Nov 192009

I’m in a silly mood today. I assume after yesterday’s emotional travel back in time, that I’m rebelling and being cheerful. Whatever.

I woke up today with a big “I don’t care what you think” world attitude and a smile on my face.

I keep thinking that I’ve healed from my divorce. Honestly, I much more healed than most of my fellow divorcees of similar time lapses.. but I also see so much more to go for me.

Which might be why I’ve backed off dating. Or might be because I’ve yet to meet someone (other than Don) that really got me thinking about what I’m missing.

For the most part, I could care less if I have a boyfriend. I don’t need one. I’m not desperate. Sure regular sex would be great, someone to go to parties with me, a snuggle partner for movies… or even just someone to call 911 for me.

But with that always comes sacrifices. I’d have to shave my legs every day. I’d be required to go to things that they liked whether I liked it (its only fair). I might have to change the kind of sheets on the bed or put away a piece of artwork I currently love. I may be encouraged to have longer or shorter hair, or to wear certain things. I might have to make choices between where I want to go, and where he might want to go.

While these are just general things that most people will willingly do to make their new partner feel loved or make themselves more attractive to them.. These are also things that I find myself still nearly breaking into hives at the mere thought.. of “Having to”.

I’m no where near ready to be saddled again or have any kind of restrictions on what I do or don’t do .. by anyone else but me.

I do know though that when I meet the right person these things that currently have me bordering on an anxiety attack, will merely be trifles. I’ve seen myself bordering on “love” recently and with that person these things would seem silly. I have little problem giving up things or changing things to put someone important into my life.

And it is that particular trait in me that has lead me to where I am and my current anti-commitment anxiety. For me to embrace that giving side, I need to make sure that the person I’m taking a chance on is worth it and not just some passing fancy.

I know what I want, and this time I’m not settling for less.

So while I may spend today dateless, tomorrow dateless.. I’m ok with that. I’m very ok with that. I’m me. I’m free. I’m happy with that!

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