I got in a conversation yesterday on Twitter about men chasing women.
Now when I think of chasing, I think of CHASING.. He’s after HER. Meaning that he is putting in a whole ton of effort to get HER. Not someone like her, not just someone around him, but her in particular. He’s set his sights and made his decision.
This is not the same as Chasing Tail, which any man will do whenever there is tail to be had (unless he’s already committed to a particular tail, has religious or ethical reasons to abstain, or has tail of his own already). Chasing Tail is simply that. The purpose is soley to get tail.
This conversation began as a chasing women conversation, then ended as a “Why aren’t men chasing me?” question.
The woman put out self-descriptive words like “quality”, “drama free”, “Worth it”, “deserve”, “good heart”. I’m not even going to go into the multiple tweets she went into with her statements & questions. Using at least 4 tweets to state her point. She obviously was fired up and unable to contain herself to the medium’s constrictions.
Her frustration was palpable, and my stress on the other end of it was nearly tangible.
That kind of frustration… no matter how well you hide it.. is like a perfume that surrounds you. Only its more like “Eww De Angry” than “Eau De Lovely”.
And yes I get that she was talking to me.. a girl.. and not to some guy somewhere that she was trying to charm.
But I got that “Eww De Angry” scent from her first tweet to me. Men pick up on this shit. Seriously. They have extremely hightened senses of “Angry Woman” and once they sniff it, they just start running.
You can’t blame men for not wanting you. You can’t be angry for being alone. It doesn’t do you any good. It solves nothing. And men are no more to blame for you being alone than you are to blame for not dating the homeless man on the corner.
The problem for most of us women is that we like to shoot ourselves in the foot. We either go for people we know darn good and well aren’t going to work, thus proving to ourselves that relationships don’t work or that we suck at relationships, or that we deserve less than we do. Or we set our standards so high there isn’t a possiblity of any real man ever being able to measure up.
Trust me, I’m guilty of all three.. oh wait that was only 2. yeah I’m guilty of two… [insert whistling]… Yep only two. We also like to nag the crap out the poor unfortunate guy we do choose until he leaves us.
We often choose self-fullfilling prophesies rather than accept the realities. In this, we also think we can change men.. you can affect his happiness, you cannot change the man. The man changes himself.. or not. Also you end up changing yourself. It’s like fitting a square peg in a round hole. We try and try and try, but it never fits. We often instead of embracing that square peg for what it is, we insist that it fit the round hole we built. Sorry, but that doesn’t work. Been there, done that, I’ve got the burns to prove it.
Men.. choose women who let them be who they are, and love them for it. That said, men choose women who they percieve let them be who they think they are, and love them despite the faults that the men think they have. Men are insecure little creatures too. Some men perceive themselves to be super heros and want a woman who lets them be that way. Some men perceive themselves to be shit on the shoe of women, and choose women who help them feel that way. Most men are more moderated than that in which they need a touch of being her hero, and a touch of being the shit on her shoe… 100% adoration all the time gets old fast, as does 100% distain.
In reality, we all want someone who helps sharpen us a person, and loves us as we are. We just might not always percieve ourselves in our true light, and its hard to find someone who really sees the real us… and still loves us.
But back to the red flags:
“I’m quality” “I’m worth it” “I deserve” – Any time I hear anyone say these, I tune out. Really I do. They’re unsubstantiated ego-puffer words. They only puff the ego of the person saying it. To every one else, it comes out as arrogant or hiding insecurity. Neither are attractive. They also trigger the opposites.. if you are quality that also means you think others aren’t. If you’re worth it, that also means you think others aren’t. It’s pretty judgy, and people reading it will auto-pilot to judging themselves and think you are judging them too.
“Drama free” – If you have to say it, you’re not. Just be who you are. Everyone has a little drama in them. So please.. everyone.. just stop saying this. Sure sure we all know the drama queens, but no one is completely drama-free… and usually those that claim to be, are drama enablers who live on others drama. To openly claim drama-free, means you have drama on the mind. You’re sick of it, because you’re around it. I will run from you like the wind.
“I have a good heart” – This is a lot like the “nice guy” claims. Just makes me cringe inside. If you really have a good heart, people will see it. I mean, I’ve got a good heart, but I also secretly plot evil things in my head. I might be the girl that will help you carry your grocery bags to your apartment, but I’m also plotting how to make your favorite shirt (that I hate) disappear. We all have good hearts (well unless you’re a sociopath or something), instead just do things that prove it. Don’t tell us, do it.
But most of all, relax, have fun, and just be yourself. Don’t care if they like you, just be who you are. If you are truly worth it to them, they’ll bite. If you’re not, they won’t. You only really want someone who wants you anyway. So only worry about the ones that bite. The rest don’t matter.
(and if no one.. absolutely no one is biting.. the problem is you.. you’re either not seeing the bites, looking for bites in the wrong places, or you’ve got some other issue that needs fixing.)