Feb 172017
 

I tried to be cool. I tried to be all.. casual.. as John informed me that he’s polyamorous. We talked and decided to deal with the monogamy issue if it became an issue later.

I agreed.

I mean.. we’d only just started “dating” right?

In my mind it made sense, but that hole wasn’t sure about it. (see previous post for reference) I missed him when I wasn’t with him and I didn’t want to share him.

I DID NOT WANT TO SHARE.

I also didn’t want to be without him. Not one minute.

I didn’t care if we had sex or just watched a movie or if I sat there and played on my phone while he played video games. Hell even if he’d have come over and played on a computer in the other room, I’d have been happy.

Yes I understood.. yes I understand this is “unhealthy” attachment. I guess I didn’t realize how much damage being so isolated for so long was doing to me.

I talked John into coming over to my place two days after Valentines. Technically it was his choice for sex, but I wasn’t making it any less enticing and I think he really just wanted to watch a movie but chose to come over because he thought that’s what I wanted.

Sex didn’t go well. I didn’t mind. I don’t know if he did. He didn’t say, and based on our past conversations.. I trusted he’d tell me if it wasn’t ok.

He was tired and falling asleep.. and despite my urging to stay and sleep at my place.. he left.

And the hole emptied. Gaped wide open and I cried for the next hour.

I’ve never had a man friend not sleep over. (I’ve had one night stands leave, but never someone who was an actual friend.) I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong or could improve.

John never hinted at seeing me again soon or indicated he wanted to.. which hadn’t helped matters any. And I was less than “cool” about him leaving.

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