over..

Because, he got sick, and you know the weather does things to his head, and blah blah blah.. none of which he shared with me or told me or communicated at all.

But I’m the crazy one, not him for expecting me to be psychic.

FUCK NO.

This is the kind of shit my ex used to do to me all the time. It triggers me now to acquiesce or even more so, appease. I end up groveling for forgiveness for doing absolutely nothing wrong.  And I saw myself doing it, and I saw it was what he wanted… it was what he expected.

So I messaged one of my male friends who is generally sane and knows me. I asked him. He asked a few questions about how long we’d been seeing each other and whatnot.

He replied, “Honey, I’m not going to tell you that you’re not crazy because we all know you are. 🙂 But in this instance, YOU’RE SANE.”

And something clicked in my head. I started to realize that George wasn’t good for me. He didn’t really love me, and most important, I didn’t love him. I’d just fell into that situation because I’d lived it with my ex for so long it was comfortable. Don’t ask how being gaslighted and emotionally manipulated is comfortable, I can’t explain it.

But the minute I realized what exactly had happened.. I was over it. I saw George post today. I feel nothing.

Last night though, Jose messaged me asking to come over under the guise of teaching me guitar. He showed me a cord, then he asked if there was a series on Netflix or whatever that we could binge watch together.  He says pretty much everything with future plans.

It’s been just over week since we met, and this is the third time I’ve seen him. He texts me every day, and even called and talked to me for hours once.

Last time he was here, he asked if it would be ok if he stayed the night sometime. So last night he did. He snores a little but not bad. I’m sure I snored a bit, but he didn’t seem to complain. He’s a sweet heart of a sleeping companion. There was no groping or trying to hold my boob, but lots of cuddling even while sleeping, and lots of hand holding.

He wasn’t creeped out by my leaving a toothbrush (new in package) for him this morning, or that I brought him a glass of juice. I poured myself one and thought maybe he’d enjoy one too.

He forgot it was Mother’s Day, so he left to spend some time with his mother, and told me his plans for today, then asked if he could come by when he’s done.

A few days ago, I told people that he bored me. He wasn’t exciting to me (not like George), but now that I’m seeing things through a different light. I have a whole new appreciation for Jose.

And I might come to love him eventually. But it won’t be the all-consuming love, the crazy love, the self-destructive love.. It’ll be a love for the man he is.

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