My last post was a huge stress reliever. Giving up on dating lead to giving up on several more things, and I found myself just letting go.
Some of this letting go was a bad thing.. well for other people anyway. Luckily for the most part I didn’t have anywhere to go or place to be.
You see.. I figured out that if I’m not dating, I have no need to look nice. I have no one to impress.
1. I didn’t take a shower for 4 days straight. (Only took one because I had to leave the apartment, and I figured my friends wouldn’t be my friends any longer if I didn’t shower. Or they’d send me to a mental institution.. )
2. I didn’t shave my legs at all for way over a week. They were a forest, but kept hidden under jeans. (yes I did still have some pride in how I look)
3. I ate whatever I wanted – well for the most part – I didn’t care if it caused my skin to look like a pizza, itch like crazy, make me sick as a dog, or if it was going to make me a mental case. As I said before, I didn’t have anywhere I really needed to be, so F’ it..
I went on a binge of the most minimal self-care possible, and probably the most anti-social I’ve been in years. Not really talking online.. or off.
An outsider might have looked at my mini-rebellion as a severe case of depression I suppose, but it felt like something I needed to do to really reclaim myself, and allow myself the freedom to care about only what I do care about whatever that is.
Turns out.. massively hairy legs.. like a forest.. kinda make me feel icky about myself. A few days growth, I can manage. When it gets long enough to braid it? Uh no. Man or no man.. can’t handle it.
I also have a minimum level of self-dirty that I can accept. 4 days is way too long to wait to shower. I can’t even put into words how disgusting that was. 2 days is really pushing it, especially if I’m not eating right.
From the whole week of my rebellion, my skin looks like a combo platter of a 45 yr old wrinkled lady and 16 yr old pizza face. Dating or not dating.. I’m kinda vain. I’m not the most superficial girl ever made, but if I can easily keep my skin looking a smooth late 20’s versus an obviously aging pizza.. I’m going to choose the smoothness. (I also gained 5 pounds which I can’t really afford either.)
I’ve gotten a much better understanding of just how careful I need to be, and how much of a bad thing the wrong choice might be. (Aka, wrong choices while single.. not a big deal.. wrong choices with sex or sexy man in the picture? big deal.. you’re just going to have to trust me on that one.)
I’ve also started to like to exercise. I know weird. (for those of you who really really know me, you know this is f’n weird for me.) Thing is that I’m not exercising to get in shape for sex, because well I’m not really dating or wanting to date right now, and thats really all I ever exercized for.. to look good for someone else. Right now I’m exercizing because I’m enjoying the feeling of my muscles tightening. The stretching and feeling your muscles become more solid. Know what else.. since I’m not dating and no one to impress (or unimpress) I’m not really self-conscious about exercising turning me into the She-Hulk. (Seriously, this is actually a fear of mine. Sometimes I kinda feel like a man with boobs and a vagina.)
Another thing about this rebellion.. I’ve found the will to write again. Maybe “will” is the wrong word. Desire? Strength? Love?
Or at least for today.