Jan 282012
 

I have pretty much hit as rock-bottom as I care to… Actually I felt that way last month, and still fell a little deeper anyway.  As most of you know (due to my incessant bitching if nothing else) that I’ve been having a hard time finding a job. Piece-work hasn’t been paying my bills, and has slowly been sucking my soul dry of any ambition to live.

Thus, I have reached a low point.. and actually applied to a “sales job”. Honestly, I couldn’t resist. Here is the ad:

Title: ONLY LOOKING FOR LOSER SALES PEOPLE

Did that get your attention?

If so, read on; you won’t be disappointed.

I was tasked with staffing our office here in Austin for a highly profitable, proven company.
I told the CEO, “The Austin Area has TONS of great salespeople and I will have to be fighting them off when they find out about this opportunity.”

So I’ve posted ads on Craigslist looking for the best of the best.

But you know what I’ve received?

Nothing BUT LOSERS.

People who don’t read the listing and follow basic instructions.
People who don’t research the company (when provided) and tailor a response.
People who send an outdated resume that looks like it was put together by a school kid.
People who ask “Is this full-time?” and “How much you gonna pay me?” and “Can I work Mondays and Wednesdays only?”

Seriously; is this the best you have?

Are you kidding me?

I scheduled interviews and people didn’t show up.
Apparently I only interview people with defective alarm clocks, cars with mechanical issues and other personal calamities.

So what am I to do?

Are there only losers on Craigslist?
Did I craft a posting that only attracts losers?

Here is the opportunity:

Full-time Sales Opportunity 9-6
40k Base Salary PLUS commission – OTE 60-80k
Benefits
Great work environment
Opportunity for advancement

If you are NOT a LOSER, send me a resume.

Don’t waste my time, I wont waste yours.

As such, I just HAD to reply… Here is my cover letter:

“I have to thank you so much for the laughter, as I really needed it after today. I have the reverse issue with Craigslist in that I only seem to find jobs from people who are liars or time-thieves. They either promise me a great job in marketing, only to find it’s one step up from selling Girl Scout cookies, or they’re just trying to see who applies but never plan to actually hire anyone. So I think we both may be jaded a bit.

As far as sales people, there are a few great sales people in town, but most of the great ones are currently employed. I’m not a great sales person, but I am decent at it and a hard worker. I wouldn’t really call myself a loser, but you may have a different opinion. It is a free country, and I’ve not perfected telepathic thought-control yet.

Anyway, if you feel desperate enough to want to give this a shot and fill me in a little more on what exactly you’re wanting sold and what the job entails, I’d be happy to discuss it with you. Well, of course provided that my alarm clock goes off, my car still runs, and my dog doesn’t choose that day to keel over. I’ve included my resume, which wasn’t put together by a school kid but I can put it in comic sans if that will help at all.

Sincerely,

Maruska Morena”

 

 

(no no, not all of my cover letters are that lovely. But I just couldn’t resist.)

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