I know I haven’t written in a long time, and mostly thats because I’m trying to find the right words to say what I need to say, without sounding like a whiny bitch or a crazy lady… or like some disease ridden ho-bag…
I promise you all.. You can’t catch what I got.
However, my health.. much to my dismay has deteriorated nearly to the point where I was a few years ago… where nearly all my energy is put into keeping myself healthy, and leaving my home more often than not makes me sick for a couple of days… which is making me feel undatable, unemployable, unreliable, and a little hopeless.
That my bank account is dwindling isn’t helping matters either. Nor is the fact that this greatly impacts anyone I might want to date, let alone kiss or have sex (not that I’ll make them sick, but that they can make me sick for days rather easily).
Add to this, that the last real effort I made into dating.. went into the crapper not for the above reasons.. but because I can’t (emotionally) give blow jobs on a regular basis, and especially not on demand. (Seriously, makes me into a needy, clingy, psycho-bitch with an emotional rollercoaster of unbelievable highs and lows.) I honestly never would have pegged that to be the big dealbreaker with dating me.. there’s sooo many more obvious things that I’d peg first.. but alas, it was.
Ugh.. this is depressing me just reading it. You all should really hear the crap going on inside my head.. then again.. probably better not.
Despite all this.. and feeling quite justifiably “undatable”.. I still feel that I am awesome, amazing, and worth having someone love me. However, in the current circumstances, I’m relatively certain the only men willing to undergo such rigoramorole to be with me are themselves bat-shit-crazy.. and I’ve got enough on my plate right now.
So I’m not sure what to do with my dating life or if I should even bother still having one. Honestly right now, I think about all I can handle is the occaisional one night stand.. or casual sex buddy who only has to jump through my health loops for one day.
I honestly would love to have a steady ongoing relationship with someone who was willing to live the way I need to live to stay healthy.. someone I can rely on, lean on, and trust.
I just don’t see that happening without years of training him, and years of “Ooops honey, I didn’t mean to make you sick.” or “What do you mean I can’t do _____?” explainations.
Because for me right now.. training someone in this is a lot of effort, and not really something I want to do with every Tom, Dick, & Harry. He’d really have to be in it for the long-haul, and a guy like that isn’t going to happen right away.
So right now, I’m going to be concentrating more on finding work, being healthy, and being happy by myself. I’m under so much stress right now trying to do it all and wearing way too many hats, that I find myself failing at everything. Something has to give.
So I’m giving up on my business.. unless some company decides to hire me full time (yeah right), I’m looking into taking a position doing something I’d much rather not do, but it’ll let me work from home, set my own hours, and possibly go back to school.
I won’t be giving up on dating 100%.. and I’ll still be posting stories here now and then… maybe as much as I used to.. maybe not..
I’m just overwhelmed right now.