The other night I went out with Evie and a friend of hers. In all honesty, I went for the possibility of meeting someone, yet with the full expectation of being completely bored out of my mind. A group of 3 girls almost always leaves one as the third wheel, and since Evie’s friend and her were childhood friends, I fully expected to be the third wheel.
But I needed to go out, and nothing else that night sounded even remotely entertaining.
We went to a play and then the after-party. It was a small production with a small audience. It was ok. Some of the actors, you could tell were naturally talented and the rest were really trying to be. It was at least entertaining.
Then about 20 minutes from the end, I see Evie’s ex? I guess thats who he is. I can’t remember if they’d had sex or exactly what… But I do know that she’s at least seen his penis, and helped him get off. They’re “friends” now, but with Evie that could be FwB or just platonic friends. Its really hard to say.
Evie can’t go a night without a guy. During the show, she’d texted him to meet her there. So when I saw him come in.. I knew what had happened and I rolled my eyes.
It doesn’t help that I just cannot stand the guy. I avoid him like he’s got cooties. He comes off as needy and desperate. And I’ve got the feeling that any woman will do for him as long as she’s mildly attractive (not hideous), and not illegal. (I guess I should be thankful he has some standards huh?)
Plus.. from Evie, I know WAY more that I ever wanted to about his sexual interests and erm.. proclivities. If I wasn’t interested by the fact that he looks like a doofus, or by the fact that he acts like he’s only out for getting laid and desperately at that, then his sexual preferences alone would have sealed the deal for me that I wasn’t going to touch him with a 10 foot pole.
Techincally he brought one friend, who brought his friend.. but thats just me nitpicking.
So we’re standing around, and these two guys join our group. I of course wonder who they are, and Evie introduces them.
I honestly don’t remember their names. So I’m gunna make up some names.
The first one was chatty, but from the moment he opened his mouth, my lady parts shuddered and recoiled. Jessie’s voice was a little .. umm.. too high and he talked with just a slight lisp. Had he not talked about screwing women, I would have sworn he was gay. He was around my height, but with delicate bone structure. His wrists were even dainty. The thought of him having sex with a woman quite frankly made me giggle… a lot.
He talked as if he was Mr. MacDaddy which wasn’t helping the situation any. Maybe he does get all the girls. Who knows.. I just find it immensely unbelievable. To be honest, I found the idea of him and Trey being secret lovers much much more believable.
The third guy, Bill, was shy and completely did not fit with the other two. He was new to town, so I excused his judgement in friends. He had long hair and was Native American. He actually was kind of sweet, but way too young. That didn’t keep him from attempting to hit on me though. So cute, in an adorable little boy way (I know.. just the way guys hope to be seen right?), but about an hour or so later he admitted his age and he was barely legal. WAY too young for me, and thus I was right in thinking of him as a little boy.
So none of them were at all.. in any way.. potential interests of mine. This actually made the night more fun, because they ALL thought that I’d be happy to have them.
Dear Men… I am not that desperate.. and will never be that desperate.. Sorry.
So the party got started, and people started going back inside. It was hot inside. Like sauna hot. I went in to be social for a bit, but found my way outside rather quickly. The last thing I needed was to be miserable on top of this potential boredom.
A few minutes later, one guy after the other came outside as well. Soon it was myself and the three guys.
We began to talk. Jessie kept giving the youngin’ Bill some MacDaddy advice, which I would then critique and tell him how to do it better. Then Jessie saw that as a sign to out do himself. It became this challenge to show me how much of a MacDaddy he was. I couldn’t have secretly laughed at him more. At one point he said:
“I shouldn’t tell you because you’ll hate me.”
To which I replied, “If I don’t hate you by now, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you can come up with.”
He stammered and still pretended to be all gentlemanly in refusing to divulge his scoundrel secrets in my presence.
“Ok.. by hate you.. what did you mean by that?”
Jessie turned red, and so I continued…
“If you mean by hate you, that I would no longer want to have sex with you.. let me put your mind at ease.. that ship sailed within the first minutes of meeting you. So just say what you were going to say.”
He looked at me agast, and then did his best to recover. He tried to ask what it was that turned me off, but I simply brushed him off with a “Eh, you’re not my type.” (Rather than telling him that he reminded me of some gay friends from college.) He retorted with a “Oh well at least we’re on the same page.” which made me laugh.
So he continues about his rules for “dating” which were quite frankly steps to have a one night stand. He did pretty much every cliche’ without actually mentioning roofies, though he did mention that getting a girl completely plowed so she’d not remember how to get back to his place later. I know.. a charmer. I of course added rules for him, and instead told him that he should just go to her place. No one can say I’m not helpful. 🙂
If I’m not interested in dating you, and I’m pretty sure you’re harmless (or at least that even the smallest woman could kick your ass), I’m more than willing to share my knowledge to help you get laid.. by someone else. 🙂 Its just how I roll.
Bill however was really enjoying the conversation and cursing that he had no way to take notes. The poor guy. In reality all Bill would have to do to get laid is to hang out with these two morons he was with, then go appologize to the girls later and state that he was new to town. He was sweet, honest, and not bad looking.. and following the wake of the other two guys, he’d look like the catch of the day.
Trey however was not liking the conversation. He instead was trying desperately to convince me that his playboy past was over (like I really believed he had a playboy past), and he was now looking for a real relationship. He was not grasping the idea that I could have cared less about what he was looking for.. I was not interested.. yet he continually tried to impress me with his “seeking a relationship” self.
When we began to discuss ages.. Trey started it by saying he was 40 (he looks maybe 34) and how 30 was the new 20 for him. The others also stated their ages, and then came my turn, which I declined. They were 19, 31, and 40.. and I just let them believe whatever age they thought I was. Generally I’m assumed to be in my late 20’s or early 30’s, so I figure they thought I was.
Then Trey began commenting on the music that was wafting outside from the party.
“I used to skate to this back in ’78”
Which we all would tease him about making himself sound ancient. Heck I’m not much younger than him, and even I thought he sounded old the things he was saying.
It was one “I’m old” statement after anouther which kept me entertained by teasing him about how old he was making himself sound and “Thats the way to win the Ladies, man.” sarcasm. I honestly don’t think he understood just exactly how off-putting his “remember when” was, or would be to younger women.. when their parents would be the ones saying those “remember whens”.
We were outside talking for a couple hours before the other two girls came out, and we all parted ways.
All in all it was a good night.. Lots of fun (for me anyway.)