Jan 242010
 

I’m sure I’ve posted on this before, but its reared its ugly head again .. so I’ll just spin it again.

he said “Oh, so you have no ambition”

This was his response to my joke about job seeking, in which I said that I’d really like to get paid to just laze around doing whatever I wanted, but since there aren’t any jobs for that, anything else is second best.

I was joking but honestly its pretty much the truth.

I’ve never been a cut-throat kind of person. I’m easily distracted, so I’ve not really ever picked one road for a career, and anytime I’ve tried… I’ve not done so well as I quickly lose enthusiasm for it and instead want to do something else. (I know, I probably have ADD)

Though when I decide to do something, I do something. I become the best at it or the “guru” of whatever it is I’m doing… or I die trying. But once the guru, I often look around to see “What’s Next?”

Or at least this has been the history up until my marriage, actually no.. it was after that.. it was until the “tragedies” hit. Which made me have to rethink all my career goals.

I’m smart and if I put my mind to it.. I can succeed at anything… provided I don’t get distracted.

But I’ve always had bigger priorities.. like family, dating, and a social life. I’d much rather make the people around me happy.

Tonight, the guy in question lost all interest in me once he found I have no ambition. I stupidly tried to defend my lack of ambition which well… only made me look insecure and loserly.

He wanted to know my last job. Housewife.

“You’re going through a divorce or something?”

“I’ve been divorced for a while now.”

“So when’s the last time you’ve had a real job?”

“2004 or so”

He gave me this nod which said “Good luck with that” and pretty much walked away.

I can’t blame him. From everything I’ve read, men today want a successful career minded gal. Someone just as driven and successful as they are.

I’m just not her… well unless you want me to bake you the best vegan fruit pie ever created.. then I might jump on that competition.

But explaining why I am where I am.. without looking like a completely inept moron.. is difficult.

In the last 6 yrs, I’ve had my feet robbed from me (not totally, but standing for hours on end is now out of the question) and I’ve been limited to a diet that makes dining out nearly impossible (aka eating at home is more of a commandment than an option). — we’ll just forget about the whole marriage and divorce thing.

Its been a lot to undertake and is impossible to understand unless you’ve “been there done that.”

I have never.. ever.. known what I really wanted to do. I figured it would come to me in time. Slowly its revealing itself.. but very slowly.

I truly hate the question:

“What do you do?”

Maybe some day, I’ll be proud to answer it. I just won’t be holding my breath.

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