But I also let myself start to fall in love. With George.
He serenades me with karaoke and was inviting me into his world. I could tell he was working hard to share his life with me.
But he also seemed to want to avoid physical contact with me.
Things then got confusing and as I started feeling better.. I wanted more physical contact.. and he wasn’t helping to make that happen.
So on Wednesday, we fought. He said he was leaving karaoke to go home and sleep for work the next day. So I hurried and left so we could at least kiss. Only he didn’t leave and we missed each other in the parking lot.
So thinking he’d left. I drove to his house to catch him before he went to bed. He wasn’t home.
I messaged him asking if he was home yet, not telling him where I was.
He replied stating he was still at the bar and was waiting in the parking lot for me. He wanted to go back in and close down the bar.
I told him I’d rather do “other things”.
He whined about how little he gets to go out (He has some anxiety issues) and asked me to come back to the bar.
I told him no and encouraged him to have fun.
He got upset.
I was upset. So I left his house and drove to mine while calming down.
I sent him a message stating I was reconsidering. He replied that he was already home in bed.
So neither of us got what we wanted.
We’ve had brief contact since. I’m tired of reading his smoke signals and trying to interpret his sending me songs as replies or responding with images.
So when I went out last night, and messaged him that I was at our karaoke bar and missed him.. and he replied with a song called “Whatever”
I decided to find someone else to sleep with, and since I’m a girl and not unattractive.. I did. Pit is a handsome man in a geeky way, and was the most selfish lover I’ve had since I started dating again. While he did make sure I came, he also was insistent on getting his own pleasure.
This was quite a change as the last few guys I’ve been with couldn’t even get it up nor seemed to care about their own needs at all.
Unfortunately though, I was not in the right headspace to be having sex with strangers.. which was demonstrated by my complete lack of caring about having unprotected sex. So there’s a small chance that I could be on my way to having a baby or infected with something vile.
This unsuccessful dating thing and complete lack of anyone local that I feel even gives a shit.. has made it harder to get through my down days. One of which was last night even before George decided to be an ass. People pretend to care but they don’t, and suicide was on my mind.
Those thoughts creep in on my dark days and usually I can manage.. but life is not making that an easy task and I’m finding myself needing my meds more and more often.
If I didn’t enjoy sex so much, I’d stop dating completely. Being totally alone by choice is much more emotionally stable than getting my hopes up and having them constantly bashed.