Aug 012010
 

Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn’t think I was that stressed out, but I guess you can have a ton of stress and mentally block it out.

I met with lawyer for my business stuff, because I wanted to make sure I had everything filed that I needed filed… legally. I didn’t want to wake up in few months or a year to find there’s some kind of whatever I didn’t file, and now I’m looking at jail-time or owe the government $5,000 or something in fees. Turns out, I’m good. Phew.

Immediately after that, I got a message that relieved the rest of the stress. This honestly was the much bigger stressor, but combined the two were extremely massive.

But let me start near the beginning.

A few months ago, I ran into and found interesting a guy on Twitter. He seemed smart. He was opinionated (after my ex, opinionated sounds pretty good, it may not be in the long run, but its something new) and had a bit of something “je ne sais quoi” so to speak.

Then he blocked me. WTF? right? I can’t remember the details but I ended up winning myself back into the good graces, and we started a Twitter friendship. We’d chat, and harmlessly flirt.. as he’s going through a divorce, something I can relate.

Then a few weeks ago (maybe longer).. things started to change. He began to flirt a little more seriously with me. He’s not that far away from me, so meeting isn’t an impossibility or at least not a huge deal.

Then about a week or so ago, he jokingly mentioned that he could use a 4 day never-leave-the-bedroom sex romp. I jokingly offered my services. We teased and flirted about it.  Then one thing lead to another and he asked if I’d like to meet.

He offered to come down to Austin. Get a hotel room for a couple nights, and we’d meet and go out. It seemed overkill for a first meeting, as one night in a hotel would probably be sufficient as no one ever really turns out to be exactly like you think they are online. Sometimes they’re better, but often they are not. But it seemed harmless to meet him if he came down, so I agreed.

He was adamant that he was ok with not seeing my picture beforehand, and that he didn’t need to know anything else about me. Insisting that everything he needed to know for him to meet me, he already knew from my blog. He didn’t care about looks at all. It was sweet in a kinda creepy way.

He told me how well he knew me, and expressed several theories of who I am and what I’m like, and what I need. Most of which were wrong, as the picture he painted of me was of a sweet little innocent girl.. and that is hardly me. I tried to set him straight, but everything I said, he seemed to twist to fit his idea of who I am, rather than adjust his idea to fit the real me.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 1)

This got me scared. Been there done that before.. I started to remember experiences of my past where I’d met men like this. It did not go very well, as these guys were borderline stalkers. I hoped I was wrong, and that he was just excited to meet me. I decided to limit my contacting him, but respond if he contacted me.

He then suggested that he say 3 nights in town, not just two. Maybe he’d take a day off of work for me. Sight Unseen for our first visit.

He had talked previously about being poor and that money was tight, and now he was getting hotel rooms and taking time off of work.. for me?

Should I mention that he’s not seen a picture of me? I know very little about him at this point? This was our second phone conversation… or around there?

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 3)

He told me he wasn’t just out for a sex romp.. which is relaxing because we’d not met yet… but he insisted that I was a romantic. He told me a lot of things about myself, and said pushed a lot of buttons that said he was out for a relationship…

And he implied… if not outright said.. that I wanted a relationship too, and that I’d want a relationship with him.. despite my emotional/psychological aversion to the the very idea of it.

He talked with me about sex, and told me that when he has sex it means he’s in a relationship, and not an open one. If I have sex with him, we’re locked in a relationship.. I can’t still be dating around. Sex = Commitment.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 5)

I made mental notes.

“DO NOT have sex with him. Period. No matter how fabulous he may seem. If you do, leave your ID in your car, so he can’t find your address and stalk you later.”

In honesty, sex was way off the table. WAY OFF the table. Gone. Which was pretty funny considering that sex was what prompted this whole thing anyway.

He got put in the friend zone with a temporary friend tag. If we hit it off when we met, that tag could be removed, but for now thats where he was safest since sex was off the table.

He then talked about taking me for a winery tour.. a romantic jaunt in Austin.. then getting us individual hotel rooms in a town nearby the wineries.. (for Austin, this is a romantic weekend getaway, and not something you can “flee” easily from should it go bad.)

He talked about romantic sunsets, and settings. He spoke in lovey dovey terms.

He’s still not seen me yet, and insists he doesn’t need to see any pictures. He’s certain that he’ll like me as I am… almost as if he’d love me no matter what. Its a sweet idea, but in reality that doesn’t happen. He still insisted.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 7)

I now start limiting my availability to him. Not replying right away. Sometimes not replying at all. Each communication is making more uncomfortable, and I wait for him to calm down and settle back into reality.. where he was a few months ago.

