Feb 202017
 

It’s been 4 days since I’ve seen John. I miss him terribly. I don’t care if we have sex. I actually am still recovering from the marathon of Jose. But I want to be near John. I want to kiss John and cuddle. I want to be in his arms again.

I message John asking to see him sometime soon. I’m really trying not to be pushy, but …

John replies that I seem too emotionally invested and that he think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore.

Being stabbed would have hurt less.

I don’t know what to say. I .. hurt.  My chest hurts. I wonder if I’m having a heart attack. I can’t breathe.

I force myself to take a deep breath.

John messages in his endearingly sweet way that he hopes we can still be friends. That he really wants to still be friends.

I want to rage. I want to beat things and throw tantrums and dissolve into nothing.

I don’t even know what to say back but I said something along the lines of clearly pissed and sure we can be friends.

*** It’s been a few days now ***

I can’t even see his name on my Facebook feed with feeling that stab, without feeling that hole lying empty with no hope to fill it.

I still think of him and cry a little. I’m crying right now as I write this.

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