I had a bad health scare right after my last post, and I’m still not fully recovered. I did meet up with Garath though, but had it not been on the books and been forever since I’d seen him.. I’d not have seen anyone.
During my bad health periods, my mind is negative. It’s not just normal people’s depression but full-on negative about everything and insists on making negative mountains out of molehills.
For example, I’ve been wanting to post to my friends in an effort to seek help or engage.. but that voice in the back of my head keeps telling me they don’t care and how I’m being selfish and no one wants to be around me like this.
It colors how I interpret things. I have been 100% certain that George hates me. I’ve reread our messages, and other than him being a little quieter than normal.. he’s not said anything negative.
I was also dead set on Sunday when Garath left, that things were over. We don’t have another date set. But we’ve chatted a couple times since.
So I’m not sure how much I trust my interpretation of things.
But here’s how things went down in my head.
Garath came over. It was good to see him. Mostly it was soo good to kiss him again after having endured Hair Petter.
We talked and kissed and fooled around.
He says he doesn’t want to dominate me, but he’s been doing that more.. in his actions.. just not in words.
Like he likes pushing the limits of what I can handle as far as cumming and not stopping until I actually say stop… vs stopping when I’m moving my hips away from him.
This last time, he decided to try fisting without consulting me. I trust him so I didn’t say anything until it started to hurt, but he didn’t stop at the first “OW”.. he waited until the second louder “OW”.
It was this.. that made me think he’d stopped caring about me. So I got clingy and needing cuddles and reassurances.. and he was not giving them to me.
It was storming with tornado warnings and his roommate called. During our initial conversations, he told me he refused to talk on the phone, Period. But he answered her call and they talked for a bit. That hurt. That hurt a lot.
We also didn’t have morning sex.. I did finally get him to cum (which obviously requires the right stars in alignment) but then he had to go to work.
That didn’t help my feelings any, and if I didn’t have this stupid health issue which makes me question my responses to things..
But right now.. I feel lonely and ignored and worthless. And I know 50% of that has to be this stupid disease.. but I don’t know. And the not knowing sucks.
I also don’t know how to ask him to clarify things .. without sounding like a needy love crazy silly girl either.