I grew up in a family of all girls. So I’ve grown up with quite an education on how females think and behave, not that I needed it as its pretty much cemented my feelings about having close female friends. I have one close female friend. She lives in another state. It works much better that way.
Growing up, I tried to make friends with girls my age. It would last a whole 3-4 days, two weeks tops. We’d be fast friends. Share everything. Hang out together non-stop. Then suddenly without warning, I’d show up to school to find them friends with the “cool girls” and myself ostracized. This in itself would not be devastating, but soon I’d find all my secrets bandied about like some new game of emotional darts with me being the dartboard. You’d think I’d learn my lesson, but it never failed. Every-time I new girl showed up, I’d befriend her and it’d start all over.
As it got to HS, I managed to have two female friends. I was much more their friend than they were ever mine, but after grades school, I figured a friend was better than no friend. I learned not to share with them any big secrets, but because of my own ethics kept all of theirs. You would think that this would win me devotion, but alas any time we fought, they would find ways to turn the entire class against me. I should have figured out how to do that myself, but since I don’t really think that way naturally I never did.
It wasn’t until I got married, and through years of the marital social conditioning that being friends with men while you’re married is severely hard to do unless you knew them prior to getting married, or you’re willing to have an affair, that I began to see value in friendships with females. I started socializing with married women and found them to be fantastic. They were supportive, friendly, and easy to talk to. They weren’t catty or back-stabby at all. I honestly had started to love being friends with women, and wondered why I was ever really friends with men.
Then the divorce..
Divorce puts a whole different spin on things…and as much as I loved my married women friends, I found myself separating from them. I didn’t really mean to, but I was embarrassed at not being able to hold my marriage together. I didn’t want their pity or judgement. But what was worse, was sitting there with them and listening to them talk about their happy marriages. I am sooo happy for them that they’re in good relationships and happy, but I just couldn’t be around it.
So I began seeking out new women friends. Single women friends. People to go out with, hang with, talk about single life, dating, etc. I thought maybe since we’re older that I’d be able to find mature women who were like my married women friends.
I currently have one woman friend who has potential to be trusted. The problem is that I don’t necessarily like being around her very much as she has a tendency to interrupt me or talk over me without thinking. I’m told its a New Yorker thing, but its kinda annoying.
Every other girl that I’ve tried to be friends with has failed miserably. We’re still nice and civil, and if I need a movie buddy I’d give a one of them a call, but I don’t trust them, especially not with men.
Before the separation, I had a couple friends who were in a writers group with me. One was single, the other in a long-term relationship. We’d hang out after our meetings and talk, and they’d occasionally invite me to do things. We ended up in several groups together and hung out at least once a week. After the separation, I got a little needy, depressed. They now will only recognize my presence if I say “Hi” first.
Next lesson, I was friends with this geeky guy, Theo, who I adore, but there will never be anything more than friends. I knew this. He knew this. We embraced the friendship. We were so much friends that people actually started to think we were dating. Neither of us cared, we were just friends. In our circle of friends though, was this one older woman. She always seemed to be the life of the party, and something about her made me think we’d not be good friends, but since she was quite an institution in the circle.. I tried.
She was nice to me. She let me into her circle of friends. Invited me over to parties at her place. Then about a month later, she and I are walking out to our cars after a happy hour, and she questions me about Theo.
“Do you know that he’s into you?” I laughed at her. I said, no we’re just friends. She insisted that we weren’t, and that she knew Theo had feelings for me. I clarified that she must have misunderstood him, and told her about an attempted kiss, and the “turn down” he gave me (this was of course before I got to know him and realized I really wasn’t interested).
She was appalled. How dare Theo treat me that way. I shouldn’t even be friends with him. On and on about how much of a dick Theo was, and how horrid it was for me to even try to be friends with him. I told her it was fine, no biggie, and that I enjoyed the friendship… but she kept on. I smiled and nodded. Then we parted and went home.
From that conversation onward, she monopolized Theo. She was everywhere he was. She told him what to think, what to wear, and where to go… and any time he tried to talk to any girl, she’d show up and distract him. He and I have barely been able to speak two words since. Two weeks after this conversation, she and Theo were making out like teenagers romping up for public sex.
She’s nice to me in public, and makes a presentation that she’s trying to be friends with me (I assume for Theo’s sake). But I’m no longer invited to her parties, and she no longer talks to me like a good friend. I guess she got what she wanted.
Third lesson: I decided to branch out and go to a Brewery party. My new friend Evie was there, and she introduced me to a few people. Then this guy came over. He had a beautiful friendly dog, and I’m a sucker for well-behaved dogs, and he was kinda cute. So I went up to him and talked to him and played with his dog. Not long after, Evie came up to say hi to him.
A group of us were deciding where to go next, and I insisted that the new guy come join us. I invited him, got his number, gave him mine. I then coordinated that we’d all meet, and when.
When we met later, Evie did her best to monopolize his conversation. She started talking sexual things, things that I might talk about in private but not in public and not in a first meeting. So my choices if I stayed in the conversation were to look like a slut or be a prude. It was a no-win. Toward the end of the night, I had managed to talk to him while she was in the bathroom, and I thought we were getting somewhere. She came out, and sexily convinced him to rub her feet. (She did this kinda thing not once, but every time we hang out if males are present.. even if she’s already on a date with someone else.)
Fourth lesson: I met this girl through a friend of mine, to fully understand why she’s no longer on my ‘trust’ list, let me give you a bit of background. We hit it off at first as we have a lot in common and we both tend to be a little opinionated. While I can be a pain in the ass, I’m generally more go-with-the-flow as long as its not injurious to my health. She however made a huge scene at a restaurant about her food not being “as advertised” and made them remake it. Then when they remade it like she wanted it, she had talked herself into a tizzy about them spitting in it so she wasn’t going to give them the “satisfaction” of seeing her eat it. Besides this incident, she is abrasive, demanding, and so boy-crazy that she’s alienated all my other friends.
The last straw though was last weeks happy hour. She insisted that I go with her, and since it was merely a couple blocks from my place I complied. Shortly after arriving, we were sitting with two rather handsome men talking. She said jokingly serious quite out of the blue, “I’m easier to get along with than her.” To which my initial reaction was an open mouthed “WTF” expression, and then laughter at my own thoughts of “OMG how delusional is she?”
So I think I’m done with single female friends. Sure if I need to hang with a girl, I might call one up, but we won’t be going out. Maybe I’m just not meeting the right women. I don’t know. But in the last 6 months, I’ve had enough.