I’ve reached a point of clarity I think. Or at least I feel like I have a plan, a goal, something to work for..
Mostly, I have hope which has been lacking in the last few weeks, and a very observant man told me that a depressing theme has ran through this blog lately. Hopefully, that is now over. (Everyone cross your fingers.)
Since my ex left, I’ve been in a recovery from the tailspin. For many reasons which I’ve not gone into detail here, and I most likely won’t, I’ve not had a good long-term outlook for potential employment. It was part of the reason that I was a housewife.
To put it simply…
Worst case scenario: I may end up living in a bubble (almost literally).. meaning I may not be able to leave my home except for extenuating circumstances.
Best case scenario: I may never need to worry about any of this ever again, and can do whatever, whenever I want with no worries.
Best case scenario right now though is more of a fantasy than a reality, which is what I was trying to get at in my previous post about Self-Analysis. I cannot plan on it.
I did realize the other day that I instead can make the best of this bad situation, so for the last several days I’ve been brainstorming career moves.
If I’m going to be saddled with living in a bubble, its going to be the Taj Mahal of bubbles, damn it! (So I need to pull in some dough)
Once I embraced this, and embraced that I am currently alone and can’t expect others to build it for me.. (and discarded a bunch of self-pity I’d been holding onto)
I began to feel empowered in a way I’ve not felt since this whole bubble thing first was threatened on me. I’ve always been a “I can do it myself” person. Even from infancy, but somewhere along the road I forgot it.
I also began thinking of all the things I want to do, and things I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. Business plans, projects, and philanthropic ventures. As I began thinking about those, I would discard one after another for either being a pipedream (inventing shoes that constantly keep your feet at a suitable temperature is a bit out of my skill-set) and other ideas because they would require work from others which I cannot pay for right now.
Most of this work that I would need someone else to do is computer related and something that would have been in the skillset of my ex or several of my exes.
I also realized that I don’t really have a tech guy in the wings that I can run to for these things as I’ve always had in the past. I ran through my memories of past relationships and almost every computer problem or upgrade or even building a new machine… was done either by a guy in my life or with the supervision of a guy in my life.
Despite the fact that since I discovered the internet in 1992 (I think that was the year) I’ve never been without a computer and have always spent a good portion of every day on one… I myself have never really sought out learning more about them (unless I needed to.. I like to do things myself, so yes I made them teach me the stuff I needed to know) and in part have been spoon fed everything I know about whats new in computers from the guys I’ve dated.
This spoon-feeding is gone. I left my network of “go-to” geeks in Chicago, and lost touch with many of them as they married and as I married. With my ex no longer in the picture, there is this gaping tech hole.
I think part of the reason I love tech-geeks is that I really do like computers. But like mowing the lawn or changing the oil in my car, I’ve considered it a guy’s job. Not that I couldn’t do it, but a skill-set that I was lacking.
And if I’m honest.. I also think it was partly a way for me to be that “Damsel in distress” and a way for them to be the “Hero”.
I know this was the case with my ex. When my ex and I got together, I was pretty tech-savvy for the time period. Hardware mostly, but tech-savvy. When we got married, I sort of dropped the tech. He had a Masters in computers and could spin circles around me… he also didn’t have the patience to teach me anything and preferred to be the “Hero”.. So I let him and I concentrated my efforts on my skills that he was lacking. And had the relationship worked, this division of labor would have been ok.
So there’s a void in my geek contact. Majorly. And part of me wants to fill that void with a nice tech-savvy sexy geek.
But as I thought about it, geeks and me haven’t had the most successful track-record. Do I really want to limit my dating pool that much? Is it really realistic? Isn’t it a bit too superficial?
Anyway, it dawned on me that I really like working with computers. So I began investigating careers, and what it would take for me to get some skills to make a living.
The more I read. The more I loved it. The more excited I got.
I’ve always thought of myself as a geek-wannabe or a geek-groupie, but what I’m starting to realize is that I really am a geek.
I really don’t need someone else to be geek for me.. I can do it myself!