I also set up a NiteFlirt account (see the call me button) so I never have to give out my number again to anyone un-vetted. CYA – Just in Case – Safety First

He starts telling me just how long he’s been following me and how he’s not been able to get me off his mind for months. That I’m this vixen that’s been taunting him. He makes up pet names for me.

He’s full of flowery speech and talks very romantically. Almost lovey dovey.

Anytime I balk at what he says, or show that he’s moving too fast.. he backs away and reassures me.. then comes back the next day or a couple hours later.. full boar.

(Red Alert.. Caution alert now level 9)

I am now nearly breaking out into hives every time I see him message me. I’m still thinking I’ll meet him if he shows up in Austin, but plan to arrange a public meeting and probably bring a few friends for safety.  I mean if he’s driving 4 hours.. and I’d already promised.. its only fair… plus he used to be a nice sensible guy.. so maybe there can a friendship in it once his romantic feelings are washed out of it.

Honestly from the get-go, I found myself trying to convince him NOT to date me. He’d just triggered that “caution” button from the start of his pursuit and I wanted to bring him back to some kind of rationality. But nothing I said phased him at all. There was no emotional mace no matter how much I tried.

Then Friday, he posted on twitter about meeting me in a few weeks. On top of everything else, I interpreted it as being “tagged”.. or claimed. I did not read it as the words that it was, but as if he wrote..

“Hey everyone I am going to date Maruska. She’s mine. Hands off.”

I hit the ceiling.

I decided to try one more time to get him back to some kind of rational thought, and scolded him for his behavior.. quite honestly telling him that he was legitimately scaring the crap out of me, and he needed to knock it off. I threatened to block him, and I was serious.

I was sad that this all went down like this. I used to like him, and from the pictures I’ve seen of him, he’s quite an attractive guy.

Once he grasped the gravity of the situation, and that I was serious.. he replied obviously hurt. His regret for doing anything to upset me or make me uncomfortable was genuine and heartfelt.

I’d gotten what I wanted. He was done with flowery love notes. He was done with flowery love talk. But he was hurt.. and that wasn’t what I wanted.. which is why it’d taken me so long to be so brutal in my communications.. I just felt that I had no other options, as he’d not really been listening or hearing me in my other ways of addressing the issue.

So I called him. We talked a little bit. He apologized profusely, and for once .. for the first time since we’d started this thing, he was being honest, rational, and himself.  For the first time, we’re both just being ourselves, and he was being real with me. He was listening. I relax, and start to like him again. I start remembering why I liked him at the start. I’m no longer afraid. (Though if he switches back to lovey dovey psycho, I’ll be back at level 8 instantly.)

Summary: What went wrong? He was overly excited, and projected his excitement onto me. He moved onto his dream of this relationship, dragging me along, and wasn’t allowing me to find it for myself. I didn’t have time to catch up to him. For every step forward I took, he took 3.  I’m kicking and screaming to be allowed to stay at step 1.. and he’s already dragging me to step 6. So I then started misinterpreting things he said. Not understanding when he was joking and when he wasn’t. Communication Failure.

There’s a time for flowery love talk.. for sweet gestures.. and romantic thoughts.. but if the object of your affection isn’t on that page with you yet.. it can go horribly wrong fast.

If you really want someone to fall in love with you.. you have to give them time to move at their own pace. Relax, and just enjoy. Don’t try so hard.

I’m actually now looking forward to meeting this hunk of man. I’m just hoping it stays that way. 🙂

  6 Responses to “600 Pound Gorilla: Communication Fail”

  1. New Post: 600 Pound Gorilla: Communication Fail – Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn't think I was th… http://ht.ly/18nYFu

  2. New Post: 600 Pound Gorilla: Communication Fail – Friday, I lost 600 lbs of stress. I honestly didn't think I was th… http://ht.ly/18nYFu

  3. New Post: 600 Pound Gorilla http://ht.ly/2jvAe #communication #FAIL #dating #datingstories

  4. New Post: 600 Pound Gorilla http://ht.ly/2jvAe #communication #FAIL #dating #datingstories

  5. Reminds me of the scene from Tommy Boy where he described trying to make a sale w/the dinner roll. “Ah! I’ve killed my poor sale!” (and I’ve got bread crumbs all over me) Hope the guy send you an adequate apology for being such a Doucheaholic with acute John Mayer Foot-in-Mouth disease that was sufficient enough to reset the clock with you. If not, at least you know he’s harmless now, I guess.

  6. Reminds me of the scene from Tommy Boy where he described trying to make a sale w/the dinner roll. “Ah! I’ve killed my poor sale!” (and I’ve got bread crumbs all over me) Hope the guy send you an adequate apology for being such a Doucheaholic with acute John Mayer Foot-in-Mouth disease that was sufficient enough to reset the clock with you. If not, at least you know he’s harmless now, I guess.

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